Lenzie

A Lenzie tie.

Lenzie is an independent dictatorial state, though it has yet to be officially recognised by the United Nations. It is located in East Dunbartonshire, near the ancient Scottish city of Glasgow, and has existed in total isolation from the rest of Scotland since the Middle Ages, protected as it is by a natural barrier of enormous concrete towerblocks that surround it on all sides. The word Lenzie comes from the Norse word "Lunsi" meaning "not as good as it first appears".

Lenzie has forever been ruled by the tyrranical Sam Sung of Sung Gardens. Traditionally, he has ruled using a feudal system wherein he takes a large tax for providing the town's food supplies, and ensuring justice through threatening to reveal what is actually in the chicken chow mein. In 1997, a pair of culinary vigilantes known as the Randev brothers (of the subversive Lenzie-based magazine The Delhi Express) launched a violent campaign to remove Sam from power. Thus began 12 years of conflict known as the Lenzie Troubles. Both parties have recently called a ceasefire, and power-sharing talks are in place.

Lenzie is known for its exclusive members-only gentleman's club The Toby Jug, which doubles as a nature preservation society. Having a mandate to protect Lenzie's natural beauty, they can often be seen patrolling the area behind the historic Da Carlo monument, keeping a lonely vigil with nothing for sustenance but the fabled Scottish elixir Buckfast, which they must take ritually together in a form of communion, chanting the ancient motto, 'Gieza swalli, gieza kebab, gieza phag, giez peace', which translates from Old Lenzonian as 'Let us be well-sustained, that we might inspire a spirit of goodwill'.

Famous people from Lenzie include the Rankin brothers who invented the waterpipe, and Wee Jimmy Kranky's mother who still lives in the area. Another famous associate of the town is local broadcasting genius Tiger Tim, who so fell in love with the area that he designed its distinctive tie (see image).

Lenzie is really just a wannabe Bearsden. It's posh compared to neighbouring Kirkintilloch, but then again, that's the equivalent of saying it is posh compared to Cumbernauld. (For more information on Cumbernauld and Kirkintilloch, type 'shite' into Google). An inhabitant of Lenzie (a 'Lenzie Fanny' according to the OED) will put on a fake Glesga accent and tell you he's 'fae Kirkie' if he meets you in a pub, but will certainly put his hometown as 'Lenzie' on a job application form. 'C'est la vie' he will sigh pedantically.

It is widely accepted that Lenzie ends at the top of Gallowhill Avenue, meaning that the houses on Kirkintilloch Road are indeed, in Kirkintilloch, much to the chagrin of their Lenzie wannabe residents.

Lenzie is also home to the mysterious and infamous entity known only as The Plow. Little is known of The Plow, but it is widely regarded that his name - and genitals - strike fear into the hearts of all who reside within the Lenzie area. Reported sightings of The Plow, as rare as they are, have led to dispute as to the actual home of The Plow. Some say that there is strong evidence that this mythical beast hails from Kirkintilloch, although his early years are reported to have been spent in the frozen wastes of Canada.

Lenzie also borders on the Gadloch which is home to various different monsters and is also used for witch dunking of any suspicious incomers. Nessie's cousing Glessie lives in the loch and has a particular preference for the taste of people from Edinburgh.