Champagne For Caesar

Combo Film

last year

Link Amazon : https://amzn.to/47eIPSN

Transcript

00:00:00 (dramatic music)

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00:00:11 (glass shattering)

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00:00:42 (dramatic music)

00:00:44 - This is a girl.

00:01:11 The girl is lying on a towel.

00:01:13 The towel is lying on the grass.

00:01:16 The grass grows in Hollywood,

00:01:18 which tells you immediately and very clearly

00:01:20 where our picture is laid.

00:01:23 The girl's name is Frosty.

00:01:25 She's a bit player in motion pictures,

00:01:27 which means that she plays a little bit here

00:01:30 and a little bit there.

00:01:32 She lives in a bungalow court like many of the natives.

00:01:35 It is always pleasant to watch the development

00:01:37 of bit players because some of them become stars.

00:01:41 Their careers depend mostly on their talents.

00:01:44 Crystal gazing will never take the place

00:01:46 of girl gazing, will it?

00:01:48 As a matter of fact, it is one of our male natives'

00:01:50 favorite pastimes.

00:01:52 They call it the once over.

00:01:54 Well, friends, have a good look at Frosty

00:01:56 because unfortunately we won't see much of her

00:01:59 in our picture.

00:02:00 Our story is the story of one of her neighbors.

00:02:03 His name is Beauregard Bottomley, the last scholar.

00:02:07 And in the constant pursuit of knowledge,

00:02:10 he reads and reads and reads.

00:02:13 His cornflakes in the morning are well sprinkled

00:02:15 with Schopenhauer.

00:02:16 His blue plate at lunch is balanced

00:02:18 with a generous helping of the latest developments

00:02:20 in atomic research.

00:02:22 And absolutely nothing can disturb his brilliant mind.

00:02:26 (gentle music)

00:02:29 - That's very good, Gerald.

00:02:34 You're coming along nicely.

00:02:35 Once more, please.

00:02:36 (Beauregard laughing)

00:02:39 - I love the music!

00:02:40 (Beauregard laughing)

00:02:41 - That'll be all, Caesar.

00:02:42 - Does Polly want a cracker?

00:02:45 - Polly wants a drink!

00:02:46 Let's get loaded!

00:02:48 - Says the darndest things, doesn't he?

00:02:50 - How about a short one?

00:02:52 How about a short one?

00:02:54 - Had your quarter for the day, Caesar.

00:02:56 As I've told you before, Gerald,

00:02:57 neither my sister nor I taught him these expressions.

00:03:00 His former master must have been the greatest reprobate

00:03:02 since the Emperor Nero.

00:03:04 - We found him one night leaning up against a lamppost.

00:03:07 He couldn't remember where he lived.

00:03:08 - No, he still can't.

00:03:10 - Now we have him down to two drinks a day.

00:03:12 Soon we'll have him down to no drinks a day.

00:03:14 (Beauregard screaming)

00:03:15 - Now you have frightened him.

00:03:17 Caesar, Caesar.

00:03:19 (Beauregard screaming)

00:03:20 - Champagne!

00:03:21 - Oh, no, no, no.

00:03:22 Sorry, you must rub it for a while.

00:03:24 - Do you mind if we cut the lesson short tonight, Gerald?

00:03:27 We'll make it up next time.

00:03:29 Beauregard and I are going to a show.

00:03:30 - Oh, that's all right.

00:03:32 - I'll get ready.

00:03:33 - You know, Gerald, I can't help admiring your enterprise.

00:03:37 Your late approach to the art of music is highly commendable.

00:03:40 I wish you many happy hours at the piano.

00:03:43 - I don't want to learn to play the piano.

00:03:45 - Really?

00:03:47 Isn't your procedure of taking piano lessons

00:03:49 rather roundabout for one who does not wish

00:03:51 to play the piano?

00:03:52 - I only want to learn how to play jingle bells.

00:03:55 - Oh, well, then I wish you many happy hours

00:03:57 playing jingle bells.

00:03:59 By the way, if you've nothing better to do,

00:04:01 why not join Gwen and myself?

00:04:03 May turn out to be a very exciting evening.

00:04:05 - I've nothing better to do.

00:04:06 - Fine.

00:04:07 - As a matter of fact, I've nothing at all to do.

00:04:10 (Beauregard squeals)

00:04:11 - Skip the gutter.

00:04:12 - Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a thrilling milestone

00:04:19 in the history of cosmic science.

00:04:22 For the first time over television,

00:04:24 we shall make an attempt to shoot the moon by radar.

00:04:27 - This ought to be worth seeing.

00:04:29 - It's thrilling, Beauregard.

00:04:30 - The beam will bounce off the surface of the moon

00:04:36 and come racing back through the heavens to this laboratory.

00:04:40 The elapsed time of this stratospheric round trip

00:04:43 will be 2.564 seconds.

00:04:46 - Wait a moment, that doesn't sound right.

00:04:49 239,000 miles to the moon,

00:04:51 light travels 186,300 miles a second.

00:04:54 186,300 into twice times 2.569,

00:04:57 that'll be 5.565.

00:05:00 - Oh, yes.

00:05:04 The total elapsed time will be 2.565.

00:05:09 - A perfectly understandable mistake.

00:05:11 - Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

00:05:13 I shall now release the radar ray.

00:05:16 - Cosmic message.

00:05:20 - Sounded more like a cosmic raspberry.

00:05:22 - Yes, you may be right, Gerald.

00:05:26 It could very well be the moon's unflattering opinion

00:05:28 of man's puny efforts.

00:05:30 - Next week, we will continue our regular program,

00:05:33 Adventures in Science.

00:05:35 Good night, all.

00:05:37 - I guess we just made it.

00:05:38 - I'm afraid you've come a little late.

00:05:40 However, I'll be very happy to explain what has just occurred.

00:05:42 As you know, an electronic phenomenon.

00:05:44 - Hi, hi!

00:05:45 - Hi, hi!

00:05:47 - Ho, ho!

00:05:49 - Ho, ho!

00:05:50 - What time is it?

00:05:52 - It's Happy Hogan Time!

00:05:54 (audience cheering)

00:05:57 - Yes, sir, it's Happy Hogan Time

00:06:02 and Masquerade for Money,

00:06:03 that number one coast-to-coast quest for dough,

00:06:06 now televised locally and brought to you by

00:06:09 My Lady, the Soap that Sanctifies.

00:06:13 ♪ My lady, my lady, the soap for a lady ♪

00:06:15 ♪ It's creamy, it's soapy, it's creamy ♪

00:06:17 - Nauseating.

00:06:18 - Oh, Mr. Bottomley,

00:06:20 I almost didn't recognize you without your book.

00:06:22 You remember Frosty, she lives next door.

00:06:24 - Oh yes, I hardly recognized you without your,

00:06:26 I mean, your present attire.

00:06:28 - Oh, I didn't know you were Happy Hogan Fan, Gwen.

00:06:30 - I'm not, I don't even know the man.

00:06:32 - Oh, I know him personally.

00:06:34 He's a dreamboat and so smart.

00:06:36 - And here he is now,

00:06:38 that joyful, jolly, jestful, jivy joker,

00:06:41 that merry, mad, murthy minster of magpies.

00:06:44 - Whatever that means.

00:06:46 - That querulous, quizzical quintessence of query,

00:06:50 Happy Hogan!

00:06:51 Hiya, kid, hiya!

00:06:53 Yes, sir, pass me your seatbelt,

00:06:55 zip me your straitjacket,

00:06:56 because tonight we're gonna break it down,

00:06:58 we're gonna kick it around and we're gonna throw money

00:07:01 all over it.

00:07:03 We bid a bon voyage to this dreamboat

00:07:05 and quietly steal away.

00:07:07 - This is one of those quiz programs, Beauregard,

00:07:09 where people win things.

00:07:10 Let's watch it for a while, it might be fun.

00:07:13 - For the one or two people who may not be familiar

00:07:15 with the program,

00:07:16 Masquerade for Money is a real life costume party

00:07:19 and here's how we play the game.

00:07:21 Yes, sir, the audience appears in a costume

00:07:23 representing his or her favorite person,

00:07:25 object, thing, or animal.

00:07:26 Contestants are asked questions about the person or thing

00:07:29 their costume represents.

00:07:30 We pay $5 for the first question,

00:07:32 $10 for the second question,

00:07:34 and so on until the sixth question,

00:07:36 which pays the lovely loot of 160 clinkers.

00:07:40 Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

00:07:41 at any time during the evening,

00:07:43 a contestant can pocket the dough and go home happily.

00:07:46 And now let's go laughing and scratching.

00:07:48 Who's our first con...

00:07:49 Oh, isn't she a lovely little thing?

00:07:52 (audience laughing)

00:07:53 This guy kills me.

00:07:55 Who are you supposed to be?

00:07:57 - I am Cleopatra.

00:07:59 (audience applauding)

00:08:02 - What's your name in real life, Cleo,

00:08:03 and where are you from?

00:08:05 - My name is Lona Kransky and I come from Brooklyn.

00:08:08 - Brooklyn!

00:08:09 (audience applauding)

00:08:12 - I fail to see why the location of birth

00:08:16 should be met with applause.

00:08:17 - But she comes from Brooklyn.

00:08:19 - Oh.

00:08:20 Here's your first question, Cleo.

00:08:21 Now here we go.

00:08:23 Down what river did you float?

00:08:25 - On your barge.

00:08:27 - Oh, that's a tough one.

00:08:28 The Nile?

00:08:32 - That is right.

00:08:33 That's absolutely right.

00:08:34 You're now the proud possessor of five drachmas.

00:08:37 - Then how can you stand such drivel?

00:08:39 - Would you please shut up?

00:08:41 - Yes, but I can't let this go on

00:08:42 without a word of warning.

00:08:44 This man is the forerunner

00:08:45 of intellectual destruction in America.

00:08:47 If it is noteworthy and rewarding

00:08:49 to know that two and two make four

00:08:50 to the accompaniment of deafening applause and prizes,

00:08:52 then two and two making four

00:08:54 will become the top level of learning.

00:08:55 Good evening.

00:08:56 - Gee, Mr. Bottomley, you sure know a lot.

00:08:59 - I not only sure know a lot, my dear Frosty,

00:09:01 I know everything.

00:09:03 (bright orchestral music)

00:09:06 Yes, Mr. Brown, I know everything.

00:09:15 Everything except what is commonly known

00:09:17 as how to make a buck.

00:09:18 - It certainly isn't easy to place a scholar, Mr. Bottomley.

00:09:21 - No, it isn't.

00:09:22 No, I've been a short order cook, a shoe salesman,

00:09:25 and heaven knows what else,

00:09:26 but if you know everything,

00:09:28 you're not wanted around for long.

00:09:30 And Greek translations don't pay very much.

00:09:32 - You know, I may have something here

00:09:34 that's right up your intelligent alley.

00:09:35 - Oh?

00:09:36 - This company is looking for a man

00:09:37 who is exactly your type.

00:09:39 Something to do with a research survey.

00:09:42 Why don't you take this card

00:09:43 and go see what it's all about?

00:09:45 It's the My Lady's Soap Company.

00:09:46 - My Lady's.

00:09:48 Isn't that the soap that sanctifies?

00:09:51 - (laughs) Yes, that's the one.

00:09:53 The soap that sanctifies.

00:09:55 - Well, I can't afford a bit choosy.

00:09:56 Thank you, Mr. Brown.

00:09:57 Sorry I'm such a problem.

00:09:58 (bright orchestral music)

00:10:03 (bright orchestral music)

00:10:06 (bright orchestral music)

00:10:36 - Good afternoon.

00:10:37 Won't you come in, please?

00:10:40 - Good afternoon.

00:10:43 I was sent here by the...

00:10:45 (bright orchestral music)

00:10:48 - Your name, please.

00:11:02 Your name, please.

00:11:05 - B-B-B-B-Borigard Bottomley.

00:11:07 - Oh, yes.

00:11:10 We were expecting you.

00:11:12 Leave the prompts for death

00:11:15 and fill in the application blank.

00:11:18 (bright orchestral music)

00:11:24 (door slams)

00:11:27 (door squeaks)

00:11:29 (bright orchestral music)

00:11:32 (bright orchestral music)

00:11:36 (door slams)

00:11:44 (bright orchestral music)

00:11:45 Please place the form in the slot.

00:11:48 On the desk.

00:11:50 (door squeaks)

00:11:54 (bright orchestral music)

00:11:57 (door squeaks)

00:12:00 (door slams)

00:12:01 (bright orchestral music)

00:12:05 Thank you.

00:12:06 And make yourself comfortable.

00:12:10 - Not comfortable.

00:12:14 Ridiculous.

00:12:18 (bright orchestral music)

00:12:27 (bright orchestral music)

00:12:31 (door squeaks)

00:12:34 - Good afternoon.

00:12:35 It's a nice place you...

00:12:37 (door squeaks)

00:13:00 Good afternoon.

00:13:01 As I was saying to the other gentlemen...

00:13:03 (door squeaks)

00:13:10 (bright orchestral music)

00:13:13 As I was saying to the other two gentlemen, I...

00:13:23 I...

00:13:23 Good afternoon.

00:13:32 - Good afternoon.

00:13:33 Would you follow me, Mr. Bottomley?

00:13:35 - Yes.

00:13:35 When you sign the application, put it in the slot.

00:13:40 - Very little is known about this position, Mr. Bottomley,

00:13:42 except that it has something to do with a survey.

00:13:45 (gun fires)

00:13:46 (man grunts)

00:13:51 - It actually originated in the office

00:13:53 of the top executive, Mr. Burnbridge Waters.

00:13:57 It's all very hush-hush,

00:13:58 and we simply refer to it as Operation Lather.

00:14:01 The salary will be $40 a week.

00:14:03 - That's satisfactory, but not...

00:14:05 - Not conducive to luxury living.

00:14:07 Shall we go up to the penthouse?

00:14:09 - Yes.

00:14:09 - Shh, shh, shh.

00:14:20 Operation Lather?

00:14:22 I believe I've found the man.

00:14:24 - Go right in.

00:14:25 (bright orchestral music)

00:14:39 - Mr. Waters is not with us.

00:14:44 He's concentrating.

00:14:45 He's on a higher plane.

00:14:47 We must wait.

00:14:47 - Am I to understand he can't see or hear us?

00:14:51 - That's right, but it won't take long.

00:14:52 He'll be back.

00:14:53 - How do you do?

00:14:56 My time is extremely valuable.

00:14:57 Seconds tick away into minutes.

00:14:59 Minutes become hours.

00:15:00 Hours disappear into days and weeks.

00:15:02 Weeks suddenly form months,

00:15:04 and months have a habit of becoming years.

00:15:06 - I've never quite looked at it that way,

00:15:07 but I suppose you're right.

00:15:09 This is a Mr. Bottomley, Mr. Waters.

00:15:11 He hopes to become a member of my lady's family.

00:15:13 - PhD, physicist extraordinaire.

00:15:15 BA, BS, master's degree at the age of 13.

00:15:19 Rhodes Scholar.

00:15:20 PhD, DSC, LLD.

00:15:22 All this spells one thing to me, sir.

00:15:24 You are a dreamer, I am a doer.

00:15:25 Do we have that strength?

00:15:27 - Oh, yes, quite, quite.

00:15:28 - I have an idea.

00:15:30 I want to find out what the average man thinks of it.

00:15:34 Then when we find out what he thinks of it,

00:15:36 we'll change his thinking.

00:15:38 - Change his thinking, naturally.

00:15:39 - What I am about to tell you now is very top secret.

00:15:42 It ranks with the discovery of electricity

00:15:44 and the invention of the wheel.

00:15:46 I am thinking of putting on the market

00:15:48 an all-purpose cake of soap

00:15:49 that will also be used to clean teeth.

00:15:51 - I see, sort of a...

00:15:53 Sort of a foam at the mouth approach, eh?

00:15:56 (laughing)

00:15:58 - You would have started tomorrow morning.

00:16:01 - That would have been fine,

00:16:01 but aren't we using rather a strange tense?

00:16:04 Would have?

00:16:04 - No, sir, we are not.

00:16:06 I loathe humor and you are humorous.

00:16:09 - Well, it was just a pleasantry designed--

00:16:11 - Mr. Waters hates pleasantries,

00:16:12 I suppose I should have told you.

00:16:13 - Oh, well, I'm sorry to have offended you, Mr. Waters.

00:16:16 It was unintentional and shan't occur again.

00:16:19 However, I really need a job,

00:16:20 and if I may say so, I think I would be definitely useful

00:16:23 to your highly reputable firm.

00:16:25 - I am afraid of you, sir.

00:16:26 You would be a poor ambassador of goodwill for my lady.

00:16:29 This is a deadly serious world, this world of business,

00:16:32 and at some given moment,

00:16:33 you would probably revert to type.

00:16:35 - Oh, but surely I--

00:16:35 - Why is he interrupting?

00:16:36 I didn't indicate that I had finished talking, did I?

00:16:40 - I saw no sign of it, sir.

00:16:42 - Oh, I beg your pardon.

00:16:43 - You are the intellectual type.

00:16:45 I despise intellectual types.

00:16:47 You are an improvident grasshopper,

00:16:49 and I am an industrious squirrel.

00:16:51 Nothing personal.

00:16:52 - Oh, just a moment.

00:16:54 What I have to say is quite personal.

00:16:56 If you are a squirrel, you're a very nutty one.

00:16:58 You are also an unmitigated pompous ass,

00:17:00 and an expensive moron.

00:17:03 - It's no use, Mr.--

00:17:04 - Only Mr. Waters is no longer on this plane with us.

00:17:07 Shall we steal away?

00:17:09 - Oh.

00:17:10 Do I genuflect upon leaving, or just face Mecca?

00:17:14 (eerie music)

00:17:17 - That's all.

00:17:25 - He's very cute, don't you think?

00:17:35 Byrnebridge Waters discovered him.

00:17:37 Did you get the job?

00:17:44 - May I congratulate you?

00:17:45 - No, I didn't get the job,

00:17:48 but congratulations may be in order.

00:17:51 I believe I have the greatest idea

00:17:55 since the discovery of Happy Hogan.

00:17:57 - And now our next contestant.

00:18:01 (audience applauding)

00:18:04 - Are you supposed to be a bookie?

00:18:07 Seriously, what are you supposed to represent?

00:18:08 - I am the encyclopedia.

00:18:10 - And the monocle?

00:18:11 - A Britannica.

00:18:12 - Oh, in that case, I can ask you anything about anything,

00:18:14 and if we can ask you anything about anything,

00:18:16 I will ask you anything about anything.

00:18:18 - I'm sure if you ask the questions,

00:18:19 that'll be a very limited field.

00:18:21 - Well, may I ask your name?

00:18:26 - You may.

00:18:27 - Well, what is your name, then?

00:18:30 - Beauregard Bottomley.

00:18:31 - Would you mind repeating that again?

00:18:34 - I would mind, very much.

00:18:36 - Oh, Beauregard Bottomley it is, then.

00:18:38 Well, on to the questions,

00:18:39 but first, here are your six cakes of my lady soap.

00:18:43 The soap that removes the dirt like any other soap.

00:18:46 (audience laughing)

00:18:47 - I know this man.

00:18:49 He's a disappointed office seeker and a Saxon.

00:18:52 He's a sappateur from life, boy.

00:18:54 - Yes, sir.

00:18:55 - Yes.

00:18:56 - Here we go for the first question and $5.

00:18:58 What is the name of the first animal

00:19:02 described in the Encyclopedia Britannica?

00:19:05 - The aardvark, spelled A-A-R-D-V-A-R-K.

00:19:09 - The aardvark is an anteater.

00:19:11 - That is absolutely right.

00:19:13 You are now the proud possessor of $5.

00:19:15 By the way, you said an aardvark is an anteater.

00:19:18 Is he also an uncle eater?

00:19:20 (audience laughing)

00:19:23 - Yes, as a matter of fact, the aardvark is an uncle eater,

00:19:28 but he only eats the uncles of the ants.

00:19:30 (audience laughing)

00:19:38 - Ludwig van Beethoven, born 1770, died 1827.

00:19:42 - That is absolutely correct.

00:19:44 - John Jay was the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

00:19:52 - That is absolutely correct.

00:19:53 - Theta is the eighth letter of the Greek alphabet.

00:20:00 - That is absolutely correct.

00:20:06 - Sixty home runs, hit by Babe Ruth.

00:20:08 - That is absolutely correct.

00:20:10 Here we go for the last question.

00:20:15 Which is farthest east?

00:20:17 Las Vegas, Los Angeles, or Reno?

00:20:21 - Las Vegas, Nevada.

00:20:23 - That is absolutely right.

00:20:24 Yes, sir, you certainly did all right for yourself

00:20:28 tonight, Mr. Encyclopedia.

00:20:30 Here are $160 in folding money.

00:20:33 - Why don't you ask me another question?

00:20:35 - Don't be nervous.

00:20:36 (audience laughing)

00:20:38 - Yes, go ahead, ask him another.

00:20:39 - Yes!

00:20:40 (audience applauding)

00:20:43 - Well, all right.

00:20:46 If the audience wants us to ask you another question,

00:20:49 we'll ask you another question.

00:20:52 But let me warn you, it's not gonna be an easy one.

00:20:55 Here we go for $320 or nothing.

00:20:59 You have five seconds to tell us the Japanese word

00:21:02 for goodbye.

00:21:04 One, two.

00:21:05 - Sayonara.

00:21:06 Not to be confused with cyanide,

00:21:08 which is of course goodbye in any language.

00:21:11 - That is right.

00:21:12 Yes, you are absolutely correct.

00:21:14 (audience applauding)

00:21:17 Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time

00:21:20 in the history of Masquerade for Money,

00:21:22 a contestant has nicked us for $320.

00:21:27 And here is your money.

00:21:28 - No, thank you.

00:21:29 - Now, wait a minute, really?

00:21:31 We're running out of time.

00:21:32 No more questions, no more time.

00:21:34 Well, that's all right.

00:21:35 I'll come back next week when you have more time.

00:21:38 Thank you very much, folks.

00:21:39 Your encouragement has been my inspiration.

00:21:41 I'll see you all next week,

00:21:43 if they'll allow me on the program.

00:21:45 - You'll be back on, Mr. Buckley.

00:21:47 - You'll be back on.

00:21:49 - You'll be back on.

00:21:50 (audience applauding)

00:21:53 - Just what are you up to?

00:21:58 - Next week, $640.

00:22:00 - Yes, I know, but don't you see,

00:22:01 they won't even let you on the show next week.

00:22:03 - Why didn't you take the $320?

00:22:05 - Because if the plan I have in mind works,

00:22:07 in the future, we shall only patronize

00:22:08 the $100 window at the Bank of America.

00:22:10 - Oh my God, don't you see--

00:22:11 - Careful, Gwen, the enemy approaches.

00:22:13 - Say, Miss Bottomley, fun's fun and all that,

00:22:16 but I think you better take your money

00:22:18 and forget about next week.

00:22:19 - Mr. Hogan, may I please have your autograph?

00:22:22 - Why do you want a signature?

00:22:23 One X looks like another.

00:22:25 - Is there something special about me

00:22:28 you dislike, Mr. Bottomley,

00:22:29 or do you hate me for myself alone?

00:22:31 - Oh, I don't hate you, Mr. Hogan.

00:22:33 He merely thinks you're the forerunner

00:22:34 of intellectual destruction in America.

00:22:36 - It's nothing personal.

00:22:38 - Well, since it seems nobody's going to introduce me

00:22:43 to anybody, I'd better introduce myself.

00:22:45 I'm Beauregard's sister, Gwen.

00:22:47 - I wouldn't let the news get around.

00:22:49 Good night, you two.

00:22:50 Don't think it hasn't been charming.

00:22:52 It's a shame we'll never meet again.

00:22:54 - You'll never be more spotless, Gwen.

00:22:56 You've been thoroughly brushed off.

00:22:58 - I think he's quite amusing.

00:22:59 Did you notice his wonderful smile?

00:23:01 - Did I?

00:23:02 I feel I know personally each one of his teeth.

00:23:04 - It's the greatest idea since the walking man.

00:23:15 I'm glad I thought of it.

00:23:17 We'll stretch him out over a period of six weeks

00:23:21 by asking him only one question a week.

00:23:23 - Yes, sir.

00:23:24 - Pull out all stops on publicity.

00:23:26 - Yes, sir.

00:23:27 - Build up our audience and our rating.

00:23:28 Generate a terrific sales campaign.

00:23:31 - Yes, sir.

00:23:31 - Build up our extreme generosity and then knock him off.

00:23:35 - You ask me, I think we ought to pay him off right now.

00:23:38 - Nobody asked you.

00:23:39 You were paid to entertain, not to thank.

00:23:41 - Happy may have a thought there.

00:23:43 You know, this is a dangerous precedent we're establishing.

00:23:46 This order weakens the size of our top price, $160.

00:23:49 Not only that, but--

00:23:50 - Shh.

00:23:52 I'm afraid it's no use, Chuck.

00:23:54 I believe he's no longer with us.

00:23:56 Boo!

00:24:01 (dramatic music)

00:24:03 (dramatic music)

00:24:06 (dramatic music)

00:24:09 (dramatic music)

00:24:12 (dramatic music)

00:24:14 - We're definitely progressing.

00:24:41 - I'll drink to that.

00:24:43 - Oh, you'll drink to anything.

00:24:45 - Best of luck tonight, Mr. Bottomley.

00:24:48 - Thank you, Gerald.

00:24:50 - Goodbye, Gerald.

00:24:51 - Goodbye.

00:24:51 - Just what are you made of?

00:24:55 - Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails.

00:24:57 That's what little boys are made of.

00:24:58 - Very funny.

00:24:59 There you are, sitting calmly.

00:25:04 And tonight you're answering a question

00:25:06 for $40,000 or nothing.

00:25:08 Please take the $40,000 if you win tonight.

00:25:10 Please take it.

00:25:11 - I will not.

00:25:12 - But do you realize what we can do with $40,000?

00:25:15 - Well, we can do twice as much with $80,000,

00:25:17 four times as much with $160,000.

00:25:18 - But they won't let you go on like this, Beauregard.

00:25:20 It can't go on.

00:25:22 They'll do something.

00:25:23 And besides, just one mistake, one little mistake,

00:25:25 and we'll wind up with nothing.

00:25:28 - I don't believe I've done anything

00:25:29 to justify your lack of confidence in me.

00:25:31 Oh, Gwen.

00:25:34 Are you sure I'm the only reason

00:25:36 for your highly nervous condition?

00:25:40 - I don't know what you're talking about.

00:25:42 - Well, the fact that Happy Hogan

00:25:43 has paid no attention to you,

00:25:44 I would consider a compliment.

00:25:46 - I still don't know what you're talking about.

00:25:48 - Hmm.

00:25:49 Look, this'll take your mind off whatever your mind is on.

00:25:53 - Rock formations in Death Valley.

00:25:59 (dramatic music)

00:26:02 (laughing)

00:26:06 - These questions are not only hard, they're mean.

00:26:09 (laughing)

00:26:11 - Let's ask it this way.

00:26:14 - Well, if it isn't the brain and another sister.

00:26:20 - I'm Gwen, remember me?

00:26:22 - Oh, yes.

00:26:24 I didn't recognize you at first.

00:26:25 You have a new hairdo or something.

00:26:28 Beauregard Bottomley, Burnbridge Waters.

00:26:30 Miss Bottomley, Burnbridge Waters.

00:26:32 - How do you do?

00:26:33 - Oh, yes, I've met Mr. Waters

00:26:35 in the well-upholstered torture chamber

00:26:37 where he practices witchcraft over a bar of soap.

00:26:40 - Excuse me.

00:26:41 Mr. Bottomley, I would like to thank you.

00:26:43 Through you, we have A, increased our rating,

00:26:47 B, gotten quite a bit of publicity,

00:26:49 and C, we have doubled our sales.

00:26:52 - D, I couldn't hear better news.

00:26:54 E, I hope the sales increase even more,

00:26:57 and F, it would frighten you

00:26:59 if you knew why I felt this way.

00:27:01 - Bug.

00:27:06 (audience applauding)

00:27:08 - Thank you.

00:27:09 - And now, ladies and gentlemen,

00:27:10 we come to that portion of Masquerade for Money

00:27:12 reserved for Mr. Beauregard Bottomley.

00:27:16 (audience applauding)

00:27:19 Quiet, quiet, please.

00:27:24 Will he be right or will he be wrong?

00:27:27 All the world wonders because tonight,

00:27:30 Beauregard Bottomley is shooting for $40,000 or nothing.

00:27:34 And now, here comes that grownup quiz king.

00:27:37 (audience applauding)

00:27:40 Well, where's your encyclopedia?

00:27:48 We'll see.

00:27:51 How you feeling tonight, Mr. Bottomley?

00:27:53 Kinda nervous?

00:27:54 - Why should I be nervous?

00:27:55 It's your money.

00:27:56 You're losing it.

00:27:57 I'm only winning it.

00:27:58 - I've seen tonight's question.

00:28:00 You'll be sorry.

00:28:01 - Suppose you stop all this nonsense

00:28:03 and just ask me the question, hmm?

00:28:05 - Hmm.

00:28:05 You, Mr. Bottomley, have only to name

00:28:09 the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty.

00:28:14 That's all.

00:28:15 - Of course, it was Zhu Yunwen.

00:28:23 He was dethroned by his uncle,

00:28:24 who became the third emperor.

00:28:26 Strange enough, the third emperor had three names,

00:28:28 Zhu Di, Cheng Tzu.

00:28:30 - That's enough.

00:28:31 He wins again!

00:28:33 (audience applauding)

00:28:36 - Quiet, quiet, please.

00:28:40 Mr. Bottomley, here is your check for $40,000.

00:28:45 - Thank you, no money.

00:28:46 I shall return.

00:28:47 - Well, gentlemen, there's no denying the fact

00:28:50 we're in a very tight spot.

00:28:52 I now believe that we have a Frankenstein on our hands.

00:28:56 A very well-informed Frankenstein.

00:28:58 He must be stopped.

00:29:00 - You're absolutely correct, B.W.

00:29:02 The question is--

00:29:03 - Don't use the word question.

00:29:05 Our course is now clear.

00:29:07 We've received value for value.

00:29:08 We've certainly gotten $40,000 worth of prestige,

00:29:11 publicity, buildup, and sales.

00:29:13 I am now ready to pay off this man,

00:29:15 and that will be the end of that.

00:29:17 - That's a great idea, Byrnebridge.

00:29:18 The only trouble is it won't work.

00:29:20 Mark my words, next week, Beauregard Bottomley

00:29:23 will be shooting for $80,000.

00:29:25 - That's great.

00:29:26 - You jackhead!

00:29:27 - Thank you.

00:29:28 - And thank you, and good evening, Byrnebridge Waters.

00:29:30 I'll be seeing you--

00:29:31 - Come back here, Hogan.

00:29:32 You're in this right up to your options.

00:29:36 This could very well be the end of radio,

00:29:38 for which you would be directly responsible.

00:29:40 - Who, me?

00:29:42 You think I enjoy being Joe Schmoe from Kokomo each week

00:29:45 and having this joker top me with his insults?

00:29:48 I don't like it any better than you do.

00:29:50 What do you expect me to do, go out and shoot him?

00:29:53 (chuckling)

00:29:57 - No.

00:29:59 No, we mustn't start thinking like that.

00:30:01 - Why don't you just refuse to let him on the show?

00:30:04 - Let me explain something to you, my dear.

00:30:06 If we take Mr. Bottomley off the show,

00:30:08 the people who listen to our show wouldn't like the idea.

00:30:11 If they don't like the idea, they won't listen to our show.

00:30:14 If they don't listen to our show,

00:30:15 our sales will drop to nothing and we will lose money!

00:30:18 I hope I didn't upset you, my dear.

00:30:24 Now let me tell you, we must bore from within.

00:30:26 What do we know about Beauregard Bottomley?

00:30:29 What is he up to?

00:30:29 Who was the woman in his life?

00:30:31 Where are his weaknesses?

00:30:32 Where is he most vulnerable?

00:30:34 Where can we reach in and twist?

00:30:37 - There's very little to go on, Chief.

00:30:39 No weaknesses, no woman, no nothing.

00:30:41 No hits, no runs, no arrows.

00:30:43 (laughing)

00:30:44 - He lives in a piano with his sister

00:30:45 who gives bungalow lessons.

00:30:47 (laughing)

00:30:50 - There is no such thing as a man without a weakness.

00:30:55 There must be something.

00:30:57 Maybe I can get some inside information for you, Burnbridge.

00:31:00 Care to treat me to a few piano lessons?

00:31:04 (laughing)

00:31:07 I love this boy!

00:31:10 I discovered him!

00:31:11 He's one of the greatest men in radio!

00:31:13 (laughing)

00:31:15 (upbeat music)

00:31:19 (upbeat music)

00:31:45 - I feel two eyes boring holes in the back of my skull.

00:31:50 Hi.

00:31:55 - Mr. Hogan, you are most unwelcome here.

00:31:57 - He's taking lessons.

00:31:59 - My dear Happy Hogan, at the last count,

00:32:00 there were 10,482 piano teachers in greater Los Angeles.

00:32:04 Your appearance here suggests an ulterior design.

00:32:08 - But I think he's really interested in the piano,

00:32:10 and I'd like us to continue what we've started,

00:32:12 with the piano.

00:32:13 - Gwen, my dear, you are unwise in the ways of the world.

00:32:16 This insidious instigator of infamy

00:32:18 stands poised at my vitals with a knife of treachery.

00:32:22 - Sticks and stones may break my bones,

00:32:26 but names will never hurt me.

00:32:27 - In the ridiculous idiom of your profession, get lost.

00:32:32 - Am I to understand that you want me to leave?

00:32:36 - Don't answer that.

00:32:38 It's been a charming afternoon up to a point.

00:32:41 At this point, I'm leaving.

00:32:43 - I refuse to let you interfere with my business.

00:32:54 I am not your child, I am not your wife.

00:32:56 I am your sister, and I'll give piano lessons

00:32:58 to Gargantua if I wish to.

00:33:00 - I would have no objections to Gargantua.

00:33:03 Gwen, surely it must be apparent to you

00:33:08 that this Hogan fellow isn't interested in music?

00:33:10 - Of course not.

00:33:11 Do you think I'm an idiot?

00:33:12 - Ah, then you admit that his motives are shady.

00:33:15 My lady's soap and burnbridge waters are obviously panicked.

00:33:18 They want me off the air, or they want to stump me.

00:33:21 - It just doesn't occur to you

00:33:22 that he may be interested in me, does it?

00:33:24 - Oh, Gwen.

00:33:26 I know that you've a mild crush on Hogan,

00:33:35 but I know also that until today,

00:33:36 he paid no attention to you.

00:33:39 - Sometimes these things take time.

00:33:41 - Even last night when you

00:33:43 creamed your feathers in a supreme effort to enchant him,

00:33:47 he remained, if I may say so, rather unenchanted, didn't he?

00:33:51 - Perhaps I made a delayed impression.

00:33:55 - Very unlikely.

00:33:57 No, my dear, Hogan came here to look for my weak spot,

00:34:01 for my Achilles heel.

00:34:02 - I suppose you're right.

00:34:05 - Then there's no need to see him again, is there?

00:34:09 - No.

00:34:09 No need.

00:34:12 - I can't tell you how much I appreciate

00:34:21 your letting me see you.

00:34:22 I know your brother would object.

00:34:26 - Violently.

00:34:27 - Your brother's a very intelligent man,

00:34:31 but he doesn't seem to know anything about love.

00:34:37 - Tell me, Gwen, isn't there some woman in his life?

00:34:41 - Not at the moment.

00:34:45 You see, Beauregard wants a woman

00:34:48 who's not only beautiful, but brilliant.

00:34:51 Kind of hard to find.

00:34:52 - Kind of.

00:34:55 I'm lucky.

00:34:57 I found one.

00:34:57 (gentle music)

00:35:00 - You know, my brother thinks you're seeing me

00:35:11 in order to get some information about him.

00:35:13 I think so too.

00:35:17 - The words, "I'm a heel."

00:35:21 - Not in other words.

00:35:24 Same words.

00:35:24 (gentle music)

00:35:27 - Then why did you come here?

00:35:30 Why did you let me kiss you?

00:35:31 - Because I like you very much.

00:35:35 - You like me even though you think I'm a heel?

00:35:40 - Mm-hmm.

00:35:41 Isn't it awful?

00:35:44 - I think you're the most terrific girl

00:35:50 I've ever met in my life.

00:35:51 - Sounds wonderful.

00:35:54 I really mean it.

00:35:55 You and your brother were both right.

00:36:00 I did come looking for information.

00:36:05 And I'm glad I did.

00:36:08 Because I found something really important.

00:36:22 - You know, I want him to stop too.

00:36:24 I wish he'd take the money because we need it.

00:36:28 But he won't.

00:36:29 He's out to get them.

00:36:31 He has estimated that my lady's soap company

00:36:35 is worth $40 million.

00:36:37 When he wins $40 million, he'll stop.

00:36:42 - Slut.

00:36:46 - Happy boy, I knew you'd do it.

00:36:51 How did it go?

00:36:52 - Fine.

00:36:53 - I'm seldom grateful to anybody,

00:36:54 but I've certainly got to hand it to you.

00:36:56 Put her here, boy, put her here.

00:36:58 - It was your idea and it turned out great.

00:37:00 - What's the score, happy boy?

00:37:02 - As for Beauregard Bottomley having a personal weakness,

00:37:05 he has none.

00:37:06 There are no vices, there's no woman at the moment.

00:37:08 - What are you telling me, boy?

00:37:10 Why are you letting me shake your hand?

00:37:12 Did he agree to stop?

00:37:14 - His sister wants him to stop.

00:37:15 - Oh, great, great.

00:37:16 That old Hogan touch, sit down.

00:37:18 You convinced her?

00:37:20 - Well, I didn't have to.

00:37:21 You see, she's felt this way all along.

00:37:23 However, she doesn't have the slightest influence

00:37:25 on her brother.

00:37:26 - Why are you telling me my idea is so great,

00:37:29 you knuckle knob?

00:37:30 What are you so happy about?

00:37:32 - I fell in love with Gwen Bottomley.

00:37:34 - How dare you fall in love on my time?

00:37:36 This is dishonest, treacherous, and un-American.

00:37:38 Get out of here!

00:37:40 - Don't you want to know

00:37:40 what Beauregard Bottomley is up to?

00:37:43 Better get your pills out, Burnbridge.

00:37:46 Hold on to your hat.

00:37:48 Do you know what Bottomley wants?

00:37:51 He wants your blood,

00:37:52 and he has it figured out at $40 million worth.

00:37:56 He's after every nickel and dime,

00:37:59 every building and factory, every hunk of stock,

00:38:02 every bar and flake of soap, every stick of furniture,

00:38:06 all the executives, in fact,

00:38:09 everything that belongs to M'lady Soap Company.

00:38:13 - This is George Fisher in Hollywood.

00:38:15 Here's something hot.

00:38:17 News has just come in off the wire

00:38:18 that the contest we've all been following

00:38:20 feverishly is now over.

00:38:22 Masquerade for Money is off the air.

00:38:25 A check for $40,000 has been given to Beauregard Bottomley,

00:38:29 and that seems to be that.

00:38:31 Now, the latest news from the film colony is that,

00:38:34 but wait, here's a new development, ladies and gentlemen.

00:38:37 Beauregard Bottomley has refused,

00:38:39 I said refused, the check for $40,000.

00:38:43 What he hopes to gain by this, I don't know,

00:38:45 but I beg you, one and all,

00:38:46 especially the members of the Beauregard Bottomley fan clubs,

00:38:49 not to telephone this station.

00:38:51 We'll bring you the latest news

00:38:52 as soon as it flashes across our wires.

00:38:55 In the meantime, we'll all await further developments.

00:38:58 Now, on to the Hollywood news.

00:38:59 (audience laughing)

00:39:00 - Will you look this way, Mr. Miles?

00:39:02 - Beauregard!

00:39:03 Beauregard!

00:39:04 - Three cheers for Beauregard Bottomley!

00:39:08 Hip hip!

00:39:08 (audience cheering)

00:39:11 - Hold it, everybody, quiet, please.

00:39:17 - Now, Mr. Bottomley, would you mind telling us

00:39:19 why you refuse the $40,000 offered to you

00:39:21 by the Masquerade for Money program?

00:39:23 - I refuse the $40,000 simply because

00:39:26 I've no intention of ending the contest.

00:39:28 - Ah, it's wonderful.

00:39:29 - But Mr. Bottomley, the program is no longer on the air.

00:39:32 - Well, I'm sure that Masquerade for Money

00:39:34 will be on the air again very shortly

00:39:36 and I will be on the program.

00:39:38 (audience laughing)

00:39:41 Tremendous acclaim proves I am not alone

00:39:44 in my fight to end the Stonehead Age.

00:39:46 And the public will see to it that I continue.

00:39:48 - Wonderful!

00:39:49 (audience cheering)

00:39:52 (dramatic music)

00:39:58 - Ah, there's good news tonight, after all.

00:40:08 Masquerade for Money is going back on the air.

00:40:11 And the reason for that decision

00:40:13 can be told in just two words.

00:40:15 No soap.

00:40:17 Not one bar of my lady's soap was sold

00:40:19 over the counters of America

00:40:21 since Beauregard Bottomley was forced off the air.

00:40:25 And so once again, Mr. and Mrs. John Public prove

00:40:29 their word is final.

00:40:31 (dramatic music)

00:40:35 - The frequency of a bat's shriek

00:40:36 is somewhere around 20,000 cycles a second.

00:40:39 - That is absolutely correct.

00:40:41 (audience applauding)

00:40:44 (dramatic music)

00:40:47 - The upper Cretaceous deposits

00:40:54 of the Elbrus Mountain region of Persia

00:40:56 consist of limestones, locally hipporitic

00:40:59 and fossiliferous mounds, often bituminous.

00:41:01 - That is absolutely correct.

00:41:03 (dramatic music)

00:41:06 - The molar of an Asiatic elephant has 24 plates.

00:41:12 - That is roughly correct.

00:41:14 - Roughly.

00:41:15 (dramatic music)

00:41:18 - Quiz programs.

00:41:28 I was one of the first people in this country

00:41:32 to think of quiz programs.

00:41:34 I discovered Happy Hogan.

00:41:37 I dreamed up Masquerade for Money.

00:41:42 I could have hired Beauregard Bottomley for $40 a week.

00:41:46 I wanted him to continue on the show.

00:41:49 It's all my fault.

00:41:51 But I won't admit it even to myself.

00:41:55 - Mr. Waters!

00:41:56 Mr. Waters, Beauregard Bottomley's in the building.

00:41:59 He's demanding to be shown to the plant.

00:42:01 He says he wants to acquaint himself

00:42:02 with his future holdings.

00:42:03 - Throw him out, destroy him, have him arrested!

00:42:06 No, wait a minute.

00:42:07 No, let him in.

00:42:10 Of course, that's the way to do it, let him in.

00:42:13 - You're not thinking of doing anything desperate, are you?

00:42:16 - You do care for me, don't you?

00:42:19 How sweet of you.

00:42:21 Remind me to ask you later what you're doing tonight.

00:42:24 (grunting)

00:42:26 (upbeat music)

00:42:31 (whistling)

00:42:34 (upbeat music)

00:42:37 (whistling)

00:42:39 (upbeat music)

00:42:41 (growling)

00:43:06 (upbeat music)

00:43:09 - I'm way ahead of you.

00:43:14 (upbeat music)

00:43:17 (thunder crashing)

00:43:28 - I was only kidding.

00:43:29 - Oh, the High Llama of Lather.

00:43:34 285 degrees centigrade, I presume.

00:43:36 And you're replacing the hydrogen of an acid

00:43:38 with a hydrocarbon radical.

00:43:40 - How do you know?

00:43:41 Oh, how silly of me to ask you that.

00:43:43 Well, I can't be expected to do everything.

00:43:51 But you know that one gesture of yours,

00:43:53 that one gesture shows me that you are a man

00:43:55 of tremendous executive ability.

00:43:58 I've just had the greatest idea since the discovery of fire.

00:44:02 I will bathe the world physically

00:44:04 and you will cleanse it mentally.

00:44:05 Together we will bring about a spotless, sparkling world.

00:44:08 How does it hit you?

00:44:10 - If I understand you correctly,

00:44:11 you are offering me a job?

00:44:12 - Not a job, the vice presidency.

00:44:14 It's as though Caesar rejoined forces

00:44:16 with Alexander the Great.

00:44:18 - Well, they were 300 years apart.

00:44:19 - Nevermind, I am prepared to offer you not only

00:44:22 the vice pres--

00:44:23 - You are prepared to offer me nothing.

00:44:24 Frankly, my dear Bermbridge,

00:44:26 you are living on borrowed soap flakes.

00:44:28 - I see.

00:44:31 Well, this doesn't come as a surprise to me.

00:44:34 My house is in order.

00:44:35 I have prepared myself.

00:44:37 - I find that very difficult to believe.

00:44:39 - Beauregard, I like you.

00:44:44 I like you because you are an honest man.

00:44:47 And it's because I like you

00:44:48 that I feel I must now warn you.

00:44:50 You are headed for trouble.

00:44:52 You are about to link arms with misery.

00:44:54 But aren't you gonna ask me why?

00:44:57 - Then I will tell you why.

00:44:59 Beauregard, it's terrible to have money.

00:45:04 It's frightening to be wealthy.

00:45:07 It's disastrous to be loaded.

00:45:09 Do you know what I have to show for my life's work?

00:45:12 Pills, green pills to be taken after yellow pills,

00:45:15 purple pills to be taken before green pills.

00:45:18 Ulcers and nerves, ulcers that shriek,

00:45:20 nerves that jingle, jangle.

00:45:22 - Jingle?

00:45:23 - Jingle.

00:45:24 - Jingle.

00:45:25 - Jingle.

00:45:25 - Jingle. - Jingle.

00:45:27 - Well, money won't buy you a new stomach.

00:45:32 - Right.

00:45:33 - Can't make you sleep at night.

00:45:34 - Right, oh, you are so brilliant.

00:45:35 Taxes, stocks, bonds.

00:45:37 - Payrolls, upkeep, bills.

00:45:38 - Right, Beauregard, but don't let them do it to you.

00:45:41 I can take it.

00:45:42 I don't count anymore.

00:45:43 They've wrecked me, but don't let it happen to you.

00:45:46 - How can I ever thank you, Burnbridge?

00:45:48 - Oh, don't thank me, Beauregard.

00:45:50 Just stay as you are.

00:45:51 Walk out of here into the sunshine of a carefree world,

00:45:55 wise in the knowledge that I have bestowed upon you,

00:45:57 for it is my sincere conviction

00:46:00 that the only way to be happy is to be poor.

00:46:03 - My dear Burnbridge, I see your point.

00:46:06 I am about to make you the happiest man in the world.

00:46:10 (dramatic music)

00:46:13 - Get out of here, you thief.

00:46:15 Get out of this building immediately.

00:46:16 - And when I take over in two weeks, let's do it quietly.

00:46:19 No reception, please, and clean up the plant, won't you?

00:46:22 Goodbye.

00:46:23 - I tried to be nice to you,

00:46:25 but you wouldn't have it that way.

00:46:28 When you aren't in yet, this is war!

00:46:31 (tires screeching)

00:46:34 - Taxi.

00:46:38 (tires screeching)

00:46:44 No, it doesn't matter, sorry.

00:46:45 Funny, I thought I had some cash.

00:46:49 Could he have picked my pocket?

00:46:53 (dramatic music)

00:46:55 - How are you feeling?

00:46:56 Improving, I hope.

00:46:57 - Oh, the invading Bacilli are on the run,

00:47:00 and I'm feeling much better, thanks.

00:47:02 - I'll be right back, Beauregard.

00:47:03 - Thanks, Gwen.

00:47:04 You know, I don't believe in any of that stuff.

00:47:07 You see, I'm a member of the old school,

00:47:09 and the old school's the best school

00:47:10 when it comes to (sneezes) this sort of thing.

00:47:14 Now, if you could only get some Indian herbs

00:47:16 and tie them around your neck, that'd do it.

00:47:18 Jim Dandy, lickety split.

00:47:20 But you can't get any Indian herbs these days.

00:47:25 Oh, watch, you needs a good hot rum drink.

00:47:27 (sneezes)

00:47:29 He wants to get loaded.

00:47:32 (audience applauding)

00:47:34 - Friends, countrymen, vice presidents,

00:47:38 I come to Barry Bottomley.

00:47:41 I have found a secret weapon

00:47:43 which will destroy him at last.

00:47:46 Beauregard Bottomley has been infallible up to now

00:47:48 because his mind is undisturbed.

00:47:51 And what I ask you, fellow workers,

00:47:55 disturbs a man's mind.

00:47:57 (audience applauding)

00:48:01 Bottomley is looking for perfection in a woman, too.

00:48:07 Well, my dear friends, I know of such a perfect creature.

00:48:12 Her name is Flame O'Neil.

00:48:15 She is a corn-fed matahari.

00:48:18 Her mind is as sharp as a razor's edge.

00:48:20 She has everything except the heart.

00:48:24 (audience applauding)

00:48:27 And we are exceedingly lucky she is available now.

00:48:30 Her services to my lady soap will go down in history

00:48:34 as a shining example of foul play in our time.

00:48:39 (audience applauding)

00:48:43 (water splashing)

00:48:45 - You've a temperature of 95 to...

00:48:57 94 degrees.

00:49:03 - I think you're very charming, Frosty,

00:49:04 and very considerate to come over and take care of me.

00:49:07 - Oh, do you really think I'm very charming?

00:49:10 I think you're very charming, too.

00:49:12 But, well, you're the only man

00:49:14 who doesn't pay any attention to me, and I don't like it.

00:49:17 - Oh, but I do pay attention to you, Frosty.

00:49:19 You make it impossible to overlook your many qualities.

00:49:21 But you see, you represent the fine arts.

00:49:24 I am a man of science.

00:49:27 - Oh, it sounds beautiful, and kind of dull.

00:49:31 (phone buzzing)

00:49:34 Who's that?

00:49:35 (phone buzzing)

00:49:42 - How is Mr. Bottomley this evening?

00:49:44 - Oh, he's fine, fine.

00:49:45 - Would you show me to his room, please?

00:49:47 - He's in there.

00:49:48 But you can't go in there, he's sick.

00:49:51 - Oh.

00:49:52 Good evening.

00:49:58 I'm a present from the Billings, Montana,

00:50:00 Beauregard Bottomley Fan Club.

00:50:02 - What a charming, practical present.

00:50:06 - Well, they worried so much because of your illness

00:50:09 that I, well, here I am.

00:50:12 My name is Flame O'Neil.

00:50:14 - Slick chick.

00:50:15 - Oh, thank you.

00:50:16 Oh.

00:50:17 (Flame squeaking)

00:50:20 - You know, it will be difficult to express my appreciation

00:50:27 to you and to the fan club,

00:50:29 but there's nothing seriously wrong with me.

00:50:33 - Your pulse is rather rapid.

00:50:34 And since it's my responsibility to see to it

00:50:38 that you recover, I intend to see that you do.

00:50:41 Recover.

00:50:43 - Oh, but I assure you,

00:50:44 I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself.

00:50:46 - What's your name, dear?

00:50:50 - Frosty.

00:50:51 - Good night, Frosty.

00:50:52 - She's a very good friend.

00:50:54 - How nice.

00:50:55 But it is getting late and the Sandman will soon be here.

00:50:58 - Your nurse.

00:51:00 - She's charming.

00:51:01 (door knocking)

00:51:02 (bird chirping)

00:51:06 (light orchestral music)

00:51:09 - You know, I'm sure there must be a great many people

00:51:15 elsewhere who need your assistance.

00:51:17 I never go to sleep before midnight.

00:51:19 - You don't usually have a cold before midnight either,

00:51:21 do you?

00:51:21 - And I always read myself to sleep.

00:51:27 - Now, don't be a difficult little woman.

00:51:30 Oh, yes.

00:51:32 The new Schlesinger book,

00:51:33 "With Mind Through Darkest Matter."

00:51:36 Interesting, but somewhat violent.

00:51:38 - You've read that book?

00:51:40 - You're not the only one who reads these books,

00:51:42 Mr. Bottomley.

00:51:43 You have to go to bed now too.

00:51:47 - I take it you don't agree with Schlesinger.

00:51:56 - Oh, I share his opinion that mind can influence matter.

00:52:00 But I find it very difficult to go along with the theory

00:52:02 that in the future we may be able to move concrete objects

00:52:05 such as chairs and tables by sheer force of will.

00:52:08 - Oh, yes, I agree with you.

00:52:10 And Schlesinger has a tendency to go overboard.

00:52:12 However, from the philosophical approach, you-

00:52:14 - Let's dispense with Mr. Schlesinger

00:52:15 and tuck him in for the night too, shall we?

00:52:18 - I'm afraid we've no room for you here.

00:52:27 - Anytime you need me, don't hesitate to call me.

00:52:30 (doorbell rings)

00:52:31 Pleasant dreams.

00:52:32 - Really?

00:52:36 Pleasant dreams indeed.

00:52:38 No intention of dreaming.

00:52:41 No intention of sleeping.

00:52:44 What on earth is she doing out there?

00:52:48 And where's Gwen?

00:52:51 Why am I tucked in?

00:52:53 I loathe being tucked in.

00:52:58 (laughing)

00:53:00 You can be stuffed, you know.

00:53:01 Flame O'Neil.

00:53:07 Attractive.

00:53:10 Charming.

00:53:13 Very well informed.

00:53:16 Schlesinger.

00:53:19 However, I wish to read

00:53:26 I shall read.

00:53:27 (gentle music)

00:53:41 (gentle music)

00:53:43 - Are you going to sleep here?

00:54:06 - Naturally.

00:54:10 (laughing)

00:54:13 (woman singing)

00:54:17 - Quiet, Caesar.

00:54:18 You know what you were saying about Schlesinger?

00:54:26 I wonder about your opinion of his theory of

00:54:31 thought spasms.

00:54:33 You sleep.

00:54:40 You sleep.

00:54:41 - Are you asleep?

00:54:44 (whistling)

00:54:46 Would you please put out the light?

00:54:57 - Sorry, I thought you were asleep.

00:55:00 - I'm not.

00:55:01 I would like to be, but I'm not.

00:55:02 - Sorry.

00:55:05 (gentle music)

00:55:07 (sneezing)

00:55:16 - Why didn't you call me?

00:55:34 That's why I'm here.

00:55:35 But did you want some water?

00:55:36 - Well, I...

00:55:37 - You aren't really thirsty, are you?

00:55:44 - No, I'm afraid I'm not.

00:55:46 - You're such a child.

00:55:48 But that's only natural, I suppose.

00:55:50 Great men seem to preserve this quality.

00:55:52 What is it that really bothers you?

00:55:56 - I don't know.

00:55:58 Or perhaps, as a bachelor,

00:55:59 I'm simply not used to a charming woman sharing my--

00:56:02 - Try not to think of me as a woman.

00:56:04 Think of me as a nurse.

00:56:06 - Of course.

00:56:08 It's less than you thought, Blanca.

00:56:12 - Good night, Mr. Bottleman.

00:56:21 - Good night, nurse.

00:56:32 - Would you mind putting out the light, please?

00:56:34 - Oh, yes, certainly.

00:56:36 (chickens clucking)

00:57:01 (chickens clucking)

00:57:04 - What are you laughing at?

00:57:18 - Nothing.

00:57:19 (chickens clucking)

00:57:23 - Something I said or did, perhaps?

00:57:29 - No, it was nothing, really.

00:57:31 Nothing at all.

00:57:32 (laughing)

00:57:35 - Yes, but one doesn't laugh at nothing, does one?

00:57:39 What I mean is, does one?

00:57:43 - But I just happened to think of something

00:57:45 that struck me as funny.

00:57:47 - Of what?

00:57:48 - Oh, I couldn't tell you, really, I couldn't.

00:57:52 (laughing)

00:57:54 (laughing)

00:57:57 (laughing)

00:58:16 (chattering)

00:58:23 - I think that you're probably...

00:58:25 - Oh.

00:58:26 - Flame, may I ask you a question?

00:58:30 - Yes.

00:58:31 - Three nights ago, when you entered my life

00:58:33 on the wings of mercy, you laughed before you went to sleep.

00:58:37 Why?

00:58:38 - Oh, I couldn't possibly, Paddy.

00:58:40 - Well, at least have the decency to tell me one thing.

00:58:42 Did it concern me?

00:58:43 - Yes.

00:58:44 Beauregard, my conscience is bothering me.

00:58:49 - Why?

00:58:51 - Well, now that your health is completely restored,

00:58:53 I consider it unethical to remain any longer

00:58:55 in the employ of the Billings Montana

00:58:56 Beauregard Bottomley Fan Club.

00:58:58 - Yes, but I still don't feel right.

00:58:59 You know, when I turn abruptly, my back...

00:59:01 - Beauregard.

00:59:02 - Can I have a drink of water?

00:59:03 - Just a...

00:59:04 Oh, yes.

00:59:05 There we are.

00:59:08 - Beauregard, this is our last day.

00:59:13 - Last day?

00:59:14 Well, it may be our last day as patient and nurse,

00:59:16 but can't we see each other when we're healthy?

00:59:20 - Oh, but of course.

00:59:21 I rather hope we'd see each other from time to time.

00:59:24 I would miss terribly the brilliance

00:59:26 of your wonderful mind.

00:59:28 - I know, but isn't there something else

00:59:29 about me you might miss?

00:59:30 What I mean is, I admire your mind too,

00:59:33 but it doesn't stop there.

00:59:37 - What is it actually that you mean, Beauregard?

00:59:40 - Can I have a drink of water?

00:59:42 - Well, what I mean...

00:59:44 No, darling.

00:59:45 Gunganin is tired.

00:59:47 Run along.

00:59:48 Shall we run along too?

00:59:50 (birds chirping)

00:59:53 - May I help you?

00:59:54 - Thanks, Daddy.

00:59:56 - Flame, I'm a little inarticulate

01:00:00 when it comes to this sort of thing,

01:00:01 but would you have dinner with me

01:00:04 tomorrow night at my place?

01:00:06 - I'd love to.

01:00:06 Now it's time for your acetylsalicylic acid.

01:00:10 (birds chirping)

01:00:12 - Going out?

01:00:22 - Well, I didn't get my invitation

01:00:23 in the mail this morning,

01:00:25 so I decided I'd better make other arrangements.

01:00:27 I have a date with Abbey Holton.

01:00:28 Any objections?

01:00:29 - Yeah, many objections,

01:00:30 but it's silly to repeat them.

01:00:32 If you must make a fool of yourself, go ahead.

01:00:34 Make a fool of yourself.

01:00:37 - You know, dear.

01:00:37 (bird chirping)

01:00:38 - Oh, sorry.

01:00:39 I'm much more generous than you are, glory God.

01:00:42 I don't object to you making a fool of yourself.

01:00:45 - Are you comparing my friendship with Flame

01:00:47 with your giddy infatuation for Happy Hogan?

01:00:50 - I am.

01:00:51 - Well, let me tell you.

01:00:52 Comparison is odious and extremely distasteful to me.

01:00:56 Hogan is a wise, cracking, treacherous moron.

01:01:00 Flame is a charming, cultivated, lovely lady.

01:01:04 - I doubt her cultivation,

01:01:07 and I'm a little wary of the lady's charm.

01:01:10 And the rather old routine of the invalid

01:01:12 falling in love with the nurse

01:01:14 must seem a little corny even to you, glory God.

01:01:17 But who cares?

01:01:19 Everybody has to make a few mistakes in this world,

01:01:21 and it's nice to see that you've gotten around

01:01:23 to making a few yourself.

01:01:25 Good night.

01:01:27 (bird chirping)

01:01:30 - Now, we mustn't be too critical of Gwen, Caesar.

01:01:36 When people fall in love,

01:01:37 they often act a little foolishly.

01:01:41 (dramatic music)

01:01:43 (dramatic music)

01:02:04 (dramatic music)

01:02:07 (bell ringing)

01:02:19 - I feel I can report a certain degree of success already.

01:02:25 I've managed to introduce a rather disorganized state

01:02:28 of pleasant chaos.

01:02:30 He is uncertain, puzzled,

01:02:34 upset, and bewildered.

01:02:36 - Of course, of course.

01:02:38 All of this has happened to me many times,

01:02:41 but it's such a lovely way to become bewildered.

01:02:44 Perhaps after all of this is over,

01:02:45 you and I can become confused together.

01:02:47 You're very lovely.

01:02:49 - Never mind that.

01:02:50 Tomorrow night, I plan to apply the coup de grace.

01:02:55 - Why not tonight?

01:02:56 - Because tonight I have a date with him.

01:03:00 I will not show up.

01:03:01 - Oh, gorgeous, gorgeous.

01:03:03 How beautifully nasty.

01:03:05 - He will not be able to reach me until tomorrow morning.

01:03:08 My explanation for breaking the date

01:03:10 will be vague and uneasy.

01:03:12 He will wonder whether I was out with another man.

01:03:15 I will allow him to wonder.

01:03:18 He will become angry,

01:03:19 and he will have to ask my forgiveness for being angry.

01:03:22 And then, why am I telling you all this?

01:03:26 I'm sure you've been through it all many times.

01:03:29 - Yes. - Yes.

01:03:31 - My only regret is that I didn't think of it sooner.

01:03:34 Now Beauregard Bottomley will be pulled down

01:03:37 from his proud pinnacle and join the vast army of us men

01:03:41 who have been driven nuts by women.

01:03:43 - Where is she?

01:03:47 Why doesn't she?

01:03:48 (phone buzzing)

01:03:50 About time.

01:03:51 Darling, what happened?

01:03:54 - Nothing happened, honey.

01:03:58 (laughing)

01:04:00 - Ho, ho, ho.

01:04:02 - Would you mind explaining that ho, ho, ho?

01:04:07 - Ho, ho, ho means ho, ho, ho.

01:04:10 - Yes, I thought so, and I think it's rude, tactless,

01:04:12 and thoroughly suggestive.

01:04:14 You're the last man in the world

01:04:16 I would have expected to be indiscreet.

01:04:18 - I begin to get the picture now, stood up, huh?

01:04:20 - Right, Gerald.

01:04:27 Forgive my bad manners.

01:04:28 Excuse me, just a moment.

01:04:31 Had your dinner?

01:04:38 - Yes.

01:04:39 - Care for another?

01:04:43 - Yes.

01:04:45 - Sit down.

01:04:48 (phone ringing)

01:04:55 - Hello?

01:04:56 - Flame, where have you been?

01:04:58 What happened to you?

01:05:00 - Why should anything happen to me?

01:05:02 I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

01:05:04 - May I remind you that we had a date for yesterday evening?

01:05:07 - We had not.

01:05:08 We have a date for tonight.

01:05:10 - We had a date for last night.

01:05:12 I remember distinctly.

01:05:14 - Well, even if I did make a mistake,

01:05:15 there's no reason for you to raise your voice.

01:05:18 Why didn't you call me?

01:05:20 I was at home all evening.

01:05:21 - I called you 53 times.

01:05:27 - Maybe I was in the shower.

01:05:28 - The 53 times I called you

01:05:31 were scattered between 8, 10, and 12, 15.

01:05:33 - Well, I hope you don't think

01:05:34 I was in the shower for four hours.

01:05:36 - Of course not.

01:05:37 - But you just said so.

01:05:39 - I did not.

01:05:40 - I am never in the shower more than five minutes.

01:05:45 Maybe you called the wrong number.

01:05:48 - That I consider an insult.

01:05:53 - Flame, I really didn't mean to hurt you, darling.

01:05:56 Oh, I beg of you.

01:06:01 I implore you to stop crying.

01:06:03 - All I did was try to suggest an explanation,

01:06:08 and you bit my head off.

01:06:10 - I'm awfully sorry.

01:06:13 Look, I'll be seeing you tonight, won't I, Flame?

01:06:20 I want you to be with me at the broadcast.

01:06:23 Maybe it's better that we don't see each other anymore.

01:06:26 Our relationship was such a beautiful thing.

01:06:30 If one little misunderstanding can create such chaos.

01:06:35 - Would it be so easy for you, Flame,

01:06:37 not to see me anymore?

01:06:39 It wouldn't be for me, I assure you.

01:06:41 - You know it wouldn't be for me either.

01:06:43 Be here at eight,

01:06:46 and don't let's talk about yesterday anymore.

01:06:48 - Oh, it's awfully sweet of you to forgive me.

01:06:51 - And please, don't cry anymore.

01:06:54 Goodbye.

01:06:57 - Five minutes in the shower.

01:07:02 I called for four hours.

01:07:07 Women.

01:07:21 All right, let's forget the shower for the time being.

01:07:24 One very good reason not to answer the phone

01:07:31 is that you don't hear it.

01:07:34 When, I ask you, don't you hear the telephone?

01:07:40 For example, when it's out of order.

01:07:44 But the operator said it's in excellent condition.

01:07:51 - No, there's no explanation that I can find.

01:07:56 Except, of course, that you don't hear the telephone

01:08:00 when you're not at home.

01:08:01 - I'll buy that.

01:08:03 (laughing)

01:08:05 (light orchestral music)

01:08:11 (light orchestral music)

01:08:14 (light orchestral music)

01:08:42 - Hmm, come in, darling, come in.

01:08:44 - I thought perhaps you'd like a--

01:08:46 - Oh, thank you so much, how sweet of you.

01:08:50 I like this so much better than cut flowers.

01:08:52 They wilt so fast that one has to throw them away

01:08:54 and there's nothing left.

01:08:55 Sit down, darling, I'll pour you a lovely martini.

01:08:58 - Of course, I don't usually drink before the program,

01:09:02 but tonight, perhaps.

01:09:03 - Oh, no!

01:09:04 I forgot the program.

01:09:07 Your mind must be crystal clear.

01:09:09 - Yes, tonight I think I need one.

01:09:12 - You shouldn't.

01:09:12 - I...

01:09:13 Flame, I'm a very confused man.

01:09:19 Last night, I thought that--

01:09:20 - We promised each other, Beauregard,

01:09:22 not to talk about last night again, didn't we?

01:09:24 And we won't.

01:09:25 Except that I want you to know I'm terribly sorry

01:09:27 I mixed up our date.

01:09:28 - No, it must have been I who caused the mix up.

01:09:30 In fact, I know it was.

01:09:32 - Beauregard, is it because of me that you're confused?

01:09:37 - Flame.

01:09:40 - No, you mustn't.

01:09:41 - Why mustn't I?

01:09:42 - Because it's so late and I'll get my things

01:09:45 and be right back.

01:09:46 Excuse me.

01:09:47 - How lovely you are, Stephen.

01:10:09 Oh, Beauregard, if you're worried about those roses,

01:10:11 please don't be.

01:10:13 They come from a very dear old friend of mine,

01:10:15 a Dr. Stephen Blandon.

01:10:17 He must be at least 70 years old.

01:10:19 - Very well preserved, 70.

01:10:29 - You know, Beauregard, I'm fond of you.

01:10:36 Very fond.

01:10:37 - Aren't you glad to hear that?

01:10:39 - Very.

01:10:40 - I've been looking for perfection

01:10:48 in the same way that you have,

01:10:49 and now at last I've found it.

01:10:51 - Well, of course, perfection is somewhat of an illusion.

01:10:54 And recently I found some weaknesses in my structure.

01:10:58 - I'd hoped I was the only one.

01:11:00 - Oh, my dear, against you, of course,

01:11:02 I'm utterly helpless, but...

01:11:05 As a matter of fact, once before I...

01:11:09 I...

01:11:10 - Another woman?

01:11:11 - Oh, quite to the contrary.

01:11:13 Albert Einstein was responsible for it.

01:11:15 - Albert Einstein?

01:11:17 - Yes.

01:11:18 I couldn't master his space-time continuum theories.

01:11:22 Drove me to the brink of a breakdown.

01:11:24 - But of course you mastered it.

01:11:26 - Not quite, my dear.

01:11:28 Not quite.

01:11:34 (fire crackling)

01:11:37 - You like it?

01:11:41 - Ah, the Greeks had a word for all this,

01:11:43 but I can't quite remember it.

01:11:45 - Don't, Beauregard, don't let's spoil it.

01:11:48 - Let's spoil it a little, huh?

01:11:49 Shall we?

01:11:50 - No.

01:11:52 No.

01:11:53 It's all too late.

01:11:55 - What do you mean, Flame?

01:11:57 Is there something you want to tell me?

01:11:59 - What could I possibly want to tell you?

01:12:02 (fire crackling)

01:12:05 (Flame crying)

01:12:07 - Flame!

01:12:07 Flame!

01:12:10 (Flame crying)

01:12:13 (wind howling)

01:12:16 - Oh, my poor, poor darling.

01:12:30 - Here, baby, please.

01:12:31 (fire crackling)

01:12:33 - That was a close one.

01:12:36 - What's the difference?

01:12:38 You're not interested in what I have to say.

01:12:40 (tires screeching)

01:12:43 - Are you in love with this, Stephen?

01:12:47 - Love?

01:12:48 (Flame laughing)

01:12:49 For normal people.

01:12:50 - Flame, what are you talking about?

01:12:52 - I can't tell you, because if I tell you, I'd lose you,

01:12:54 and I can't afford to lose you.

01:12:56 - I hope you don't!

01:12:57 - Oh.

01:12:58 (car engine rumbling)

01:13:01 - For heaven's sake, what's the matter with you?

01:13:16 - What should be the matter with me?

01:13:17 Am I cross-eyed or something?

01:13:19 I wish you wouldn't make me nervous.

01:13:20 - It was nothing, really, just a little misunderstanding.

01:13:23 - Oh.

01:13:24 - Would you please introduce me to this gentleman?

01:13:26 - Oh, yes, Miss O'Neil, Mr. Hogan.

01:13:28 - Beauregard.

01:13:28 - What?

01:13:29 - Flame, this is not Abbie Hogan, it is Mr. Waters.

01:13:32 - Oh.

01:13:33 How do you do?

01:13:35 - Very well, I'm sure.

01:13:36 Will you excuse me, please?

01:13:39 This is the payoff, this is the end of Beauregard.

01:13:46 Bottomly, tonight, you and I will celebrate.

01:13:47 I'll drink champagne out of your typewriter.

01:13:50 - I'm so sorry,

01:13:55 but here are six cakes of my lady's soap,

01:13:59 the soap that sanctifies.

01:14:01 Good night.

01:14:02 (audience applauding)

01:14:05 - Hello.

01:14:06 Oh, you must be Flame,

01:14:08 any relative of Mr. and Mrs. Blaze at Fire Island?

01:14:11 - Why, Beauregard, why have you told me

01:14:13 all those nasty things about Hogan?

01:14:14 I think he's terribly attractive.

01:14:16 - Of course I am.

01:14:18 Used to call me Gorgeous Hogan when I was wrestling.

01:14:20 - Really?

01:14:21 - Stick around, kid, I'll be back for more of the same.

01:14:25 - That exhibition was disgraceful.

01:14:26 - But I can't help myself, I tell you, I can't help myself.

01:14:29 It's stronger than I.

01:14:31 I lied to you, I had a date with you, I knew it,

01:14:34 but I had to break it.

01:14:35 I couldn't help myself because Stephen is just like Hogan.

01:14:38 - What is Hogan?

01:14:39 - Hogan is just like Bill.

01:14:41 And Bill is just like Jim.

01:14:43 And Jim.

01:14:43 - Shh, quiet, quiet.

01:14:45 - I'm like honey in their hands.

01:14:47 These men.

01:14:48 - Beauregard, quiet.

01:14:49 - Handsome, brutal, devil may care.

01:14:53 ♪ My lady, my lady, my lady, my lady, my lady, my lady ♪

01:14:58 - Beauregard.

01:14:59 ♪ You're such a fine ♪

01:15:02 - Ladies and gentlemen, this is it.

01:15:04 The moment you've all been waiting for.

01:15:06 All over America, streets are deserted as radio sets,

01:15:09 television consoles, and theater screens

01:15:11 are flashing this program from coast to coast.

01:15:14 By shortwave radio, all the world is waiting

01:15:16 for these next few seconds

01:15:18 when Beauregard Bottomley will be shooting

01:15:20 for the unbelievable sum of $20 million or nothing.

01:15:25 - Hurry, Beauregard.

01:15:35 Beauregard, they're waiting for you on the show.

01:15:38 - What show?

01:15:39 Oh yeah, yes, of course.

01:15:41 Who's that girl?

01:15:45 I've seen her before somewhere.

01:15:45 - Oh, God.

01:15:47 (dramatic music)

01:15:50 - I can't hear you unless you stop the music.

01:16:03 - Stop the music?

01:16:04 You got the wrong program, bud.

01:16:06 Say, do you feel all right?

01:16:08 - Oh yes, fine, thank you.

01:16:10 You?

01:16:11 - Well, here we go.

01:16:12 Are you ready?

01:16:15 - Hey, I said, are you ready?

01:16:16 - What, oh yes, I remember.

01:16:18 I think so.

01:16:20 - Here it is.

01:16:21 How does Einstein regard the space-time continuum?

01:16:27 Well, we're running out of time.

01:16:39 You wanna make a stab at it?

01:16:44 You have just five seconds.

01:16:46 Come on and try it.

01:16:48 One, two, three, four.

01:16:53 - He imagines the continuum to be cylindrical

01:16:57 as regards its extension in time,

01:17:00 but spherical as regards its extension in space

01:17:06 so that cross-sections at different instants

01:17:12 always give a spherical universe of constant size

01:17:16 and so of constant mass.

01:17:18 - I'm sorry, but that's incorrect.

01:17:25 (audience exclaiming)

01:17:27 - Oh, it's mine.

01:17:29 Oh, mine, as far as the eye can see.

01:17:33 - Tough luck, old man.

01:17:36 But anyway, here are six cakes of my lady's soap.

01:17:40 (audience chattering)

01:17:43 - I was almost sure that was the right answer.

01:17:48 (audience cheering)

01:17:53 - Oh, Walter.

01:17:56 - Where's Flame?

01:18:01 Gone, I suppose.

01:18:02 - Full regard.

01:18:07 I'm awfully sorry, really I am.

01:18:09 Listen to them yelling for you.

01:18:11 They want you out here.

01:18:12 Come on. - No, no, no.

01:18:13 - Do this for me, please.

01:18:14 You must do it.

01:18:15 (audience cheering)

01:18:20 (phone ringing)

01:18:23 - Hello?

01:18:26 What?

01:18:27 Princeton, New Jersey?

01:18:29 Who's calling?

01:18:30 Oh, yes, Professor Einstein for Happy Hogan.

01:18:32 Have this switched to the stage phone.

01:18:35 (phone clattering)

01:18:38 - Einstein!

01:18:42 (Happy gasping)

01:18:43 What does he want?

01:18:44 - Important call for you, Happy.

01:18:46 - Hello, Happy Hogan speaking.

01:18:49 Yes, sir.

01:18:50 - Who?

01:18:52 Oh.

01:18:54 - Yes, sir.

01:18:55 - Yes.

01:18:56 - Yes, sir.

01:18:58 Yes, sir.

01:19:00 We will, sir.

01:19:01 - Thank you very much, Professor Einstein.

01:19:04 - Is it bad?

01:19:09 - Everything that comes from Einstein is relative.

01:19:11 Bad for you, good for full regard.

01:19:15 Your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen.

01:19:17 Professor Einstein has just called from Princeton

01:19:20 to tell us that full regard Bottomley's answer was correct.

01:19:24 (audience cheering)

01:19:28 (upbeat music)

01:19:30 - I have never seen anything like this at all

01:19:42 by years and radio, hundreds of minutes.

01:19:45 (audience applauding)

01:19:48 (phone ringing)

01:19:51 (phone ringing)

01:20:11 - Hello?

01:20:13 Oh, hello, Mr. Waters.

01:20:15 Who called?

01:20:17 Oh, then you mean Beauregard is still...

01:20:19 Oh, I'm so glad.

01:20:21 (doorbell ringing)

01:20:23 Just a minute, there's somebody at the door.

01:20:25 Beauregard!

01:20:31 If you'd only give me a chance to explain, I...

01:20:38 (dramatic music)

01:20:41 Beauregard, you don't really mean it.

01:21:05 Beauregard, you don't really mean it.

01:21:09 I'm...

01:21:09 (laughing)

01:21:12 (screaming)

01:21:16 - Somebody's killing her.

01:21:17 (screaming)

01:21:19 She's killing somebody.

01:21:21 (screaming)

01:21:22 Maybe somebody in here killing somebody else.

01:21:25 - Miss O'Neil is having Bottomley trouble.

01:21:32 Sit down.

01:21:35 - Instead of sitting, may I lean?

01:21:37 - Certainly.

01:21:37 Now, there is no Stephen, is there?

01:21:42 And you bought the roses for yourself.

01:21:44 You are not neurotic, spellbound,

01:21:46 in the grip of brutal men.

01:21:47 - Only one.

01:21:50 - Yes, well, never mind that.

01:21:52 I must congratulate you.

01:21:53 To destroy me with such beautiful torture

01:21:56 showed real genius.

01:21:57 - Well, it was Waters' idea originally.

01:21:59 - Ah, but the execution was exquisite.

01:22:01 - Thank you, Beauregard.

01:22:03 I did the worst I could.

01:22:04 - Yes, I'm sure you did.

01:22:06 I remember the night you arrived.

01:22:08 - When I laughed in my sleep.

01:22:09 - Yes, it twisted my mind.

01:22:11 - It was effective, wasn't it?

01:22:12 - It was delicious agony.

01:22:14 Were you also pretending when I kissed you?

01:22:16 - Oh, you're wonderful, Beauregard.

01:22:24 I'm ashamed of myself.

01:22:26 - Yes, you ought to be, definitely.

01:22:29 But, you know, to be frank,

01:22:34 I should be a little ashamed, too.

01:22:36 - Why?

01:22:37 - Well, because I tricked you just as you tricked me.

01:22:40 You see, I became a little suspicious.

01:22:42 Your timing was too good, your scenes too perfect.

01:22:45 - Is that so?

01:22:46 - Yes, and your confessions too pat.

01:22:47 - You mean to say I didn't drive you mad?

01:22:49 - Oh, yes, yes, of course you did.

01:22:50 I fell in love with you madly, despite my suspicions.

01:22:53 But, nevertheless, I...

01:22:55 - Beauregard, do you mean that you purposely let me know

01:23:00 about your weaknesses for Einstein's theories?

01:23:03 - It just so happens, my dear,

01:23:04 that I spent an entire season with Einstein,

01:23:07 working my way through a maze of logarithms.

01:23:10 I love you.

01:23:11 - That's just one of the most dishonest things

01:23:13 I ever heard of in my whole life.

01:23:15 I don't know whether I shall ever forgive you.

01:23:17 - Why did this have to happen to me?

01:23:23 I'm a good man.

01:23:25 You know what they called me in college?

01:23:27 Sky blue waters.

01:23:29 - That's right.

01:23:32 - No, that's not right.

01:23:34 They called me dirty waters, and they were right.

01:23:37 Dirty waters.

01:23:40 That's why I went into the soap business.

01:23:44 - But he hasn't won yet.

01:23:45 You've still got a week to go.

01:23:47 - Yes, you're right, my dear.

01:23:48 You're absolutely right.

01:23:49 One long week of misery.

01:23:52 - Well, there's so little you can do, Mr. Waters.

01:23:54 - Yes, yes, but I can go down in a blaze of glory.

01:24:00 Like Hamlet sought the poison dagger.

01:24:03 Like Mark Antony fell upon his sword.

01:24:06 I too will seek oblivion.

01:24:08 Next week's show will be the last show for everything.

01:24:11 $40 million.

01:24:12 Book the Hollywood Bowl.

01:24:15 Thousands and thousands of people.

01:24:17 Fanfare and pageantry.

01:24:19 The Twilight of the Gods.

01:24:20 Valhalla.

01:24:21 And then like Romeo and Juliet,

01:24:24 you and I will die together.

01:24:27 - You're nuts.

01:24:29 (woman screams)

01:24:32 - Well, well.

01:24:53 Come right in.

01:24:55 How is everything?

01:24:59 - Oh, perhaps I should say, how will everything be?

01:25:02 - Mr. Bottomley, I know that you're a non-believer.

01:25:05 Nevertheless, I must warn you about the future.

01:25:07 - I'd appreciate it much more

01:25:09 if you'd tell me something about Caesar's past.

01:25:11 - Please listen to him, Beauregard.

01:25:13 He's really wonderful.

01:25:14 And he's so upset about what he saw on the crystal ball.

01:25:17 - Indeed I am.

01:25:18 To begin with, there will be an unusual turn of events.

01:25:20 - That is correct.

01:25:21 And furthermore-

01:25:22 - There will be trouble in the family.

01:25:23 - That's right.

01:25:24 - But all these difficulties will be finally overcome.

01:25:27 - No, they will not, Mr. Bottomley.

01:25:29 Not only that, you will not answer the last question.

01:25:33 - My dear medium, your crystal ball

01:25:38 needs a new windshield wiper.

01:25:39 - Have you ever been a bridesmaid, Frosty?

01:25:44 You and Happy Hogan are going to be married.

01:25:47 I'm so happy.

01:25:49 - Yes, trusty.

01:25:56 - I don't blame you for crying, my dear.

01:25:58 - Please, Beauregard, try and see this my way.

01:26:03 - Gwen, I haven't racked my brains

01:26:05 and tortured my mind to drive Hogan off the air

01:26:08 only to wind up with him at home.

01:26:09 - You don't have to live with us, Beauregard.

01:26:12 - You'll have difficulty living with yourself.

01:26:15 Hogan didn't ask you to become his wife

01:26:17 without being sure he married into a $40 million family.

01:26:20 And when did he suggest the wedding should take place?

01:26:24 - Before or after the Hollywood Bowl?

01:26:27 - The day after.

01:26:28 (dramatic music)

01:26:36 - Hello, Happy, this is Gwen.

01:26:47 Darling, I feel the same way.

01:26:52 And there's really no sense in our waiting.

01:26:54 Let's get married right away.

01:26:55 Let's go to Las Vegas now, right now.

01:26:57 Oh, I see.

01:27:03 All right, we'll wait if that's the way you want it.

01:27:08 I know you're busy, darling, it's just that I...

01:27:13 What isn't important, really.

01:27:16 No, we'll wait, darling.

01:27:21 - Bye-bye.

01:27:22 - Any questions?

01:27:29 Oh, Gwen, there's no reason to be unhappy.

01:27:35 You'll have everything you want.

01:27:36 - The only thing I want in the world is Happy Hogan.

01:27:39 - I know, but you will discover

01:27:41 many new and beautiful things.

01:27:43 You'll be able to travel.

01:27:46 You'll be able to travel all over the world if you wish.

01:27:49 And when you come back,

01:27:53 I know you're going to be very happy

01:27:55 living with Flame and me.

01:27:58 - Flame?

01:28:01 - Yes, Gwen.

01:28:03 She has promised to be Mrs. Beauregard Ottomley.

01:28:07 - Are you out of your mind?

01:28:09 - She's explained everything.

01:28:11 - And you fell for it.

01:28:13 - I'm not a fool.

01:28:14 I'm not a fool.

01:28:15 - And you fell for that like a nincompoop,

01:28:19 that female Benedict Arnold.

01:28:22 - I resent that.

01:28:24 I resent your calling me a nincompoop.

01:28:26 - When did she suggest that the wedding should take place?

01:28:30 Before or after the ball?

01:28:44 - Hello, darling.

01:28:45 Hello.

01:28:46 Yes, of course I love you.

01:28:49 So much so that I will be at your house

01:28:51 in approximately 46 minutes.

01:28:53 We will then motor to Las Vegas.

01:28:55 We will arrive at dawn,

01:28:56 and by the time we've had breakfast,

01:28:58 we will be husband and wife.

01:28:59 True, sir.

01:29:08 Fittings.

01:29:11 Wedding gown.

01:29:14 (dramatic music)

01:29:17 Oh, yes, yes, yes.

01:29:27 I see.

01:29:29 Oh, well then I guess we just have to wait.

01:29:33 Goodbye, dear.

01:29:36 (door slams)

01:29:40 (dramatic music)

01:29:43 (dramatic music)

01:29:45 (dramatic music)

01:29:48 (dramatic music)

01:29:51 (sobs)

01:30:09 (waves crashing)

01:30:18 (people chattering)

01:30:21 (dramatic music)

01:30:42 (man screams)

01:30:45 - Why, you thief!

01:30:46 (dramatic music)

01:30:49 - There he goes!

01:30:57 - Step, step in!

01:30:58 Step in, before he--

01:30:59 (crowd cheering)

01:31:02 (whistles blowing)

01:31:10 (dramatic music)

01:31:13 - Step aside.

01:31:27 What are you people doing?

01:31:28 You shouldn't be here.

01:31:29 The show's going on.

01:31:30 - This way, Mr. Bonner.

01:31:32 - Thank you.

01:31:33 How do you do?

01:31:36 - In your case, quite well.

01:31:38 You've been following me around for a very long time.

01:31:41 To put it bluntly, Mr. Bottomley, you belong to us now.

01:31:44 - I belong?

01:31:46 Would you mind telling me who you people are?

01:31:47 - Department of Internal Revenue.

01:31:49 You know, income tax.

01:31:51 - Oh, yes.

01:31:52 - Oh, yes.

01:31:53 (laughs)

01:31:54 Yes.

01:31:54 - We thought you were gangsters.

01:31:56 - Yes, that's right.

01:31:57 - What's up?

01:31:57 How much of him belongs to you?

01:32:00 - Let's say that Mr. Bottomley's in the battleship class.

01:32:03 - Oh.

01:32:04 - Let us know when you pick up the money, won't you?

01:32:06 - Why not stay and pick it up for me?

01:32:08 - We practically will.

01:32:09 Well, good luck to us.

01:32:10 - Yeah.

01:32:11 - Good luck to us, too.

01:32:12 - It means an awful lot to you,

01:32:14 whether I win or lose, doesn't it?

01:32:16 - Of course, darling.

01:32:17 Think how $40 million will look in our pinky bag.

01:32:19 - Yes, indeed it will.

01:32:21 (dramatic music)

01:32:23 - Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure at this time

01:32:36 to present a man you all know, you all love,

01:32:40 and you all laugh with.

01:32:42 I mean none other than Happy Hogan.

01:32:45 (audience applauds)

01:32:48 Thank you, thank you, thank you,

01:32:59 and good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

01:33:01 The historic event is about to begin.

01:33:05 It looks like closing night for Masquerade for Money.

01:33:09 I would sincerely like to know

01:33:10 who my next sponsor is going to be, if any.

01:33:12 (audience laughs)

01:33:15 However, I have a sponsor, at least for the next half hour,

01:33:19 and I'd like to present him to you now.

01:33:21 The captain of our stricken barque, a self-made man,

01:33:25 a man who arrived in Los Angeles as a barefoot boy,

01:33:28 and has a good chance of leaving tomorrow morning

01:33:32 as a barefoot man, Burnbridge Waters.

01:33:36 (dramatic music)

01:33:38 May the best man lose.

01:33:50 (audience laughs)

01:33:53 (dramatic music)

01:33:56 And finally, here he is, the man of the hour,

01:34:12 the man of the year, the man of the century,

01:34:15 the man who knows everything, Super Brain Bottomley.

01:34:18 (audience cheers)

01:34:21 (dramatic music)

01:34:24 - Beauregard, in one moment, you will be asked a question,

01:34:35 the answer to which will determine

01:34:37 whether you are worth $40 million or nothing.

01:34:41 Of course, you can still take your $20 million and go home.

01:34:48 - No thank you.

01:34:50 - Are you ready?

01:34:51 - Quite ready.

01:34:52 - Do you have your wallet with you?

01:35:00 May I have it?

01:35:02 Here is your question.

01:35:11 Beauregard Bottomley, what is your social security number?

01:35:19 - Why, of course, nothing could be simpler.

01:35:23 My social security number is 452-1...

01:35:27 (dramatic music)

01:35:30 No, wait a moment, 542.

01:35:36 No, no, 245, that's right, 245-17-6012.

01:35:41 - That is absolutely wrong.

01:35:49 (dramatic music)

01:35:51 - Well, it looks as though you were right.

01:36:09 - Mm-hmm.

01:36:10 - Looks as though I was right too.

01:36:14 - Mm-hmm.

01:36:15 - Oh, you're horrible!

01:36:16 An hour ago, you lost $40 million.

01:36:19 Flame certainly left in a hurry.

01:36:21 - I consider it one of the greatest virtues

01:36:23 to take defeat with dignity.

01:36:25 (alarm buzzing)

01:36:27 - Good evening, good evening.

01:36:30 - What's this?

01:36:31 - Champagne.

01:36:32 - Champagne for Caesar.

01:36:33 - The beginning of a lifelong supply.

01:36:36 (bird squawking)

01:36:37 - Dirty water!

01:36:39 - Good heavens, where have you been?

01:36:41 (bird squawking)

01:36:42 - Champagne!

01:36:43 - Oh, you lovely, lovely bird.

01:36:46 We were roommates in college together.

01:36:48 - So you're the one that taught him all these expressions.

01:36:51 (phone buzzing)

01:36:52 You...

01:36:53 - Happy!

01:36:55 - Oh, darling.

01:36:56 Aren't you gonna wish us good luck?

01:36:57 - Well, you're obnoxious,

01:36:59 but not quite as obnoxious as I thought you were.

01:37:01 - Hello?

01:37:06 - Flame.

01:37:09 - Darling, aren't you packed and ready?

01:37:13 If you don't hurry, we'll never have breakfast in Las Vegas.

01:37:15 - You don't know how ready I am.

01:37:18 - Oh, goodbye!

01:37:19 Let's get loaded!

01:37:24 - Don't worry, we will.

01:37:25 - Oh, whose? Yours?

01:37:30 - Ours.

01:37:31 - No!

01:37:33 Oh, by God, it's beautiful.

01:37:35 Why, where did it come from?

01:37:39 - A wedding gift.

01:37:40 From a very generous Burnbridge Waters.

01:37:42 - Generous?

01:37:44 Burnbridge Waters?

01:37:46 Those two don't quite seem to go together.

01:37:48 You know, I don't understand any of this at all.

01:37:56 - It's unbelievable, isn't it?

01:37:57 And this isn't all.

01:37:58 I have my own radio program,

01:38:00 a bit of stock,

01:38:01 and a few other small considerations.

01:38:04 - Did you make a deal with Dirty Waters?

01:38:07 Did you agree to answer the last question wrong on purpose?

01:38:12 Oh, darling, you did it all because of me, didn't you?

01:38:16 You wanted to find out if I really loved you.

01:38:18 Oh, you gorgeous fool!

01:38:21 - Gorgeous, yes, but I wasn't such a fool after all.

01:38:23 I must confess, I didn't know my social security number.

01:38:26 - No, really.

01:38:28 May I kiss you properly, darling?

01:38:29 I promise not to upset you.

01:38:31 - Well, that's hardly possible, my sweet,

01:38:32 but you can go ahead and try.

01:38:34 (car horn honking)

01:38:37 - What are these?

01:38:40 - Oh, books.

01:38:41 - What for?

01:38:43 - But I always read myself to sleep, darling.

01:38:45 Remember?

01:38:47 (laughing)

01:38:48 (upbeat music)

01:38:51 - Hi, Tate!

01:38:53 (upbeat music)

01:39:03 (upbeat music)

01:39:06 (upbeat music)

01:39:08 (upbeat music)

01:39:11 (upbeat music)

01:39:14 (upbeat music)

01:39:16 (upbeat music)

01:39:19 (upbeat music)

01:39:21 (upbeat music)

01:39:24 (upbeat music)

01:39:27 (upbeat music)

01:39:29 (dramatic music)

Champagne For Caesar

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