whiteowl1

Dark Rising: Bring Your Battle Axe (2007)

i thought this movie was called "dead rising"? least appropriate title ever.

so last night a friend is over and we're at the point where we decide to watch a movie. we are perusing through Showtime On Demand and we stop at this charming little production because she recognizes her favorite wrestler of all time is in it. i had never heard of it. before the movie even started, based on the incredibly cheap looking title sequence, i thought i knew what we were in for. a movie you KNOW is going to be cheesy but maybe so bad its at least a little entertaining, so you give it a try.

oh boy, was i wrong.

the first and only time i laughed was when the little girl interrupts her bedtime story with "daddy, the female characters are coming off a little superficial". after that, i thought we would be getting ridiculous one liners and lots of red karo syrup but that never happened - or maybe it did, we had enough and shut it off about halfway in. i am really amazed we made it that far.

everything takes forever in this movie and most of the first half is all montages. people driving and enjoying a sunroof = five minute montage. mean-spirited clichéd lesbians making out = = ten minute montage (side note - every time they used their tongues it seemed the camera cut away... but they both get topless later, and of course the scene takes forever). the demon attacked us & wants to finish us off = 15 minutes of slow paced decision making. virtually every scene could have been cut in half and the point would still have gotten across. and the soundtrack is as bad as they come.

once the "demon" (pretty shoddily-made robotic thing) shows up with the now scantily clad, sword-wielding, demon slaying heroine, she kills it then leaves only to be later found doing some moonlit bathing in a creek. but it was too late for me to care.

it leads to a confusing jumbled mess with characters you do not care about. the acting is terrible and even though they were trying to make a campy typical horror-comedy, you will not be scared and you will not laugh, you will only end up getting really annoyed.