Hot in Cleveland (TV Series)

Extras (2013)

Valerie Bertinelli: Melanie Moretti

Quotes 

• Victoria Chase : You fake porned him?

  Melanie Moretti : I fake porned him.

  Joy Scroggs : Why?

  Melanie Moretti : I-I panicked. Emmet said men like enthusiasm, so I went a little overboard. I mean, I was like someone reviewing their own business on Yelp.

  Victoria Chase : You set the sex bar way too high.

  Melanie Moretti : I know! And now he's going to expect fake porn Melanie every time; I'm going to be so busy putting on a show that I won't be able to relax and enjoy it.

  Joy Scroggs : And you can't go back; it's like tipping. Once you go thirty percent you can't go back to twenty. You have to fake your own death and find a new manicurist.

• Melanie Moretti : How do I look?

  Elka Ostrovsky : You're giving off a Joy vibe.

  Melanie Moretti : Oh no, I don't want to look that slutty.

• Melanie Moretti : Anyway, I want to look a little slutty. Tonight's the big night with Alec. And it has to be perfect. *I* have to be perfect. So I spent all day getting prepped, and tweezed, and waxed. My whole body's as smooth as a porpoise.

  [Emmet has entered] 

  Melanie Moretti : Oh, hi. Emmet. I didn't know you were here.

  Emmet : No need for embarrassment. Go on, you were saying: you're as smooth as a porpoise.

  Melanie Moretti : Men like that, right?

  Emmet : Well, it all depends. Sometimes you like the tightly mown lawn of an English country garden, and sometimes you like the steamy jungle of the Amazon rain forest.

  Melanie Moretti : Oh no! What if Alec's an Amazon guy, and I destroyed the rain forest?

  Emmet : Men are not nearly as judgmental as you think. We care more about response, and enthusiasm. If you like the show, let us know.

  Elka Ostrovsky : Especially if you want an encore.

• [last lines] 

  Joy Scroggs : Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?

  Mamie-Sue Johnson : Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.

  Joy Scroggs : Wilbur, darling, say 'Nana'. Na-na.

  Baby Wilbur : Nana.

  Joy Scroggs : Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.

  Mamie-Sue Johnson : Well, actually his first word wa...

  Elka Ostrovsky : Zip it.

  Victoria Chase : I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.

  Joy Scroggs : Wilbur, say it again. Say 'Nana'.

  Baby Wilbur : TV.

  Melanie Moretti : Did he just say 'TV'?

  Elka Ostrovsky : I heard 'Nana'.

  Baby Wilbur : TV.

  Elka Ostrovsky : That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.

  Joy Scroggs : Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.

  Baby Wilbur : Crap!

  Elka Ostrovsky : That is us watching our language.

  Joy Scroggs : That's it; you two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.

  Baby Wilbur : Bitch!

  Elka Ostrovsky : I got nothing.

• Melanie Moretti : I'm just a nice, ordinary girl who wants a nice, ordinary orgasm.

• Alec : [in their office]  You faked it with me? Both times? Lock the door!

  Melanie Moretti : Wait! Here, now?

  Alec : Well, we can't go to my place; the workmen are still repairing the hole you kicked in the wall.