- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: [sniffs] Do you smell that?
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: What, sir?
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: [sniffs] I smell females. How were they? Tell me. Tall, short? I know they were young. I know the smell of young armpits. Kiddo, what did they look like? Describe them, damn it!
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: I don't know. I didn't get a good look. There were two of them.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: What good are your eyes? Do you like women? Yes or no? And if you do, can't you tell if a breast is shaped like a pear or an apple? If an ass is high or low? Do you think I suffer because I can't see the sunset or the dome of St. Peter's? Sex! Thighs, two nice ass cheeks. That's the only religion. The only political ideal. Man's true country.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Kiddo, are you my friend?
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: Of course, sir.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Look, friendship is a very serious commitment.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: What do you mean?
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Do you know what a friend is? A man who truly knows you, and still loves you, in spite of it.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: You know what I am?
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: No.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: The eleven of spades.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: It doesn't exist.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: That's the point. A card that's not in the pack. Good for no game.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Hey, your job with me is not to be a porter. Find one at the station. That's what they're there for. Porters are born to be porters.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: Yes, sir.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: It's true for porters and poets.
- Sara: Tell me this, why did you come to Naples?
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: I wanted to show the kid the northernmost African city.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Now, have a glass of whiskey.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: But, sir, I don't drink much. In fact, I don't drink at all.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: With me, you'll drink. Don't argue. I'll fatten you up with whiskey.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: I don't care about your last name. What's your name?
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: Giovanni.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Good. I'll call you kiddo.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Kiddo, I'm not looking to get engaged. Tell me about the whores on this street.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: There's a short one with a red dress.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: No. I only want to know about the the tall ones with wide hips. I like tall women.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: There is one tall one.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: How are the hips?
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: So so. The only large feature is her nose.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Tall with a big nose. What about her feet? Tell me about the feet.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: They're huge.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: That's a transvestite, not a woman. Trust me.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Do you hear it? The train's whistle? That's why I choose this hotel. The sound of a the train keeps a man company.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: I think your cousin is here.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Is he walking toward me with open arms like a showgirl?
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: Yes, sir.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Then it's him.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Tell me what the girls are like.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: Which girls?
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: [sniffs] Come on. I can smell them, and yet you can't see them?
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Where were you?
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: I was watching TV. They're showing, "May God Forgive You... But I Won't."
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Nonsense made for Americans. A Spaghetti Western.
- Mirka: He's a real gentleman. Why isn't he married? He must have a generous pension. What about you? He paid me very well. Feel free to take advantage.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: No, thank you, ma'am. Thank you.
- Mirka: Don't be shy, really.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: Pretend I accepted your kind offer, Ms. MIrka. Thank you.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Tall, dark and with two great ass cheeks. Tomorrow we're going to have fun.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: Why did you say that girl is off limits?
- Raffaele: 'Cause she's madly in love with your blind guy.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: Doesn't he know it?
- Raffaele: Yes, but he doesn't care. Maybe because he can't see how gorgeous she is. Did you see her eyes?
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: Her tits are even better.
- Fausto's Cousin, the Priest: What brings you to Rome?
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: I wanted to see you. I need your blessing.
- Fausto's Cousin, the Priest: Don't kid around, Fausto.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: I'm not kidding.
- Fausto's Cousin, the Priest: You are already forgiven, Fausto. And that's why I envy you. I've always envied you, you know? You'll say that I'm blasphemous, but I actually think that you're lucky. Because your suffering is with you every minute. It stimulates you, it frees you, it redeems you. You're saved and that's why I envy you. What am I saying?
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Please, go on. Go ahead.
- Fausto's Cousin, the Priest: I've thought about it many times, these past few years. I feel as if your burden could be your reason for living. Your salvation, in other words. I envy madmen, sick men, innocent children. They are the only ones who can see and understand more than I.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: You think it's a blessing to be blind. That may well be, but not for the reasons you've stated. It's a blessing to be blind because blind men don't see things as they are, but as they imagine them. But not me. I can't imagine anything. I can't remember anything. If I could see the world here, now, I think I would only look at - stones, the desert. Not even animals or trees. Only stones. Because I too am a stone.
- [takes a drink]
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Well, then, where's my blessing? Come on. Make the sign of the cross, a little nonsense in Latin, and I'll be vaccinated against sin.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: ["reading" palms] A well-developed mound of Venus, a tendency toward sexual love. You prefer the mattress to the moonlight. And you're not wrong.
- Michelina: No, it's not true. I'm a romantic.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: It's true.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: I smell the scent of a woman. Well? Who are you? Huh? Who are you, little lamb? Who are you?
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: She's dancing. She's practically naked. Let's see. Let me see who she is. Let me feel. If my hands aren't mistaken, these tits and this ass belong to Ines! Let me feel, let me see. Yes, it's Ines. I guessed it.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: What about your little guy? Do you let him out to play now and then?
- Fausto's Cousin, the Priest: Come on, Fausto. What are you saying?
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Don't be such a shrinking violet. Why live with all these nuns, otherwise?
- Fausto's Cousin, the Priest: What are you talking about, Fausto? Leave the nuns alone, poor things.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Men and women. That's what you priests and nuns are. Men and women.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Cut it out with that dirge. Can't you play something lighter?
- Vincenzo: [at the piano, singing] With these manners, Bridget, You're like a cup of coffee, There's sugar at the bottom, But the top is bitter, I'm going to try my hardest, I'm going to stir and stir, So the sweetness at the bottom, Will end up I my mouth.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: [starts to walk into a room] They're naked.
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Did you hear the, you poor thing? You are so unfortunate as to see, have no right to come in.
- [walks past Giovanni into the room]
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: Hello, lovely little ladies! I know you're here, little lambs. The big bad wolf is going to eat you up. Whose is this little ass? And these big boobs? And whose are these little titties? Come here. Let me touch you! Where are you, little hussies? Where are you running off to?
- Il capitano Fausto Consolo: I'll spank you with my wooden hand. Where are you? Where are you running off to, you little whores?
- Raffaele: Where would be the harm? A man is a man. And Sara is a good looking broad.
- Giovanni Bertazzi, aka Ciccio: She's a good girl. That's it.
- Raffaele: So what if she's a good girl? Shouldn't a guy try to get with her?
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