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Girls of the White Orchid (1983)
"...she's being shipped to Osaka."
Made-for-TV films are an interesting time capsule which we just don't have anymore due to streaming services and the death of traditional television. From as far back as the 60's through the early 90's, made-for-TV movies were a big deal - event viewings that people made sure they had couch time set aside for. Unlike today's television environment, if you missed it, you may never have the chance to see them again. Most made-for-TV films were shown twice on network television, and in the case of this film, only once. These needed to be interesting stories that had to rely on tight storytelling without leaning on sex, violence, and language that you could get away with in theaters and they had to be done on a budget of what I'd estimate was about a million bucks or so.
Some people have a certain stigma around films made for TV, as if they're inherently of a lower quality or went straight to TV because they weren't good enough for the big screen, which is isn't exactly true. These aren't like direct to video DVD releases. Big time directors like Steven Spielberg and Edward Zwick have worked on productions made for TV with Duel (1971) and Special Bulletin (1983). Made-for-TV films like The Night Stalker and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark were amazing horror films, the latter even being remade in 2010 backed by Guillermo Del Toro.
Death Ride to Osaka, originally released on TV as Girls of the White Orchid, originally aired in late November, 1983 and was produced by NBC's Hill/Mandelker Films, which produced 10 different NBC made-for-TV films between 1981-1984, many focusing on specific audiences and this one was clearly geared towards the female crowd. It was released on a Monday night opposing Monday Night Football, so if you weren't interested in Dan Marino shellacking the Bengals, this was your counter-programming that evening. It stars Jennifer Jason Leigh in her last made-for-TV role. I was surprised that she was in this, considering she had a big role in the amazing comedy Fast Times at Ridgemont High just a year before this released, but it was common back then to bounce between features and other made-for-TV films before making the jump to theatrical features. She had been in The Killing of Randy Webster (1981) and The First Time (1982) and continued to make some ABC After School Specials and telefilms throughout her career. Interestingly, the events of the film are based on the true story of Tom Allard's girlfriend. Allard was an actor with bit parts in some films and played Shung in the 1991 TV show Land of the Lost and shows up as a newspaper salesman here.
Jennifer Jason Leigh plays the ultra-naive Carol Heath, a waitress in Los Angeles who aspires to be a singer and answers a talent ad in the paper that advertised opportunities in the Orient. Unfortunately, when she gets there, she realizes that the gig at the White Orchid club isn't exactly what she thought it would be. Sure, she's singing - and the film features some songs actually sung by Jennifer Jason Leigh, but she's also expected to cozy up with the local Japanese men, many of whom are Yakuza, with the expectation of sharing more than just a sweet, sweet voice. When girls brought to the White Orchid don't play ball, they're sent to the lower end clubs in Osaka, where dreams...and girls...die, hence the alternate title of the film. Also in the mix is Don, Carol's boyfriend who's in the Navy. When he's discharged, he comes looking for her and finds some trouble for himself overseas.
The film is a pretty grounded look at the nature of prostitution trafficking in the early 80's. Watching this, it's easy to understand how young hopefuls would get caught up in this kind of scheme. It's scary to think that thousands of young girls probably answered ads just like the one in this film, only to find themselves stuck in a foreign land with no way out. There are a few other threads in the film - one featuring the other girls at the club - including a few that end tragically - and one featuring the Yakuza boss's son which didn't feel realistic, considering what he'd probably done up that point. The film stays on a pretty realistic course until the end, where it unfortunately steers into the realm of the preposterous and felt rushed - especially the climax, which features an elderly Yakuza boss using Kung fu with the speed of a man stuck in quick sand, and of course ending on a happy note for those slipping off to bed at 11pm on a work night. Looking at the limitations of films like this, there are short bursts of violence that are pretty tame and there was no foul language, which was par for the course on cable TV. I was, however, surprised that there was a bit of nudity in the film - at least four different scenes, including one featuring Jennifer Jason Leigh and one that kind of mirrors a naked, sleazy Flashdance style scene in an ugly Osaka bar that feels like it was filmed for a different film. For a made-for-TV film, I was not expecting naked women. Now, I was two when this film came out, so I can only imagine that the version shown on NBC did not show the nudity and that it was filmed in conjunction with either a European release or under the assumption that it would be on video store shelves within a few years.
Death Ride to Osaka is a decent enough film and an interesting cautionary tale that I'm sure was effective for couch surfers in 1983. As a stand alone experience now, it's tough to recommend to anyone outside of Jennifer Jason Leigh completionists, because she's the best thing about the film - she acts her ass off here and shows why she'd be the star that she was. While the film works as a decent melodrama, it's chock full of cheap tropes and packed with what I've heard referred to as 'yellow fear', and in an age where we've had enough fear mongering over what idiots have dubbed the "China Virus", this can be a tough pill to swallow. Still, for something that was probably expected to be seen only once, there is something to be said for the craft used to make the film. Jonathan Kaplan was an extremely competent director. The film is interestingly lit, well shot, and also features some great music.
This was released as part of Fun City Editions Primetime Panic set, alongside two other made-for-TV films Freedom (1981) and Dreams Don't Die (1982). The picture looks good although there's some noticeable grain. The disc contains some interviews, including one with the director Jonathan Kaplan, as well as a commentary by the incredibly informed film programmer Lars Nilsen.
Without Remorse (2021)
Without...Sense.
As reviewed on the Force Five Podcast:
Ex-Navy S. E. A. L. John Kelly finds himself incapacitated after an attack on his home that leaves his wife and unborn baby dead. The attack is connected to a previous mission that he and his squad took part in...or is it? Of course nothing is as it seems, because Tom Clancy's name is slapped on the front of the title.
I'm always excited to see Michael B. Jordan in something because he's awesome, and this was no different. He's the best part of the film, getting to flex his acting muscles and his real muscles, and goddamn they're glorious. Unfortunately, the action isn't memorable, the script is messy as heck, and the movie just isn't as clever as it thinks it is.
The action in the first half of the movie is fine. I'm a sucker for military raids and there's a cool plane crash sequence, but once the team gets to Russia, the big action set piece in an apartment building is just confusing. The grand plan is to get these guys into this apartment building so that they can die, leaving dead US soldiers on Russian soil to look like retaliation for the dead Russian soldiers on US soil. Okay, cool. The CIA, of course double crossing their own people, has three snipers in other buildings and a guy with C4 strapped onto his chest. Why did you need the guy with the bomb? Why not just have the snipers take out a few Navy S. E. A. L.s? And speaking of those snipers, why did the CIA send the three worst snipers to this job? Seriously, these guys couldn't hit water aiming from the deck of a floating boat. Collectively they probably take 40 shots and deal one hit to a stomach and one to a leg. The ensuing raid by the Russian S. W. A. T. team or military or whatever they are is a big old disaster too. There's no reasonable way John Kelly should have left that building and the way he got out wasn't at all interesting.
Oh, and the scene in which John Kelly ambushes a Russian diplomat, lights the car on fire with gasoline, and then gets into the car to get information, only to pop out and be arrested? Seriously? What if the Russian hadn't said anything? What kind of plan was that?
The movie thinks it's just the bees knees with the twists and turns, but it's not. It positions one of the C. I. A. Leads as a questionable presence on the team, expecting the audience to say, "Yep, he must be in on it!" but if you've seen any spy movie in the past 100 years, you know that it's immediately a misdirection. This sleight of hand is even more tipped when you cast Guy Pearce in a role that makes him appear trustworthy. It's Guy Pearce, OF COURSE HE'S THE BAD GUY.
The last sequence is unbelievably stupid. Kelly has survived and he's taking Pearce hostage, they're driving towards his family's ranch, so Pearce gives up the goods. What's Kelly's endgame? It's to record Pearce confessing to the stuff so that he can be free again and then to kill Pearce to make it look like a suicide, aided by his commanding officer in the S. E. A. L.s. Instead of just driving him to a wooded area and shooting him in the head to make it look like a self-inflicted wound, Kelly drives the SUV off of a bridge, splashing the car into the Potomac. The car sinks, and both men are presumed drowned until it's revealed that the commanding officer was just waiting down there in a diving outfit. I guess she then switches him into the driver's seat, and the media assumes that an SUV just crossed through traffic and launched through a guardrail to the water below is somehow a suicide? Then they go attend John's fake funeral? The latter half of this movie was straight up garbage.
The Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger. The 90's had some good Tom Clancy movies. What happened? This feels less like a tentpole film for Michael B. Jordan as Clancy's other non-Jack Ryan character and more like a vehicle that Scott Adkins should have been leading. The script is undeniably stupid and with action that isn't very memorable, it's really hard to recommend this film.
Last Gasp (1995)
Another dud from Vinegar Syndrome.
A real estate developer named Leslie Chase gets stuck in a difficult situation when a Totec Indian tribe gets mad that he's developing on their land. Instead of asking them to leave nicely, he murders them all with shotguns. Unfortunately, when he murders the chief, something happens and he becomes possessed with the same murderous rage with a penchant for slashing Achilles tendons and a taste for human flesh.
A while later, Nora Weeks's husband Julian goes missing near the development. She hires a private detective to figure out where he went, and they both run into Mr. Chase in the process.
You get to see Robert Patrick chew the screen and look directly into the camera multiple times, so that's a plus. Joanna Pacula is great as the female lead, she's definitely acting way harder than she needed to.
There's not really much in terms of gore, but there is quite a bit of nudity. It doesn't all make sense (take the couple that jaunts off into a cornfield to bang just feet from a perfectly good truck), but it's well done. There's a particular scene in which Robert Patrick bangs Mimi Craven, yes, Wes Craven's ex-wife, that's very well done. We never see Leslie Chase become a cannibal, but we sure as hell watch him eat Mimi (if you know what I'm sayin')!
There's one scene that's so wildly out of place that I almost fell out of my chair laughing. See, Nora is distraught that her husband, Julian has gone missing. So distraught, that we get to see a flashback of them banging. It switches to a very "Dawson's Creek"-esque music track during this scene in which we see way more of Julian that Nora. It felt like it belonged in another film entirely.
Robert Patrick needed a better agent in the 90's. After what could have been an absolute star-making turn as the T-1000 in Terminator 2, he was cast in the worst, bottom of the barrel films up until 1997's Copland, and yes, Last Gasp is one of those turds. He's great it in as a suave real estate developer who sometimes puts on face paint and kills people, but they try to paint him as sympathetic at one point and it just doesn't work. Look, we don't care that he doesn't want to go on these murder hunts to kill people, you know why? Because he helped murder an entire tribe of Indians.
There's also no explanation of any of the supernatural elements of the curse, but there are a lot of questions. Why does the soul jump from body to body? Why does Robert Patrick need to toss face paint and Indian gear on before he goes wild? And why are the police in that area absolutely worthless?
This feels like a TNT made-for-TV film, but with breasts. Lots of tight shots, dark cinematography, editing that doesn't exactly line up, stupid music, an ending "twist" that you'll see coming from a country mile, and characters that you won't really give a hoot about. I almost forgot everything that happened the minute I turned this film off.
This was another dud for me. I get that some people probably have an attachment to it from when they were younger, but it just felt like a disappointing film from all aspects. It's drab, lacks any kind of...bite, and aside from Robert Patrick and Joanna Pacula, no one is pulling their weight.
For more reviews of Vinegar Syndrome titles, check out the Force Five Podcast.
Death Promise (1977)
"Please stop those murderers, Charlie. Stop them cold."
New York City, the 70's. Corrupt landlords run the city, kicking out the poor and driving up prices in their buildings. Those who won't leave are forced out, either by turning the water and gas off, or by much rougher means. When Charlie's father is killed while defending his turf, he sets out on a quest to murder the landlords one by one...but who's really pulling the strings?
This is everything I want from a Vinegar Syndrome release. This is a C-level action film and everything is bottom of the barrel except for the fun factor. The acting is wooden and stiff. The dialogue is laughable. The fight scenes are slow and amateurish. A man tosses a dead guy from a rooftop (which is clearly a badly made dummy) but it still screams all the way down. There's a training montage. Terrible 70's clothing. I loved every second of Death Promise.
It tells the tale of a man on a revenge mission against those who killed his father. In what could have been inspiration for Kill Bill, Charlie works from a list, crossing the names out as he knocks them off in incredibly satisfying and unbelievable ways...like tying someone up and putting them behind a bow and arrow target with the hope that someone actually shoots an arrow at it before the guy just gets up and leaves. Before he has access to the list, of course he has to go train with a 'Big Master' in order to get his karate up to snuff. The training doesn't appear to actually do anything, but I'm a sucker for a good training montage.
Death Promise also has one of the coolest theme songs of all time. "That's a proooooomise!" It belts out over the opening credits as Charlie and his best friend/sparring partner Speedy run through 70's NYC decked out in velour jumpsuits. It's glorious.
All of those things that would be considered 'bad' in this film turn it from a serious, city-hopping actioneer into a straight up unintentional comedy. From technical snafus like boom mics bobbing in and out of frame to background extras staring straight into the camera, this film has it all. If you're a fan of the so-bad-it's-good genre, Death Promise has you covered in spades. This was Robert Warmflash's only film, so I guess he got it out of his system.
Most of the bad guys aren't really interesting, a bunch of old white men in suits, but there's one - "Mr. Big" - who pulls his weight. The film is also full of Asian stereotypes, which seems to be par for the course in late 70's films.
This film has one of the most gnarly deaths that I can remember seeing in a picture like this. It involves some hungry rats, and I'll be damned if it didn't make me get up out of my seat because I was so uncomfortable. I didn't see that coming.
As a social commentary, like many films from the 70's and 80's, the themes are still relevant today (even if the wardrobe isn't).
Death Promise is a blast. It's horribly executed schlock, but it's action packed and fun as heck. Get your velour jumpsuit, pop that collar, and prepare to have your ass kicked in the grungiest part of 1970's New York.
The Vinegar Syndrome disc looks great - the first time I saw this was on Amazon Prime and the print just looked like it had been put through the ringer, but they really cleaned this up. Unfortunately, the only extra is an interview with Jim Markovic, the editor of the film.
WandaVision (2021)
What is love?
As reviewed on the Force Five Podcast...
1. (The Stage)
Welcome to WandaVision! A TV show starring Wanda Maximoff and Vision set in Westview, New Jersey. Westview is an idyllic small town where everything is as it should be...except the time period...and the residents...and...wait, what's going on?
2. (The Good)
I think that what Kevin Feige has done while overseeing the last 10+ years of Marvel Films is nothing short of astounding. Taking the Marvel Cinematic Universe from Iron Man to Avengers: Endgame is a feat that I'm convinced will never be recreated (as much as other studios have tried). WandaVision is the start of the next big phase of the Marvel Universe and although it wasn't perfect, I think it's a good table setting for the next decade.
The concept of the show, especially with how it started, took massive balls. Disney is playing with house money and they're taking risks that a normal weekly show would probably never take. The first three episodes have almost nothing to do with the overarching plot. We spend the first hour and a half of WandaVision with lighthearted recreations of different eras of television. We get episodes reminiscent of Bewitched, Mary Tyler Moore, Growing Pains, and Malcolm in the Middle that have their own contained, familiar stories that, frankly, I found refreshing. They weren't even parodies of the period pieces, they just created episodes from those eras and I loved it. There were minuscule hints that something wasn't right, but the show didn't really open up until episode 4. It was then that the story really started to feel like it belonged in the Marvel Universe.
Wanda and Vision were never my favorite characters in the films and although they showed up in books I read as a kid, I am not familiar with their history or stories. I really loved them here. Elizabeth Olsen and Paul Bettany have loads of chemistry and they really got a chance to shine here. Kathryn Hahn, who has always been amazing, is pitch perfect here as Agatha Harkness, a powerful witch hoping to usurp Wanda's power while disguising herself as Wanda's nosey neighbor. There's no weak link in the cast, everyone is great. And "recasting" Quicksilver? That was nothing short of brilliant.
The show is an excellent examination of how Wanda is dealing with grief, examining her tug-of-war with freeing the residents of Westview from what must be a terrible existence and losing her family, or keeping up a cloak of normalcy with an idyllic town and a family life that doesn't actually exist. It also deals with Vision slowly discovering that Westview is Wanda's doing, and he might not be what he thinks he is. There's a lot of heart in the show and some great quotes about love and loss.
There's also an element of horror in a few short portions concerning Salem witches that I thought was surprisingly effective for a Marvel show.
3. (The Bad)
I have seen a lot of complaints about the show being boring, and this is one show that I think really benefits from being a week-to-week show. I also think that people expecting every episode to be a thirty-minute epic in the spirit of Endgame is going to be disappointed. It's not that kind of show.
I loved Kathryn Hahn as one of the main foils in the show, but I didn't find the character of Agatha Harkness particularly interesting, which continues to plague Marvel films. They're often the weakest links and I think that's the case again here. Her motivation was simply that she wanted to snag Wanda's power from her.
Although I was happy with how the show ended as a nine-episode series, I don't think that it stuck the landing in terms of getting me excited for what's coming next. We know that Wanda is going to be ultra-powerful and that she doesn't know what's she's getting into, but we don't know what that means for the rest of the world. There are still a lot of unanswered questions, including why fake Vision didn't tell Wanda about Vision II, where he went, and what's going on with Monica Rambeau. Speaking of which, if you haven't seen Ms. Marvel, the final scene of the show might confuse the heck out of you.
4. (The Ugly)
Shag carpet, wood paneling, and turtleneck sweaters, oh my!
This show was honestly beautiful looking, but the ugliest thing I saw was the CGI, specifically in the final episode. Vision fighting Vision didn't look great. It's still passable, but I'd be lying if it didn't make me nervous for the effects bonanza that Falcon & Winter Soldier promises to be with a smaller budget than this show.
5. (The End)
I had almost no interest in WandaVision going into the season, but I'll be damned if I wasn't eagerly awaiting each episode from week-to-week. If you go in with the right expectations and are prepared to have some fun, it's a great time. Elizabeth Olsen is so charming as the Scarlett Witch and Paul Bettany is amazing as usual. Disney's first Marvel show is a hit.
Boss Level (2020)
It's about to get...steel.
As reviewed on the Force Five Podcast...
A retired special forces operative named Roy is stuck re-living the same day over and over again, a day in which he's repeatedly killed for reasons he doesn't quite understand by a rogue's gallery of assassins, each with their own style of mayhem. One of these days, Roy finds out new information and decides that it's time to end the loop.
Wow, this movie is a lot of fun. I'm a sucker for a good 'Groundhog's Day' film. In fact, Palm Springs was my favorite film of 2020. And just like that movie, Boss Level drops us right into the life of a man who's lived the same day over and over again with a highly engaging (and funny) action scene right off the bat. Par for the course, as he learns more, we learn more, all presented with a video game aesthetic that I really enjoyed.
The cast is great. Frank Grillo plays Roy, a jaded man who's just tired of getting up early each morning to stop his own death. He's perfect for the role and is just in incredible shape. We don't get much of Naomi Watts or Hollywood's "Man of A Thousand Chances" Mel Gibson, but they're awesome as usual. Selina Lo, who plays Guon Yin, is really great as the only assassin that really gets a decent amount of screen time.
The action is really cool and the violence is unrelenting (we get to see Roy literally lose his head many times). I had so much fun with the small flashbacks to other attempts that have led to Roy's death in creative ways, including being run over by a truck, flying through a bus, and getting shot in the balls. It uses the formula in very interesting ways as Roy retains the information that he had the previous day. While the action is the main focus here, the film had a surprising amount of heart as well.
I really enjoyed this film, but I have two bits of criticism. First, the film gives us all of these really cool assassins that feel like they were plucked straight out of Smokin' Aces, but we really don't see much of them aside from Guon Yin. Some are on screen for less than a minute, but they seemed like a really fun bunch and I'd have liked to have seen more of them.
The other criticism I have about the movie is how it ends. It's very ambiguous, and I have a feeling that the screenwriters just didn't know how to end it. I'm not against ambiguous endings, but I don't think there was really a reason to leave this one up to the imagination. It's not an Inception kind of movie. A small gripe, to be sure.
Imagine dying in every way imaginable and feeling it every time. Swords through the gut, rocket launchers, having your head detached from your body, being stabbed in the face, having C4 stuck to you before it explodes, and falling three stories to your doom. That's what Roy has dealt with every day for the better part of a year.
Speaking of ugly, was that Gronk?
I had a great time with Boss Level. This is one that I'll definitely watch again and will probably add to the Blu-ray collection. It doesn't really add anything new to the old formula of "person relives the same day over and over again", but it is a ton of fun, has a great cast, and is infused with way more feeling that actually lands than most action movies are.
Fuller House (2016)
Tanner family spouses have bad luck.
Ah, TGIF. As a 9 year old kid, it was my Friday night, and my reason for staying up until 8:30pm (sure, the block ran until 9pm, but who the hell watched Just The Ten of Us?). The lineup? Full House, Family Matters, and Perfect Strangers. It was wholesome, had a lesson in each episode, and as a youngster, I thought it was genuinely funny. Sure, it's corny and perhaps unrealistic now, but it was fun. My wife also liked watching it, so when we heard that Full House was the latest TV show to get a reboot, we were pretty much sold on name alone.
The plot for Fuller House is actually pretty similar to the original Full House. DJ is now DJ Fuller (get it? Fuller...House?). Her husband, a firefighter, died in the line of duty. Because of this, DJ and her three kids moved back into her dad's house for a spell while trying to deal with the loss and attempting to get back on her feet. We pick up about a year later - Danny is selling the house to move to Los Angeles with Becky and Jesse to host a national news show. Joey lives in Vegas. Michelle moved to New York to run a fashion empire. Stephanie is a traveling DJ. As everyone gets ready to leave, DJ realizes she's overwhelmed. Stephanie and Kimmy Gibbler (and Kimmy's daughter) stick around to try and help DJ by raising the four kids (ah, get it again? Fuller House? There's one more person than last time?). It's nearly and identical setup to the original. Throughout the season, we see Stephanie's struggles with money, Kimmy's struggles with her ex-husband, and DJ's struggles with getting back into the dating scene.
This show NAILS the feeling of Full House. Some shows disappear and return with tones that just can't match the original run, like Arrested Development, but Fuller House picks up right where it left off. Danny and Joey got bigger and have more wrinkles. Jesse and Becky look just as they did in the 90's, and their chemistry is still on point. Even Kimmy is the same. Stephanie got a massive boob job in the 20 years since the show aired, and finds every opportunity to show them off (hey, she paid for them, right? Fuller Blouse?). The new kids blend right into the show, although the middle child is a bit extravagant compared to the rest. Kimmy's ex-husband is a bit of an eye-roller. We get a few old cast members dropping by - Steve of course, and also the bit player Harry, and guest spots from Hunter Pence and the gloriously awkward Macy Gray. Seriously, Macy Gray's guest appearance is so bad it's puzzling. The only character who doesn't make an appearance from the main cast is Michelle, which they poke fun at by breaking the fourth wall a few times.
The content? It's cheesy. It's the same story lines we got on the original run - don't come here looking for Breaking Bad level writing. Honestly though, if you liked the original, you'll probably find something to like here. They leave the house more than the original cast did - we get scenes at a pet clinic, a full episode at a nightclub, and others, which is refreshing. It's so weird seeing Full House with iPhones. I think the only thing weird to me about the content were the sex jokes. I'm no prude - if you know me, this is obvious - but hearing Stephanie make a masturbation joke at the Tanner dinner table is off putting. There's even a whole scene that's staged like a cheap porno knockoff, although I did find that was pretty funny. It was never to the point where I was disgusted or wanted to turn it off, it was just...weird. There are also some genuinely touching moments, one which actually brought a tear to my eye. The opening credits helps to bridge the gap between the old show and the new one, and the song is updated by Carly Rae Jepson.
Critics are bashing this show, but I have to ask - what were they actually expecting? This is FULL HOUSE. The tone, the characters, it's amazing how well they hit the nostalgia button while adding things to make it feel fresh and new. If you liked the original and get that warm feeling when you catch parts of it when you catch it in syndication, you're going to find something to like in Fuller House.
Final Score: B+
San Andreas (2015)
From the director of Cats & Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
A movie with faults.
There are varying degrees of disaster movies. They range from the utterly awful (2012, Dante's Peak) to the pretty entertaining (The Poseiden Adventure, Towering Inferno). When I plan to see one, my expectations are pretty tepid - I know it's not going to be high art, but I hope it'll be entertaining enough. I think San Andreas falls somewhere right in the middle.
The story is simple enough. The titular fault line that runs from San Francisco to Los Angeles activates, causing the biggest earthquake in recorded history. A rescue pilot named Ray (played by Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson) goes on a hunt to rescue his wife and daughter.
It's hard not to root for The Rock - not only is he the biggest action star on the planet, but he's a genuinely awesome person. His charisma is clear on screen, but it's a bit hard to take him seriously as a helicopter pilot. He's also apparently the worst rescue worker ever, because he takes his helicopter and flies 300 miles north to rescue one person instead of trying to help thousands of the city of L.A.'s trapped citizens. The rest of the cast is easily interchangeable - Carla Gugino plays his wife and Alexandria Daddario (Woody Harrelson's muse on True Detective) plays his daughter. The cast does pretty well with what they have to work with. The problem is, they don't have much.
This script is abysmal. It's terribly predictable in the sense that whatever you see or hear on screen WILL come up again. Ioan Gruffudd is cast as Daniel, a villain (as if Mother Earth wasn't big enough) - his sole purpose in this film is to anger the audience. I think it would have been much more interesting if he was a genuinely good guy, having to help The Rock with the woman they both love. Paul Giamatti stars as "time filler scientist" in a story line that, if taken out, wouldn't have made a bit of difference. He's simply there to fill screen time and spew exposition on why earthquakes happen. Newsflash, we understand why earthquakes happen. Some kid stars as "comedic relief character", as you'd expect, along with his brother, who stars as "contrived love story guy", because we simply have to appeal to everyone. There were two other rescue workers introduced at the beginning that never appeared again, which was unfortunate, because I think they could have added to the story.
That being said, we don't watch disaster movies for the story, do we? We watch them for the destruction, and that's where San Andreas thrives. Most of the CGI is fantastic - buildings crumbling, bridges collapsing, cruise ships capsizing - they all look amazing. There was only one scene, the opening scene of an SUV tumbling down a cliff, that looked awful. The rest was really good. AT&T Park folding in on itself was particularly satisfying. Being from this area, it is interesting to see a fictional version of your city being destroyed - a thought that's always in the back of the minds of Californians who have dealt with earthquakes before.
If you're looking for high art, you won't find it here, but you can do much worse than spending a lazy afternoon with The Rock, but you can do a lot better. Go see Mad Max: Fury Road instead.
Final Score: C-
Ex Machina (2014)
"You're not a man. You're a god."
"You're not a man. You're a god."
Ex Machina completely flew under my radar. I knew of it, but didn't know anything about it aside from that it was in the science fiction genre and had to do with A.I. A good friend asked if I wanted to check it out this weekend, so I went in sight unseen.
Here's the setup - a young programmer at a fictional Facebook/Google company named Caleb (played by the excellent Domhnall Gleeson) is randomly chosen to hang out at his CEO's estate for a week. The CEO, Nathan (played by Oscar Issac) invites Caleb to test out his new artificial intelligence project, Ava, blending the lines between what is real and what isn't.
This is Alex Garland's directorial debut - previously, he had written some Danny Boyle movies (28 Days Later, Sunshine) and Dredd, but this is his first behind the camera. Unsurprisingly, he also wrote Ex Machina. I think it's his most polished story to date, although it's not without it's holes. The movie is very striking visually - you can tell that he had a limited budget to work with, and although most of it went towards Ava's construction (which looks wonderful), the compound at which the entire story takes place looks amazing.
There are three main actors in the film. Issac is terrific as a creator with a God complex. Gleeson, who I first fell in love with from his work in the British series Black Mirror, is great as the inquisitive programmer. Finally, Alicia Vikander plays Ava, our A.I. experiment. The whole movie rests on realizing whether or not she 'feels', and the way she plays the character definitely keeps the audience guessing. Every movement and facial expression she makes as Ava is believable and unsettling.
This is a very interesting take on the A.I. world that we're fast approaching. As I was watching it, I couldn't help but realize that what's going on in Ex Machina is probably being worked on as I type this in some remote Google lab. Not only is it probable, it's inevitable. That realism definitely sucked me in for the journey and begged discussion even once the film was over. The movie did drag in parts, but the ending was fantastic and definitely unexpected. This is a slow burn, "Hitchcockian" even, so don't go in expecting a techno-horror movie or any action. There aren't many laughs here aside from some sharp bits of dialogue and a hilarious dance scene that comes out of nowhere but fits within the context of the movie once it's over.
Overall, I liked it. It wasn't perfect - namely a blackout premise that any billionaire would have fixed, a catalyst for the story - but it kept my attention and the end made it worth it. I don't think you need to run out to the theater to see it, but it's worth a watch at some point.
Final Score: B+
Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)
Umbrellas have never looked this cool.
Umbrellas have never been so badass.
When I first saw the trailer for Kingsman: The Secret Service, it seemed like a bit of an eye-roller. It looked like a forgettable action comedy with stupid one-liners and standardized action built for people who like movies like Real Steel or Agent Cody Banks. I was wrong. More movies need to be like Kingsman: The Secret Service, and there are three reasons why.
Reason number one: It's rated R. This movie could have easily been chopped up and delivered with a PG-13 rating, good for all ages, sans balls (I'm talking about you, Expendables 3). It wasn't. The action here is fantastic, full of glorious head trauma, exit wounds, and broken bones. One scene in particular - set in a church - is one of the coolest scenes you'll see all year.
Reason number two: It's an original property. Yes, I know it's based on a comic book called 'The Secret Service', but it basically just borrows loose plot points from it. I wish more studios would take chances on unknown entities instead of churning out sequels, remakes and superhero flicks. That being said, I bet this gets a sequel...hopefully still helmed by Matthew Vaughn. When someone else takes over something that he made, we get crap like Kick-Ass 2.
Reason number three: It was fun. It took itself just seriously enough that it didn't border on parody, like the last two Pierce Brosnan Bond movies that nearly killed the series (The World is Not Enough and Die Another Day). There were serious, heartfelt moments mixed in with a ton of levity. It paid a ton of homage to classic spy movies while being a blast to watch. Rarely do I leave movies saying to myself, "I need to own that", but this one fit that bill.
The year is young, but I'm pretty confident that when 2015 is over, there will be no bigger cinematic surprise than Kingsman: The Secret Service. It's not perfect - it drags a bit at points and Samuel L. Jackson's lisp is eternally grating, but every actor aside from him is fantastic (including Colin Firth, which I never thought I'd say), the action is amazing, and the gadgets are fun. If you're into action or spy movies, Kingsman is a must see.
My final grade - A-
Everly (2014)
Smokin' Aces + Kill Bill + Dredd = Everly
Smokin' Aces + Kill Bill + Dredd = Everly
I found out about Everly late last year because of Fantastic Fest, and I've been pretty excited about it. It's about a woman faces down assassins sent by her ex, a mob boss, while holed up in her apartment - which sounded pretty similar to two movies I loved in 2012 (Dredd and The Raid: Redemption), and the pictures I saw during post made it look like a lot of fun.
Selma Hayek plays the titular Everly, a Mexican prostitute. At 48, she looks great, and I haven't seen her kick ass like this since Desperado. She's the sole focus here, but some of the side characters are pretty interesting. My favorite was a character named Sadist, an old Japanese speaking psycho with some tricks in his bag. It's directed by Joe Lynch, a pretty small time filmmaker best known for directing Wrong Turn 2.
Everly isn't going to win any awards for it's story. It's as one dimensional at best, and still manages to make little sense at times. It often falls into action movie tropes like bad guys hesitating to talk before pulling the trigger (of course leading to their demise), something that disappointed me seeing that Lynch was brought up on a steady diet of B-movies. Everly does bring one thing to the table though, and that is a hell of a lot of fun. There's no skimping on the blood here, people are shot, sliced, and blown up in all it's gory glory. There's a particular shot using an elevator that is amazingly awesome. It really tapped into what I love about action movies at points.
The scope of the movie is as small as the budget, and although the story is pretty "been-there-done-that", if you're looking for some fun action that's not taking itself seriously, you really can't go wrong with Everly.
My final score: B+
The Doberman Gang (1972)
Trained to commit the most incredible crime ever conceived!
"The doggonist gang that the world had ever seen..."
At dinner one night, my father-in-law saw a Doberman on TV and asked if I had ever seen the movie where Dobermans rob a bank. I hadn't...but knew from that description alone that I had to track it down.
It was released in 1972, directed by Byron Chudnow. Chudnow only directed four movies in his career...The Doberman Gang, The Daring Dobermans, The Amazing Dobermans, and Alex and the Doberman Gang. Pretty safe to say that this guy had an unhealthy obsession with these dogs. It stars TV journeyman actor Byron Mabe, Hal Reed and Julie Parrish, none of whom you've ever heard of.
The story revolves around an ex-con named Eddie and his desire to rob a bank without the element of 'human error' once a bank job goes wrong. To do this, he and a dog trainer snag a pack of Dobermans and train them to rob a bank using whistles. Sound crazy? It is. It really is.
The premise of this movie sounds a bit better than it actually is. What we actually get is about 10 minutes of set up, an hour of dog training, and a ten minute heist. A bunch of character decisions make no sense, none more than the fact that Eddie is about the least careful criminal one could be. He pulls a waitress that he's known for one night into the job because...well...sex, and when the dog trainer threatens to bolt, he basically lets him. He flat out deserves to get caught. At least the 70's music is 'groovy', featuring a song about the dogs that just classic(ly bad).
I cannot recommend seeing The Doberman Gang. The only thing redeeming about this thing is the music and watching a bulldog try to run the doberman course.
My final grade: D
Inherent Vice (2014)
Under the paving stones, the beach!
"Eggs break, chocolate melts."
I've been a Paul Thomas Anderson fan for a very long time, and I stand behind my opinion that he is one of the most talented directors in Hollywood. His films always have amazing production value and fantastic casts. I've seen everything he's directed (with the exception of his short, Cigarettes & Coffee, which has proved to be pretty difficult to find), and although I don't like all of his movies (Magnolia, in particular), movies like Boogie Nights and Punch Drunk Love remain some of my favorite films of all time.
Inherent Vice follows the story of a pothead P.I. named Doc Sportello, who traverses 1970's Los Angeles while searching for an old flame. It's an adaptation of the Thomas Pynchon novel of the same name, the first Pynchon novel to make it to the big screen. The recently revived Joaquin Phoenix plays Portello, and he's joined by an amazing cast - Josh Brolin, Owen Wilson, Benecio Del Toro, Katherine Waterson and Reese Witherspoon all show up at various points.
In my opinion, Inherent Vice suffers from the same problem Anderson's last film, The Master, ran into - the parts are greater than the sum. Phoenix, who was also in The Master, clearly carries this film. His performance as Doc Sportello is hilarious as he dons costumes and trades barbs with Josh Brolin's 'Bigfoot', the other acting highlight here. Brolin steals the show in every scene he's in, eating food and kicking down doors. Unfortunately, the story our characters are wrapped up in is a bit convoluted and very, very long. In fact, I wasn't real interested in the story at all, and when it was all wrapped up, the only thing I really cared about was the performances by the actors...the same feeling I had when the credits rolled on The Master. Also, like all Anderson films, Inherent Vice is long - clocking in at two and a half hours.
There are some very funny lines in Inherent Vice, and the 70's atmosphere is presented fantastically, but it just didn't stick with me like I hoped it would. Maybe it deserves a second viewing sometime.
My final score: C+
The Drop (2014)
"Are you doing something desperate? Something we can't clean up this time?"
You had me at "Tom Hardy and a puppy."
The Drop stars Tom Hardy as Bob Saginowski, a bartender at a corner bar that also serves as a drop location for mob money. James Gandolfini plays Marv (who runs the bar) and Noomi Rapace is here as Bob's main squeeze.
The story isn't a complicated one, but the characters stay busy and have clear motivation. To be honest, there isn't much to the story at all, but this movie will keep your interest because of one thing - Tom Hardy.
Tom Hardy is an on screen chameleon. He's fantastic here as Bob, a vulnerable 'down-and-almost-outer' just trying to scrape by. Things change for the creepy when he finds a baby pitbull in a trash can one night on his way home from work. It's hard to believe this guy was Charlie Bronson in the fantastic Bronson (2008). Heck, while Bob stands toe to toe with a local trouble maker at one point during the film, I couldn't help but think "this guy broke Batman's back as Bane...surely he can beat the hell out of this schmuck!". It was fun watching Hardy here with his thick Brooklyn accent - he clearly stole the show.
James Gandolfini holds his own as an old, washed up gangster in his final role - the same magnetism he always had on screen - but I think that the other main key to this flick is the terrifying Eric Deeds, played by Matthias Schoenaerts. While watching, it's hard to not think about what you would do if confronted by the reality of a guy like Deeds stalking your every move. His performance is simply chilling. Noomi Rapace is adequate as Nadia. I found her role in the movie to be pretty organic and unforced, but I do think she is the weakest thing about the story.
Overall, I thought that The Drop was a very good crime story. The plot is nothing that you haven't seen before, but the cast does a fantastic job and the ending is really freaking cool.
My final grade: B+
American Sniper (2014)
Bullets and Fake Babies...
I'll start this review out by saying that I know people have strong feelings about Chris Kyle - some think that he was an infallible hero who gave his life for this country, and others say that he was a liar, a racist, and a serial killer. I don't care, and have no judgment about Chris Kyle - I didn't know him personally, and can only judge what I saw on screen. This is, after all, a movie review.
American Sniper tells the story of Chris Kyle, the 'Devil of Ramadi'. He was a Navy S.E.A.L. who has 160 confirmed kills with a documented 255 probable kills. He's the most lethal sniper in United States history in his four tours overseas.
The movie is directed by Clint Eastwood, who has made an amazing looking film. Bradley Cooper plays Kyle, and is the highlight of the film. His portrayal of a tortured man at work and home is captured perfectly. Cooper looks amazing in the movie - clearly he bulked up for the role. Sienna Miller plays his wife.
Aside from the piles of insurgents, the main villain in the flick is an opposing sniper named Mustafa. Their cat & mouse game brought memories of Enemy at the Gates, and was thrilling. The war scenes looked realistic and brutal, but the scenes of Kyle back at home left something to be desired - specifically one scene that I'll touch on in a moment. The ending is also very clunky.
The scene. The scene that I'll forever remember from this movie. It's not a scene where someone gets a limb blown off, or a soldier making a kill at ridiculous range...no...it's not a scene with great emotion or acting gravitas...no...it's a scene of Bradley Cooper holding a baby. Specifically, a baby that's faker than those plastic TV's that litter the inside of model homes, or a ring that you might get from a quarter machine. Could Clint Eastwood not get an actual baby? The baby he's holding is so ridiculously fake that it took my wife and I right out of the movie. Normally she doesn't notice things like props, but she picked this one right out of the lineup.
Aside from the prop baby, the movie was pretty good. It had some pacing issues, and like I said, the ending is a bit clumsy, but it's a good movie. A good movie I'll probably never want to see again.
Interstellar (2014)
Mankind was born on Earth. It was never meant to die here.
Space. Time. Gravity. Love?
This first part will be spoiler free. I'll leave a break for the spoilers, because if you haven't seen this yet, I really recommend you do.
Interstellar is set in the near future...Earth is running out of food, and as a planet, we've got to figure out what to do next. I'm not a sci-fi fan. I'm not really into the fantastical, space, time travel stuff. I like my movies a bit more grounded. However, I'm a huge fan of Christopher Nolan and I've become a huge fan of Matthew McConaughey, so I knew I would be seeing Interstellar.
I'm glad I did.
Interstellar is not without it's problems - I'll get into that in the spoiler section - but one of the problems I felt it did NOT have was inaccuracies in space travel. One pet peeve of mine is when someone goes to see a movie like Interstellar and treats it as a documentary. Yes, there are wild jumps in logic and imagination here, but that's true of all great movies. Terminator, for example. Smartest thing Skynet could have done to prevent John Connor from existing? NOT SEND THE TERMINATOR. If they didn't send the Terminator, Kyle Reese wouldn't have been sent to protect Sarah Connor, they wouldn't have gotten busy in an old Motel 6, and John never would have existed...but without that small gap in logic, we would have missed out on one of the great movies of 1984.
This movie will, as the kids say, make you 'feel some kind of way'. When it ended, I sat there with my friend in awe of what we had just seen. It presents some ideas in a way I've never seen on screen, and I thought they were fantastic. This movie is an ode to adventure, a throwback to older blockbuster movies about traversing new terrain. Hans Zimmer's score is fantastic, and every actor here holds their weight. If you haven't seen it yet, get to the theater before it's too late. We saw it in a 'Lie-MAX' theater, so the screen wasn't official IMAX size, but it was good enough. If you watch this at home, you're robbing yourself of at least some of the experience. Space travel has never looked so good.
MY FINAL GRADE: B+
SPOILERS. If you haven't seen the movie, don't read past this. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Some things I loved about this movie. The banter from the robots. Matt F******G DAMON showing up halfway through as a space-crazed maniac, hell bent on human (or possibly just his own) survival. The way EVERYTHING looked. It looked so damn good. The girl who played a young Murphy was fantastic. Everyone was great. The scene where McConaughey gets back from a botched mission and sits down to see his kids grow up in front of his eyes on a screen was just heart wrenching. The only person that I didn't love in this movie (acting-wise) was Anne Hathaway.
Some things I didn't like about this movie. Hathaway has a speech about love that does two things very wrong - one, it's written horribly and delivered so awkwardly that you could tell she wasn't 100% into what her character was saying. Two, it completely discredits her as a scientist. It may have been one of the worst monologues I've ever heard. The sound mixing was a bit off. Certain bits of dialogue were very hard to hear, namely what Professor Brand says with his last words. The setup felt rushed. One minute, McConaughey is in the secret NASA building, and seemingly an hour later, he's packing up to leave for a long time. Build that up a bit. Let him work it over in his mind, build up some drama. Finally, the ending was very off, namely McConaughey walking into a hospital room to see his daughter (who is now older than him) and no one else in the room acknowledging him like he's Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense. He then proceeds to have what looks like a 10 minute conversation with his daughter (whom he hasn't seen in close to 100 years) and then bounces. That's it???
Overall, this movie had it's issues, but those are small nitpicks. I really liked this movie, and the experience was amazing seeing it on the (semi) big screen.
Super (2010)
Super...until Juno shows up.
Super was born from the mind of James Gunn, who's highly regarded for his work on Slither. I'd seen Slither when it first came out on video, but I can't remember any of it. I haven't seen any of Gunn's other work, but his writing has never been top notch (the Scooby Doo movies, some Troma stuff & The Specials kind of round it out)...needless to say, I went in giving Gunn a pretty clean slate. His cast consists of Rainn Wilson (who will always be Dwight to me), Juno, and Kevin Bacon. Wilson does a great job and Bacon steals the show, successfully chewing every bit of scene that he's in, but Ellen Page is godawful in this movie. She's like the little kid running around in the supermarket that you think about whacking in the face when his parent has her back turned, then pretending that he ran into your shopping cart. She's constantly laughing and shrieking, and generally just acts like a six year old who's had too much rock candy.
The plot is fairly simple...guy's ex-junkie wife gets turned back to drugs, and in response, he creates an alter-ego to lash out at his world. The tone is pretty depressing and many of the scenes are downright insane (seeing a vision in his barf, which is circling the toilet bowl). The level of gore in this movie is amazing, which was alright with me (an unabashed fan of over the top violence), but the woman had to close her eyes quite a few times - this flick is not for the squeamish. Heads and limbs get blown off and blood squirts.
I liked this movie, but I didn't love this movie. For my money, Kick-Ass (while heavily debated on the internet) was superior. This movie does a lot of things right - doesn't shy away from violence, Kevin Bacon as a villain (can we have more of that?), and a few good "What?" moments keep it afloat...but it also does a lot of things wrong - it's dark and depressing, Ellen Page's acting, and a weak script keep it from being a great superhero movie.
This Means War (2012)
This Means Bore
My bias...
Loves: Action movies. Likes: Tom Hardy Dislikes: Most romantic comedies Hates: Reese Witherspoon
I went into this movie with low expectations. First off, it's got Reese Witherspoon, who I can't stand. She's annoying, smarmy and unattractive. Second, it's directed by McG, who for my tastes, misses in theaters (the Charlie's Angels series, Terminator Salvation). That being said, I know McG has the potential to entertain me, having produced one of my favorite TV shows of all time, the guilty pleasure known as Fastlane. My expectations were checked at the door.
Chris Pine and Tom Hardy play off of each other quite well. Tom Hardy I bought as a CIA agent, in terms of attitude and build. Pine, not as much. Reese Witherspoon is just kind of...there...as the love interest. The story is fairly cookie-cutter like one may expect going in...two CIA agents accidentally kill a bad guy. That bad guy's brother lives, and plots revenge. In the meantime, the two CIA agents start dating the same girl, causing friction in their relationship. The story is nothing new, but is adequate.
They are marketing this movie as an action/romantic comedy. The action in the movie is done very poorly - mostly quick cuts and off screen bullet wounds (for examples of how action scenes should be shot, see Haywire). The action set pieces are few and short. There are a few laughs, although the severely over the top character Chelsea Handler plays gets old quick. The ending of the movie is quite ridiculous, and makes little sense...sadly, I saw what was going to happen about a mile away, so if you see a lot of movies, you can see where the movie is heading.
I don't regret seeing this movie, but I probably won't watch it again. The action isn't gratifying enough and the comedy isn't funny enough. You will forget about this movie within 24 hours of seeing it.
Score: 5/10
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)
Surprise of the Planet of the Apes
My bias...
Loves: Exceeded expectations Likes: James Franco Dislikes: CGI Hates: Planet of the Apes by Tim Burton
I'll preface my review by saying that I have not seen any of the older Apes movies, but have seen the Tim Burton movie (which I cannot remember a thing from, but I do remember that I hated it). That being said, I missed this in theaters because I had no attachments to the Apes franchise and the first trailer released looked awful.
I wish that I had caught this on the big screen. I loved every minute of this movie. The story was strong enough that I was able to ignore the (at times) poor CGI and got attached to Caesar as a non-human protagonist. The only problem I had with this film was the fact that, during the start of the film,around 8 years supposedly passes and no one ages or becomes any different in their motivations, personality, or hairstyles.
The human acting is serviceable and the action, while used sparingly, is done well. The setup of the final battle scene is excellent.
All in all, I loved this movie. It didn't do much with the humans, but I was instantly attached to Caesar. I welcome our new primate overlords with open arms.
Score: 9/10
Merantau (2009)
Indonesia's Ong Bak
My context...
Loves: Well done fight scenes. Likes: Foreign martial arts movies. Dislikes: Poor sound editing. Hates: Having to wait for The Raid.
Because of my growing daily interest in the new Gareth Evans flick 'The Raid', I decided to check out the (as far as I can tell) recently added Merantau on Netflix. The basic premise is that a young martial artist named Yuda (who reminded me of a young Tony Jaa) heads out on his Merantau, a coming of age journey that a young man takes. Along the way, he runs into a human trafficking gang and things start spiraling out of control in a way that lets Yuda beat the tar out of local gangs like he was running through River City Ransom.
The plot is very cookie cutter, but no one is watching this movie for the story - we want to see Iko Uwais kick in teeth, which he does in spades. I didn't feel that the action was as...impactful as say, The Protector...it didn't feel like the punches and kicks were really cracking skulls some of the time (a fault of the sound more than the actual action), but it was still fun to watch regardless. There are some great set pieces - a rooftop chase/fight and a shipyard that really stood out. Mads Koudal plays a truly evil villain, reminiscent in looks and mannerisms of Gary Oldman's Stansfield in the movie Leon. Of course, in this city, anyone who is bad instantly knows martial arts, but isn't very good at it, and there are tons of useful weapons (pipes, crowbars, etc.) laying around the streets just waiting for a good thumping.
This was a good warm-up for The Raid, out in March in select US theaters, but if you loved movies like Tom Yung Goong and Ong Bak, you've seen most of this stuff already.
My rating: 6 on IMDb.
Cyberbully (2011)
When you're not getting your face punched in, you're getting punched in the Facebook!
This movie is the story of Haley Joel Osment (you may remember him as the mentally handicapped kid from The Sixth Sense) playing a high school girl who's fast and loose in the sack...or is she? Rumors swirl online that suggest she's, as they would say in Africa, 'poison'. Lots of Canadian melodrama ensues, and lots of stuff happens that would never happen in a real American high school.
This movie does not have your typical bullies (think Roger Klotz from Doug), but rather touches upon the dangers of gossip and having a bad online reputation, like that girl from Norway with the horrible voice that we've all seen on YouTube. In real life, this is no joke, and the message here is loud and clear.
As an adult, there is no way that this movie will entertain you. I popped the cork on a merlot and hardly laughed once. However, it does have a good message for kids, so if you're under the age of 12 and are looking for a howling good time, get your popcorn popped and log onto Facebook!