Memories of Sand

I think I've been overdoing it (as usual), and I need to honor my need to limit my sensory input more. Granted, that contradicts everything people keep telling me I need to do to Be Successful™, but agh, I also need to be functional. Tricky balance is tricky.

It looks gorgeous outside, and I've been keeping myself indoors trying to revise a paper, but really I just want to play with my Tarot cards, write in my journal, and sit outside. I told myself I can't do those things until my friend invites me over to her house, but knowing I'll do those things later doesn't make focusing any easier.

I also need to email a doctor. Really, there are plenty of things I need to do and my brain is not here, and I have a lot scheduled yet. Bah! I just want to go watch the plants grow!

Speaking of plants, I should cut some chives and bring them in. That is definitely something that won't take long and I can go outside for a moment! Yeah! Then I'll bring up my laundry and make my bed and see if I can focus better later. Pain levels aren't helping either, bah.

Three hours into studying today. Wahoo! I am starting to see what the point is!

I really should've been studying all along and figuring out how to do all the things, but it's really hard to count on my body to be able to do things? Also, grief is an issue.

Now the question is do I have reason to be nervous about the exam on Friday?

Probably won't catch up on comments until next week. Must continue the focus for now!

"I should buy a special highlighter ink instead of cheap ones (especially because I rarely use highlighters!), amirite?"

(scene from my inner dialogue)

I am menstruating, but I have realized that this is the last time I will menstruate before my surgery! And during the surgery I will have an IUD put in! And the combination of those two things will mean much less pain and suffering when I menstruate! THIS IS MY LAST PERIOD OF ABSOLUTE SUFFERING. Rejoice!

What happened last week? It was the week before that I had so few spoons I spent Tuesday in bed. But someone tonight said on Monday I looked like I was already borrowing spoons from the next day. Which, upon reflection, I remember on Monday I was hiding from the multiple conversations in one dinner table. But I can't remember what happened that I had so few spoons.

Also weird that a person noticed I had so few spoons. Also awesome that said person knows spoon theory.

Extenuating circumstances means I now absolutely need a domain of my own. Remembered to check Dreamhost. They have a sale, but it ends at 3pm PDT today. That's, oh, about 40 minutes from when I checked. I don't have a domain name, PLEASE tell me I can buy and add that later... Oh I can!

I now have a Dreamhost account, all new and shiny and ready for me to figure out a domain name for. And it's $50 cheaper than it would have been without the sale. Clearly I'm meant to keep blogging and having an online presence.

Got it fixed up with a fresh battery, am hoping it's alllll good now. ♥ I HAVE MY COMPUTER BACK. Gotta use up its battery then let it charge fully this evening. I think I can do that with some TV shows. ^_^

Tonight's Movie Club is:

Movie night tonight: instead of something from 2014, we're watching a British alien/monster movie from 1982, because we can. If you like alien abductions, kids with latent psychic powers, and shit you cannot unsee ...

I should not have let New Housemate (he needs a nickname) be in charge just because he has friends over. I'll be shaking my head and knitting through the whole movie (and wishing I were watching Korra!)

Yesterday was a beautiful 80˚ by the end of the day, then we had a thunderstorm! The lightning was SO pretty and went on for so long. I spent most of dinner watching it in its breathtaking glory.

I keep almost Gchatting this dude I had a crush on in college. My austere, celibate reality is apparently getting to me. It's not really the way of my People, but I'm so uncomfortable with how I am now that it's how I've always been. Meh. My People as if I truly believed: Other people and Gods and Spirits happen to People Not Me. I have a lot of shadows to work with soon.

I kept myself from listening to extra depressing music last night while falling asleep. I'm a little overwhelmed this week, and my mental health is flagging a bit. But I stopped myself! Listening to depressing music would've caused a spiral, and I didn't let it happen, and I'm still not letting it happen. I'm keeping myself afloat until I can do what I need to do, which means I need to write in my paper journal and doodle and read away from people. I need the quiet of being alone by myself and letting my mind heal. I've been doing all right with random buddhify meditations throughout the day, which I'm proud of. More and more I realize I need some way to insulate myself from others during the day, so their energy doesn't bother me as much as it does. Someday I'll figure that out. Someday soon, really.

And that's my rambling for today, I think. I might be back later, since I'm taking a lot of today to figure out what I'm doing here at work.

The kind and lovely thebonesofferalletters currently has a crowd source post going on, and I just donated in the hopes that someone else's story prompt gets written. So. Go prompt. And signal boost. And donate. And help someone else out. Mkay? Mkay.

Two totally random thoughts:

• Pool Boy still being connected on Facebook makes me want to murder him sometimes. STOP HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME! I have so much envy over your life so just stop reminding me you exist.
• $secretproject will be unofficially revealed tonight/tomorrow morning as tarnished and I would like your help - yes, you! I am so excited to show you guys.

One of my co-workers today kept jumping up and asking if anyone had talked to me yet about a permanent position. Way to make me antsy all day. It is flattering that she thinks so highly of me - and another coworker said before she left today that she'd be happy to give me a recommendation should I ever need it.

If only this were the way to fulfilling work.

Apparently, even working two jobs right now puts me at the poverty line, which is, um. I am so glad my parents pay for my health expenses because I had no idea and I suppose I shouldn't try to shop as much as I do... or something. I am definitely not good at holding back on spending money right now, but that will change. Next week I'm going to try and take a few days off to deal with doctor visits. Really fucking frustrating that I'll be turning 26 and lose my health insurance, but I might qualify for assistance for health care, haaaa. This is what an expensive four-year degree gets me!

Last night I had a friend over whom I told about Vision of Escaflowne, and how Hitomi reads Tarot cards and becomes a soothsayer in the show. Then there was a brief discussion of Tarot, and the statement "I'm scared of Tarot because I'm the kind of person who would believe it just enough to be scared" was uttered, then people making jokes about that, which means my friends need an education in what the Tarot does for you and the fact that I'm into this stuff.

Sigh. That's one of those closets I've stuck myself in, isn't it.

This comes about because I rather need to practice and study, and I'm trying to start a weekly Tarot reading over at the $secretproject. (Which SOON will be not so secret! I'll be much less anxious to share it with Dreamwidth than to share it with my offline friends, so you'll definitely get first glimpse.) Sorry, other highly educated friends, but I do believe in magic and powers we don't understand. It's one of those ways to organize my brain and experiences, and it works for me, and you don't get to diss it.

Raaaaawr.

I am definitely rather pleased at my getting-things-done yesterday. Though there are still evil phones, because they are evil and seem to multiply...