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Knotslanding1993
Reviews
Diamond Zero (2005)
This movie includes the SEX BOMB JOAN VAN ARK!!
This movie includes the SEX BOMB JOAN VAN ARK!!
All I remember about this movie is that the SEXY Joan Van Ark is in it wearing sexy clothing!! This movie is about two guys looking for diamonds or something, whatever!! Anyway, Joan Van Ark is in the movie and in the first scene she is drunk or just crazy and in a bar wearing a sexy see through top, black bra and hot, tight black pants. The bar is dark though so you can't fully see her hot body in the see through shirt! I had to turn up the brightness and lightness on my TV settings to the highest, but I still couldn't see to the fullest! Arrest lighting people, stupid cows! Joan acts drunk in the best acting I've seen in my life! This woman is just beyond a super hero!!! She falls down drunk in the club with her lip gloss and her top flies up to show her HOT stomach! Keep in mind, she was in her late 50s or early 60s in this, she is a ageless superhero!! The guy tries to pick her up, but drops her again and her shirt flies up again (thank you god)! Then they take her home and she says her gate is locked and the sexy idiot left her keys on the other side of the gate or something, so get ready, the sex machine tries to climb over the gate complete with amazing wardrobe malfunctions again! Then it cuts to her waking up in bed with one of the guys! She gets up out of bed and sits up on the side of the bed and shows her total naked back (it was heaven) and then puts a robe on, there is also some side boob showing!! I couldn't relax after watching this movie! It's better than dirty magazines!!! One missed opportunity though! They didn't show the whole sex scene, just her waking up after sex, once again arrest all crew involved! My god every writer, producer, director, lighting person, etc. should be in a mental institution! If you get Joan Van Ark, the hottest women ever to exist and that ever will exist to star in your movie, you better use her hotness to the fullest and not blow it and let the whole world down! They are crushing dreams here and wrecking lives! Bird butts!!
Terror on Track 9 (1992)
This movie could have been sexier! Wasted Joan again!!!
This movie could have been sexier! Wasted Joan again!!!
SPOILERS!!! This movie is about a serial killer who is killing people (mostly homeless women) all over grand central station. The sex bomb and hotter than the sun, Joan Van Ark stars as a noisy reporter who seems to have all the inside details of the story. In the start of the movie they show a hooker-looking person putting on red plastic leather mini skirt and jacket and 20 inch heels and filling a vile with liquid cocaine, it turns out to be Joan! She does this sexy amazing low hooker voice and says nobody touches jezel! These producers once again wasted Joan's hotness. She goes to the one police guy's apartment for dinner and he would have loved to have sex with her (even the guy who worked at the corner selling apples knew she was a hot amazing wonder), but the bird butt writers had her leave his apartment to go kill another homeless women instead of grace our eyes with a sex scene!! They should all be arrested!! I would have dreamed of a sex scene with Joan and that guy where Joan takes off her jacket and skirt to reveal a sexy bra and underwear, making sure she is in full view of the camera to show the worlds sexiest body and have us all have panic attacks from her sex appeal!!!!! Then she should have danced around for the guy because at the start of the movie, he asked her if she used to be a dancer and she said yes. If they did a scene with Joan dancing in a sexy, barely there bra and a thong, I would die and go to heaven! They missed lots of opportunities! And they never showed her face as the hooker, arrest them all. I obviously need to be a writer/producer and create my own movies to cast Joan in so that she isn't wasted and all of the world can get what we are craving, some sexy scenes with Joan!!!!!!!!!! This movie only contained a suggested, but never really showed sex scene between Richard Crenna and Swoosie Kurtz, WHO CARES ABOUT EITHER OF THOSE NON SEXY PEOPLE IN A SEX SCENE!!?!?!?! Enough said bird butt dumb producers who have no more business being producers than rats!
Shakedown on the Sunset Strip (1988)
Bad movie thanks to writers and directors for wasting Joan's hotness!
Bad movie thanks to writers and directors for wasting Joan's hotness!
I hate this movie!!! They had Joan Van Ark player a hooker and wasted a golden opportunity! She had really no sex scenes, undressing or wearing sexy revealing clothing!! The writers and directors need to be tarred and feathered!! Joan would have been more than up to the challenge of doing sexy scenes and showing off the worlds hottest body!!! Arrest all production people from the movie! They had Joan in a Red curly wig, it was UGLY! These people need their heads knocked together! Why not show her beautiful, gorgeous, blonde locks, which would be perfect for a sexy hooker anyway! Joan and Perry King should have had sex scenes!! Stupid!! Joan as a hooker without dodo bird writers, producers, stylists and directors would have been the hottest, sexiest thing in the world and they are dumb butts! Joan, like I said would have been more than happy to show more skin and grace our eyes with her hot body! Perry King had too many scenes and Joan didn't have enough.
The Lady Forgets (1989)
Boring movie with poor acting from Donna Mills!
This movie is very cheaply made and boring! Donna Mills acting is quite terrible and the production quality is extremely poor. I've tried to watch this movie all the way through 3 times and ended up turning it off twice, I finally watched all the way through and I have to say, I didn't miss anything not watching all the way through. I am a big Donna Mills fan, but the movie is a very boring, cheap and poorly acted film. Donna Mills really needs to work on creating a character as an actress because her character in every movie she plays in might as well be the same character, she acts the same in every movie. Donna does not make any quirks for her characters and any quirks her characters have are quirks of Donna's personality, not quirks she created for the character. Sad to say she needs some acting lessons! She was great as Abby in Knots Landing maybe because Donna is more like Abby than she wants to admit. Anyway, back to the movie, I give it 2 stars, bore-ville!
In the Shadows, Someone's Watching (1993)
Disgusting movie, but you should watch anyway!
Disgusting movie, but you should watch anyway! First the plot of this movie is disgusting and weird! Joan van ark is credited as producer, I don't know what part she had in the disgusting script, but I'd be curious to find out. The film has some good actors who were once again I guess desperate for a role. Joan van Ark looks very beautiful, cute and sexy in this movie and she wears a ponytail and sexy jeans in almost every scene. They are lots of great shots of Joan's butt, which is the highlight of the whole movie. Joan's acting is great, especially given the weird script! Daniel J Travanti and Joan are the only people in the film who are not a bunch or either creeps, weirdos or freaks. Joan's husband, played by Rick Springfield looks and acts like a total bum and looks like a drug addict bum in the first scene and as for the rest of the freaks, you'll have to watch and see. Watch for the entertainment of the weirdness and shots of Joan's butt. I give it a 5.
Tainted Blood (1993)
Joan van Ark smokes cigarettes
Joan van Ark smokes cigarettes and drinks and slaps her daughter! Watch this for the character acting talents of Joan van Ark. Joan's character is a total mess! She smokes, drinks and slaps her daughter. She has several breakdowns in front of the neighbors and paints her nails and drinks in bed all day. This is a must watch for any knots landing fan to see Joan's great acting range! She blew me away, just fantastic. The rest of the movie is pretty good and interesting too in a dark way. Just when you think something is one way, the ending will blow you away! Another cute thing for knots landing fans in Emily Ann Lloyd who played Val's daughter Betsy on Knots Landing shows up in the film. Also, some fabulous acting by Raquel welsh! I'd recommend the movie for everyone to watch. It's a bit dark and shocking, but good!
Loyal Opposition (1998)
Not a very good movie!
This is one of the worst movies Joan van Ark has ever starred in! That being said, I'm a big fan of Joan, Rick Springfield and Nick Mancuso, but this plot just wasn't good at all! The Vice President somehow gets trapped in the White House and is running from bad guys, very silly. The cast is all good, so that even makes it a greater disappointment! The first part of the movie where Joan van Ark is working out in a sexy sports bra and then tells her son to put a bunch of bunnies away is the best part of the movie, which says how the movie isn't very good. It is fun to watch the beautifully skinny and petite van ark run around the White House and see her hot skinny butt! She was especially skinny at this time and even she is 5 foot 6 or 7, she appeared very short and petite because she was so skinny, which was a highlight. Joan and Corbin Bernson go running around the White House and crawling through air vents to escape the bad guys, quite silly really. I guess these talented actors were desperate for a role. You can't really make to much out of this poor plot and script no matter what a talented actor you are. Joan van Ark's body was just amazing in this movie though, but her face looked like a monkey actually. If you're a fan of any of these actors, you may enjoy the movie, otherwise I wouldn't really recommend it.
My First Love (1988)
Fantastic movie!!
First, I read a review saying that Joan van Ark's acting was bad in this and I strongly disagree! She was fantastic with a wonderful comic touch playing the spoiled, immature Claire. She has a fantastic talent for comedy and used it to the fullest in this film. The movie is about Bea Arthur and Richard Kiley's characters who meet up again after being a couple when they were young. Richard's character Sam is dating a younger, sexy, immature women, Claire (Joan van ark). The movie is funny and sweet and everyone should see it simply just to see Joan van Ark in a sexy leopard bikini and other sexy skimpy clothing. The bedroom scene between her and Sam is also a highlight when she starts undressing. Her body is just perfection and she oozes sex appeal. Fabulous movie from start to finish! Great ending too and fantastic acting by Bea, Richard and Joan!!
When the Dark Man Calls (1995)
Highly recommend! Joan van Ark is so Hot!
Highly recommend! Joan van Ark is so Hot!
This isn't the greatest movie in terms of the plot, but in terms of Joan van Ark's sex appeal on screen it is 100+! This is one of the only movies where they use her great body in a movie. Credit to the writers and director for family using her hot body and good looks in a film. They obviously use several opportunities to say how good looking she is. James Reed says, I almost forgot how beautiful you are. She is a shrink and her patient has a huge crush on her and says how pretty she is. She goes to visit her brother at a construction site and all the construction workers whistle and freak out and say things like I think I've died and gone to haven. But the best part is a really hot, sexy love scene with Joan and James Reed, complete with no music and sexual sound effects by Van Ark. Watching this is slow motion is amazing! Joan grits her teeth and is naked up on James Reed. When I watch that love scene, I seriously can't breathe it is just oh my god amazing! I only wish it was longer!! There are also several scenes where Joan is undressing and in her underwear and a scene where a man tries to shoot her while she is conveniently undressing, so when he fires the gun she goes diving on the side of the bed in curled up position in her underwear that is almost a thong. If you are a Joan van Ark fan you will most certainly enjoy the movie and if you just want to see a hot women, buy the movie!! I do recommend this movie to everyone!! She wears lots of short skirt and sexy bras in the movie and her acting is top notch! The first time I watched, the plot kept me interested, but to re-watch, the story isn't that interesting, I just re watch to see the most beautiful hot women in history JOAN VAN ARK! She was also 50-52 when she made this film, she is just incredible. She looked maybe 35. Sex Bomb!!
Deceptions (1990)
Excellent movie!
I love this movie! Love the soundtrack too! The movie keeps you guessing until the end. One problem I have though is I'm obviously an idiot because the particular incident that that happened at the start of the movie didn't make sense with the ending. Shocking ending though that left me puzzled. Nicollette sheridan does a great job of acting in this film and you even get a tiny view of her boobs in a steamy love scene. Hamlin was also good and looked good! I'd recommend to everyone and the soundtrack is outstanding!! Nicollette really is an underrated actress! She really portrayed her character well and she is able to dig into my emotions, which is a sign of a good actress. I will watch the movie over and over! It's also fun 80s/90s nostalgia with all the sax music. The best thing about the movie is that it really keeps you guessing to the end, it never lets up.