206

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Mat 2, 1886.

UNTIMELY!

Patient [with Limited Income). “Oh, Dootoe, don’t let me Slit through your
Fingers this Time-just as Oysters are going to be Cheap again ! ”

TENNYSON TACKLED,

x.

THE FLIGHT!

Companion Poem to “ The Fleet.” A Rejoinder.

You—you—if you have failed to understand
How ships are built on paper at Whitehall,

Have picked up from the Pall Mall, seoond-hand,
Facts which hut after all

Make circulation great—

Your Isle,—where you possess the snuggest berth,

The tangled lanes, clear stretches of the sea,—

Might feed your Muse ; of matter you’ve no dearth.
& why this unprovoked attack on me,—

This—regular slate ?

You—you who, I admit, can write,

If you have talked of “ kicking ” to my face

Well, pr’aps I ought to seek the Isle of Wight,

And kick you at your place ;

And may—though late, though late.

n.

THE BARD.

Another Companion Poem. A Reply.

Yum-Yum,* if I have failed to understand
The tons, and guns, and “ ends,” whereof they brawl,

At me, at least, can no man point the hand.

For hypothetical

Purely, is all I state.

Yum-Yum, if any man has starved the Fleet,

If any man has his head punched for this,

Kicked by a million boots along the street,

That sight I would not miss,

Kay, nor arrive too late !

And what, if flying collars and a face
Familiar once in Highland tour with me,

I saw thus pelted in the market-place ?

Well, well, so might it be ;

And, if deserved, First-rate!

* Yum-Yum, believed to be Japanese Muse of Hypothetical
Poetry, corresponding to “ You, you.”

THE FIRE-IRONY OF FATE.

Premier pipes—

Ir'not a good Driver, I’m prime as a Stoker.

In Egypt I stirred—’tis the part of a Poker.

And what with our blunders, and what with our wrongs,
We’ve been going it lately like “ Shovel and Tongs.”
Now, just as the furnace appears in full blast,

You ’ll see me fall hack on the Scuttle at last.

THE OEFICIAL OLLENDORFF.

New and revised Edition, containing many phrases likely to prove most
useful on land or sea in the event of any Continental Warfare.

Exercise I.—For the Navt.

Is our coal run out ? It is (run out'. Why do we not sail to the
nearest coaling station ? Because all the coal of the nearest coaling
station has been burnt by the small cruiser of the prudent enemy.
You are jesting. Pardon me, I do not jest at all. I perceive the
large ironolad of the enemy. Will you tell them not to fire at our
unarmoured ends ? Is it possible, they are firing at our unarmoured
ends ! Let ns load the big gun. Why can we not load the big gun ?
Because we have not the large powder. Have you the enemy’s big
gHn (the big gun of the enemy) P No—the enemy has our big gun.
Who has our fine ships ? The enemy has them. Is that a whale
advancing, or a torpedo boat ? It is not a whale. The enemy have
the fine torpedoes, but we have not the strong wire nets. Has the
foreigner onr wooden Admiralty official ? He has not our wooden
Admiralty official, hut he has onr good ships. Will your Czar thank
the economical Admiralty of the trusting Englishmen P He will, Sir!

Exercise II.—For the Armt.

(a) On the March.—No have the blue spectacles, the Japanese
umbrellas and the amusing parlour games, but we have not the sur-
gical appliances. Has the cook of the regiment the good Australian
beef ? He has none of the good Australian beef, but a good deal of
the compressed English horse-radish. Your ugly camel lias the red

mange. All the ugly camels have the red mange. Have we plenty
of the fresh water ? We have not the fresh water, hut we have the
empty water-tanks. I have the tinned meat of the wealthy con-
tractor, and I have also the severe stomach complaint (or the severe
complaint at the stomach).

(5) In the Field.—What gun has the enemy P He has the good
gun. Have you the Martini-Henry rifle ? I have the Martini-
Henry rifle, and the composite-case cartridges. Why does the General
alter the letter of the candid correspondent P The action is beginning,
though we have not yet all our troops.

We have only to keep od firing a little longer and we shall win the
battle!_ Why do you not keep on firing ? Because I cannot get the
composite-case cartridge out of the Martini-Henry rifle. How much
is my gun worth ? Is it worth as much as that of your friend P I
should prefer to have the Brown Bess of the brave ally, or the
leaden peashooter of my naughty boy.

Are the Cossacks coming ? They are. Let ns form square and fix
the bayonets. We have fixed the bayonets, but they are bent. Are
they soft? They are (soft). We will draw our swords. Some of
the swords will draw, but they will not cut. It is fortunate, then,
my dear friend, that we have the Gardner gun. Why do you not
fire the Gardner gun? It is jammed. We are very (tres) unfortu-
nate [malheureux). We must not trust everybody. Shall we
surrender ? We will not surrender, since we do not prefer life to
death. Will the War Office of the Englishmen he mentioned in the
despatches of the General of the victorious enemy ?

All the Difference.

[Lord R. Churchill, speaking on the anniversary of Lord Beaconspibld’s
death, said he would back the Primrose League against the Caucus.]

Through a long thorn-strewn path the man you praise
Climbed up to Power after many days.

You, too, would climb. But what does Shakspeare say P
The “ Primrose-path” leads—well, the other way.

Russ in Urbe.—The Pall-Mall Gazette.