Still Game

Still Game is a Scottish sitcom, produced by The Comedy Unit with the BBC. It was created by Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill, who play the lead characters, Jack Jarvis and Victor McDade, two Glaswegian pensioners. The characters also appeared in the pair's previous TV show Chewin' the Fat which aired in Scotland from January 1999 until June 2000.

Season 1

Flittin [1.1]

Winston: [To the neds] I'll get my grandson, Joe, here on ye.

Neds: Ooooh.

Winston: He's a boxer.

Ned: Aye, I can tell that, taking all those boxes intae the shop.

[Neds laugh]

Winston: His hands are classed as dangerous weapons.

Ned 2: Are your specs classified an' awe'? Ya specky auld bastard.

---

Jack: Do you mind what this place used tae be like when they built it at first? "Craiglang: developing for the future".

Victor: Aye, aye. "Craiglang: modernity beckons".

Jack: "Craiglang: tomorrow's already here."

Victor: Craiglang....

Both: Shitehole!

Cauld [1.3]

Victor: Consider this: Yir warm noo, but how's it gaun'ae be in a wee stoany jail cell, with nothing to heat ye up, but a hot boabie - RIGHT up yir arse!

---

Jack: He must have died, then they cut his phone aff...cause he didnae pay his bill...cause he cudnae...cause he was deid.

Courtin [1.4]

[Jack and Victor are on a double date at The Clansman. Jack's date is a rather attractive older woman; Victor's is a rather squat woman with unkempt hair and buck teeth.]

Winston: Hello, lads.

Jack: Hi, Winston.

Winston: And hello, ladies. I'm Winston.

Barbara: Hello, Winston.

Jack: Are you still barred?

Winston: Aye. Here, which one of you two unlucky bastards is saddled with the munchkin?

Victor: Right, that's it!

Jack: Where are you going?

Victor: Home! I'm no' sitting in my local with that thing, Jack!

Jack: Oh, that's just perfect! You're going AWOL and leaving me with these two women?

Victor: I only saw one woman, Jack! I don't know what that other one is!

Winston: A munchkin, sure.

Jack: Shut up!

Scones

Jack: [Making phrases to win a scone competition] Where's my scone? Where's my scone? Ah there it is, next to the phone!

---

Victor: A scone and tea at half past three, makes the day a little brighter. So you can keep your cakes and fancy tarts....

Jack and Victor: ...and stick them up your shiter.

---

Tam: Fire. Man's oldest flame.

Series 2

Gairden

Ned 1: Here, you!

Winston: Who, me?

Ned 1: Aye, you! Auld yin!

Winston: What is it?

Ned 1: What you daein wi' that bush? Are you George Bush?

Ned 2: [laughs] George Bush! Ask him if he's Kate Bush, go on, ask him!

Ned 1: Shut up! Are you Kate Bush?

Winston: Aye, that's right(!)

Ned 1: Sing us a song, Kate Bush!

Doacters

Jack: Good morning, Doctor

Victor: (Speaks to pretend intercom) Hold all calls, Linda.

Jack: Linda?

Victor: I had to let Agnes go, she was an arsehole.

Jack: That's a bloody liberty that, I liked that woman, she was almost ready for retirement.

Victor: Too bad, I call the shots, and she's sacked. Now what is wrong with you?

Jack: I'm depressed...

Victor: And how is this depression manifesting itself?

Jack: I cannot be arsed with anything or anybody.

Victor: Well, it sounds like you're depressed, but I am afraid I cannae help ye.

Jack: How?

Victor: 'Cause I just gied the last o' ma tablets to a lovely big fella called Victor McDade!

Brief

[Jack and Victor are visiting their respective wives' graves]

Jack: You're a creepy bastard!

Victor: How?

Jack: Talking to Betty like that, as if she were still alive. "Oh, I might be getting back on the road again!"

Victor: What's wrong with that? You're the creepy bastard!

Jack: And how would that be?

Victor: Standing there in silence, all remorseful. "Oh, look at me mourning!"

Jack: Better than talking to the bloody deid, in't it? It's no' just that. You leave a wee gap, as if she's gonnae answer, as if she's still here.

Victor: She is still here, in my heart!

Jack: Birthday caird pish!

Victor: [Talks to his wife's grave] Ignore him, my sweet. We'll soon be together.

Jack: [Mutters] Jesus!

Victor: What's that? Well put, yes. He is an arsehole!

Jack: Shut up!

Victor: What's the matter with you? This is how it's gonnae be, Jack. Me and my beloved, lying out together!

Jack: Aye! Two old skeletons, holding their bony hands together with just your wee wedding rings hanging off your scraggy knuckles!

Victor: Comes to us all! In fact, have a wee lie down, enjoy the view!

Jack: What view? You'll be deid! You'll see hee-haw! Your eye sockets'll be full of beasties!

Victor: [Laughs heartily] Ach, I'm only winding you up!

Jack: Aye, well...

Victor: Come on. [Addresses Betty's grave] Cheery-bye, Betty, my darling!

[Both walk out of shot, then Jack walks back to Betty's grave]

Jack: Call me an arsehole, Betty!

---

[Jack and Victor are stood at a bus stop; we see a middle-aged man and his mother walk towards the bus stop, carrying bags of shopping]

Martin: Freezin', eh, Ma?

Ma: Oh, aye, Martin.

Martin: I cannae wait to get up the road, eh, Ma?

Ma: Neither can I, Martin.

Martin: Aye, with some soup when we get in, and then we can have a cup of tea with some snowballs, eh, Ma?

Ma: I didnae get any snowballs, Martin.

Martin: Nae snowballs?!

Ma: Naw.

Martin: You stupid... auld... cow!

Ma: Relax, Martin, you've got an empire biscuit.

Martin: I'm no' wantin' an empire biscuit, I'm wantin' a snowball!

Victor: TAXI!

[We see a passing taxi, which Jack and Victor get into]

Jack: Maybe if you have a jobby, Martin, your ma can wipe your arse for ye, Martin!

Tappin'

Boabby: Hey! Look! It's Lambert and Butler!

Jack: Shut it, Boabby. You're the only fag in here.

Buntin'

Boabby: How does this sound; I'll worry about my bar, and you two worry about if you're gonna make it through another winter?!

[After Pete the Jakey claims to be working for Internal Operations]

Jack: Who'd you think you are, 007?!

Victor: Aye, licence to get pished!

Jack: [hums the James Bond theme] The name's Bastard, Alkie Bastard!

Victor: Vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Seven of them and a kebab!

Pete the Jakey: By the way, your mission, should you choose to accept it, sniff my manky ring!

Jack: I think I'll pass on that mission.

Dug

Boabby: Oh look who it is, Batman and Robin!

Victor: We'll accept that, as long as you go as Catwoman, ya pussy!

Series 3

Swottin'

Victor: Jack and me are going back to school.

Boabby: Its Jack and I.

Jack: No, its me and Victor.

Cairds

Boabby: I'm no' gonnae tell yous again. Keep it doon.

Winston: What's the matter with you?!

Boabby: You're annoying my customers.

Jack: Ah, shut up. We're your bloody customers and all!

Boabby: You're no' customers. Customers buy drink. Yous have been sitting there nursing them since yous came in here.

Victor: Cannae play cards steamin', Boaby, must remain focused.

Boabby: Oh, I'll focus you. Right oot the door.

Jack: Ah, now, Boaby, that's garbage patter. "Focus you oot the door"? You cannae just take a word, right, and slip it into a sentence and pass it off as excellent patter. You see, you've gotta be clever with it. For instance...

Victor: I don't know, something like "I'll focus my boot on your arse!"

Jack: See, that's good.

Winston: Aye. [gives Boaby the middle finger] "Focus on that, you old duffer!"

Jack: That is cruder but still as effective.

Eric: "Away and take a flyin' focus to yourself."

All: Nah.

Victor: Doesnae work, that, Eric.

Boabby: Look, I could lose my licence. You shouldnae be playing cairds in here.

Winston: Cards, Boaby, we're playing cards, no' 'cairds'. Cairds is what you play cards wi'.

Boabby: Just... keep it doon.

---

Pete the Jakey: Ladies and gentleman, Shug... and two polis.

---

Winston: [after Stevie the bookie takes his money] BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aff

Boabby: [as Winston limps in] Oh dear, if it isnae Long John Silver!

Winston: If I was Long John Silver, you'd be first to walk the plank, you wank!

Series 4

Dial-a-Bus

Boabby: One more thing.. don't take ANY pish off them. I never do.

Eric: Hullo Boabby. You look like a prized wanker.

---

Winston: (posing as owner of The Clansman) I'll also be getting rid of ma stack o' hardcore porny books. I've read them all noo anyway, and I'm getting too auld for the chuggin'

---

Bobby: Ho-ho, it's the two Ronnies.

Victor: Oh the two Ronnies now? Well then, it's shut-up-ya-prick fae me...

Jack: ...and shut-up-ya-prick fae him!

Hatch

Tam: What're you doin' looking through the letterbox?

Isa: What am I doin' looking through the letterbox?! Watching one old pal pumpin' the other! We aw know I'm a nosy bastard, but try to concentrate on the bigger picture! What are we gonna dae?

Navid: What are we goin' to dae? It's simple. We lure them into the shop, bludgeon them to death, cut aff their balls and hang them from the street lamps as a warning! That kind of filth will no be tolerated in Craiglang!

Isa: Is that what they do in your country, Navid?

Navid: No, you nosy cow! We live and let live, and we certainly don't poke our bastard noses through other peoples' letterboxes!

Who's The Daddy?

Eric: Lager, Boabby!

Boabby: Shut yer hole, ya dick!

Series 6

Lights Out

Navid: ( To Isa ) Braveheart! you look like Mel Gibson "They can take our lives, but they'll never take ma handbag!"

Boabby: [as Jack, Victor and Winston enter] Oh look who it is, Huey, Dewey and Louie.

Jack: Who?

Boabby: The Disney characters.

Jack: Oh right, aye. Well get us three pints, you goofy bastard!

Hyper

Jack: (Navid talking about losing business to a rival shop) You've still got us

Navid: Aye, but let's face it. You're old. Decrepit. You'll be deid within six months. Then where will a be? Now, what can I get ye.

Jack: Two coffins, ya cheeky bastard!

Boabby: Oh look, it's Bill and Ben!

Victor: Two whiskies, you flobadobbing knob end!

Navid: Get it up you, you value-for-money bastards!

Recipe

Navid: You want me to talk to Tam, the most miserable bastard in the world, about changing his ways? Why don't you give me something simple to do, woman?! Like steal the Koh-i-Noor diamond, or climb K2 with Meena strapped to my back?!

One In, One Out

Victor: Back aff, ya spooky bitch!

Jack: He called her a spooky bitch!

Fiona: Wit! Did ye?

Victor: Indeed I did not!

Jack: Aye ye did!

Victor: I called your missus a spooky bitch?!

Jack: Aye ye did, then ye chucked me doon the stairs!

Victor: You're oot yer tits on morphine, Jack.

Specials

The Party

Ned: Ten quid, man. Ten quid buys ye freedom.

Isa: [Hands ten pound note to Jack] Here, gie 'em that.

Jack: [To Isa] I'll square you up tomorrow.

Isa: Just gie 'em it!

Jack: Right, here you are, go on.

Ned: Feechees.

Jack: Sorry?

Ned: Feechees.

Jack: Yes, feechees to you too. Are ye helpin us or whit?

Ned: Naw. A tenner fae each eh yees.

---

Plum Number

Clansman Punters: [having learned Jack and Victor are in a Christmas Choir, sung to the tune of "Ding Dong, Merrily on High"] La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ya couple of auld POOF-TERS!

External links

• Still Game quotes at the Internet Movie Database