What a sad waste of $125 million dollars In Covid times, we have nothing but time. I regret every minute lost on this utter abomination. If there were a way to leave negative stars, I would.
I'm a mom of 3 sons who devoured the Artemis series. I have been waiting for this movie to bring those amazing characters to life since 2007, when I first cracked the cover of Artemis Fowl. I read them all aloud to my kids and as they grew, we've all revisited them. Compelling, funny, work with characters and dialogue that snap off the page.
I'm an avid movie-goer who has loved Kenneth Branaugh's directing work since he took on Shakespeare in the 90s. He made the bard so accessible for millions of viewers. He's been knighted fergawdssake.
Josh Gad is normally so amazingly funny and fun to watch. Judy Dench is an international treasure. WTAF is up with their voices. In a "heart wrenching" scene, Diggums grumbles,"Listen to the two of us, grunting at each other like a pair of hippos with a throat infection". I clapped because that's how they both sound THE. WHOLE. MOVIE.
So you start with amazing source material, give it a monstrous budget, leave it in the hands of a skilled director with shining stars and WHAT HAPPENED, DISNEY?
Colfer has to be hurling. If he were dead, he'd be spinning in his grave like a powerdrill.
I am the first to understand that sometimes license must be taken to establish tricky plot points. I will suspend disbelief if there is a payoff that is similar to the source material. The producers of this movie, however, put the source material in a blender, pureed it, ran it through test audiences and came up with the most unwatchable pablum I've seen on the screen.
Let's spoil it up:
Do you ove the Angeline redemption line, whereby Artemis' mother, so distraught that her best true love is missing and presumed dead at the hands of the Russian Mafia that she walks like a ghost in her room when she can bring herself to get out of bed?
Can it. She's dead. (which would be a really tricky thing to explain when his twin brothers Becket and Myles come into play in book 6).
Do you love the erudite, sharply dressed and exercise-eschewing criminal mastermind that Artemis has become as he singlehandedly carries on the family crime business and painstakingly researches fairies on his own, deciding he will catch one?
Forgetaboutit. He's a surfer now, in jeans, tees and sweatshirts. He only dons a suit for the battle and they begin with him IN SCHOOL. It's a big point in the books that he's wiggled his way out of school with his genius. And Dad's in the picture from the start, force feeding him fairy lore. They crack the gnommish language completely without the fairy
Butler as a one-man wrecking crew (the third best martial artist in the world) who won't reveal his first name?
Sooooorry. He's introduced as "Dom or Domovoi" by Diggums right off the bat. He's seen training martial arts only once and only kicks butt with the aid of Holly's fairy weapon.
Teenaged Juliet has been inexplicably reduced to a 12-year old. I assume this is because they thought this would be a series so she could grow into the role?
Diggums is now full human sized, wishing only to be a normal sized dwarf.
While I loved Foaly's hair as it recalled a horse's mane, all of his snark was written out of the picture and his CGI centaur-ness didn't work visually.
Opal Koboi is introduced right off the bat where she didn't appear until book 2 in the series. You never actually see anything but a cloaked
Holly as a driven elf trying to prove herself capable to the demanding Commander Root as the one and only female in LEP Recon?
Naw, she just wants to clear her dad's name. (Aaaand, there's no dad in any of the books for Holly - total crap) She's not at the Oak tree to perform the sacred ritual to restore her magic, but rather goes there to find her dad's badge? She has no edge.
Did you find the restoring ritual interesting and cool?
Hold it in your hearts, viewer because it's completely written off here.
Did you like Julius Root as a curmudgeonly foil?
I have no problem with casting Root as a female - but the essential anger is gone. In the books, he's called "beetroot" by the troops because of this epic anger. The only anger here is the audience's at having to watch this hatchet job.
************
The premise decimated, the 90 minutes reels out an overly expository, nonsensical flattening of the source material with zero stakes, zero chemistry, zero character development and zero heart.
I so wish I could give this zero stars. Today it's at 9% on Rotten Tomatoes. I think that's a very generous mark.
Pure, unadulterated junk.