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just another list of decent weird horror flicks
Reviews
Slutterball (2013)
Insane but pointless
Plot? 404.
Like a love child of street trash and mad max with troma spirit on acid.
Malvineitor (2017)
hilariously offensive action romp
After almost 3 years i managed to track this down with adequate subtitles.
boy, what a blast! outrageous dialogues, raging sexism, ridiculous patriotism and a gym bag full of trashy splattery effects. numerous nods to horror/scifi classics add to the experience.
i have a weak spot for movies that know what they are, and "malvineitor" does know oh so well. if you're fed up with glamour hollywood action and don't mind humour that includes a dude sniffing his own c*m like it was class a coke, this is for you
Cards of Death (1986)
could've been better
Inept lighting and camera as well as dragged, seemingly unnecessary scenes ruined the given potential of this obscurity of a movie.
more tna and more gore might have helped. at around 90min runtime it's also a bit too long
From the Dead (2019)
not too shabby
Apparently i did not follow my intentions when i watched this about a year ago and wrote a review, so i'll catch up to that now.
although my memory lacks details, it wasn't half as bad as i expected and as others have seemed to experienced. yes it's flawed, yes the acting is bad, but still an enjoyable distraction if you 've nothing else to do
Joi sai jeui wan (1993)
category meh
Up to the day i started watching Cat3 flicks i always eyed them with shy respect, thinking my softened western taste wouldn't be able to handle any of these mysterious works.
oh how i was deceived.
some of the are brutal alright, but the vast minority has even a chance to induce a trauma of anyone familiar with horror. there's a handful with are truly disturbing, but Zai shi zhui hun isn't one of them.
the one and only scene that really made me squirm was something comparatively tame, but making our hero, a cop named dave, go deaf on one ear.
admittedly, there is violence. admittedly, there are moments that have a slight resemblance to the "omen" or other creepy kids stuff. it even has a decent story. but overall it won't do for a serious gore fix.
apparently, it has recently been put down from Cat III to IIB.
Les Démons De La Cave (2000)
good stuff
Pretty much a simplified ultra-low version of the evil dead in a house - without ash, that is. satisfying handmade gore and a catchy soundtrack let me ignore inept acting and that the setting was basically nothing but an untidy cellar.
true plus is also the modest running time of not even one hour. i wish more indie horror makers would stop creating tedious yawners of up to 120 minutes - or even more! - and stick to what potential viewers are attracted by: gritty, grimy gore!
give it a shot, it's free-to-watch on yt
The 4Bidden Fables (2014)
disgusting but what else?
The title already made me sceptical by using a number for a word - reminded me of imbecile online speak like "2bad4me" and alike. reading the reviews i decided to give it a shot.
now this flick will frustrate both extremes of horror aficionados: gorehounds will be mostly bored, and people rooting for gothic subtle horror will be disgusted.
stories themselves aren't that bad, if maybe a bit too slow and calm, but offering 2 or 3 minor "wtf"-moments.
if i had to rate the stories for themselves, the last one would definitely win. depictions of hell are usually a tremendous risk even for high budget productions - just think of the CGI disaster in "Constantine" back then- , but the offered imagery doesn't have to hide.
so if you are in the mood for 4 downtempo creeping flicks with some sickness here and there, go for it but don't expect too much
The Curse of Doctor Wolffenstein (2015)
a letdown
Not having seen the previous work of mark rohnstock and his Infernal Films, i thought this would be a good warmup before accessing "Necronos". the tin says all i want for a gorefest nobrainer: "the ultimate experience in violence & gore", "high bodycount", "splatterfest deluxe" and what other obscure german reviewers said about this flick.
to think of the efforts i went to view the allegedly unrated bluray version that was an alleged accidental print makes me frown. let me just state that i got none of the aforementioned attributes. it is just like any other mediocre german splatter movie, with a little higher budget maybe. but why would anyone want to see the hilarious and admittedly entertaining attempts of filmmaking in ultra HD? the inept crudity was part of the genre's charme back then, which didn't age well as it seems.
maybe i am being unfair. everytime i watch something made in goremany i instantly compare it, unwillingly, to the master who lead - or rather, viciously kicked - me into the realms of no-low-budget splatter&gore, master ittenbach. his glory is long gone, sadly, but still he is my personal measure of every genre entry i come across.
Edit: i have not the slightest clue what my predecessor Indyrod watched but it surely wasn't CODW. reference to norwegian black metal?! nah no way mate
Something of Mine (1991)
what low budget horror should be like
Entertaining flick about a black magician who is also a fraternity founder. said fraternity steals his gravestone - and he wants it back.
inept acting, a vengeful yet hilarious demon, cheesy effects, some violence and an insanely unfitting score. those are the ingredients for this movie, and oh they work so well. unlike other independent works, it knows its limitations and clocks at roughly one hour and manages not to get dull.
very charming for what it is.
La raíz del mal (2008)
decent
A village gets attacked by humanoid tree demons. one of the inhabitants tries to rescue the abducted women and discovers her sinister heritage.
if this flick had a little more intentional humour it could pass as a spinoff movie for the possessed tree in evil dead, which has clearly been of significant inspiration. this would have required a little improvement of the acting and more focus on the characters, though.
what we do get it violence-loads of it. the methods available to these wooden wretches when it comes to killing are manifold and include, but not only, fiercely smashing bodies against trunks, splitting skulls, ripping ribcages open and of course strangling by vines while blood spatters the whole forest.
the graphic deaths won't prepare you for the.. cerature responsible for this carnage and its doings. let's just hint to a handful of truly nasty sexual scenes, minor cannibalism and even incest.
if all those reasons are not enough for you to watch, skip it. if they are, you will surely admire, as i did, the special effects and makeup. horror movies in forests are usually endangered to becoming horribly tedious and showing all the non-existant budget. but while it's obvious they didn't have a lot of money to work with, the carnage is arranged in an entertaining if not always convincing way.
the part that will surely stick with me are the masks of the demonic minions. it's hard to tell if they're bugs - there's a slight resemblance to the District 9 aliens -, animated trees or cultists with masks; either way they're genuinely terrifying. one peculiar scene shows the 'birth' of one of them, and this sight is one not easy to forget.
Blutnacht 2 - Die Rückkehr des Dämon (2002)
almost 6/10?! o ok, 11 people.
German underground gore flicks are a genre by itself. most of them are painfully unwatchable, some because of the actors, some have abysmal special effects and others are incoherent messes of both. the less is said plotwise, the better. the few gems i came across, on the other hand, still stick with me and most likely always will. they are the reason why i still search out obscure german splatters, hoping for a pleasant surprise.
well, blutnacht 2 surely wasn't one of them.
let's take a look at the atrocities committed - i will just list them:
-constant yelling, complaining and bleating from the female cast in the first half
-the most ridiculous black mass ever celebrated on european ground. come on guys, noone expects a silver goblet and silken robes, but a plastic trophy cup with a price tag on the bottom, and polyester altar clothes? and what about the dork with the cradle of filth shirt? man i've seen 90s black metal clips with more authenticity
-two of the most passionless BJs i've ever seen in my life
-some guy wearing a yellow polo shirt to camo baggies. no i kid you not -gallons and gallons of red stuff pouring out of murder victims, along with some of the oddest entrails ever pulled from a belly
-is it even possible to make a demon less believeable? every second i expected him to take off his mask and reveal himself as a normal serial killer hiding behind a legend - which would've been a nice twist if you ask me
-the same demon, with tattooed, very humanoid legs, kills by - behold explosive diarrhea. kidding? oh i wish i was!
-how could i almost forget the redneck bloke who is the only one comprehensive and still has subtitles? and who has "i <3 ham" written over his buttocks? or who likes to desecrate disemboweled corpses he finds in the woods?
maybe i am missing the point here. maybe the whole thing was meant to cause nearly 90 minutes of gaping in disbelief, squirming in the seat and concerned shaking of one's head. the reason i avoided this flick was because i mixed up jochen taubert with jochen stephan, and as long as taubert makes movies noone can call uwe boll bad. sadly stephan's work isn't significantly better. do not watch sober.
Contagion (2010)
one big flaw - the characters
As a sucker for indie scifi and horror flicks, no matter how bad they might be made, it took me some effort to get hold of this obscure piece of cinema, but it was definitely worth. it doesn't mess around and gets straight down to business - resulting in the side of a car completely splattered with fresh blood.
before we can think about the circumstances, people start dying left and right, killed by an accidently released organism we never get to know a lot about. there is a porn shooting next door, some related t&a, and soon everyone's panicking, yelling and taking meth, and, of course, getting killed. another reviewer described "bio slime" as a mold from "species" and "the blob", a comparison that can be agreed with. thinking of the fate of one or two characters, i dare to add the story of "starcraft 2", resulting in a couple of scenes i guarantee you haven't seen before, or even alike. even these few minutes are worth the at times slow pace. it is impressive what you can do today in so-called low budget movies.
now for the huge turnoff that made me take 1 star away: the characters themselves. they are a bunch of extraordinarily flat, shallow randoms - some of the chicks actual porn stars -, none of them remotely likeable or sympathetic - and i couldn't help but hate "troy", pretty much the main hero, and his face. don't get me wrong, he wasn't ugly or repulsive, but something in his.. his looks made me constantly think "please die already!" which is a thought i don't have often when viewing horror movies.
so yes, give it a try, pick up some friends, get wasted, and enjoy the ride! oh, and don't blame yourself if you crave for troy to get absorbed by the creature. i surely will not.
Biker's Orgy of Pain (2004)
straight up unwatchable
Almost two hours of plotless rubbish, filled with nasty, filthy rapey violence. avoid.
After Party Massacre (2011)
what the watch did i just f...
Before starting the review i need to thank the makers of this, well, whatever it is supposed to be. "gratuitous violence/nudity" had been terms whose meanings i never really could figure out. when the credits rolled, this lack of knowledge was eradicated.
without doing any extensive research, it is easy to say that this was pretty much nothing but an extensive music video of the two bands mentioned in the summary. the plot is slightly above non existant, the acting abysmal, and dialogue consisted of poetic highlights like "how you doin'?", "yea yea, cool", and any random profanities you can possibly think of.
the biggest problem of APM is, it doesn't seem to know what it wants to be. there isn't enough sex and nudity for actual pron, not enough music for a sole music clip, and too much of both for a decent slasher. never have i been so close to turning off a horror movie.
4 stars is being generous, really. there's one for the music, one for the tatas, one for the kills and one for their variability.
the expected broken bass guitar neck shoved down someone's throat sadly didn't happen.
Johnny Sunshine Maximum Violence (2008)
trinity made herself one messed up private matrix
Contrary to other reviewers, i found this flick rather enjoable. there's a lot of blood and nudity, and the soundtrack does what it should. good fight scenes, a stunning lead actress and interesting lighting added to the mix. it surely isn't for everyone though, some particular scenes are rather extreme in their sadism, and some of them just don't seem to end.
there's one thing i kept scratching my head over, and that was the zombie sideplot. it really didnt add to the plot - if you want to call it that - at all... probably just an element to make the world the events take place more grimy and desolate.
Project: Valkyrie (2002)
c3po's silver brother vs nazi darth maul - the movie
"project valkyrie" is an excellent example of a unique and interesting idea resulting in an incoherent and sometimes boring mess.
after the death of his grandfather, jimmy inherits this war robot who is actually the star of the movie. strangely enough, he also inherits a virus that turns people into.. well whatever they are, reddish nazi cyborgs? (don't ask me why the deceased didn't just destroy it while he had the chance.) the sister of the nazi leader teams up with jimmy and his allied-forces-bot and sets out to hunt for her rotten brother. there is also some kind of anchorman who appears to have founded a task force against the nazi gang. needless to say, he doesn't end up well.
sounds confusing? you bet it is. and if this hadn't been enough there is this obnoxious, completely inappropriate soundtrack that makes one want to turn off sound for a couple of moments. it's not only absolutely annoying in its consistency - at times it is loud enough to drown the dialogues.
there is one exception to that: the club scene - probably the best moment in the whole runtime, which could have easily been cut down to 60-70 minutes.
with its originality, the costumes and the juicy handmade gore, it is still watchable, and one or two comedic scenes added a handful of laughs.
Holy Hell (2015)
"forgiveness for some.. bullets for the rest!"
It doesn't happen too often that i agree with the obviously fake, overenthusiastic reviews of cast, family members or whoever. this time i must admit that, even if i don't share the euphoria their authors must have experienced, "holy hell" was better than expected, and more entertaining than most other low budget production. the lighting is a bit odd at times, acting and effects straightup laughable but the plot is grim and there's enough violence to keep you tuned. unlike other cheap flicks, it doesn't try to be something it can't be.
the fact that it is obviously a "hobo with a shotgun" - ripoff is bearable.
Carnivore (2014)
ancient greek allegory or plain torture pron? you decide.
Now this is one violent flick. even as a connaisseur of the macabre, i squirmed more than once. such unfiltered vileness and brutality isn't something to see every day.
at a runtime of short 30 minutes, i won't go deep into plot details. it starts with a home invasion and goes directly in medias res.
the setup - maybe excluding the opening scene - was clearly inspired by hellenic tragedies, starting with the names of the characters. but while these dramas usually build up slowly and culminate in carnage, the trigger for the violence in here seems to be purely sadism, followed by even more, at the first glimpse pointless sadism.
what is really missing here to create the link to the classic "role models" is a proper reason. in those ancient works, the protagonists are forced into a cycle of despair and disaster without being given a choice - by either a divine or a human law. here, it's just " you hurt me i hurt you even more".
"carnivore" could've been more but if you're in for half an hour of nastiness, check it out.
Kotori tachi no inai hanazono (1992)
strangely fascinating
Japan is weird, we can all agree on that. but for some people examples like "the grudge" or "ring" are enough to back up this fact.
"garden without birds" surely is a much stronger argument, though.
it's hard to spoil this one, really. the plot, if there is such a thing, is rudimental and kept to a minimum. the impressive parts are the imagery and the soundtrack. the use of both b/w and coloured pictures help just a little to figure what exactly is going on.
it's rather a cruel psychedelic experience than an actual movie we get offered here, but due to its runtime of 22 minutes, that's perfectly fine. in addition, you will see one or two scenes that surely will leave an impression.
Violent Shit: The Movie (2015)
last appearance of karl?
Why someone would get the idea mixing giallo with VS is far beyond me. why, you ask? well because it simply doesn't work. followers of both ingredients will be put off, even those, like me, who value both - or maybe especially those.
this movie might just be the result when a director sells away his signature work.
Hâdo ribenji, Mirî: Buraddi batoru (2009)
quite a letdown
After thoroughly enjoying its precedessor, the "bloody battle" didn't turn out to be thaat bloody at all. way too much runtime is spent on needless talking and allegedly meditative moments of people smoking cigarettes or just staring while pretentious music plays. sure, we get a few red fountains, stabbings and dismemberments, but they pile up towards the end while the first half is annoying to sit through. only real good part is the fighting choreography.
with a rumtime twice of part one, i expected to have this additional time filled with more violence and intentive kills - instead, it tries too hard being "kill bill" and building up something that's probably supposed to be a plot. retrospectively speaking, i wish i hadn't spend a fair amount on the double feature dvd. and if this was actually uncut, i can only imagine the boredom enduring a cut edition.
Mutation - Annihilation (2007)
only for the gore
Everytime i review another german gore flick i feel like i am being a bit unfair, for the first movies that came to my attention in this peculiar genre were the early works of lord ittenbach. it was my gateway drug to underground splatter and since then, i have never come across anything even close to, let's say, burning moon or black past. maybe if i hadn't started with the very peak, it would be possible to enjoy flicks like this one more.
Now to Mutation Annihilation. without having seen the predecessors because they're a pain in the to get, it still works by means of understanding the plot. well, we don't watch this for the plot, do we? we come for the red stuff, and admittedly, there's plenty of it. while the handmade effects are very appealing and grim, the CGI is simply laughable, like straight from a 90s low budget game. as expected, none of the characters are likeable, and the acting is, let's say, typical. lord ittenbach in a small role did make me smile, but his screentime was way too short.
long story short, if you want to turn your brain off and enjoy some gangster and zumbe violence, go for it. regarding everything else, you might as well skip this movie.
Witch's Brew (2011)
could've been even more
Very nice little indie flick with a - behold! - original comedic story, decent acting and appealing effects. without further ado, it goes straight in medias res after introducing sympathetic characters and unpretentiously setting up the plot frame.
settings are nice, but could've been darker and gloomier.
what really bothered me were the few but significant offscreen kills. mostly we get to see the full carnage: people spitting buckets of blood, melting faces, intestines all over the place. but some scenes, especially the young punk getting allegedly butchered by poison ivy wielding a machete after it tangled him up in perfect Evil Dead style, just cut off a few seconds too soon.
leaving this minor flaw aside, witch's brew offered a fun ride - unlike countless others so-called indie horrors these days.
Death-Scort Service Part 2: The Naked Dead (2017)
disappointing
Having not seen part one, the title was the only thing that attracted me on this flick, expecting gore, nudity and rivers of blood.
let it be said that i got what i came for, but boy, how tedious can a movie with all these ingredients be? there is zero plot, zero development. all the viewer gets is more naked skin than asked for in a horror movie - and that says something! - with occasional, admittedly very gory murders. but most of the time i just sat there, my eyes on half-mast, watching morelessly attractive "escorts" getting naked, showering, doing their makeup, serving customers and eventually getting slaughtered.
it might be enjoyable if you liked part one but if not i suspect you can skip this. there's even a part 3.. where do directors get those actors?
The Theta Girl (2017)
mediocre attempt on grindhouse revival
So the only reason i am writing this is the 20something obvious fake reviews here. you can clearly see that these accounts were only created to comment on it and give it a skyrocket rating. this being said, i take away 1 star from originally 5.
the movie itself, well. let's put the good stuff first:
the soundtrack was amazing. there's a lot of trippy synth and spacy rock that really pulls the viewer in. the concert at the beginning was expendable but after that the music was almost perfectly chosen.
all in all there are plenty of spaced-out scenes you wouldnt expect when reading a summary.
there's some late but decent blood and gore that earns the movie another star.
acting is alright although none of the characters is really that likeable.
now for what didnt appeal to me:
the lenght. it would have really worked out as a 1-hour-and-some flick instead of the 97, sometimes tedious minutes
next, the "Main villain", if you can call him that, was just plain bad. his reasons, his acting, his motivation.. it was too low a reason for a killing spree.
and finally, the poster art promises stuff the movie can't keep. it is obvious that the artwork tries to associate with 70s grindhouse flicks like the one with the one-eyed girl which name i cannot recall at the moment. it has the revenge alright, but none of the psychological torment that this kind of movie usually is expected to offer.
kill some time with your buddies if you got nothing better to do but it's not a "future cult movie" like some of the reviews - the fake ones - like to suggest