- Burt Wilson: I thought you said if we destroyed the brain, it'd die!
- Frank: It worked in the movie!
- Burt Wilson: Well, it ain't working now, Frank!
- Freddy: You mean the movie lied?
- Trash: Do you ever wonder about all the different ways of dying? You know, violently? And wonder, like, what would be the most horrible way to die?
- Spider: I try not too think about dying too much.
- Trash: Mm. Well for me, the worst way would be for a bunch of old men to get around me, and start biting and eating me alive.
- Spider: I see.
- Trash: First, they would tear off my clothes...
- Chuck: Hey, somebody get some light over here, Trash is taking off her clothes again.
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: You can hear me?
- 1/2 Woman Corpse: Yes.
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Why do you eat people?
- 1/2 Woman Corpse: Not people. Brains.
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Brains only?
- 1/2 Woman Corpse: Yes.
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Why?
- 1/2 Woman Corpse: The PAIN!
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: What about the pain?
- 1/2 Woman Corpse: The pain of being DEAD!
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: [laughing in surprise to his friends] It hurts... to be dead.
- 1/2 Woman Corpse: I can feel myself rot.
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Eating brains... How does that make you feel?
- 1/2 Woman Corpse: It makes the pain, go away!
- Freddy: [to Tina] Gee... And now you made me hurt myself again! You made me break my hand completely off this time Tina! But I don't care Darlin', because I love you, and you've got to let me EAT YOUR BRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINS! WHERE ARE YOU!
- [Burt is on the phone to the police squad captain]
- Burt Wilson: Listen, there's a bunch of people from the cemetery who are stark, staring, mad, and they'll kill you and eat you if they catch you. It's like a disease. It's like rabies, only faster, a lot faster. That's why you've got to come and get us out of here now... right now!
- Paramedic #1: You have no pulse, your blood pressure's zero-over-zero, you have no pupillary response, no reflexes and your temperature is 70 degrees.
- Freddy: Well, what does that mean?
- Paramedic #1: Well, it's a puzzle because, technically, you're not alive. Except you're conscious, so we don't know what it means.
- Freddy: Are you saying we're dead?
- Paramedic #2: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
- Freddy: Are you saying we're dead?
- Paramedic #2: No conclusions.
- Paramedic #1: Obviously I didn't mean you were really dead. Dead people don't move around and talk.
- Burt Wilson: If that is a re-animated body, we're gonna have to kill it.
- Freddy: How do you kill something that's already dead?
- Burt Wilson: How do I know, Fred? Let me think!
- Frank: It's not a bad question, Burt.
- Freddy: Frank?
- Frank: Yeah, kid?
- Freddy: What's the weirdest thing you ever saw in here?
- Frank: Oh, kid, I have seen weird things come and I have seen weird things go. But the weirdest thing I ever saw just had to cap it all.
- Freddy: Oh, yeah? What's that?
- Frank: Let me ask you a question, kid. Did you see that movie, "Night of the Living Dead"?
- Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the one where the corpses start eating the people, right? Sure. Wh-what about it?
- Frank: Did you know that movie was based on a true case?
- Freddy: Come on, you're shitting me, right?
- Frank: [raises right hand] I've never been more serious in my life.
- Freddy: That's not possible. I mean, they showed zombies taking over the world.
- Frank: They changed it all around. What really happened was back in 1969, in Pittsburgh, at the V.A. hospital, there was a chemical spill and all that stuff kinda leaked down into the morgue and it made all the dead bodies kinda jump around as though it was alive.
- Freddy: What chemical?
- Frank: 2-4-5 Trioxin, it's called. It was to kinda spray on marijuana or something. And the Darrow Chemical Company was trying to develop it for the Army. And they told the guy who made the movie that if he told the true story, they'd just sue his ass off. So he changed all the facts around.
- Freddy: So what really happened?
- Frank: Well, they closed it all down, see, and the Army shipped all that contaminated dirt and all those dead bodies out. And they kept it a secret.
- Freddy: So how come you know about it?
- Frank: A typical Army fuck up. The Transportation Department got the orders crossed, and they shipped those bodies here instead of to the Darrow Chemical Company.
- Burt Wilson: [as a missile heads towards Louisville] Hey, listen! You hear something?
- Freddy: [cuts to Freddy breaking through the hatch to Tina and Ernie] Tinaaaaaaaaa!
- [Frank shows Freddy a military drum with a dead zombie inside]
- Freddy: Oh shit, look at that! You say that thing was alive?
- Frank: So they say.
- Freddy: Oh god. Hey, these things don't leak, do they?
- Frank: Leak? Hell no. These things were made by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.
- [Frank slaps the drum and gas starts leaking]
- Frank: Oh fuck!
- Ethel Glover: Hello, dear. How was your day?
- Col. Horace Glover: The usual. Crap.
- Ethel Glover: Oh, I'm sorry.
- Col. Horace Glover: What's for dinner?
- Ethel Glover: Your favourite: lamb chops!
- Col. Horace Glover: I had them for lunch.
- Burt Wilson: One question, Frank: this guy screaming in here... you're sure he's a dead cadaver?
- Frank: Why don't you open the door and find out!
- Burt Wilson: [hesitates] Uh... no, that's allright Frank, I'll take your word for that.
- Col. Horace Glover: [on a secure military line] Sir, this is Colonel Glover. I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour, sir, but we're at Q-2 status. It looks like we've found that lost consignment of Easter eggs. Yes, sir, pretty sure. They've turned up in Louisville. I'm getting confirmations on this from the Louisville Police Department. Louisville, Kentucky, sir.
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: Well, sir, it would be good news, except that the eggs have hatched.
- Burt Wilson: You did what? You opened it? You stupid moron! You idiot! What's the matter with you Frank? Haven't I always told you never to even go near those goddamn tanks?
- Frank: What are we gonna do, Burt?
- Burt Wilson: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm going to be sued by the Darrow Chemical Company. I might even be investigated by the government. I might become very famous, Frank. I might even lose my business. I might even go to jail, goddamn it! That's what I'm gonna do!
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: What the hell are in those bags?
- Burt Wilson: Uh... rabid weasels.
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: What? What the hell are you doing with a bunch of rabid weasels?
- Burt Wilson: That's what I was trying to explain to you here, Ernie. They came in as part of a shipment. Of course, they weren't supposed to be rabid.
- Spider: What're they doin', man?
- Burt Wilson: [over the telephone to the Military Intelligence] Hang on a second, will ya?
- [to Spider]
- Burt Wilson: It's weird. These people seem to say they've been waiting for this to happen. Apparently, they've got some sort of contingency plan to deal with it.
- Casey: That's great!
- Spider: [suspiciously] What is this plan?
- Col. Horace Glover: [on the telephone] Yes? Yes, Captain. I see. Very well. Put the call through to me. Yes, yes, put him on.
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: Mister Wilson, where are you calling from?
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: I see. When did this take place? And when was the tank first breached?
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: Why didn't you call this number immediately?
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: I see. It's understandable. What happened next?
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: Oh, you did? And what effect did that have?
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: I see. So what did you do then?
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: And what did they do?
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: I see. Really? How many did you say? And how many acres does this cemetery cover, sir?
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: Yes. I see. Yes, I see. Of course.
- [pause]
- Col. Horace Glover: Thank you for your assistance, Mister Wilson. I'm going to switch you back to Captain Turner. He'll talk to you.
- Burt Wilson: What about the bones Ernie?
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Bones are no problem. Hardest thing to burn is the heart.
- Burt Wilson: A heart, why?
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: 'cause it's just one big tough muscle.
- Burt Wilson: Yeah, but Ernie, I mean, c'mon, we don't want the heart sticking around!
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Then I'll turn it up hotter for the heart.
- Frank: Let me ask you a question, kid: did you ever see that movie, "Night of the Living Dead"?
- Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah - that's the one where the corpses start eating the people, right? What about it?
- Frank: Did you know that story was based on a true case?
- Freddy: [chuckles] Aw, c'mon, you're shitting me, right?
- Frank: I ain't never been more serious in my life.
- Tina: Mister, they're out there and there's more of them in that warehouse on the other side of the graveyard.
- Burt Wilson: Which warehouse?
- Tina: The medical supply...
- Burt Wilson: Oh Shit! Shit! God damn!
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: I think things are getting out of hand.
- Tina: Mister, there's a hundred of those things out there.
- Burt Wilson: A hundred?
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Freeze or you're dead!
- Spider: Don't shoot, man!
- Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Are you crazy? Are you on PCP?
- Spider: Nobody's on any drugs, man! Just let us in!
- Tina: What did you do to Freddy? What's wrong with him? Ask this man.
- Spider: You know, I think it's time you tell us what the fuck's going on!
- Burt Wilson: I don't have to tell you anything, dick brain.
- Eye Chart: Burt is a slave driver and a cheap son of a bitch!
- Trash: Do you ever fantasize... about being killed?
- Spider: Never.
- Trash: Do you ever wonder about all the different ways of dying? You know, violently, and wonder like, what would be the most horrible way to die?
- Spider: I try not to think about dying too much.
- Trash: Mmm. Well for me, the worst way would be for a bunch of old men... to get around me... and start biting... and eating me alive!
- Spider: I see.
- Trash: [Rips off clothes] First, they would tear off my clothes.
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What was the official certification given to The Return of the Living Dead (1985) in Japan?
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