- Charlie Nelson: A mustache is a very important thing. That's part of the famous Charlie Nelson theory in the efficacy of face hair in dealing with the opposite sex.
- Robert Tracey: [Slightly taken aback] What?
- Charlie Nelson: Always remember this: dames become unpredictable when faced with a mustache. It both arouses, and angers them, because... being as it is a symbol of masculinity, they feel drawn toward it.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: [laughing at Bob, while mocking his appearance] If you knew what you looked like in that silly vest and that mustache. You look like a gigolo! You don't even look like a gigolo, you look like Groucho Marx!
- Charlie Nelson: Some girls are sort of, well, dismal. Everybody says, "What she needs is a husband." With you, it worked out the other way. What you needed was no husband.
- Charlie Nelson: Basically, the world is divided into the cryers and the laughers. There are sub-divisions, of course, like the whiners and the gigglers, but basically there are the two major schools.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: Schools of what?
- Charlie Nelson: Well, to put it as delicately as possible, of getting a young lady into a receptive mood for, you know, romance. What it amounts to is this. You can laugh them into it or you can cry them into it.
- Robert Tracey: I blame the whole thing on your mother and her beloved Dr. Van Kessel.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: Dr. Van Kessel is a brilliant analyst.
- Robert Tracey: Brilliant? All he does is sit there earning $25 an hour listening to...
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: $50 an hour.
- Robert Tracey: Listening to neurotic women discussing their *sex* lives!
- Charlie Nelson: There's nothing in the divorce agreement giving Nina custody of the liquor.
- Robert Tracey: Well, it's very true. As a matter of fact, that's a well-taken point.
- Nina's Divorce Lawyer: I swear, when he said, "Divorce granted," well, there was tears in my eyes. I always cry at divorces.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: I don't know. It was so - quick. Are you absolutely sure it's legal?
- Nina's Divorce Lawyer: Absolutely, ma'am.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: I can hardly believe it. It's too good to be true.
- Nina's Divorce Lawyer: Well, ma'am, when two people, down deep in their hearts know they really hate each other, that's the only thing that matters.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: Oh, we really hate each other, all right. There's no doubt about that.
- Nina's Divorce Lawyer: Of course you do. And I know you two are going to be very, very happy.
- Robert Tracey: Charlie said, "It's none of my business..."
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: Oh, That's the absolute truth.
- Robert Tracey: "It's none of my business, but as they say on Broadway, 'If the show is a flop, fold it.'"
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: [sarcastically] Oh, that's so beautifully expressed.
- Robert Tracey: I can tell everything about a person from their canceled checks.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: Can you tell about me?
- Robert Tracey: Everything.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: Everything?
- Robert Tracey: Everything.
- Charlie Nelson: Well, now that you're all moved in and settled, let's get down to the business at hand. Dames! Who we gonna get for you?
- Robert Tracey: Hey, wait a minute, Charlie. Do me one favor. No dames. Don't you introduce me to anyone. The last time you introduced me to a dame, thank you, it was a *disaster*, a total disaster. You introduced me to a dame, it took me eight years to get over. No, thank you, not again!
- Robert Tracey: Where do you sleep?
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: That's very tricky. You just press a button. A bed sort of pops out of the wall.
- Robert Tracey: What?
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: I'll show you. It sort of goes "whoosh!" Watch out!
- Robert Tracey: You're frivolous, romantic, generous, somewhat over-impulsive, you're ambitious. You're a little scatter-brained and you also have a weakness for lacy underwear.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: That's uncanny!
- Robert Tracey: You're also very pretty. You're very sweet and you like to be kissed.
- Robert Tracey: Well, it's wonderful, really. I always say, you can never really get to know a person well until you've been through her canceled checks.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: You can't?
- Robert Tracey: Beats psychiatry, palm reading, and, you know, feeling the bumps on someone's head.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: I don't know what's going to happen to him and I don't care. Probably live on whiskey and French-fried potatoes. Get fat, lose all his clients. I don't know what he's going to do and I don't care.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: I have to go to NBC first.
- Edith Chapman: NBC can wait. First, I'm taking you to lunch. We'll have thousands of martinis and all the most expensive things on the menu.
- Robert Tracey: You have a basic salaried income of $3,380 per annum. Is that correct?
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: That's right. If that's what $65 a week comes to. Yes. I don't see why we have to discuss it.
- Robert Tracey: Well, I shall shortly be earning $5,200 myself. And to get to the point, if we were to file a joint return it would seem to me that with the two exemptions the joint return may not only be feasible, but actually economically very sound. Indeed, tax-wise.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: Oh, all right. I didn't think you could do that, file a joint return just like that. I thought you had to be married or something. Oh? Oh! Oh!
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: I'm no longer interested in beds.
- Edith Chapman: You've got to stop brooding this way. You've got to try and make a successful adjustment.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: I don't know why I ever married him in the first place. I was afraid of being an old maid. I wasn't nearly this attractive then, either. I didn't realize that there are certain women like me. who get *more* attractive as they mature. I thought by the time I was 30 I was going to be lined and gray. How did I know I was suddenly going to blossom out into a raving, screaming beauty.
- Rick Vidal: We'll go where there's music, soft lights, dancing.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: It sounds delicious, simply delicious.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: I'm free, free! You don't know what that means. And I'm going to enjoy it. El Morocco every night and men, millions of men! Poor, miserable creatures groveling at my feet! I'm going to be a combination of Sadie Thompson, Forever Amber and Scarlett O'Hammer, all rolled up into one. I'm going to be passion's plaything!
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: Well, you certainly have a very forceful personality and you sort of smell good, too.
- Robert Tracey: I think maybe I ought to pull this curtain. There seems to be somebody staring at you from across the court.
- Janis: No, don't do that. My girlfriend and I, we never pull the curtain. We just have a ball with him. You know, that boy must be a nervous wreck. We never let him get any sleep at all. Some day he's going to flip his lid or fall out of the window or something. Don't you think that's a scream?
- Charlie Nelson: [on the phone] That's right. That's right, that's right. I'll come up sometime and we'll play Pony Express. Pony Express? Well, that's like Post Office, only a little more - horsing around.
- Janis: You'd be surprised at how many fellas you go out on dates with who don't like to buy you any dinner. They'll buy you anything you want to drink, all right, but not to eat. What I think is, they just want to get you plastered.
- Janis: I think whiskey would be dreamy.
- Robert Tracey: We don't seem to have any ice. Charlie forgot to put water in the trays.
- Janis: Well, don't worry about it. I'd just as soon have a little straightie.
- Robert Tracey: My place?
- Janis: I think it'd be dreamy. Don't you?
- Robert Tracey: Well, yes, well, it would. Dreamy.
- Language Teacher: It's most interesting. During the first few months after a divorce, one almost always decides to devote oneself to something serious and worthwhile. As for example, the United Nations. It's very odd, the psychology. One has been unable to save one's marriage so now one will compensate by saving the world.
- Robert Tracey: Grow a mustache?
- Charlie Nelson: Sure.
- Robert Tracey: I'd probably look like Groucho Marx.
- Robert Tracey: I have no interest in girls like Janis or that Marcia. We have nothing to talk about.
- Charlie Nelson: Look, Bobby, Janis is basic. You got to make it with a Janis or you're dead! Besides, who says you got to talk to them? You're back in the jungle, boy, you're a hungry tiger, a lithe, young animal.
- Robert Tracey: I'm a lithe, middle-aged animal.
- Charlie Nelson: Are you busy tonight? Maybe I can fix you up a date.
- Robert Tracey: No! Please! I will not go through that again. I just don't seem to have anything to say to 20-year-old girls anymore.
- Charlie Nelson: Look, Marcia, let's take a break. We've done enough for today, anyway. Now you type that stuff up, and we'll get a fresh start tomorrow. Let's make it early, around eleven.
- Dance Teacher: Stand back and watch me for a minute. Notice the hips. Swing, swing. Swing, swing the hips. Swing the bottom. Swing. Relax. Swing, swing, swing, swing, ole!
- Janis: You sounded like you were, you know, serious.
- Robert Tracey: Yeah, well, I'm serious, all right.
- [kiss]
- Janis: Boiiiiing!
- Robert Tracey: Boing?
- Janis: Yeah, boing!
- Janis: Gee, a tiger skin! You know, when I was a little girl, I used to think how romantic it would be to have a date with a fella with a tiger skin.
- Edith Chapman: What you must do is coolly and carefully select a man who is attractive to you, then go after him. Think of it as medicinal, something that has to be done.
- Janis: Who's all coming?
- Robert Tracey: Just you and me.
- Janis: Well, that's such a corny one. You know, Charlie Nelson pulled that one on me. The first night I ever met him, he says, "Come on over, we're gonna have a big party with drinking and necking and carrying on." Well, I just bit for it like a big dope. I says, "Sounds wonderful! Who's all gonna be there?" And he says...
- Janis, Robert Tracey: "Just you and me."
- Janis: Yeah. I tell you, I just laughed! You know, Charlie really flips me.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: Come on in. I'm just in the midst of making martinis.
- Charlie Nelson: Martinis?
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: I've got glasses in the ice box to chill. Is that right?
- Charlie Nelson: Well, that's imperative. That's absolutely crucial. You know, when I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is brush my teeth. The second thing, I put the glasses in to chill.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: There's something the matter with it, I can tell. I did something wrong. Probably bruised the gin. Would you tell me how you can possibly bruise gin?
- Charlie Nelson: I don't know how it happened to pop out right now. It's part of the famous Charlie Nelson technique. I don't know why I should be using it on you, though.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: I don't know why you shouldn't.
- Charlie Nelson: Hey, man, you smell good.
- Nina Tracey née Chapman: Well, I certainly should at $35 an ounce.