This spring's MTV movie awards

We thought we’d never see the day, but Tom Green is officially sick of talking about his crotch. The comedian kicked off the June 3 MTV Movie Awards in L.A. by leading the crowd in a bizarre — but G-rated — chant of ”Coffee Machine!” instead of the patter MTV had written for him. ”They had some script about my testicles, because I was presenting Best On-Screen Duo,” says Green, who recently underwent surgery for testicular cancer. ”’I used to have a duo, but now I only have one!’ But why do a testicle joke? I wanna get back to basics, which is getting teenagers chanting about coffee machines.”

Whatever. Such is life at the off-kilter MTV awards (which aired June 8), where the prizes are generally something of an afterthought. The real highlights ranged from Green’s ode to caffeine to the show’s now-trademark movie-biz spoofs. Among them: South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s frighteningly timely satire of Battlefield Earth, which featured Cartman using a page from the Dianetics handbook as toilet paper (the scene was excised from the broadcast). ”Who wanted to go see that movie?” said Stone. ”The demographic was, like, 38- to 41-year-old Scientologists.”

Meanwhile, host Sarah Jessica Parker scored some laughs when she interrupted presenter George Clooney to take a whiff of his apparently irresistible neck. ”I am so proud of her,” Parker’s Sex and the City costar Chris Noth beamed backstage. ”But I was a little jealous when she went up there and sniffed George Clooney. I have to talk to her about that.” Instead, Noth retaliated by engaging in some intense two-way sniffing (and then some) with Winona Ryder at the after-party. And for at least one victor, Austin Powers‘ Verne J. Troyer, the popcorn trophy is as good as an Oscar. ”It’s going right on top of my TV,” he said. ”So whenever I watch a movie, I’ll look up and say, ‘Hey, I won an award.”’

THE WINNERS

BEST MOVIE The Matrix

BEST MALE PERFORMANCE Keanu Reeves, The Matrix

BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cruel Intentions

BEST VILLAIN Mike Myers, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

BEST ON-SCREEN DUO Mike Myers/Verne J. Troyer, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE Adam Sandler, Big Daddy

BEST ACTION SEQUENCE Star Wars: Episode 1 — The Phantom Menace, the Pod Race

BREAKTHROUGH MALE PERFORMANCE Haley Joel Osment, The Sixth Sense

BREAKTHROUGH FEMALE PERFORMANCE Julia Stiles, 10 Things I Hate About You

BEST KISS Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair, Cruel Intentions

BEST MUSICAL PERFORMANCE Matt Stone & Trey Parker, ”Uncle F—a,” South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

BEST FIGHT Keanu Reeves versus Laurence Fishburne, The Matrix

BEST NEW FILMMAKER Spike Jonze, Being John Malkovich