- Lisa: Just 'cause I have a family, it doesn't mean I'm tied down... unless it's my birthday! I still rock 'n roll all night and party every... so often!
- Lisa: Do you know hom long it took me to get ready tonight? TWO HOURS! Used to be I'd slap on some lip-smacker, five minutes I'm out the door. Now I've got to start with an undercoat of foundation, then primer, then sealant; and every half hour I'm in the bathroom to respackle!
- Dee Dee Lucas: So I guess we found out that there's no relationship here.
- Lyndon Knox: You know, we never had a chance. We rushed into the whole thing.
- Dee Dee: Well, that's true! We only had sex once; we weren't ready for a date!
- Lyndon: Maybe we ought to sleep together for a couple of weeks and if things seem to be working and we're ready, we can take in a movie.
- Dee Dee: No pressure?
- Lyndon: I want this to work out. I can wait!
- [on the telephone]
- Lisa: Yes, I'd like to order some flowers for my husband. Yeah, how much is the big "Please Forgive Me" bouquet?... Okay, how 'bout the small "Please Get Over It" bouquet?
- Lisa: I don't know, Kevin. This could throw the whole universe out of whack. Today, Kevin Hunter finishes a project; tomorrow, we're all slaves to a race of genius apes!
- Olivia: Jerome, I can't remember when I've had such a good time. It makes me wish we'd gotten together back in law school.
- Mr. Nash: Well, I think my wife might have objected to that!
- Principal Blair: Your daughter violated our school policy on sexual harassment. Tess kissed a student on the playground today, against his wishes."
- Lisa Hunter: Oh, is that all? What a relief!
- Principal Blair: I'm suspending her for two days.
- Lisa Hunter: For kissing? At that rate, I'd still be suspended!
- Lisa Hunter: I looked up the board's policy on sexual harassment and I guess what you're saying is that Tess's kiss constituted unwanted intimate contact. If you could help me out here, unwanted intimate contact would be defined as what, like touching?
- Mr. Beiber: Yes, of course. Touching, grabbing, any sort of hostile or demeaning behavior.
- Lisa Hunter: I see. So if I could just humbly ask you people, what is a wedgie? Isn't that unwanted intimate contact? And my daughter tells me that sort of thing happens all the time. You're trying to apply adult sexual harassment policy to 8 year olds. Now come on, haven't you ever been on a playground? Unwanted touching and grabbing is all they do. Some people call it PLAYING!
- Lisa Hunter: Your grandpa was the greatest cop ever. He was like Baretta, Starsky, Hutch, McMillan AND wife, McCloud, all rolled into one. He was like Raymond Burr at the end: just one big ball of cop. You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?
- Tess Hunter: Yes, I do. There's a cable channel that plays old peoples' TV.
- Matt Youngster: Well, I got stuck with the short end of the Secret Santa stick this year.
- Lyndon Knox: Wait a minute. Dee Dee and I drew each other, Lisa and Mr. Nash drew each other, so...
- Matt Youngster: Yeah, I got stuck with me. I got myself a home beer-making kit. I already have one at home, and I don't even DRINK.
- Kevin Hunter: Tess, did you know that no two snowflakes are exactly alike?
- Lisa Hunter: You know, I never understood the big deal everyone makes about that. I mean, no two cockroaches are exactly alike, either.
- Lisa Hunter: My Mom has a boyfriend? Well, if they come to visit, I'm making them sleep in the same bed. My house, my rules!
- Connie Minardi: Lisa, when will all the lies end?
- Lisa Hunter: Twelve-thirty-seven. Then we're gonna lie some more from two to four, followed by cocktails and more lying.
- Lyndon Knox: We have a relationship based on insulting each other. We both know the deal, Hunter, and no one gets hurt. And now you're crying? That's below the belt!
- Lisa Hunter: I'm sorry, Lyndon, I would never want to do anything to threaten our lack of friendship.
- Connie Minardi: You never knew the value of a dollar
- Lisa Hunter: Oh, yes I do! Ten dimes. Four quarters. Harder to make than it is to spend. Doesn't grow on trees. Go ahead, quiz me.
- Lisa Hunter: I just checked on the kids, they look so cute. I wish I could think of them as asleep and not just recharging. Tess was so adorable and she was all snuggled up with her hands under her face - she's so sweet and innocent.
- Kevin Hunter: She walked into the shower and saw the entire basketball team naked.
- Tess Hunter: Daddy, Tina Hobbs said you were getting canned, so I put gum in her hair. What's canned?
- Lisa Hunter: It's like summer vacation, except with $118 a month from the government.
- Lyndon Knox: You know, I never have to worry about getting a sitter when I go out of town. The beauty of being young and single is that I could go away forever and no one would miss me.
- Lisa Hunter: Oh, see how nice that works out - I'm too tired to insult you, so you do it yourself. Thank you! Hey in ten minutes, would you mind making fun of your shoes?
- Lyndon Knox: Alright, but I'm going skiing next week in Vermont, so you have to promise to call yourself "a loud-mouthed shrew."
- Lisa Hunter: Okay. Oh, how about "strident fish wife"?
- Lyndon Knox: Whatever works. I trust you.
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