- Agent Baldwin P. 'Bulletproof' Vess: [opening narration] C.O.P.S.: Central Organisation of Police Specialists. Fighting crime in a future time. Protecting Empire City from Big Boss and his gang of crooks.
- Agent Baldwin P. 'Bulletproof' Vess: [narration over closing credits] C.O.P.S role call: Highway. Mainframe. Longarm. Bowzer and Blitz. Sundown. Hardtop. Mirage. Bullseye. Mace. Barricade, and they call me Bulletproof. These are Empire City's most wanted crooks: Berserko. Rock Crusher. Ms. Demeanor. Turbo Tu-Tone. Dr. Badvibes. Nightshade. Use caution in apprehending.
- Rafaella 'Nightshade' Diamond: [mocking BIg Boss] I want this, I want that! Someday I'm gonna tell Big Boss off!
- David E. 'Highway' Harlson: [after handcuffing Ms. Demeanor to a parking meter] Remember to put some change in the meter, Ms. Demeanor.
- Brandon 'Big Boss' Babel: [Berserko has been arrested] My Cheddar-brained nephew might be a nincompoop, but it makes me look bad if one of my crooks gets caught!
- Agent Baldwin P. 'Bulletproof' Vess: [referring to one C.O.P.S. file] The most chaotic caper of our career.
- [repeated line]
- Various Crooks: ...Freeze! We're crooks, and this is a stick-up!
- [repeated line]
- Various C.O.P.S. agents: ...Freeze! We're cops, and you're under arrest!