mikerichards
Joined Mar 2001
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mikerichards's rating
Pretty much everyone knows the story of Beowulf - man fights monster, monster's mum and then a dragon - but this ancient story has inspired generations of writers and academics, now it gets a shiny makeover courtesy of Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary.
Beowulf (the man) could have been written as a cookie-cutter hero, but fortunately he's something else - fallible and not yet the hero he must become later in the movie. But (and this is really hard without spoiling the movie), the battle that turns him into a hero also leads inexorably to his undoing. That's something the two writers have brought to the millennia old text and it works perfectly to help fill in some of the gaps in the original poem and provide a back story to events.
A special mention also to Crispin Glover's Grendel. I wasn't particularly struck with the physical realisation of the monster, but the performance is knock out. Instead of just being a rampaging beast, Grendel is almost something to be pitied - a misshapen outcast with noisy neighbours, and his final scene is remarkably touching. Oh and if you don't understand Grendel, you clearly haven't been keeping up with your Old English classes!
But let's be honest, everyone watches a movie about Vikings for the action. And Beowulf delivers this in spades. Here comes my first proviso - Beowulf in the UK is getting a 12A rating, but there is no way I would take a 12 year old to see this film in all its eye-ball spearing, spine-snapping, ligament-tearing glory. This movie would get a higher rating had it been shot in real-life and it's worth considering this before packing the kids into the car. Mostly the violence is justified, but it is there and it's NOT cartoony.
The animation is the talking point of this movie, and its a real step on from the zombified performance of 'Polar Express'. The impression of living, breathing flesh is almost complete with the exception of strangely dead eyes - this movie is a landmark in computer imagery. The majority of the characters are stunningly rendered (Beowulf in particular) in close up, but they somehow look less convincing at a distance. Generally the men are better done than the women, with Queen Wealthow the spitting image of Julie Andrew's queen in Shrek 2.
So, its a violent special effects triumph - could anything be wrong?
Actually yes.
Two things. One - the accents. Oh dear god in heaven above what were they thinking - this is a treasure house of appalling voices, Irish(ish), Scottish(ish), Welsh(ish) are all thrown into the mix, but the standout horrors are Jon Malkovich's take on Danish which might have been inspired by the Muppets and Angelina Jolie dusting off her accent from 'Alexander'.
The second is the 3D projection. For reasons best known to studio executives we're all meant to get very excited by 3D all over again. Beowulf is one of the first movies to be released in the UK using REALD - a system familiar to anyone who has been to a Disney park in the last 20 years. The animators of Beowulf clearly had great fun working out new ways of making things jump out of the screen at the audience, but the effect becomes slightly wearisome after a minute or two. Fortunately things settle down later in the movie and the makers stop trying to show off their new technology.
More disappointing, the poor quality of the Polaroid glasses you have to wear make the image slightly blurry and spoilt by reflections. After years waiting for the crystal clarity of digital projection, the whole thing has been undone by a gimmick. If you have a choice, you might be better off seeing a regular 2D version.
A final comment, Beowulf spends part of the movie naked, bet you can't watch it and not think of Austin Powers.
Beowulf (the man) could have been written as a cookie-cutter hero, but fortunately he's something else - fallible and not yet the hero he must become later in the movie. But (and this is really hard without spoiling the movie), the battle that turns him into a hero also leads inexorably to his undoing. That's something the two writers have brought to the millennia old text and it works perfectly to help fill in some of the gaps in the original poem and provide a back story to events.
A special mention also to Crispin Glover's Grendel. I wasn't particularly struck with the physical realisation of the monster, but the performance is knock out. Instead of just being a rampaging beast, Grendel is almost something to be pitied - a misshapen outcast with noisy neighbours, and his final scene is remarkably touching. Oh and if you don't understand Grendel, you clearly haven't been keeping up with your Old English classes!
But let's be honest, everyone watches a movie about Vikings for the action. And Beowulf delivers this in spades. Here comes my first proviso - Beowulf in the UK is getting a 12A rating, but there is no way I would take a 12 year old to see this film in all its eye-ball spearing, spine-snapping, ligament-tearing glory. This movie would get a higher rating had it been shot in real-life and it's worth considering this before packing the kids into the car. Mostly the violence is justified, but it is there and it's NOT cartoony.
The animation is the talking point of this movie, and its a real step on from the zombified performance of 'Polar Express'. The impression of living, breathing flesh is almost complete with the exception of strangely dead eyes - this movie is a landmark in computer imagery. The majority of the characters are stunningly rendered (Beowulf in particular) in close up, but they somehow look less convincing at a distance. Generally the men are better done than the women, with Queen Wealthow the spitting image of Julie Andrew's queen in Shrek 2.
So, its a violent special effects triumph - could anything be wrong?
Actually yes.
Two things. One - the accents. Oh dear god in heaven above what were they thinking - this is a treasure house of appalling voices, Irish(ish), Scottish(ish), Welsh(ish) are all thrown into the mix, but the standout horrors are Jon Malkovich's take on Danish which might have been inspired by the Muppets and Angelina Jolie dusting off her accent from 'Alexander'.
The second is the 3D projection. For reasons best known to studio executives we're all meant to get very excited by 3D all over again. Beowulf is one of the first movies to be released in the UK using REALD - a system familiar to anyone who has been to a Disney park in the last 20 years. The animators of Beowulf clearly had great fun working out new ways of making things jump out of the screen at the audience, but the effect becomes slightly wearisome after a minute or two. Fortunately things settle down later in the movie and the makers stop trying to show off their new technology.
More disappointing, the poor quality of the Polaroid glasses you have to wear make the image slightly blurry and spoilt by reflections. After years waiting for the crystal clarity of digital projection, the whole thing has been undone by a gimmick. If you have a choice, you might be better off seeing a regular 2D version.
A final comment, Beowulf spends part of the movie naked, bet you can't watch it and not think of Austin Powers.
Well Hello!
So you're interested in SHADO. Well I don't blame you, where else can you wear fabulous new synthetic materials, kill aliens and spend the night partying like its the 1970s?
You said that the swinging youth of the 1960s wouldn't be seen dead in the army. There was no way that you would be so square as to cut your hair, replace the tie-die flares with fatigues and cut back on the medallions.
And we listened.
Yes we've created a whole new paramilitary organisation just for the swinging generation. Why not sit back as I introduce SHADO - the coolest bunch of cats outside of the Stones. If you'll excuse me while I change into my beige jumpsuit and matching sideburn accessories... ...now let's hit the road in my SHADOmobile - notice its swooping lines, fins and gull-wing doors that make it a complete pain to park when doing the shopping at Sainsburys'. SHADOmobiles come in all sorts of fabulous colours not found in nature, including metallic brown, surgical appliance pink, ozone-eating green and a shade of yellow that just screams 'fashion'.
Neat!
Welcome to the way-out SHADO headquarters. I have privileged access thanks to my identity chest medallion. A movie studio? So you noticed our cunning disguise! Believe it or not the whole SHADO operation is run out of the basement next to the props cabinet. That room over there? Well that belongs to Commander Straker - a man well accustomed to the peroxide bottle and not too masculine to refuse a little eye shadow.
If you join us I'm sure he'll have you over for a chat, a drink or two and perhaps something else entirely. A medical? Of course there's a medical, SHADO operatives have to be at the peak of physical perfection, you just never know when you'll have to dance 'til dawn.
Let me just make one point clear. SHADO is an equal opportunities employer. We're always looking for top totty to slip into something suitably clinging.
Yes girls, SHADO needs you!
As a new recruit you will start off delivering coffee to our male leads, after you have mastered that task in regulation 9 inch heels you'll be ready to move on to moving pieces of paper from one side of the room to the other all the time looking absolutely fabulous.
At SHADO the sky is quite literally the limit for liberated women! If you master coffee delivery and paper sorting you could be shortlisted for our Moonbase which keeps a look out for intergalactic UFOs intent on spoiling the party.
Don't frown, you won't look nearly as pretty. You're probably thinking that lunar gravity will play havoc with your totally groovy haircut and you'll have to put the miniskirt in the closet. But you're forgetting - this is SHADO, where fashion comes first.
Not only will you be safe from solar flares, laser guns and alien abduction in our super-slinky silver jumpsuits, knee-high boots and metallic purple wigs but you'll be irresistible to those walking adverts for Blue Stratos - the SHADO interceptor pilots. When you're ready to cut a rug the whole ensemble converts to a silver miniskirt in moments! And remember, we don't care if you want to burn your bra - in fact it'll be an advantage.
Still not convinced about Moonbase? Well here are two words to make up your mind.
Inflatable furniture.
Seriously. It's shot like a porn movie, the stories are sometimes dreadful, acting is robotic and even the effects aren't always great. But for a slice of nostalgia back to a period when someone cut the brakecables on good taste and when restraint and decency went through the rails, down the cliffside and exploded at the bottom - UFO is completely unmissable. And Gabrielle Drake is quite stunningly beautiful, why she never became a bigger star is beyond me.
Go on, its Austin Powers versus the Martians.
So you're interested in SHADO. Well I don't blame you, where else can you wear fabulous new synthetic materials, kill aliens and spend the night partying like its the 1970s?
You said that the swinging youth of the 1960s wouldn't be seen dead in the army. There was no way that you would be so square as to cut your hair, replace the tie-die flares with fatigues and cut back on the medallions.
And we listened.
Yes we've created a whole new paramilitary organisation just for the swinging generation. Why not sit back as I introduce SHADO - the coolest bunch of cats outside of the Stones. If you'll excuse me while I change into my beige jumpsuit and matching sideburn accessories... ...now let's hit the road in my SHADOmobile - notice its swooping lines, fins and gull-wing doors that make it a complete pain to park when doing the shopping at Sainsburys'. SHADOmobiles come in all sorts of fabulous colours not found in nature, including metallic brown, surgical appliance pink, ozone-eating green and a shade of yellow that just screams 'fashion'.
Neat!
Welcome to the way-out SHADO headquarters. I have privileged access thanks to my identity chest medallion. A movie studio? So you noticed our cunning disguise! Believe it or not the whole SHADO operation is run out of the basement next to the props cabinet. That room over there? Well that belongs to Commander Straker - a man well accustomed to the peroxide bottle and not too masculine to refuse a little eye shadow.
If you join us I'm sure he'll have you over for a chat, a drink or two and perhaps something else entirely. A medical? Of course there's a medical, SHADO operatives have to be at the peak of physical perfection, you just never know when you'll have to dance 'til dawn.
Let me just make one point clear. SHADO is an equal opportunities employer. We're always looking for top totty to slip into something suitably clinging.
Yes girls, SHADO needs you!
As a new recruit you will start off delivering coffee to our male leads, after you have mastered that task in regulation 9 inch heels you'll be ready to move on to moving pieces of paper from one side of the room to the other all the time looking absolutely fabulous.
At SHADO the sky is quite literally the limit for liberated women! If you master coffee delivery and paper sorting you could be shortlisted for our Moonbase which keeps a look out for intergalactic UFOs intent on spoiling the party.
Don't frown, you won't look nearly as pretty. You're probably thinking that lunar gravity will play havoc with your totally groovy haircut and you'll have to put the miniskirt in the closet. But you're forgetting - this is SHADO, where fashion comes first.
Not only will you be safe from solar flares, laser guns and alien abduction in our super-slinky silver jumpsuits, knee-high boots and metallic purple wigs but you'll be irresistible to those walking adverts for Blue Stratos - the SHADO interceptor pilots. When you're ready to cut a rug the whole ensemble converts to a silver miniskirt in moments! And remember, we don't care if you want to burn your bra - in fact it'll be an advantage.
Still not convinced about Moonbase? Well here are two words to make up your mind.
Inflatable furniture.
Seriously. It's shot like a porn movie, the stories are sometimes dreadful, acting is robotic and even the effects aren't always great. But for a slice of nostalgia back to a period when someone cut the brakecables on good taste and when restraint and decency went through the rails, down the cliffside and exploded at the bottom - UFO is completely unmissable. And Gabrielle Drake is quite stunningly beautiful, why she never became a bigger star is beyond me.
Go on, its Austin Powers versus the Martians.
The rather unwanted sequel to the sequel of Terminator has limped to the big screen - and whilst its not as bad as it could have been, its certainly not great. Twelve years is a long time to wait for a sequel and T3 feels like T2 warmed over for a kiddie-friendly rating.
Ahnult now looks like he's been inflated with a bicycle pump and freshly dipped in wood-stain - he appears to have been freshly varnished and provides a slightly less realistic central performance than the Cuprinol Man. Once again we have to endure his trademarked sense of 'humour', which is about as funny as being forced to sit through 'Patch Adams' at gun-point. Unlike most people moving from a German-speaking country to America, Ahnult's command of English appears to be getting worse. Not for the first time, I wish the film makers would subtitle him - no, I actually wish they'd cast Ahnult in a silent movie, but I can't expect too much.
The actors playing John Connor and his wife-to-be are so instantly forgettable that their names won't be bothering major casting directors in the future, (but do expect them to turn up in your local video store 'starring in' movies involving post-apocalyptic kickboxing cyborgs travelling through time).
Not to mention which that our best hopes for mankind are so damned brattish that you can't help but root for the machines. On the upside, the new Terminator is very cute and her inflatable breasts are well and truly aimed directly at the teenage male demographic. I have to say that she is perhaps the most attractive way to die since Ellen Barkin did/didn't do it all those years ago in 'Sea of Love', but hasn't someone done the shape-changing unstoppable, liquid metal robot before?
The plot - well there might be one, but don't study it too hard - its like one of those 3D illusions that were all the fashion a decade ago - some people claim to see things of wonder, the rest of us just get a headache working out what all the fuss is about. The movie threatens to become interesting only in the last few minutes, but by then you're probably more worried about deep vein thrombosis setting in than the potential end of the World.
Oh and can I have a word about the first Terminator machines? Their brutish menace is ever so slightly undermined if you've ever seen 'Short Circuit' - 'Number 5 is ALIVE!'
In short - if its a choice between this and 'Hulk' - see 'Hulk'; if its a choice between this and sitting out in the evening sun - slap on some sunblock, after all you won't have long to wait before Blockbuster have plenty of copies of T3 on the shelves.
Best wishes,
Mike.
Ahnult now looks like he's been inflated with a bicycle pump and freshly dipped in wood-stain - he appears to have been freshly varnished and provides a slightly less realistic central performance than the Cuprinol Man. Once again we have to endure his trademarked sense of 'humour', which is about as funny as being forced to sit through 'Patch Adams' at gun-point. Unlike most people moving from a German-speaking country to America, Ahnult's command of English appears to be getting worse. Not for the first time, I wish the film makers would subtitle him - no, I actually wish they'd cast Ahnult in a silent movie, but I can't expect too much.
The actors playing John Connor and his wife-to-be are so instantly forgettable that their names won't be bothering major casting directors in the future, (but do expect them to turn up in your local video store 'starring in' movies involving post-apocalyptic kickboxing cyborgs travelling through time).
Not to mention which that our best hopes for mankind are so damned brattish that you can't help but root for the machines. On the upside, the new Terminator is very cute and her inflatable breasts are well and truly aimed directly at the teenage male demographic. I have to say that she is perhaps the most attractive way to die since Ellen Barkin did/didn't do it all those years ago in 'Sea of Love', but hasn't someone done the shape-changing unstoppable, liquid metal robot before?
The plot - well there might be one, but don't study it too hard - its like one of those 3D illusions that were all the fashion a decade ago - some people claim to see things of wonder, the rest of us just get a headache working out what all the fuss is about. The movie threatens to become interesting only in the last few minutes, but by then you're probably more worried about deep vein thrombosis setting in than the potential end of the World.
Oh and can I have a word about the first Terminator machines? Their brutish menace is ever so slightly undermined if you've ever seen 'Short Circuit' - 'Number 5 is ALIVE!'
In short - if its a choice between this and 'Hulk' - see 'Hulk'; if its a choice between this and sitting out in the evening sun - slap on some sunblock, after all you won't have long to wait before Blockbuster have plenty of copies of T3 on the shelves.
Best wishes,
Mike.