Eulogy (2004)

Ray Romano: Skip Collins

Photos 

Quotes 

• Fred Collins : [about to set his grandfather's casket on fire]  Dad! Lighter!

  Skip Collins : Be careful, guys. I love this lighter.

• Skip Collins : You don't throw a lemon at me in front of a lesbian!

• Skip Collins : Don't worry. Don't worry about Alice, she? you think she's gone, she comes back. You know, like herpes.

  Judy : Thanks, Skip.

• Aunt Lily : Where did they even hear the term 'Erotic Cheesecake'?

  Skip Collins : Hey, somebody's gotta teach them these things, right?

  Aunt Lily : What things? That you can make a cheesecake look like disembodied breasts?

  Skip Collins : ...Or an ass...

• [last lines] 

  Skip Collins : [at wedding]  It's not a dirty joke. It's not a dirty joke! Just let people...

  Alice Collins : [trying to grab the microphone] 

  Skip Collins : These two gym teachers walk into a hardware store...

  Alice Collins : [finally gets the microphone away from him] 

• Skip Collins : Hey, Elvis killed himself because someone was gonna write a book about his underwear wrestling.

• Skip Collins : [Lucy and Alice are rolling on the floor, fighting. Skip is watching with interest]  Okay okay, that's almost enough!

• Daniel Collins : Hey, did we have a blackout last night?

  Kate Collins : That's what I heard.

  Skip Collins : Yeah, we sure did. I couldn't even find my room.

  [Lucy smacks him with a newspaper] 

  Skip Collins : What?

  Lucy Collins : You found my room all right.

  Skip Collins : It was dark.

  Lucy Collins : So you hid in my closet? With your *kids*?

  Skip Collins : [shouts]  We were lost!

• Lucy Collins : [Lucy and Judy enter the house] 

  [to Judy] 

  Lucy Collins : You remember Skip?

  Judy : Yeah.

  Lucy Collins : And the boys Tim and Jim, right?

  Skip Collins : Yeah, close enough.

  Judy : Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner.

  Fred Collins : [Together with Ted]  Lesbians.

  Ted Collins : [Together with Fred]  Lesbians.

• Skip Collins : Pop loved poetry.

  Kate Collins : He did.

  Skip Collins : Yeah. All the ones about Nantucket.

  Skip Collins : I think his favorite was about a little handicapped girl. There once was a girl who was crippled, by the weight of her overgrown nipple.

• Skip Collins : Dearest Judge...

  Judge : Excuse me?

  Skip Collins : My client...

  [whispering] 

  Skip Collins : name?

  Lace : Oh, um, Lace.

  Skip Collins : Miss Lace, was engaged in a consensual servicing of an entrapable member...

  Judge : Are you an attorney?

  Skip Collins : [smiles]  Touche, your highness.

• Skip Collins : This is why your mother left us.

  Ted Collins : She was a hack.

  Fred Collins : I've seen better moms on TV.

• Skip Collins : Guys, c'mon.We've got this funeral

  Ted Collins : Grandpa's not going anywhere

  Skip Collins : Get in the car!

• Skip Collins : That's try not to be the biggest freaks in the circus.

  Ted Collins : What the hell is that supposed to mean?

  Fred Collins : He wants us to say 'No thank you' instead of 'Eat my ass Jello'.

• Daniel Collins : Go talk to your mother.

  Skip Collins : You talk to her, alright? She's a downer.

  Daniel Collins : She's a widow.

  Skip Collins : She was a downer first.

• Skip Collins : When I die I want to be cremated, and ashes mixed with the ink that the government uses to print money. Yeah. Then I'll be everywhere.

• Skip Collins : My pop never told me. He never told me... How much he...

  Fred Collins : Stop.

  Skip Collins : What?

  Ted Collins : You were going to say the L word.

  Skip Collins : I just...

  Ted Collins : Dad, we know how you feel. Don't cheapen it with words.