''The Real World'': The house heats up

”The Real World”: The house heats up

Last week’s stereotype-shaking revelation that Karamo is gay presented the terrifying possibility that this Real World season would force us to, like, think. But Episode II: Attack of the Hormones — with its hookups, breakups, and trachea-tickling kisses with blond strangers — pushed complex Karamo to the background and revealed that this house’s residents can be as dumb, shallow, and slutty as any of their predecessors. Yay!

In the past, Real Worlders reached their inevitable decision to trade in their significant others for in-house hotties only after much soul-searching. But this time, curly-headed, ”homah-sexual”-fearing Southerner M.J. instantly dumped his long-distance sweetie, Ashley. In the process, he offered her some empathetic words: ”Have a great life. Keep on truckin’.” And Shavonda had a similar phone conversation with her just-not-hot-enough boyfriend, Shaun, who, to his credit, refused to fall for the ”I need a break” line.

At least Shavonda had the good taste to reject the inebriated advances of the massively deltoided Landon, whose vacant smile and maniacal cackle make Seann William Scott’s Dude, Where’s My Car? character seem like Immanuel Kant. ”I love her,” Landon slurred, after attempting to woo Shavonda, caveman-style, with an offer of food. But a wary Shavonda noted, ”He doesn’t act right when he’s drunk” — an understatement, since, according to thesmokinggun.com, Landon once pleaded guilty to drunkenly assaulting a freaking police horse. But despite Landon’s wanton gooniness, Shavonda admitted to liking him and even slept in his bed — purely as a ”comfort thing.” Because nothing sexual could possibly happen when two pretty postadolescents sleep together.

But the stalkerific Sarah — who shared a bed with the object of her creepily intense affections, M.J., in the same room as Shavonda and Landon — couldn’t maintain the usual pretense of chastity for even one night. ”I think there’s some under-the-covers play going on between M.J. and Sarah,” said Landon, in a shocking moment of lucidity. (This within hours of M.J.’s apparently none-too-traumatic split with blondie Ashley.) ”There’s this thing in the house I’m feeling called sexual tension,” Shavonda stated. Insightful.

But the real entertainment came the next night, when M.J. met several dozen clones of his ex-girlfriend at some nightclub and picked a particularly Barbie-esque one for some of the aforementioned trachea tickling. Predictably, a jealous Sarah indulged in the season’s first meltdown. ”She was chubby, and she had bad roots!” she screamed, rather unfairly. Later, M.J. gallantly told the camera that Sarah must mistaken his pickup for someone else: ”This girl had a very nice figure and very nice roots.”

Soon afterward, Sarah calmed down and uttered one of the most touching, heartfelt sentences in Real World history: ”It hurts me to see you wanting to get ass in another place.” She added, ”I could rock your world — you’re missing out.” M.J. briefly considered his options and then hopped into bed. Later he all but accused Sarah of taking advantage of him: ”She puts me in situations that are sexual.” Poor guy.

What did you think about this episode? Did you love it but feel a little dirty afterward?