Charles Darwin
Charles "Monkey's Uncle" Darwin, Chuck D to close acquaintances, was born as a tadpole in the Northern Territory of Australia, slowly becoming a frog, a squirrel, a monkey, and a Neanderthal, before dying as a person. He is largely known for his theory that men and rednecks have a common ancestor from 5 million years ago called Chimpmen. Even less controversially, he suggested that monkeys descended from brutish humanoids known as Homo Erectus (lol, get it, erectus). Because of this, he is also known to be the starter of the war against religion and inspiring all atheists to choose him as the subject for their National History Day Project.
Darwin was one of the most famed aviators ever. Since childhood, Darwin had a deep desire to fly with the birds. Darwin spent the entire first half of his life flying here and there, while giving lectures criticizing Lamarckian Evolution. This made the incident where he inexplicably sprouted wings even more embarrassing. Darwin and Lamarck debated through the night amalgamating their theories, reaching agreement after a funny incident involving dice and genitalia.
While his scientific work dominated the rest of his life, he still found time to write The Descent of Man, a thrilling classic of Aviation literature describing a botched flight and a landing that went horribly wrong. It went on to sell forty thousand copies before being banned by the Catholic Church for containing detailed descriptions of how Christ and Mary Magdalene were a couple. He later rewrote his theory of Natural Selection to involve aliens, British Marines, and a really big Space Cow, before coding a mod for the game Half-Life.
But Darwin is better known for his second book, Dance Dance Evolution, and of course for his piercings, of which he had accumulated 1821 by the end of his too-brief life. Some philosophers argue that this is the only reason for which he was also called "The Neighbor of the Beast", but others claim this moniker was actually conceived because of the aviator's work as a bouncer at Iron Maiden's first concerts, and his subsequent founding of Mayhem, a band somewhat less known than his theories came to be.
Late in his life he underwent a dramatic rethink of many of his theories, going so far as to retitle one of his books, "My Theory of How Women are Obviously Descended From Monkeys" to "My Theory of How Women are Obviously Descended from a Spare Rib". This change of direction was scorned by the scientific community and his last book, 'How Logic is a Bit Poo but When You Write Things Down in old-fashioned English They Become Truth, Verily' proved to many that he had finally lost his marbles. It is said that on his deathbed that he confessed that his last book, which supported Creationism over Evolution was in fact fiction, and he made it all up as a very clever Troll on the Pope as a Straw man fallacy to discredit the book of Genesis in the Bible, and stop the Pope from excommunicating him from the church. It, of course, didn't work, and the Pope claimed that Darwin renounced the theory of Evolution and his last and final book proves it.
Darwin had a very short music career, he joined The Traveling Wilburys with Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Roy Orbison, Frank Sinatra, Chuck Berry, Noel Coward and Pepino di Caprio. He composed Tweeter and the Monkey Man. Obviously the Monkey Man, is a reference to his great book, There’s a Monkey inside you, don’t you know?
Darwin also propounded the theory of Intelligent Design, which states that mankind was created by George W Bush. Sadly, what was intended as a lighthearted joke has been embraced by many as serious fact and is now a popular theory, especially among Merkins. The original meaning of Intelligent Design has been warped, but original fans failed to see the inherent humor within the title. 'Intelligent' was clearly intended as a facetious remark, as it is known that George Bush is so superhumanly mentally equipped that the word intelligent is not nearly enough to describe his prowess.
Line of Darwin[edit]
Two dinosaurs were doing battle one day. The victor, or the strongest of the two, won and therefore was allowed to mate with Captain Likalottapus' daughter, the goddess of the pot leaf and horny lesbianism. 36 months later, Darwin was born. Because he was so intelligent, his penis was larger than that of a normal baby. There was no such thing as surgical intervention in those days and so the goddess had to perform an emergency anal birth instead of the more frequent vaginal birth. Darwin was able to speak at the early age of 6 minutes and it is reported that his first words were "Give me my food, you fucking bitch!" which became a basis of his Natural Selection Theory, he then had sex with His Mum which helped him develop his Theory of Evolution after he took a long trip to the Galapagos Islands (Known as a dumping grounds for God's animal rejects that didn't work out too well in the rest of the world so the angels gathered them up and dumped them on those cursed Galapagos Islands according to Christian Fundamentalists) in which Darwin had bestial sex with many of the animals and drew pictures of them for his books. (Note this was before the photo camera was invented.)
Darwin in Drag?[edit]
Darwin was a master of disguise. Born as a woman with one hairy boob, (s)he cleverly disguised it as a beard: the same beard we all know and love Darwin for today. (S)he also masqueraded as the Hound of the Baskervilles, the Phantom of the Opera, and Tinkey Winkey the Purple Tellytubby. If you go to Darwin's house, NEVER ask for a chocolate milkshake. If you do, NEVER ask why it's so hairy. If you do, NEVER ask why you must now 'assume the position'. If you do... well... you're fucked (quite literally).
'An Ode to Darwin' was P.B. Shelly's most lasting tribute to the manwoman. It goes something like this:
"Darwin, Darwin, with one large tit,
In any cup, it would not fit.
Comb it, trim it, make a beard,
It's the hairiest tit on Earth."
The Ode won several awards, including twelve Razzies and one Ignoble Prize. Though it was later discovered that there was another half to this loving tribute but no one has been able to decode it as it can only be read by a straight french man.
Darwin's Finches[edit]
The finches are a group of rapidly evolving birds that live on a drifting garbage barge. They live in the middle of loser land and supposedly change. Only after he met darwin, though. When Darwin discovered such bird he mated with them to get a rabid turkey-rock that would evolve into grass. Yes...grass. The reason they so rapidly evolve is because they all want to become king of their floating-penis-pump, to such an extent that genocidal forms have developed, even though evolution resides highly on mutation after reproduction, so this thing has to have sex every two seconds. This is utter idiocy. A good example is Atticus Finch, a humanoid finch that attempted to kill a mockingbird (a.k.a finch version 3.0). Other forms have tried to kill two mockingbirds with one stone (the stone itself is a highly evolved finch).
Proof of Evolution[edit]
At the age of 14 Darwin's Step-Father, a red assed macaca monkey, mercilessly beat and had sex with him and he ran away from home. After an unsuccessful begging career in west Lincolnshire, he sold himself into prostitution for the Emperor of the United States of Britannia. He was assigned to the first naval assault division under the tutelage of Admiral Michael Jackson. His ship in the assault flotilla was assigned to steal the highly valuable rocks off of the Easter Islands known to contain oil resources. The battle was expected to be harsh as the Iraqi's in the Easter Islands hated America. Darwin was assigned as a " high man-boy sex servant" to satisfy his admirals voracious sexual appetite.
One day on board HMS beagle en-route to the Easter Islands, Darwin took up playing Pokemon Diamond edition on his hand-held PSP, because the 36 month trip was "hella boring". "Eureka, Turtwig is evolving!" he exclaimed! This was later instrumental in the formation of his theory of natural selection.
Before the assault on the island F-61 fighter interceptors from the supporting aircraft carrier HMS Bismark pelted the island with white phosphorus. However the bombardment was ineffective because the Iraqi-German-Nazis had actually bathed in white phosphorus as part of their rigorous SS training. After embarking off the cruiser class ship, 99 3/4 of the crew and captain were killed by the German Machine gun nests. But Darwin trudged on with the battle cry "gotta collect them all!!!" Darwin single hand-idly grenaded the machine gun pillars, and secured the valuable Rocks, and also amassed a collection of creatures that he kept in red and white balls, which he periodically released for anal rape. To his surprise they evolved after each rape except when they died. This lead to the discovery of 'natural seduction'. Needless to say, as reward for his daring assault Darwin was immediately promoted to Viceroy of the south-western Hemisphere, and assigned an enormous budget, and no one even knows what the budget was for because record keeping had switched over to "Obama accounting" standards.. which meant you just did shit and worried about it later.
Darwin published his first work on an apple laptop, which later bit him in the ass because peer reviewed articles should always be in word format. Darwin decided to go by an alias of Charles Dawson, so people would not suspect he was peer reviewing his own work, he first discovered Piltdown Man by taking a medieval skull combined with a lower jaw from an orang-utan and teeth from a chimpanzee and threw it into a pit his men where digging up. Darwin brought in a beer keg, and while his men were getting drunk he combined the bones together, stained them with chromic acid and an iron solution to simulate old age and tossed it into the pit and covered it up with dirt and rocks. Then when they wanted to do the carbon dating he smashed up some rocks and said they were fossilized bones from the skull and it made it look like it was millions of years old. Finally Darwin was able to get his research grants approved with this proof of a missing link. It was so successful that Darwin did the same things with Nebraska Man, Java Man, Ocre Man, and Neanderthals by mixing skulls of primates and other animals, as long as he smashed up rocks that were millions of years old, and call them fossil fragments he was able to fool the carbon dating tests. This set the standard for modern Evolutionary Scientists who now use particle accelerators to age fossils that they created out of clay to resemble real fossils, and the radiation speeds up the half-life of carbon atoms so they look like they are really old. Then just discredit other theories as pseudo-science, and launch smear campaigns against the scientists who support other theories to discredit and disprove them. In between doing all of this Darwin was busy sucking the dick of many primates as a way to relax and get in tune with nature.
Afterlife[edit]
Darwin's body was found in a bar outside of Austin, Texas. He was found dead and bloody, much gunk was spurting out of his rear and mouth. It is assumed that he was brutally Shot to death by Uncyclopediausers. It is also known that Darwin's spirit lives in Hell, burning himself, a murderer, with all the shit that he caused in the world. However, a far more likely theory arises that once Darwin reached his final judgement, he quickly challenged God to a game of connect four. Knowing God could not refuse the game, he accepted. Darwin then took advantage of God's endless patience by setting up three pink pieces (Because God only plays in kawaii colors) and waiting for the chromosomes within the pieces to divide into a fourth piece thus proving evolution and winning the game. Darwin then became the new god and was known for his brutal dictatorship of Heaven.
His dictatorship ended on November 11, 2011. He was fondling his hard, crusty nipples at 17:33 (Afterlife Timezone time) when his fortress made of marshmallows was attacked by Pontius Pilate with the help of Chris Farley and Biggie Smalls. Pilate led the assault to make up for the killing of Jesus. Darwin had no security for his fortress due to him being very disliked among everybody in Heaven. All the three had to do was get through the giant marshmallow walls around the fortress. Farley and Smalls began eating and within minutes there was a big enough gap for the entire population of Chicago,Illinois to walk through. Pilate ran up the stairs into Darwin's master bedroom. Pilate witnessed Darwin cuddling with a very frightened, handcuffed Curious George. Pilate horrified by the creepiness of Darwin, fainted instantly. Before Darwin had a chance to take advantage of the situation, Saint Michael The Archangel flew in through the balcony doors. Michael, just arriving back to Heaven after a three year vacation of hiding under Johnny Depp's bed, simply falcon punched Darwin to Hell. He set the no longer curious George free and awakened Pilate. Michael and Pilate returned the throne back to God. Heaven declared November 11 a holiday that would be celebrated each year with large marshmallow dinners.
Rap career[edit]
In 2008 Charles Darwin was signed to Young Money under the stage name "Chuck D". His debut album "The Evolution of Gangsta" is was released June 20190 Chuck D has stated that it is a experimental album fusing rap, rock, Taylor Lautner, and R&B. His first single "Evo" featuring Lil Wayne, Bun B, and William Hung. His second single "How I fucked yo mommas dicks" is being praised for its strong message against cyber bullying. Chuck D would later become a platinum recording artist and really Fuck Yo Mommas Dicks like we said he had transvestite relationships and yo Momma's his best client.
Darwinism Proven False[edit]
The following text is Scientologian and therefore true Around 2300 A.D. (also known as the 146th episode, Season 6, by Federation date) Captain Jean Luc Picard discovered that all humanoid life forms were created when a single proto-humanoid species dispersed their genes throughout the quadrant. Picard seemed to have suggested that all life came from Intelligent Design and not Evolution because the proto-humanoid species, called Thetans, were lead to various planets by Xenu and then carried off by spaceships that looked like DC8's but without the propellers, and placed on the top of volcanoes and nuclear bombs went off that murdered the Thetans but sent their spirits free. That on an archeology find he happened to uncover a book called Dianetics and he read it, and it showed him the truth. Picard went on to say that he didn't believe in psychiatry either, and refused to take his medication. He professed his love for Dr. Beverly Crusher by jumping up and down on Deanna Troi's couch. This of course is considered normal behavior for 24th century Star Ship Captains, as Captain James T. Kirk used to do it all of the time. Of course there were critics who asked Picard questions, but Picard snapped back and said "You don't know the history of evolution or psychiatry, but I do." and then had his lawyers sue his critics for libel and slander. Proving once and for all that Darwin's works are bunk. This, of course, happened before they discovered The Borg, and Captain Picard was converted to Borgology later, but lucky for him Tom Cruise used his super powers to free him from The Borg and convert him back to Scientology.
This particularly enraged Darwin the Romulans, the Cardassians, and Herr Hitler, who all considered themselves to be superior species based on Darwin's Evolutionary Theory. They consoled themselves in various ways. Darwin applied eugenics and neutered some Jews, Hitler gassed them, the Romulans banged up some Klingons, and the Cardassians polished their scales. They all felt much better, and all of a sudden vanquished into thin-air like this section of this article should, because it sucks so much... BIGOTRY SUCKS, SCIENCE IS REVISIONIST, CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG, CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS TEARING US ALL APART, END OF STORY!.
The Death and Return Of Darwin[edit]
After escaping from his underground chamber, Darwin's most prominent foe, God, sought to do battle with Darwin. After first dealing with the Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles and Captain Planet, God strode to Bedford, where he called out the little whining c=cks-cker.
Blow after blow, Darwin had to put God down for the sake of the monkey he loved. as the residents of bedford gathered round, both fighters realized their next punch would be their last...
Darwin called upon the powers of Castle Greyskull... and killed God. However, a terrible price was to be paid, God managed to put a curse on Darwin before he died and Darwin caught cancer, but died from being brutally raped up the ass by Black Jesus. Three days later, God rose from the dead, which seems to be a bit of a trend that he also did when he was crucified by the Romans. Darwin's body, while still dead, continued to evolve and allowed him to gain the ability of reincarnation.
Two weeks later, four people claiming to be the New Darwin appeared under the guise of "Adolf Hitler". Little is known about what happened to him or where he went after that. Hitler might have been Darwin reincarnated, or at least have once piece of his soul. The New Darwin, named Adolf Hitler, blamed everything on his Jewish heritage, including his tiny penis, and tried to commit genocide on Jewish people and take over the world because of his flawed genetic traits, he was jealous that Jewish penis was bigger than his.
EuroDarwin[edit]
Eurodarwin was founded by the eponymous man after his return. Realizing that there was a lot more money to be made selling Euroipods, he opened EuroDarwin. All the rides and merchandise sucked. If you wanted a Euroipod, you gad to first buy a transistor, then trade it in for a microchip, and trade that in for a motherboard..... Two weeks later, you'd get a LCD screen and in a few years, perhaps, an MP3 player. There was only one ride: The ascent of man, which just involved a man ascending along a slope. After the slope ended, you'd get off the ride.
The descent of man was the next part of the ride but was never fully completed. Eurodarwin really sucked and was soon closed down to make way for a Walmart.
City of Darwin[edit]
“We could have done better, if it wasn't for those fucking chavs. God I hate chavs!”
“Nice place, but everyone tries to eat you or mate with you.”
A few million years ago, some feces-flinging apes, thanks to their friendly neighborhood monolith, evolved into feces-flinging hominids. These ape-men realized that to further their development, they needed indoor plumbing; flinging shit being the closest thing to sewage disposal, in those days. They built a city where everyone was guaranteed a flushable shit-pot provided they evolved enough to deserve one. The rest were left to their own crap-throwing devices, and promptly devolved into chimps, cabbage and Republicans.
The city of Darwin started as a single hut, gradually developing into a hamlet, a village, a town, and then a city. Competing with several upstarts like Atlantis and Tenochchitlan, it barely emerged from the evolutionary cesspool. Others were not so lucky. We all know what happened to Telford.
In it's prime, the city of Darwin boasted 300,000 fully evolved feces-flinging men elves hobbits and goblins. Everything went downhill after after the Pope's ban on evolution, with every single organism, including simple protozoa, devolving into primitive evangelicals. These creatures usually walk aimlessly in circles, devouring anyone who hasn't accepted Jesus (if in a pinch, they'll devour Dingos), and should never be approached without great caution. Jerry Falwell was especially pleased, as stealing money from these creatures was easier than stealing it from simple protozoa. Unlike evangelicals, protozoans do not mail their lifesavings to your doorstep, in neat little gift-wrapped packages.
Today, the city of Darwin is used as a large set for many zombie movies, but makes quite the picnic spot, as long as you make sure you're indoors before dark... the horror. Still better than Telford though.
Creation-Evolution Controversy[edit]
Ever since the publication of Darwin's theory, there has been an ongoing battle between Creationists and Evolution, with many casualties on either side. Evolutionists believe that if Creationism is taught in schools, science will come to a blinding halt, people will begin to live in caves like The Flintstones, and everyone will be forced against their will to attend church instead of being allowed to stay home and watch Sunday Morning Football, and that everyone will become retarded. On the other hand, Creationists believe that if the Evolutionists win, everyone will become an atheist, as all Evolutionists prescribe to atheism, God will abandon us all, and everyone will be forced against their will to read Richard Dawkin's boring crap. So the war continues to rage to this day.
This despite the fact that both the National Academy of Sciences and the Vatican have made public statements saying science and religion are reconcilable with one another, and that Evolution is compatible with a belief in God. Then again, atheists refuse to believe they have anything in common with the Pope. For example, after the Pope said he would love to break his Vows of Chastity with Megan Fox , Fox's fifteen minutes of fame came to an abrupt end, resulting in Michael Bay firing her from the next Transformers movie. Something similar happened among atheistic preteen girls when the Pope said something similar about The Jonas Brothers.
The controversy is also common among apes, many of whom are offended by the notion that they might share a common ancestry with homosapiens.
The Final Death of Darwin[edit]
Some say Darwin died, others say there are a few Darwins left in the wild, but their numbers are too small to maintain a sustainable gene-pool. In any case, it is the end of a great man-species, one that changed the way we think about nature. Efforts are underway to mate the remaining Darwins with Dawkins bred in captivity, such that the hybrid 'Darkins', will preserve the essence of their progenitors. Further efforts aim to find a prehistoric frozen Dawkin, and extract it's semen to impregnate a female Huxley (they are closely related species).
Ironically, the extensive research conducted on this species may have led to it's extiction. Today, there are more Darwin museum specimens (in formaldehyde) than there are left in the wild. Broken museum vials with ravaged specimens may be a result of sexual frustration amongst the Darwin survivors, or the museum guards. Either way, the new 'History of Guns and Prostitution' exhibit will fix the problem.
See also[edit]
- Darwin Award
- Darwinism
- Social Darwinism
- HMS Beagle
- Charles Darwin University
- Natural Selection
- Evolution
- Evilution
- The Theory of Evolution
- Marvin's Theory of Evolution (of Lesbians)
- Chimp out
- Ussher
- Missing Lynx
- Monkey Conspiracy
- An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters
- Survival of the Sickest
- Founders of great religions
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