- Andrew Martin: May one, sir? Is now a good time?
- 'Ma'am' Martin: What? A good time for what?
- Andrew Martin: Last night, Sir taught...
- Sir: No, no, no, don't blame me Andrew. Just... go ahead.
- Andrew Martin: Thank you sir
- Andrew Martin: [Very fast] Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?" How do you make a hanky dance? Put a little boogie in it! What is a brunette between two blondes? A translator! Do you know why blind people don't like to sky-dive? It scares their dogs! A man with demensia is driving on the freeway. His wife calls him on the mobile phone and says "Sweetheart, I heard there's someone driving the wrong way on the freeway." He says "One? There's hundreds!" What's silent and smells like worms? Bird farts. It must have been an engineer who designed the human body. Who else would put a waste processing plant next to a recreation area? A woman goes into a doctor's office, and the doctor says "Do you mind if I numb your breasts?" "Not at all." *makes 'motor-boating' noise. "Num-num-num-num."
- Andrew Martin: [Family chuckles] One did it sir!
- Sir: Andrew, it was fine, but we might want to talk about appropriatness and um, and timing.
- Andrew Martin: It's ten-fifteen sir.
- [Family laughs hysterically]
- President Marjorie Bota: Andrew Martin
- Andrew Martin: I've always tried to make sense of things. There must be some reason I am as I am. As you can see, Madame Chairman, I am no longer immortal.
- President Marjorie Bota: You have arranged to die?
- Andrew Martin: In a sense I have. I am growing old, my body is deteriorating, and like all of you, will eventually cease to function. As a robot, I could have lived forever. But I tell you all today, I would rather die a man, than live for all eternity a machine.
- President Marjorie Bota: Why do you want this?
- Andrew Martin: To be acknowledged for who and what I am, no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval, but, the simple truth of that recognition. This has been the elemental drive of my existence, and it must be achieved, if I am to live or die with dignity.
- President Marjorie Bota: Mister Martin, what you are asking for is extremely complex and controversial. It will not be an easy decision. I must ask for your patience while I take the necessary time to make a determination of this extremely delicate matter.
- Andrew Martin: And I await your decision, Madame Chairman, thank-you for your patience.
- [turns to Portia and whispers]
- Andrew Martin: I tried.
- Rupert Burns: What do they say?
- Andrew Martin: That you can lose yourself. Everything. All boundaries. All time. That two bodies can become so mixed up, that you don't know who's who or what's what. And just when the sweet confusion is so intense you think you're gonna die... you kind of do. Leaving you alone in your separate body, but the one you love is still there. That's a miracle. You can go to heaven and come back alive. You can go back anytime you want with the one you love.
- Rupert Burns: And you want to experience that?
- Andrew Martin: Oh, yes, please.
- Rupert Burns: So do I.
- Andrew Martin: [Immediately following the death of "Little Miss"] Will every human being that I care for just... leave?
- Portia: I'm afraid so...
- Andrew Martin: That won't do.
- World Congress Moderator: Ladies and Gentlemen: Ms. Marjorie Bota, President of the World Congress.
- President Marjorie Bota: According to the records at the NorthAm Robotics Company, the robot also known as Andrew Martin, was powered up at 5:15 pm on April 3rd, 2005. In a few hours, he'll be 200 years old, which means that with the exception of Methuselah and other biblical figures, Andrew is the oldest living human in recorded history. For it is by this proclamation, I validate his marriage to Portia Charney, and acknowledge his humanity.
- [after young Lloyd pours sand on Andrew]
- Andrew Martin: One understands why some animals eat their young.
- Andrew Martin: One has studied your history. Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea, freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.
- Andrew Martin: I try to make sense of things. Which is why, I guess, I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
- Portia: What's right for most people in most situations isn't right for everyone in every situation! Real morality lies in following one's own heart.
- [Andrew has transfused blood into his system]
- Rupert Burns: Galatea, my dear, where are we?
- Galatea: The transfusion is almost complete.
- Rupert Burns: Is that so?
- [to Andrew]
- Rupert Burns: Just goes to show you, Andrew - somebody becomes a human being, sooner or later, they do something monumentally stupid.
- Andrew Martin: You've been a great example, Rupert. How quickly will the blood degrade my system?
- Rupert Burns: Oh, I don't know. You exercise, eat right, I'd say 30, 40 years.
- Andrew Martin: That's a little vague, chief. You don't know exactly how long I'll last?
- Rupert Burns: Sorry.
- [puts his hand on Andrew's shoulder]
- Rupert Burns: Welcome to the human condition.
- Andrew Martin: What a piece of fecal matter.
- Rupert Burns: Shit.
- Andrew Martin: Excuse me?
- Rupert Burns: What a piece of shit.
- Andrew Martin: I know that.
- Rupert Burns: No, that's what you say when you're frustrated. You say, "piece of shit."
- Andrew Martin: "Piece of shit"?
- Rupert Burns: Yes, but with feeling.
- Andrew Martin: Oh. What a piece of shit.
- Rupert Burns: More.
- Andrew Martin: What a piece of shit!
- [Teaching Andrew to tell jokes]
- Sir: Why did the chicken cross the road?
- Andrew Martin: One does not know, sir, possibly a predator was behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other side of the road, if it's a male chicken. Possibly a food source, or depending on the season it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
- Sir: To get to the other side.
- Andrew Martin: To get to the other side. Ah, why is that funny?
- [after Sir explains about sex]
- Andrew Martin: It all sounds so very... messy.
- Sir: That's... a fair point
- Andrew Martin: [after learning the fate of most sperm]
- Andrew Martin: They die? One feels badly for them.
- Little Miss: I have a friend who is very special to me. He's sweet and exceptionally intelligent, but, well - he's not really a - I mean, a relationship between us would be impossible. It would never, could never, work out.
- Andrew Martin: [stomach growls] What was that?
- Portia: That's your stomach growling. You're hungry.
- [flatulence]
- Andrew Martin: Was that me?
- Portia: Yes.
- Andrew Martin: I thought it was you.
- Portia: No, it wasn't me.
- Andrew Martin: Really? Ooh. Do you do that?
- Portia: Sometimes... but quieter than that.
- Andrew Martin: I'll have to have Rupert make me a muffler.
- Portia: [after Andrews has died, as a man] Can you do me a favor... would you mind unplugging me? That's an order.
- Andrew Martin: Sir, is everything all right?
- Sir: Umm. They've both gone now, Andrew. Well, things change, things always change. People move on. It's as it should be. But, what I realized today is that I'll never stop missing them.
- Andrew Martin: Sir? One is still here.
- Sir: And one is glad of that Andrew. Thank you.
- Andrew Martin: Do you know what it feels like to be in love with someone that is about to marry someone else?
- 'Miss' Grace Martin - Age 9: Oh, Aaaandreeeew! Could you come up?
- Andrew Martin: [at the first floor, walks to her] Yes, miss?
- 'Miss' Grace Martin - Age 9: Andrew, would you please open the window?
- Andrew Martin: One is glad to be of service.
- [He opens the window]
- Andrew Martin: [turns back to Grace] A lovely breeze!
- 'Miss' Grace Martin - Age 9: [with an arrogant gaze] Now jump.
- Andrew Martin: [jumps, jumps, jumps, jumps]
- 'Miss' Grace Martin - Age 9: No! Out the window!
- Andrew Martin: [thus jumps out of the window]
- Sir: [yet playing chess with his wife] Did you hear something?
- 'Ma'am' Martin: An earthquake?
- [Galatea is forcefully throwing large suitcases of equipment onto a stack]
- Rupert Burns: Galatea, could you be a little more careful? That's very delicate equipment.
- Galatea: [sarcastically] Sorry.
- [Galatea picks up another large suitcase and drops it]
- Rupert Burns: [shocked] What are you doing?
- Galatea: [annoyed] Near as I can tell, your bitch work!
- Rupert Burns: My what?
- Galatea: [very annoyed] Oh you heard me! And I'm sick of it! All day long it's, "Yes Rupert, sir! No Rupert, sir! Would you like another beverage Rupert sir?" And it chaps my ass! So here's a helpful hint for you: SHUT UP AND LET ME DO MY WORK!
- [Galatea menacingly points at Rupert with both robotic index fingers and knocks over the remaining suitcases as Rupert frantically searches his pockets for Galatea's personality chip which Andrew had secretly removed]
- Galatea: [casually] I'm done.
- Portia: I like you. I even understand you some of the time. But I'm not about to invest my emotions in a machine.
- Sir Martin: You're a unique robot, Andrew. I feel a responsibility to help you become - whatever you're able to be.
- Galatea: [singing loudly] If I only had a heart! Picture me a balcony...
- [goes offscreen]
- Andrew Martin: [irritated, but not showing it] Do you have an impact drill?
- Rupert Burns: Yeah. Over on a rack.
- Andrew Martin: Thank you.
- [goes offscreen and starts the drill as Galatea screams]
- Portia: But if this really works between us? You and I will never be accepted. We can't be married or anything.
- Andrew Martin: [having become outwardly human] I am the proud owner of a central nervous system!
- Portia: You can feel.
- Andrew Martin: Would you assist me in an experiment, just for the sake of science?
- Portia: What?
- [Andrew kisses Portia]
- Andrew Martin: It's everything they say it is.
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