stress

struggling with anxiety

this summer has been a long struggle for me. i’ve had moments and days of beauty and wonder and happiness, but they’ve been bookended by physical and mental struggles that are outside my normal range. i’ve been dealing with nearly overpowering anxiety. i’m easily stressed and pushed to tears, i’ve lost so much of my energy and enthusiasm for athletics and eating and spending time with others, physically i just don’t feel well. it seems like i always have a sour stomach or headache or am tired or feeling on edge/unhappy. anxiety about even tiny things builds me up into knots and it keeps me restless for days. turns me nervous and pensive. pushes me deep inside a shell and i just want to keep hiding and pretend there is and i hope this emotional drain is passing and no problem.

i have dealt with similar problems in the past, but nothing like this intensity or longevity has popped up before. it’s so frustrating. i wish there was some quick-fix but one doesn’t exist. through counseling, i’ve learned some techniques that have helped me cope, but crawling out of this hole is such a long process. whatever triggered this path down the dark, shameful spiral of anxiety is a complete mystery. i thought things were fine and then…i just hit a wall. it’s so hard to accept that these destructive, awful feelings are real.

being so open and public about emotions is very difficult for me, but for some reason this felt important. maybe my admission will help someone else along, or maybe it’s okay just to put this out into the void anyway.

struggles with dysmorphia

recently i’ve been having such a hard time with the way i look. i’m the most fit i’ve ever been in my life–i can run 6-8 miles easily, bike for hours at a fast pace, i’m flexible and strong from fourteen years of yoga–but i’m struggling to love my body. i hate the way my thighs rub when i walk in a skirt and the way t-shirts and jeans frame my stomach. i’m trying so hard but i just don’t know how to reprogram my brain. it isn’t easy that i have so much photographic evidence of me being ten or fifteen pounds lighter (early 20s! ugh) and that it’s been so difficult to lose that weight. something happened; it seemed like as soon as i moved to vancouver i gained weight, and not just muscle weight from biking everywhere.

one of the most ridiculous parts of this whole-brain struggle is that when i was at my “ideal” 10ish-pounds-lighter weight, i still wasn’t happy with the way i looked.  i’ve had issues with my appearance, mainly focused on my stomach, since i was probably nine or ten.  it’s so stupid to focus so much energy and dislike on a single body part.  my body is visually appealing in so many other ways and it’s so strong and capable!

the real issue at hand isn’t the weight, whatever it may be, but my struggle to accept my awesome, strong, athletic body because of this weight. i’ve had brief periods where i’m happier with my body despite the weight gain (one of them was having my bra size measured to be several cups larger than i expected, another was when i was boxing a lot) but i keep swinging back to this unhappiness. i don’t believe that other people look at me and think negative thoughts about my body, and i get lots of positive reinforcement from my friends and boyfriend, but this is such a negative thought pattern and i don’t know how to crawl out of it.

recently i read a wonderful post on a similar subject: when i became a plus size model. it really hits home with me because i did a tonne of modeling when i was younger, although it wasn’t the professional level that this woman did.  i keep reading things like that post,  and talking with my friends, and at times it’s so inspiring but in the end it’s still so hard to be okay with those extra pounds.  i haven’t found any magic way to just get over this–sometimes it’s easier to be happy with my appearance, and sometimes it’s so difficult.

cat-astrophe

henry got high and wanted to sit in the bathtub and watch the faucet drip all night

I AM SO GLAD THAT HENRY IS OKAY

sooooo henry kind of got pneumonia this week! it turned out to be aspiration pneumonia, in which he inhaled some liquid (in this case his own vomit!!) which stuck around in his lungs. his breathing was bubbly and wheezy and i could hear it from several feet away. it was terrifying. i’m so fortunate that my friend michael was able to drive us to the emergency vet and stuck around for the three hours it took to get henry checked out. it was so nice to have someone hanging out with me and telling me jokes, which made me way more calm. after a few hours in an oxygen tent, henry was allowed to come home!

in a slightly hilarious turn of events, when we got home, henry was seriously doped up from the variety of drugs he’d received, and all he wanted to do was watch water drip out of the faucet.  well, okay.

i was supposed to fly to alberta yesterday morning, and i obviously couldn’t leave henry only twelve hours after he got so messed up. i had to hang out and make sure that he was okay, take him to the regular vet for a check-up to make sure he was well enough to leave (although my pal michelle is checking on/feeding them once a day).   added to some other stresses in my life, this kind of made me flip out a bit.  whenever i leave for a few days, i get worried my cats will die.   i lost two full daytimes with my family (was supposed to arrive weds at noon, now will arrive friday at 12am), and i rarely get to see them and i miss them and i just spent$150 last week to rebook the flight and give me more time at home.  combined with other issues, i felt so low on tuesday night.  i had to cancel a date, i had no food in my house.  everything was stress.

between vet bills and flight fees, $1000 disappeared from my account overnight. maybe i won’t be able to do cuba in march like i wanted. i paid more to fix my cat than i spend on rent each month, but i love him and i’d do it again.   i’m just glad that henry will be okay.  oh my goodness.  i don’t know what i’d do if something happened to my little furry man<3