Elijah Wood credited as playing...
- Joey Fingers: Remember, kid, if you can't stand the heat, stay out of Miami.
- North: What metaphor is that?
- Joey Fingers: What metaphor? You ever been down there in August? Your balls stick to your leg like crazy glue.
- North: How can Labor Day be next week? I just got here.
- Sleigh Driver: You walked from your house to the ice floes, right? It's a 10-week walk, even with the wind at your back.
- North: No wonder we stopped for lunch 49 times.
- Sleigh Driver: It's that six-months-of-daylight thing. It throws everybody off. I myself only showered 12 times during the '70s.
- North: What are you? Some kind of guardian angel?
- Narrator: Well, I guess you can say that, because in a manner of speaking we at Federal Express feel that we are guardians. Guardians of your most important packages and priority communique.
- North: What are you doing here?
- Gabby: Well, I finished all my chores, I thought I'd get a little shootin' in.
- North: No, I mean, have you ever been an Easter Bunny?
- Gabby: Easter Bunny?
- Pa Tex: Careful, Son, Gabby's killed men for less than that.
- North: Oh, sorry.
- Gabby: No harm done.
- North: Hey, hey, this looks great! I have always dreamt of a life without the ever present nuisance of electricity! Uh, uh, just let me grab something from the plane! I seem to have left my butter churn in the overhead compartment, hehe!
- [to the pilot]
- North: Floor it!
- North: Where the hell are my parents?
- Winchell: North, did you say the word 'hell'? My, the summer's really broadened you.
- North: Winchell, I've got exactly 10 minutes to find my parents, and if you don't tell me where they are, I'll show you how the summer's broadened me, you little asshole!
- Pa Tex: Well, I reckon we'll wake up early and eat, then we'll dig for oil and eat, then we'll rope some dogies, bust a few broncs, and maybe get a bite to eat. You like Tex Mex?
- North: Sure, I'm a big fan of any food that straddles two borders.
- Pa Tex: That's my boy.
- North: Adam, what are you doing here?
- Adam: Listen very carefully. I'm not here. You never saw me. We're not even having this conversation right now. Got that?
- North: Got what?
- Adam: Perfect.
- North: Where is Buck?
- Pa Tex: [solemn] He died in a stampede.
- North: Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Pa Tex: Needless to say, it was a mighty big loss.
- North: How does that get me into a good college?
- Governor Ho: Well, since we don't use the letters B, C, D and F, you're pretty much guaranteed to get straight A's.
- North: Do I need a lawyer?
- Winchell: North, this is America. Everybody needs a lawyer.
- Pa Tex: Remember before when I told you that everything I own is the biggest and the best? Well you're already the best. Now there's nothing left but to make you the biggest.
- Ma Tex: And don't fret about not being able to clean up your plate. Why, soon your stomach will stretch and stretch and your capacity for food will grow and grow.
- North: You say that like that's a good thing to have happen to your stomach.
- Pa Tex: It is.
- North: Why?
- Ma Tex: Then you'll be like Buck.
- North: Who?
- Pa Tex: Our first son. The biggest boy this big state's ever seen. Why he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month.
- Ma Tex: That's why Buck hated February.
- North: Winchell, you put out a three-page leaflet with a circulation of 90.
- Winchell: Might even land me a Pulitzer.
