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This might be the seventh time I've watched this movie, and it's become a loopable guilty pleasure of mine. With the end credits rolling, I'll go back to the beginning and watch Ghost of Mars all over again. There's something about it, the wide aspect ratio, the cinematography, the dissolves, or the understated soundtrack and pacing. I just can't get enough of this movie.

For starters, I'd be remiss not to mention the scene where Dos (played by Lobo Sebastian) being the chivalrous gentleman offers to help Akooshay with her can. "Hey, babe, let me do that for you," carefully applying his machete to the top of the can, proceeding to take a massive hit of Laffer before chopping his own thumb off and proudly presenting his bloody hand to Akooshay. That one scene is indicative of a filmmaker with an "I don't give a f-" attitude who has tapped the true spirit of renegade filmmaking. There's no apparent reason for having this scene in the movie, yet, for me, it automatically catapults Ghost of Mars into the canon of greatness. It's arguably the greatest scene in cinematic history and gets a laugh out of me every time I watch it.

Jason Statham, charismatic and charming as he is, does not steal the show and serves wonderfully as a disposable side character. I don't know why, but for some reason that really adds to the film. Just enough Statham to garnish the dish without being overpowering and obnoxious. He could have ruined the movie as lead character.

Another great scene features Natasha Henstridge tripping out on CLEAR, revealing the memories of an alien race. Masterfully done. I remember the first time watching that scene I was like, wow, that's pretty cool.

Gunfights and action sequences might have detracted from the movie, but upon closer inspection they're well done without being overwhelming. Oftentimes the noise of a gunfight or car chase makes me want to turn off a movie altogether. Overindulgence in gunfire is a headache waste of time, but you'll notice the guns here sound more like muffled firecrackers, pop, pop, amidst distorted metal guitar riffs, which manages to weave the tolerable action sequences into a greater whole.

When characters are beheaded by airborne saw it's like getting a power-up mushroom in Super Mario Bros. Campiness boosts up exponentially when major characters are offed by beheading or dismemberment resulting in a standing ovation from the crowd.

Seeing Natasha Henstridge in her prime is like watching a shooting star that will never pass again. Her recent films of the Hallmark channel fare are simply not the same. She's perfect in this movie, and the rest of the cast has great chemistry. Serious, yet serving the claustrophobia of a tightly knit squad moving from one bunker to the next, encountering one gruesome mess after another. The whole production is a rare treat that appears to have commanded a high budget with great set pieces and top notch acting.

The flashback within a flashback (within a flashback) is genius, concocted by John Carpenter the true creative mastermind. Where else can you see that much embedded storytelling? Also, the fact that Whitlock tells two conflicting stories leads me to believe her flashback with the balloon never really happened. Not sure, have to rewatch the film to confirm, but that aspect is mighty clever.

Anytime the Martian leader babbles his incomprehensible toddler speak, "Blaa-bah, daah, daah, daaaah," I get a hit of endorphins to the brain, pleasantly reminded that I'm watching my favorite John Carpenter movie, Ghost of Mars. "Blaa-bah, daah, daah, daaaah! Rawr-aaaaaah!"

Finally, the last scene with the chrome-plated guns tossed to each other "ready for war" style never fails to elicit the same reaction from me. "I want two more hours of this, I don't want it to end," and I'm comforted by the fact that others feel the same.

Your comrade in the foxhole,

Jimboduck.

Sometimes figuring out what makes a movie good is like reading the ingredients of a candy bar. If you read "nougat" on the wrapper of a candy bar, then you know you're getting NOUGAT! THE GRUDGE is like a candy bar. It is stylistically solid.

There were American-remakes of Ringu and Ringu2, the one that started the buzz over trans-Pacific horror. The first Ringu tasted like brittle seaweed. It broke into a million fragments like the T-1000 and there were seaweed shreds all over the place. Ringu2 didn't taste too bad, although it still left a strange, swampy aftertaste in my mouth.

THE GRUDGE is like a HEATH BAR -- with cat hair stuck in it. What would make me say such a thing? Well, if you look at the ingredients on the wrapper, THE GRUDGE was directed by Takashi Shimizu, the guy who did the original Japanese version. He threw in all those door creaks and angry black cats that tap you on the shoulder and say, "Hey, you're on the security camera!" You know how the saying goes, if it isn't broken, don't fix it. A Heath Bar works well as a Heath Bar.

On the inside of the Heath Bar is the brick and mortar that the director poured into it, and the milk-chocolate layer represents the Hollywood stars who give the package an enticing allure. I found it very pleasant to watch those actors and actresses. Hey, this movie isn't going to be a huge box office success, so let's have some fun with it. I'll pretend like I'm not who I am. "Yeah, we're famous actors, but we're also professionals who know when we make a good movie. We're going to come together and make this creepy Japanese horror thing work."

Watch it twice.

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With UNDERWORD: EVOLUTION in the rear-view mirror, I am hard pressed to say what it was about. A lot of bullets pierced a lot of things, ten minutes took place in medieval times, and Derek Jacobi made a speech on a boat. But that's all I can remember. At some point the memory of UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION gets tangled up with Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula. And somewhere Keanu Reeves has this big smile.

Selene and Michael Corbinus are the lone survivors from the first installment, I think. There were two warring clans of monsters in the first movie, but I think the war ended and they all went back to their day jobs. The two clandestine lovers are running from the law for who knows what reason, dodging bullets in one scene and trees in another. They eventually find a set of keys that have a thousand years history behind them. What do the keys open, and who's chasing them? My memory fails me here. Enter Marcus, flapping like an angry bat out of Coppola hell. He's doesn't like being woken up on a Monday. I don't blame him. Still, over the span of a thousand years he's learned to be quite a jerk, becoming what we modern day folk like to call a "homicidal maniac." You might remember him as the dessicated corpse opening his eyes at the end of the first Underworld.

Let's talk about the first installment. Here's my question. For those of you who liked the first Underworld from 2003, what was it you liked? Was it the sparkly clothes or was it the huge CGI rodents? Or maybe you got sucked into the blood feud and Alex Corbinus' delinquent family members. Whatever your answer may be, those elements aren't in the sequel. The sequel plays out more like an Indiana Jones installment, except you replace all the yellow sand with blue water.

So do you know the original story? Once upon a time, there was one brother bitten by bat, one by wolf, and a whole lot of actors from the Commonwealth started bickering amongst themselves. They were going to set up a welcome party for their friends, but it got derailed by a horde of disgruntled werewolves. A lot of monsters died, and a lot of blood mixing went on. But the human spirit prevailed (?)

We've seen where a sequel has matched the quality of the first and surpassed it. Terminator 2 no doubt made a greater impact than the first. The Matrix: Reloaded raised the bar in special effects production for movie makers out there. Aliens offered heavy machine guns to fight off a gruesome nightmare. These are all sequels that lived up to the legacy set by the predecessor, but what would I say about UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION? I'd say let's redo it with a better story. Then the audience could get wrapped up in the elaborate chase scenes and care about the outcome. Yes, a better, in your face plot -- and why not throw in Wesley Snipes for good measure.

JY

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