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Awful Films I just HAVE to see!
Reviews
Saltwater (2016)
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID!
There are two possibilities here: either they did a laughably awful job on purpose for the shiggles (most probable), or they are genuinely incompetent. In other words, they either deserve 1 star or are desperate to receive one, so who am I to deny them? This is a movie about a shark that looks like an angry uncooked breakfast sausage that is also radioactive, go into it with low expectations and prepare for it to fail to meet even those.
Cats (2019)
One off the bucket list!
I've always wanted to see a truly legendary terrible movie during its first theatrical run. The Room wasn't given a theatrical debut in my country, I was too young to go and see Gigli, and I didn't get to go to the Baywatch either. But now I've done it! I got to watch CG abominations vomit on Ray Winstone in a fursuit, and that made me very happy!
Loosideu deurim (2017)
This is the movie Inception wishes it could be!
Pffft Inception, amirite? Way to ruin a cool concept Mr Nolan, you had characters who could go into shared dreams and you did what, had them make a rish boy cry?! Why not have them solve a missing child case, like this smash hit did?
Your plot twists a weak, oh so in the introduction it turns out they were in a dream within a dream? Nothing compared to finding out that the criminal mastermind behind a kidnapping was the chief of police all along, the same chief of police who deliberately stopped the case being declared a cold case because a reporter kept punching politicians! Your collapsing city was hardly impressive too! Why have a finale take place in a collapsing grey city inside the mind of someone dying and every time a defibrillator is used lightning strikes, when you could have a finale take place in a collapsing grey city inside the mind of someone dying and every time a defibrillator is used AN EARTHQUAKE HAPPENS AND A BUILDING EXPLODES?!
There are so many more subtleties I don't even have time to discuss, like the Catholic orphanage that apparently never cross-references the names of new orphans against the names of missing children (which is itself a cunning metaphor for the Irish Catholic Church stealing children from single mothers), or the plan to illegally harvest an organ from someone with a rare blood type, then just show up with it at a hospital and expect them to just perform the transplant without question being used to highlight the global transplant shortage (SIGN UP TO DONOR LISTS PEOPLE, DUH!). The hacker being able to hack into anything, EVEN DREAMS, was a cool 80s throw-back too! Solid 10/10 guys!
Ad Astra (2019)
Good intentions do not equal good execution
I was disappointed by this movie. It fails to deliver a coherent character arc for the protagonist despite being a character based film. It attempts to have multiple subplots that end in simplistic and mutually contradictory ways. If you can't write an ending that ties up all subplots in a satisfactory manner, drop some of the subplots.
The visual effects and overall visual presentation in this movie are good, but there are also scenes that feel like they're there so the film can be falsely presented as an action blockbuster in marketing. There are overlooked details, like the gravity on the Moon, so obvious that they ruin the immersion in the movie.
Overall, this film had potential, and credit has to be given for trying to create a more complex film in today's age of mass-market reboots and sequels. However, it failed to do so, and several scenes scream studio interference (not a surprise in hindsight, given the Mouse delaying the release of the movie after a hostile takeover of 20th Century Fox).
Inconceivable (2017)
Inconceivably stupid
If you are a member of one significant portion of this film's audience, you will have found this film because Nicolas Cage is in it. If this applies to you, stop and turn away because he does not have a significant role in this film, and in the scenes he actually appears in his performance is figuratively phoned in. If however you can derive entertainment from watching stupid films, go ahead and watch. The plot is ridiculous and mainly fuelled by the two main characters behaving in the most irrational way they can, even though only one is supposed to be crazy. The acting is uninterested to awful, and the pacing is terrible. 2/10, almost so bad it's good in places.
Blood Debts (1985)
Generic action movie: the fightening
This feels like what would happen if you gave some guy you just met a camcorder and a special effects budget for an action movie. Nothing is done competently. I couldn't tell whether the opening shot (a quick zoom-out from a close-up of a can of Dr Pepper) was deliberate product placement, or whether the director had seen product placement in another film and thought that this was a legitimate film-making technique. The acting is hilariously bad, the fighting is unrealistic, and what little there is of the plot makes no sense. Fortunately it's mainly just the main character wandering around murdering random people.
Character motivation is seemingly alien to this film. Characters often behave entirely irrationally, such as when Mark Collins (the character, not the special effects supervisor of exactly the same name) murders the son of a man who has his wife hostage, and who explicitly told him he has his wife hostage to control him. There are even two scenes of the police department, featuring policemen sitting in an office praising the actions of a serial killer! Even when characters seem to have a motivation, they will forget it entirely after a couple of scenes.
Maybe the sound is okay, you say? Be prepared for a film that literally spams the sound effect from the Batman TV series (when the bat symbol flashes up before the opening credits) as a soundtrack! But for true incompetence, just wait until the end of the film, when after Mark blows up the bad guy it just suddenly ends, with a quick screen of text explaining he later handed himself into the authorities and began serving a life sentence as triumphant music blares! Remember the death of Poochie in that one Simpsons episode? Here's where they got the idea!
Monster House (2006)
Move over Pixar, this is the future of 3D animation
A lot of people will talk about how emotional the old people scenes in the animated movie UP are, however when taken with sombre reflection it is clear that the story arc of the old man NebberCracker in Monster House is far more emotional and well written. The old people in UP live out a full and happy lifetime. There really is nothing to be sad about, because they both lived long, normal and happy lives during that segment. The same cannot be said for Monster House. Their lives were not ones of happiness, as the woman Constance was tormented and ridiculed. All they had was each other, which was what made her premature death in a tragic cement mixer accident so tragic. Not only that, but in stark contrast to the old man from UP in Monster House the memory of her literally poisons Nebbercracker's entire home. Everything that once filled him with joy traps him and isolates him from everyone around him, until people literally celebrate when they hear (incorrectly) that he has died. The sheer tragedy of Dan Harmon's masterpiece is finally brought home when the house is destroyed and we see the last trace of her disappear from his life forever, but he cries with joy because he is finally free, echoing the sober theme of the entire movie that looking to the past is dangerous and poisonous. When compared to the epic tragedy that is Monster House, the old lady dying in UP makes me laugh.
K-9 (1989)
They put a dog in a car-wash.
They put a dog in a car-wash. This is what the movie Love On A Leash would have been without the dog's voice-over.
Motu Patlu: King of Kings (2016)
This is my new favourite anime
Many times has the question been asked, who is the most powerful, Goku or Superman? The answer is neither, it is the anime hero Motu, a short fat man who is bloated like a tire! A man who can defeat jungle lions in hand to paw combat! If Popeye gains power from spinach. then Motu is unstoppable after a plate of samosas! But fear not, for it is not just action in this breath-taking spectacle! There is an eerily beautiful musical number, and several times during the run-time the drama becomes so intense that grown men have no choice but to break down and weep. 10/10 best anime of all time!
Aquaman (2018)
Has redeemed my faith in the superhero genre
Finally, it seems that that DCEU has worked out how to do superhero films right. Instead of the dull, dingy worlds of films like Batman Vs Superman or Suicide Squad, Aquaman provides a sequence of visually stunning settings with colour palettes that help to set the scene. Gone is the failed attempts to make the series dark and gritty, instead here's a film that accepts that the audience of a modern superhero film is there for an exciting and light-hearted action film, then proceeds to hit the mark. It even subtly acknowledges the common criticism of the DCEU that they're just copying Marvel with a couple of visual jokes! If this is what DC films are going to be from now on, then I look forward to what comes next!
The Astronaut Farmer (2006)
What is this?
I honestly do not know what this film was trying to be. It made me laugh a few times, but I don't think I was meant to laugh. It lacked both the fantasy element and the creativity that a sci-fi needs. That leaves drama, but I felt very little emotional weight to this film. I'm guessing it was meant to be a drama from the lay-out, so that's how I shall judge this film.
From the start, the characters are poorly developed. We learn the main character wants to go into space, and that's pretty much as far as it goes. Every interaction he has, or his backstory, seem to be dictated mainly by his desire to go into space. For a drama to function, the main character cannot be this one-dimensional, as this immediately strips out any connection most of the audience could have. It's difficult to empathise with someone whose entire personality is space.
To make up for this, the film starts pelting the audience with tragedy after tragedy, which A. has a lessened effect by the lack of connection to the 1D characters and B. numbs the audience after a while, and starts to make events that should be far from comical funny. This effect is worsened by the film's inability to properly convey drama and seriousness, which can make terrible accidents look like slapstick humour.
In addition to the film's failure to fit into the genre it seemed to be trying for, there were numerous plot holes and goofs, which become a lot more noticeable while watching and you realise the film is trying way too hard to be an emotional drama. Overall, this is a bad and goofy film. 2/10, made me laugh
Battleship (2012)
Laughable B Movie
Probably the best place to start with this film is by noting it is a sci-fi action film based on a board game that can be played with two bits of paper. Sounds really exciting, right? But it gets better, with the actual gameplay mechanic being used in during one of the naval battles!
This film has the level of quality you'd expect from a film based on a game that originated in the 1930s. The characters are one dimensional and the plot is stupid. The cast can all act, but the writers deprived them of anything to work with. The cinematographer overuses lens flares to the point they become distracting. The villains are never properly developed, they just attack, but only sometimes, and have seemingly no motivation other than being hostile invaders.
The whole thing comes across as something that was written as a joke, but was somehow made. Definitely watch if you like bad films! 2/10
Bratz (2007)
Racist, unimaginative trash
There really isn't much to say about a film in which a hispanic character lives in a crowded house with a mariachi band, and the Asian who is good at maths being wooed by someone using martial arts techniques. So instead, here's the haiku I was inspired to write while watching this:
Hate without ending
My heart implodes with despair
Death is eternal
Tarzan (2013)
Tarzan's adventures in the uncanny valley
This is a strange film. Everything about it just seems off in some way or another. The animation and 3D modelling is of a high quality, almost too high quality, since many of the characters have an uncanny valley feel about them. The plot is ridiculous, and feels like something The Asylum CC would come up with as a mockbuster. Even then, it's so slowly paced that nothing really happens for a good half of the film, except for Tarzan stalking Jane. Many of the characters are one dimensional at best, and Tarzan has a weirdly diverse range of skills for someone lost in the jungle as a child, not to mention his superhuman speed and strength.
Still, that said I'm still hoping for a sequel, Tarzan 2: Gorillas in New York!
Daddy Day Camp (2007)
Creatively bankrupt
In the midst of big blockbusters and award-winning films, it's all too easy to forget that most of Hollywood's output is stale, rehashed trash. That is, until you come face-to-face with one of those films. This is a boring, by the numbers film designed purely to cash in on the nostalgia of American parents for something they did when they were young.
No one working on it had any idea how to make the characters' motivations fit the script, and the result is a cast of unlikeable characters who make stupid decisions. The entire premise for the story falls apart when you realise the main character could have just called the police on the other camp and solved all his problems, but no, Hollywood has to fill its quota of films teaching manly self-reliance as a religious absolute, and that the little guy can always stick it to the man if he believes (despite the mountains of evidence that this approach fails 99.9% of the time). If this worked, why is there a police force? Why are there laws? Above all, why is it 'the man' keeps promoting this message via terrible children's films?
Aside from the crippling problems with the overall story, this so called comedy only ever attempts jokes on a par with The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Your film has a problem if it's possible to draw parallels between characters in your film and TGPKM based on the disgusting qualities of the characters. The resolution of the film even has similarities to that of TGPKM, with protagonists winning various events using skills such as projectile vomiting, or throwing urine over another child.
This is an awful film. It is not remotely entertaining, even for its flaws. It teaches an awful message, and bizarrely even sexualises one of the children. Do not watch this, and especially do not show it to children.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
Exceptional
Wow, this was something. From the action sequences to the dialogue, this film will make you laugh. Character motivations often seem confused, the krugs look like fat guys coated in dried mud, many of the special effects look ridiculous, and the overall cinematography makes it feel like the director had no idea what they were doing*. So bad it's good, put it on with a group of friends and alcohol, and roast it!
Having seen some of the director's other work, this does seem to be the case.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
Oddly prophetic for Reid's career
This film looks and feels like Sharknado. The effects are poor, some of the line readings are unintentionally funny, and the action sequences are cut to pieces to hide the frequent switching of actor and stunt double. In some ways it's a shame that this wasn't made by The Asylum. There was a golden opportunity to make a series of increasingly stupid films based off of rip-off xenomorphs climbing out of the shadow realm! Still, if they had done this we probably wouldn't have Stranger Things, and Reid got to take part in the Sharknado series eight years later anyway, so maybe it's for the best this never went any further!
Furry Vengeance (2010)
By the numbers Hollwood tat
There are some films that come out of America that are just dull, because they feature the same stencilled in characters, repeating the same story over and over again, just to make a couple of executives money. This is one of them. All of its virtue signalling is completely hollow, because you can tell from the total lack of creativity that it was manufactured quickly for profit by exactly the type of people being cast as the villains. The only new things it brings to the table are the poor quality of the animals, with many looking unnatural due to being digitally copied multiple times, or manipulated with CGI, and an unexpectedly high level of casual racism.
Date Movie (2006)
I have never felt so alone
This film reduced me to tears. I felt sad and nauseous throughout its awful run-time, with thoughts of how far away I am from my family constantly streaming through my head. I usually reserve 1 star for so-bad-it's-good films, but this film truly deserves nothing more. It is a soul-destroying wreck of a film, that feels far longer than its 82 minute length would suggest. Avoid like the plague, even if that means exposing yourself to the actual plague.
Pumping Iron (1977)
Unintentional comedy
This would be a slightly dull documentary about muscular men, save for one thing: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Every line of his interviews in this film is amazing. It's worth watching just to listen to him babble and accidentally spout dozens of comedic gems!
Dragonball Evolution (2009)
The Sharknado of martial art films
Reading the reviews, it's possible to think that this is regarded as bad purely because of a vocal fan-base for the original. For instance, Star Wars: The Last Jedi is a good film, but thanks to a small group of noisy 'fans' a lot of the reviews online are negative. This is not the case here. I have never seen/read the original, and I still found this to be a bad film. The CG effects look like something from a SyFy original, the acting at times is reminiscent of Neil Breen, and the whole thing comes across as a goofy mess trying desperately to look like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. If you enjoy bad films like I do, it's worth a watch as it will make you laugh at how bad it is. 2/10
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)
A joyous dream-like affair with life
As I watched this sublime work, I became aware that this is unlike the others. Whereas many films will insist they are different, this film embraces what could make it the same to become different. This embrace of what an action film is makes Ballistic highly entertaining and watchable. When added to the pot with unique cinematography and a perfectly subdued yet omnipresent soundtrack, you have a ballet of bullets that seems to slide past as if a dream, and can truly help you to grasp the intricate threads of self-similarity running through the universe, such as those between a cauliflower and an explosion. An exceptional film, 10/10
Looper (2012)
Weirdly inconsistent time travel laws
First of all, there was some attempt to make an original time travel film here. Secondly, it was well-acted by everyone in the cast, including the child actors. Bruce Willis and Joseph Gordon-Levitt were great choices for the hardened, older and brash, younger versions of the same man. It is well scored, and well directed. Sadly, this cannot save a film that has a hastily written plot just to make a time travel film.
The central premise of the film, that in the future time travel is used to send people back in time to be assassinated because it is impossible to dispose of bodies, is immediately flawed when you realise they could just send the dead body back in time and directly into a furnace, cutting out the middleman. This is particularly of note when we see gangsters actually kill a civilian in the future, indicating they're more than happy to do the deed just to keep their operations silent and that they more than likely kill just as many in the future as they send back. So again, why bother with time travel, especially seeing as the film emphasises that time travel is especially illegal?!
The actual mechanisms of time travel seem to be as confused as the reasons for it as well. It spends a lot of time setting up that when someone travels into the past, changes to the past only catch up with them once they pass the point when the change physically occurs. There is one scene making this gruesomely clear, in which a young looper is dismembered as his older self falls apart on the street outside. This is later reinforced with Bruce Willis' memories. This raises another fundamental question with the plot: why did the Rainmaker rise to power on account of his rough upbringing before Bruce Willis travelled back in time to cause his rough upbringing? In Willis' future, he shot his older self as a young man and never went near the farm, meaning the Rainmaker would not exist, at least not as a hardened criminal. He would have no one to stop upon travelling to the past, and would not have even had his loop closed since the Rainmaker was the one closing the loops. As a side note on the same topic, why did he vanish when Gordon-Levitt shot himself? As established earlier, he should have simply turned into a corpse!
These weren't the only two issues I had with the plot, but they were the two that really crippled it for me. The earlier throwaway line about telekinesis seemed like forced foreshadowing in hindsight, but at least didn't create plot holes. There were other issues, but I've already written too much! 5/10
Air Buddies (2006)
Why do I keep punishing myself with these?
Like a preacher needs pain,
Like a needle needs a vein,
I feel the need to watch awful dog films.
Fact.
This is exactly what you'd expect from a series of films that should have stopped after the first one, or from a large corporation like Disney manufacturing children's films. It is the archetype of a bad children's film, written in a day on the back of a napkin. It is painful to watch, particularly whenever the sheriff's dog starts talking. The most fun you will get out of watching this is by trying to work out what accent the villain is trying to pull of. Cockney? South African? Swedish? Some unholy mixture of all Germanic languages in a blender?
Seriously, don't bother. There are good films, there are entertainingly bad films, and there are stale, manufactured children's films like this one.
Wolf Tracer's Dinosaur Island (2004)
Trash that doesn't realise it's trash
The first thing you'll realise about this thing when you start watching it is that you shuldn't have. It is a visual abomination. The dialogue is poorly written, and sometimes poorly voiced as well, despite the decent cast. The story might have been interesting, had it actually finished. Instead the director favoured an approach half-way between a TV series and a film: not enough suspense about what was going on was kept to sustain a series, but neither was the plot resolved at the end, instead leaving a cliffhanger for a non-existent sequel. Instead, all that's left is a slightly cliched and incomplete sci-fi. An all-round failure, with only a few hints at something better. 2/10.