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Reviews
Rottweiler (2004)
They spent money on this?
When I first saw the promo for this movie, I thought "oh great, they're going to ruin the rottweilers rep" I needn't have worried. This is without a doubt the worst movie ever made and believe me I've seen some real stinkers on Sci Fi. I didn't think it could get any worse. I was horribly horribly wrong. This movie's storyline meandered all over, the gore wasn't gory, and I couldn't believe this guy had forgotten that he had managed to get his girlfriend killed until he reached the beach and dug her up. Was there a point to this movie? There are starving kids around the world and someone spent money on this? Did they have a 6 year old with a macabre imagination write the script for this thing? Don't waste your time AVOID AVOID AVOID
Snakehead Terror (2004)
Well...it's ahhh...something else
I watched Snakehead Terror mostly because I'm a big fan of Bruce Boxleitner.
Wow. Does he need money this badly? The premise wasn't bad. A small town's economy is ruined by nasty snakehead fish, their lake is poisoned to kill the nasty vermin, and the town is slow to recover. The film opens with a man and his dog finding a somewhat chewed up bear on the shores of the lake, the dog running into the lake to bark at snakehead fish and the guy going into the water to save his dog. Naturally both man and dog are eaten.
If I had found the dead bear, I would have run away.
Anyway, once you actually SEE the things and notice that the fish only crawl about 0.0005 miles per hour you wonder how come no one runs away, screaming into the night or even day? I mean I can understand the fish swimming quickly in the water, but on land? I could still outrun those things even if both my legs were missing and I had only the use of my left hand.
Bruce plays the sheriff of this under-economized town and his teenaged daughter's boyfriend is killed when he is eaten by the nasty fish and Bruce wants to immediately close the lake. Of course, no one listens and the lake remains open. Then he contacts the wildlife division and they send out Carol Alt who then determines the cause of the boy's death are snakeheads. Still, no one listens. Of course, what happens next is predictable, the news leaks out, and suddenly there are bounty hunters searching for the deadly snakeheads. And of course, teenagers who never listen, go on the lake seeking revenge for the death of their friend. Like a snakehead cares.
It turns out that the town's coroner has been giving his brother large quantities of growth hormone to help encourage the growth of the lake's natural fish but unfortunately all it did was make the snakeheads grow to enormous size and they HISS, SNARL, GROWL and I swear, they bark at you too.
These things are huge with appetites to match. The CGI was not very good but the gore was incredibly....well...gory. Bits and pieces of flesh flying about, blood spurting, limbs being ripped off, it was like watching me in the kitchen vainly trying to cut up a piece of meat for dinner.
Watching this movie made me decide on a couple of things (a) not to live on a lake (b) not to have teenagers, and (c) maybe give up sushi. It's an entertaining movie, better than most I've seen on the sci fi channel and believe it or not, more than 2 people actually survive. That was a relief. In a way.
Boa (2001)
Unbelievable!
I watched this movie a few nights ago for the first time. I was astounded at the low production values, the poorly written script, the extremely inept CGI, and the incredibly bad acting of the ensemble.
The plot is something like this: A New Alcatraz is built at the North Pole or the South Pole, in any case, where someone cannot easily escape. Retirement plans for the prison staff must be hell and what happens if you get fired? Anyway, back to the supposed storyline -- this new state of the art prison is supposed to house the worst of the worst (criminals and politicians, maybe an insurance agent or two, certainly the former execs from Enron). The construction crew hit a snag, i.e. some nitrogen filled chamber wherein lies a 100 ft snake that has managed to survive for 10 billion years without eating. I figure it must have swallowed a T-Rex and had been digesting it for a bit before it decided to come out and have a little nighttime snack. OSHA must have had a fit when they learned about the construction crew going against safety guidelines.
Obviously the writers know absolutely NOTHING about snakes because this one zips here there and everywhere faster than my dog eats McDonald french fries. Large snakes are quite slow, watch Animal Planet and you'll know what I mean. And how come this snake had FANGS IN THE FRONT OF HIS MOUTH? And why does he growl? And how can he rip people in two, toss the individual parts into the air and then catch it? I thought boas constricted their dinner and then swallowed it. At least that's what Animal Planet is leading me to believe.
Anyway, Dean Cain and his wife have quit their posts as teachers at a university and are digging around at an archealogical site in the middle of a desert. Maybe they were looking for more frozen snakes in the desert? They are having a huge fight about having children in their future - Dean wants them, the wife doesn't. In the midst of this loving relationship, the military comes out and hints around at something BIG (it's always BIG) and off they go, no questions asked. They end up at this prison wherein they find out about the SNAKE. And of course only two people have the secret code to get in or out of the prison. The Major who leads the military operation and the Warden. Guess who dies?
For some reason, the prisoners do not seem unduly concerned with being eaten by this HUGE snake. This is a snake that eats guards at an alarming rate. They must be extra tasty. The prisoners are pretty happy considering their predicament. And of course NO ONE listens to reason so everyone gets eaten.
Then Dean's wife gets taken by the snake and I was really hoping she'd be eaten but unfortunately she wasn't. He didn't appear upset, probably because she refused to have his baby, and was thinking of the new wife he'd get as soon as he left this place. Come to think of it, all of the actors appeared to be thinking of the new wife Dean Cain was going to get since his current wife was taken by the snake.
And why didn't the snake eat her? Too bitchy? Maybe it's because she wasn't wearing a uniform. I think the snake has something for people in uniforms.
Could someone explain to me why in every single Sci Fi channel movie only two people ever survive? Can't we have more than two -- like THREE or more?
Someone smarter than the lead characters and more likable? It'd be a change.
All in all, it's an interestingly bad movie to watch. Not as horrible as Raptor Island, this one just had lots of holes. Like when the snake ate the co-pilot in the plane as it was airborne and no one got sucked out of the open end of the plane except the only sympathetic character. And that woman still survived. Do you think she and Dean Cain's character had any babies? Do you think that maybe the snake impregnated her while she was gone and she's going to give birth to a whole new breed of giant guard-eating snakes?
And does this mean we won't get to send any more Enron execs to the New Alcatraz?
Raptor Island (2004)
Worst Movie EVER made!!!
I watched Raptor Island in anticipation of something a little along the lines of Jurassic Park. Not that I really expected it to be Jurassic Park -- that was a movie that was well planned, well written and well acted. This movie was a total abomination - a total waste of time and money. Lorenzo Lamas looked great as a kind of scruffy military officer and actually did a sympathetic acting job; unfortunately he led a bunch of so-called Navy Seals who EACH managed to get eaten by raptors. I grew up in a Navy family and let me assure you that Navy Seals do not go off on little tangents and behave like a bunch of spoiled scared little kids and as ineptly like these guys did. The Navy makes sure they are trained as a team and work as a team.
The first part of the movie (i.e. the first 5-7 minutes) was great. A Navy destroyer picks up a signal from the CIA that one of their agents has been made and a freighter in their vicinity is carrying illegal arms. The Seals board it, a firefight ensues, one of their team members is killed, 4 of the bad guys with CIA agent in tow, leave the freighter. The Seals rig the freighter to blow with illegal arms aboard and chase the bad guys to Raptor Island.
The special effects were terrible - the raptors managed to look like a copy of a copy of a copy of raptors. In other words, they really looked BAD!! The island looked fake, it actually looked like someone's back yard and they were all playing make believe. And oh dear God, the volcano. Was this someone's school science experiment gone bad?
The only blood I saw was either from the Seals or from the bad guys. The raptors (who were better actors than most of the human actors, especially the female lead) were shot up, was eaten by an even bigger dinosaur, and still hardly any blood or guts. If I had been in this movie, I'd have killed myself.
My advice -- AVOID this movie! Watching my cat sleep in the chair was more exciting.