January 10, 1885.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

13


TWO CENTENARIANS.

Sir Moses Montefiore Congratulates the Times on reaching
its 100th Year.

NOTHING IE NOT CRITICAL.

With a charming naivete, Mrs. Kendal has recently been giving a
good, deal of interesting, information on the. subject of Dramatic
Criticism to the “ Interviewer ” of an enterprising journal; and if
the fair and gifted Artiste be correct in her estimate of the present
condition of this special department of literature, it certainly would
seem to be in rather a bad. way.

That a great Actor should nowadays be able to demoralise the
“ Upper Ten of the Press by ‘Capuan Suppers ” is sad enough; but
still there is, it must be granted, about the gastronomic downfall of
these distinguished gentlemen a certain melancholy dignity. Nothing,
however, can be said in.extenuation of the conduct of the representa-
tive of another, and it is to be presumed, less exalted class of
j ournalism, whom Mrs. Kendal playfully gibbets under the name of
“ Mr. Sparkles.” To ensure a laudatory notice of a new piece from
this venal and exacting personage, much art, discretion, temper, tact,
expense, and even serious inconvenience will have to be faced by any
high-class. management. But that the feat is to be accomplished,
the following fly-leaf recording Mr. Sparkler’s experiences of a
premiere, extracted from his own private diary, conclusively tes-
tifies :—

® 77 -^-rrive at the Theatre one-and-twenty minutes late.

Thoughtso They haven’t dared to ring up without me. Halloa!
what s this P Why, if it isn’t—the Guards’ Band in the Entrance,
playuio! bee the Conquering Hero Comes,” just as I step out of
my Hansom. Jackson, the Acting-Manager, meets me, hat in hand,
ana exp ms that they send their compliments, and hope I like the
Music on the stairs. Civil. Wonder what sort of a Box they’ve
given n • Ha! this isn’t bad. The three next to the Stage on
Gra.n t fv,, hooked into one. Notice a sofa-divan, seven easy
chairs, wo tables (one laid), a mantelpiece with clock on it, several
wotL wCVELLIS ” an. astronomical telescope, hot India-
rUj AtopPIv °ttle, and artistic display of fernery, with all daily
and weeK y paper3. jn fact, everything to make one comfortable.
_S1;LP this Ip Ce a good deal because they don’t begin.

i?60* .irn’nt hap .really meant very civilly. Man from neighbouring
Rest a just wheeled in a joint to back of the Box, and says

19 Jlittle me, with compliments, whether I “wouldn’t

llke tlice-beWpk.1?^ Just to keep me .after my cab-drive-just
one o.Tiuddino-”6 bcgim” What is it? “Boiled pork, and
pease-P Well, I don’t know that I won’t. Uproar in the

k0UUI mind eitip ,F0Ilnd “ compliments,” and wonder whether I
would. . ng through the First Act. Not in the least. Tell
the® not mind me.”

9+L’t boiled A°Ver™ Something in it. Like it. Almost as good
as-ib“ complimenta'), have just sent round a dozen of stout

,w set, I wonlrn-i want t° know whether, as there is rather a
^eaV round Hvdp j> ? *■? take a little turn in a private coach and
I0UI,7 “ Thanks-K.fi ? tke dark and refresh myself. Send back
to sa-_not now, I ’ll let them know about it later.”

10’5.—Second Act over. Public seem to like it. Rather annoyed
at getting no message from “behind.” Ha! ha! they had better
look out! Knock at the door. Good. It’s all right! They’ve
sent round two barrels of oysters with a man to open them as fast as
I can eat them, and then “ compliments” and would I like to have
the Acting-Manager in to do a little rough tumbling and conjuring,
at which he is rather clever, at the back of the box to amuse me.
Accept the oysters. Acting-Manager bad. Send him about his
business and, at his suggestion, have in the ophicleide from the
Guards Band to play a solo. A few cries of “Order!” from the
house, but I get a kindly nod of . encouragement through the
curtain. They evidently mean to be civil.

10'45.—Have finished the oysters, and at End of Act Three, ac-
cepted invitation to go round “behind” and, carefully packed in
cotton wool, get into the costly and elaborate machinery and revolve
with it, partaking of bits of fresh pine-apple, bonbons, strawberry
ices, and. petits verves of Chartreuse in three colours, while its
purpose is explained to me by the “ management,” who follow me
about with a Surgeon from the Charing Cross Hospital, in case I
stick. Again press me to have a turn somewhere in a four-horse
coach before last Act commences, and finally take a rush in a tandem
up Northumberland Avenue and back.

11T7.—Last Act in progress. Am smoking the second out of a
fine hundred of cigars 1 found waiting me, spread out in the front of
the Box on my return. Feel a little sleepy. “Kindest compli-
ments ” sent round to say they have noticed it from the Stage, and
would I like to have my hair cut, and be sprinkled with Eau de
Cologne, and be kept awake, “ as it won’t last very much longer,” by
some good Stories that the Acting-Manager will be delighted to tell
me. Thoughtful. Pull myself together, and try to make out what
it’s all about. Seems to be a costly and artistic revival of Macbeth.
Mem. If there ’s a good feed after it’s over, give ’em a lift ? eh ?

Midnight.—All right. I thought they would do the correct
thing. . Very kindest compliments,” and will I join them after-
wards m a little “ select Capuan Banquet—to meet the creme of the
Press, and have a friendly little chat about it all—“ quite sans
fagon. Six-horse drag now waiting. By Jove, I’ll go, though—and
though I didn’t think much of his First Witch, if the Chateau Yquem’
1865, is good, he shall have a whole half column to himself ! ’

vol. Exxxvra.

A CROWNING DIFFICULTY.

It having been definitely decided at the latest'sitting of the Berlin
Conference that the future form of Government of the New Central
African Association shall be “ Monarchical,” and, as far as the idea
can be conveniently carried out, of the Newest Approved European
type, the following notes of a rough draft scheme have already been
drawn up:—

1. The king shall be elected by the"Minor Purposes Committee.

(a) His income shall consist of 500 tons of ivory dust, coeoanut-
fibre, live performing camels, human bones, date jelly, hyiena
skins, and unscented palm hair-oil, payable quarterly in
advance, and he shall have power [droit) to levy for arrears with
a tomahawk.

(5) He may take out a portable Palace, Circus, Italian Opera House
(with reduced prices), and five dozen lamp-posts with him; but,
in the event of there being no Capital to receive him, he will be
expected to find his own.

(c) An eleven months’ residence in the basin of the Upper Congo
will be regarded as the minimum of his annual presence on the
spot, and, owing to the natural advantages of the situation, he
will not be required to put his washing out.

2. The Candidates eligible for the post will be (a) the Emperor of
Germany, (b) the Emperor of Austria, (c) the King of the Bel-
gians, [d) the King of Italy, (e) the Emperor of Russia.

3. In the event, which is not probable, of the crown being refused by
all of the above Royal and Imperial personages, it will be offered to
(a) Mr. Sangeb, (b) the Representative of Messrs. Crosse and
Blackwell, (c) the Lama of Thibet, [d) Mr. J. L. Toole.

4. In the further improbable event of one, or even all four of these
gentlemen together, declining to go out and see how they like it
[leur convient), just for a month (un mois seul), then it shall be
thrust on some distinguished ticket-of-leave man by private pres-
sure (force majeure), and he shall be required to finish out his
legal term on half-salary, dividing the balance among the acting
Committee of Appointment.

5. In the still further and more improbable event of the new king,
however chosen, being suddenly eaten, together with the rest of
his dynasty, by his subjects in a fit of popular enthusiasm, it shall
then be competent for the Committee of Appointment to recon-
sider the above constitutional scheme, and advertise occasionally
in some widely read weekly paper for an elderly, amiable, con-
fiding, and eligible substitute.