Emotional Availability

Friday, April 8, 2016 • 12:07 AM • 0 comments

In the dating process I've learned a lot about myself and what I truly value when it comes to love and romance.

Emotional Availability.

That to me is so important and what I truly value in a relationship.

I don't care if you can buy me nice expensive things. I don't care if you make thousands upon millions of bucks. I don't care if you drive a nice fancy car. I don't care if you have the handsomest face and the perfect body. I don't care. Sure I mean there is nothing wrong with all of this and it would no doubt be wonderful to have it all.

But all of that does not matter and is rendered meaningless & useless

..if you do not care about my feelings

..if you do not want to deal with me when I am upset

..if you resort to ignoring or avoiding conflict when clearly there are things that need to be addressed

..if you are not there for me when I am going through a hard time

..if you cannot open up, be vulnerable and show me your truest emotions

..if you do not let me into your world

..if you are unable to give me the emotional support that I occasionally need.

..if you disregard my emotional needs in general.

BASICALLY..

..if you are emotionally unavailable.

Because at the end of the day the truest genuine human connection lies in THE HEART. It lies in courageous openness and vulnerability. You cannot keep the flame alive or maintain a deep human bond if you keep on detaching, running away or building walls and fortresses around your heart. It is simply not possible. It only causes the bond to erode. and slip away. How do you expect to grow in love when you don't let each other in? When you're not vested 100%? When you're only halfway there?

He can buy you anything you want, support your lavish lifestyle or have the best looks, but if he doesn't care about your heart and what you feel and isn't there for you when you need him emotionally THEN WHAT IS THE POINT? It is going to hurt and make you feel miserable.

Last night I have been blessed to experience such wonderful love from my significant other. I opened up about some of my struggles and he was just completely there for me, 100%. He was fully present emotionally. In the course of our relationship I think it goes into the Top 5 moments I feel the most loved. He held me in his arms while I teared up and uplifted me with very kind, assuring and uplifting words of affirmation.

I'm so happy.

And hence the birth of this post.

So yes. Because of this I now really believe that for me, emotional availability is the most important factor to look for in a partner. With emotional availability everything else jives and flows. It creates a healthy climate for trust to be built. Without it trust is hard to build.
Emotional availability... means you are available to deal with hard difficult things. It means you are available to give and find the balance between give and take.

It simply means you are available to love authentically.

-Anthea ❤

A moment of liberation

Friday, June 26, 2015 • 12:42 AM • 0 comments

You see, I am quite an anxious person in my romantic relationship. I am super hypervigilant to every ebb and flow, to every dynamic. I see and feel everything. When it's ascending, when it's descending, when there's a pull, or a push.

It is the bane of my existence =.=

As a result of this hypervigilance and anxiety I have these somewhat irrational fears that come alive from time to time, and one of my greatest fears is that he will stop loving me and leave me for someone else who is probably more attractive, more understanding, more suited to his "taste" and has bigger boobs (HAHAHA). While I do know that I am the one girl that Roger loves very much, sometimes my mind is enshrouded by these dark thoughts and feelings i.e fears/demons.

And you wanna know what I told myself today?

If anything like that ever happens (TOUCHWOOD! PALIS PALIS JAUH JAUH), then it truly is his loss. and a gain for me.

Cause I think I am an awesome girl. Flawed, undoubtedly. But still awesome.

Finally for once today I did not succumb to my insecurities.

Instead of focusing on my weaknesses, I focused on my strengths. I was kind to myself.

It's not being cocky. It's not being arrogant. It's not being narcissistic or self-centred.

But being self-compassionate.

So yeah. I think I'm a great girl and I like all the good positive parts of myself, I wouldn't change it for the world. You can never find another Anthea in this world. I am uniquely me :)) Wouldn't ever want to swap lives with anyone else.

Successfully dodged that bullet.

And instead of feeling insecure, scared, inadequate, not good enough etc, I actually felt free and liberated.

Love yourself.

Cause you know what they say...

how can you ever love someone else, if you can't even love yourself?

Namaste.

-Anthea ❤

Deep inside

Friday, June 19, 2015 • 10:07 PM • 0 comments

I have been so miserable lately.

(Gosh. It feels so good to actually say & acknowledge that)

Life is so, so hard. Only now when I've entered the workforce and left the wonderful dreamland comfort of university that I realize how crazy hard this harsh piece of shit called life is.

And you feel pressure like never before. Your entire world is weighing you down. Like there are problems in every aspect of your life. And all of it combined equals to a force that just... kind of throws you off a bit.

I've been struggling to stay afloat. I feel like the waters are engulfing me that I can barely breathe.

And hardly anyone understands. And I feel so alone.

I try to reach out to God. I try to be positive.

But the truth is.

I am miserable.

I am so, so miserable.

Yes. I am finally acknowledging that I am. After trying so hard to put up a tough front.

Just waiting for the storm to pass.

-Anthea ❤

Here's a little perspective

Friday, November 21, 2014 • 9:25 PM • 0 comments

If someone or something is a top priority in your life, NO amount of EXCUSE will hinder your commitment to that priority.

There is always time for everything, even more so for someone whom or something that you CLAIM to be important to you.

It is as simple as that.

-Anthea ❤

(#1) Stripped down, Real & Raw : Finding the rest of yourself

Friday, November 7, 2014 • 12:43 AM • 0 comments

I used to think that I know myself pretty well. That I knew all there was to know about the essence of who I am. Anthea Peter = Extroverted XX-chromosomed human being, possesses an outgoing people-person nature who enjoys & greatly values a good quality conversation. Subsists on caffeine on a day-to-day basis and is predominantly inclined to the arts, creativity & self-expression…exudes a sort of niceness and bubbliness that would convince you that she is incapable of hurting a soul (but actually has an anger & irritability complex, with a high tendency to display it passive-aggressively). I know what I like, what I hate, how I would react in certain situations, my flaws & insecurities, my issues, my strengths & good qualities, etc…etc… Yeah I would think I know myself pretty well.

Until I got into a relationship.

You see, being in a relationship kind of catapults you into an entirely unknown and uncharted field of self-discovery that is yet to be explored – and I wish someone told me this, because it can hurt like a bloody bitch. It catapults you into this foreign territory so aggressively without warning that you fall into it head-first with your face planted onto the ground. Woah, didn’t see that coming I’m not sure I signed up for this, you might say to yourself. Amidst being tangled in a densely complicated web of thoughts (I swear to you these things gets you overthinking on friggin’ OVERDRIVE) whilst being overcome with so much emotion you might say… good heavens! There is so much I do not know about myself my identity is at stake THIS IS TOO MUCH TO PROCESS SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT STOP PLEASE LET ME BREATHE. In this whole new world suddenly I am seeing and encountering parts of myself I have never, in my life, seen and encountered before.

This is the power of emotional intimacy. It opens up this thing called “The Field of Intimacy” where you become in touch with the experiences of love you had as a child in your adult love relationship. Except that you wouldn’t know, at least at first…and unless you do some really, super deep reflecting and soul-searching, and connect the patterns of your relationship to your past childhood experiences. Our relationship with our parents and how we were brought up, I hate to say this, really does affect how we behave in our romantic relationships. Since, of course after all, our very first encounter of love, is with our parents. If you had a secure relationship with your parents, then great! But if you have had to deal with abuse (physical/verbal) and/or abandonment as a child… then this is where it can get really tricky (you can learn more about The Field of Intimacy on Psychology Today by clicking this).

I have always been single, almost all my life. And in fact, single is all I really know how to be. I entered my first real relationship at the age of 23, and it has been about a year now since the start of my relationship with Roger. As time goes by I feel that it becomes more and more apparent that the cold hard truth is… I really don’t know how to be in a relationship. At least in a mature one. It’s easy to be in love when you are caught up in the euphoric infatuation phase, everything is so effortless when you’re sitting atop cloud 9. But when the fiery passion inevitably mellows down it takes work, continual effort and a mature kind of love to keep the relationship going.

All your flaws start to show, all these conflicts happen... through these you discover a lot of things about yourself. Hence you come to a realization that… you are broken. you are so broken. And you think to yourself…gawddamn! there is truly a lot you have to work on in order to be a better person not only for yourself, but for your partner and the quality of your relationship. But the beauty of it is you have the choice of turning that brokenness into something beautiful.

I have learned that there are some deep-rooted hurts that I have not been healed of and it greatly affects the way I behave in my relationship. It is extremely uncomfortable to come face-to-face with it and to do something about it. It hurts. It hurts so much. But it is necessary. For growth, for resilience, for the betterment of you who are, for trying to be the best version of yourself you could possibly be.

As cliché as this may sound it does take a certain kind of pain to break-free, but it is a good kind of pain. For a lack of a good analogy imagine yourself being glued against a surface. (please don't ask why you got glued there in the first place LOL). This surface holds you back from being free. This glue has dried up and you really are just so friggin’ stuck there. You want to un-glue yourself but you know it would rip all your skin off hahahaha and it would hurt too much so you stay, stuck to that surface, just to avoid that pain…but then you are miserable. Because you are stuck there and you can’t move forward.

You want to move forward? You need to bear the pain of breaking free.

It’s been hard. It’s been really, really hard. I’ve been trying to work on things, like being more self-compassionate as a lack of self-compassion has caused me to subconsciously believe that I am unworthy of love…[note: why I lack self-compassion is a whole entire story on its own]. As a result it kind of makes me a sorta needy girlfriend who tends to feel rejected way too easily (and being a hypersensitive person by innate nature DOES NOT HELP AT ALL). I also subconsciously + instinctively look to my boyfriend to assure me of my worth – which is actually very unhealthy. And quite destructive. You cannot tie your worth to another human being. That is too much pressure to put on a person. This behaviour of tying your worth to another person (whether or not you realize you are doing it. Some of us don’t realize) only results in disappointment and even more hurt….because humans are essentially flawed it is impossible for a person to show up 100% of the time, even though they sincerely try to the best of their ability. This causes a general unhappiness in the relationship.

So I am working on all this. I have adopted the belief that if you want things to change or improve you have to 'be the change you want to see' and improve yourself first. And I really am trying so hard. The toughest battles are indeed in situations where it would cause me to automatically react by feeling rejected and unloved, a classic example would be when I perceive that my boyfriend would rather hang out with his friends than me [keyword: perceive. does not necessarily mean it is the truth] or when he doesn’t reply my texts straight away [causes me to perceive that he is avoiding me or isn't interested in me], or when he doesn’t ask how I am feeling [causes me to perceive that he doesn’t care about me].

I know. Crazy right? Hahahaha. All this, believe it or not, stems from a lack of self-love.

I find myself being slightly impatient with my progress, I just wish all these issues would go away overnight so I don’t have to deal with the discomfort of the struggle...it feels a lot like swimming against strong currents (not that I have actually swam against currents before hahaha but you can imagine it I’m sure). The point here is, great things take time. Healing takes time. Growth takes time. Excellence in anything requires effort, patience and time.

Back when I was single I used to be deathly afraid that if I were to enter into a relationship, I would get so consumed into it that I would lose myself and I wouldn’t know who I am anymore. But actually the opposite is true; in a relationship you actually find and discover the rest of yourself.

It’s a gobsmacking insight I tell you.

So this I owe to my most beloved boyfriend Roger. There is no way I would’ve known any of this without you. And if I don’t know any of this there is no way I would ascertain what very specific parts of myself that need healing and growth. So even though it hurts like a maderpaker (hahahaha), it is what I need to push forward. For this I am grateful.

-Anthea ❤

Joy in the little things

Friday, October 31, 2014 • 12:30 AM • 0 comments

I woke up today, honestly, feeling like absolute crap.

It is just a natural human condition to have days where you just want to...

...basically not function. at all.

(which I'm guessing is only possible in an imaginary ideal world that doesn't & cannot exist LOL)

It is especially inherent if you are an XX-chromosome bearing homosapien. Thank you PMS for forever making the lives of females a living 'heaven'.....not.

I just felt depressed.

But then my day took a turn for the better...and it all started when my sister dropped by at the coffee house today, not to have coffee, but to deliver me a pack of sushi and Snyder's of Hanover pretzel pieces. That was her sole reason.

I WAS SO TOUCHED.

I needed it. I am so blessed to have a big sister. Seriously. I cannot take that for granted. At all. Ever.

You see the thing about some girls in PMS is that we are just needing a little bit more of that tender loving care. And my sister gave me just that. I wanted to tear up because it just hit me right in the feels (also because i'm hormonal hahahha). Kind of reminds me of the ending in that insanely popular animation movie 'Frozen'...where Anna accidentally got frozen by her sister's magical freezing powers hahahah and only an act of true love could thaw her frozen heart (and prevent her from dying or something? I don't know I forgot hahahaha) But what I remember most is the ending. The very twist in the animation is that you'd think that Anna's romantic interest would be the one to thaw her heart... but no, it was her very own sister Elsa..... you would know if you watched it. hahaha. It's actually a heart-warming movie with a really good message.

Following my sister's gift-bearing visit I felt that things started to look up. It felt like the universe was a little gentle on me. And somehow my attention is diverted into the little things that should be noticed and appreciated....

That customer who usually orders a caramel macchiato with extra caramel didn't seem so condescending and self-entitled today (I usually get really bothered by it hahahah) and was actually nice and slightly more polite.

My barista colleague offered to make me a piccolo latte when I just randomly announced that I needed coffee hahaha. So very kind and thoughtful.

My other colleague told me to take some of the take-out food someone bought in addition to our pre-packed lunch. All this made me realize that my workmates actually feel like family and it makes me so glad to be working with some really nice people.

My mum could pick me up from work today and she didn't complain about it. Hahaha.

My boyfriend and I still managed to meet and have dinner at a new spot we've never been to before, even though he's been busy all day.

And my favorite "little thing" of all today is when my boyfriend took my hand and held it as he drove me home...(no, this has never got us into an accident hahahah) and even though we do it almost all the time, it is still one of my favorite little things.

I also bumped into Nelly and Mel Nic at Pick & Pay after dinner and I had a really wonderful chat with them and that made me happy too.

And now I am ending the day with a lighter and more positive mood :)

There is always joy in the little things if you choose to see it, and appreciate it. It diverts your attention from the negatives to the positives...and it leaves you happier and more fulfilled.

-Anthea ❤

Self-discovery never ends

Tuesday, October 21, 2014 • 12:13 AM • 0 comments

For all of my life, ever since childhood up to adulthood, I have been told to my face numerous times that I am too sensitive.

And with that transpires a string of consequential outcomes that has shaped the way I deal and cope with my emotions.

Every time I am told that I am too sensitive, I get the message that

What I feel is irrational, needless, invalid, uncalled for
I shouldn’t feel what I feel (because I’m just being too sensitive)
I should just suck it up and dismiss these feelings

And I realize, this has compounded so much over the years that it has become completely unhealthy. It has caused me to adopt a very unhealthy coping mechanism, and that is emotional eating (but thank God I have toned this down a lot). “Yes, I’m sad. Yes I’m angry. VERY angry. Yes I’m hurt. Yes I’m depressed. But I’m not acknowledging it. I’m shutting it all down. Because it’s nothing, I’m just being too sensitive. I will make myself feel better and make it all go away with food that makes me happy”. Yes, even if I actually do have a LEGITIMATE and ABSOLUTELY VALID reason to feel what I feel, I tell myself that it is nothing and it will go away. This is not healthy.

When it comes to relationships with those who are close to me, I find it extremely difficult to communicate my feelings of disappointment, anger, sadness, etc all due to the very reason that I have become a non-confrontational person who is so afraid of conflict, who doesn’t know how to effectively deal and cope with feelings that arise out of conflict. Conflict just makes me feel extremely anxious to the point that I can lose my appetite and feel my immune system weakening (no I am not being dramatic here). I did not grow up in an environment where it is safe to express your emotions, especially when you’re hurt, angry, mad or upset. Again, this is not healthy. At the end of the day, I bottle all my feelings up. I seethe in resentment either consciously or unknowingly. And I know that I only hurt myself by doing this.

This I have always known. And have been trying so hard to change. But I have been led to a whole new revelation.

I do not practice self-compassion.

When self-compassion is literally THE MOST IMPORTANT THING that you ever have to do, because it affects every other aspect of your life, ESPECIALLY in how you connect with others, how you develop and cultivate relationships, and also the building of self-confidence...the things that fuel the quality of the life you live and make you live your potential. It all starts with self-compassion. Loving yourself, and believing that you are worthy and full of potential...(please, this is not to be confused with and mistaken for narcissism).

The toughest person on me is indeed, my very own self. When things are less than ideal or when failures occur, it is extra hard for me because I associate my own failures as myself being useless and never good enough, instead of having a healthy mind set about it i.e failure is natural in the path to success/it doesn’t always have to be perfect.

A self-compassionate person will never do this to themselves.

A self-compassionate person is kind, gentle and loving to themselves.

A self-compassionate person DOES NOT INVALIDATE their own feelings.

I believe that this lack of self-compassion stems from the way I have been treated when I was being brought up, and being told that I am too sensitive, is a huge part of it. It has led me to reject a part of myself. And rejecting yourself is obviously not being compassionate with yourself....

Before I stray too far from what I am trying to put across, what I am saying is… with this revelation in mind, I NEED TO PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION.

And I am going to start by developing a healthier coping mechanism for my emotions. The first step to that, is to tell myself that what I feel is still what I feel, and I should just accept it, and embrace every single bit of it, regardless of whether I have a valid reason for it or not, regardless of whether PEOPLE THINK I’M OVERREACTING or whether they think they are INVALID.

I don’t think having feelings, whatever it may transpire from, be it a big or small petty issue, is bad. Or shameful. It only becomes a problem when you let it consume you, or when you act out in such a way that it causes a negative impact to the ones around you. So fucking what if you are sensitive? Your feelings are not invalid. Don’t let people tell you otherwise. Stand up for yourself. Just have a healthy means of dealing with it.

So I am telling myself, it is okay to be emotional. It is part of who you are. And self-compassion is all about accepting who you are. Everything! Your strong points….and all the broken parts of yourself. Just don’t let it be a destructive force of detriment to your life and your relationships.

Project self-compassion: ACTIVATED!

-Anthea ❤

There's hope

Sunday, September 28, 2014 • 10:59 PM • 0 comments

Today at Sunday mass during the exchange of the sign of peace (by bowing to each other or shaking hands and saying 'Peace Be With You), I spotted a couple who looked to be in their late 40's -- the husband gave his wife a side hug and a kiss on the cheek.

It is the first time I have ever seen anything like that in real life.

And it warmed my heart so much.

You see a part of me is a marriage-sceptic. A part of me is resistant towards it. A part of me thinks that once a man and a woman form a union through marriage, by some inexplicable unstoppable unseen force, things CHANGE and they are doomed to a life of constant non-stop bickering, every single day. Bickering after bickering..argument after argument, both petty and serious. The tender loving care and affection stops. No party wants to step down from their ego. No party wants to apologize and say sorry. Both parties end up shutting off and turning away from each other. Both parties don't want to talk through their feelings rationally and diplomatically. Both parties end up being extremely unhappy with each other.

Because that's what I saw a lot, growing up..

But I ABSOLUTELY refuse to believe that it will be like this. Undoubtedly the bickering and arguments will definitely be inevitable...it's a natural occurrence for sure. But I refuse to believe that every marriage will result in constant hurt and resentment. In constant belittling. In constant emotional distancing and withdrawing. Because I believe in carving a reality far different from this one -- I believe in working at a relationship that will be fulfilling, nourishing and nurturing for both parties, one that lifts the other up and that it will not end up being a draggy, emotionally-draining, toxic, hurtful and unsatisfying relationship.

I might sound idealistic. I might sound naively optimistic. But if the reality that I want to carve is not even remotely possible, then to me there is no point at all in getting married. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't nurture and nourish you... who doesn't make making you happy a part of their priorities...who doesn't RESPECT you and doesn't honour the marriage you are in together...Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who only brings you down?

So what I saw today, that man who gave his wife a kiss on the cheek, gave me hope that the reality I hope to carve can exist. Of course it is just a kiss on a cheek and it is hardly an indicator of the quality of their marriage. It only scratches the surface, we don't know what really goes on. But how often do you see couples of such age be loving and affectionate like that? It is so rare... Do you think couples in unhappy marriages would do that? I don't think so. So I would say that kiss on the cheek would mean something....

There is hope after all.

-Anthea ❤

Here I am again

Thursday, August 28, 2014 • 1:50 AM • 0 comments

12.59am

Wow, how lovely it is to be able to sit down and write. I miss this. I haven't really had the chance to do this since up to last weekend because I have been so caught up training for a Crossfit competition that I could barely find the energy to write at night... (night time is my favorite time to write, and because I come back tired from training almost every night...I usually don't have much energy left to blog. Hahah). Also cause I haven't really been getting much time alone. So yay to blogging!

Thoughts:

1. I feel like my life as of late has been so centered around training for the X45 challenge that I feel like I don't know what to f-ing do with my life right now... I feel this sudden void and emptiness now that it is over. Hahahah.

2. Which is why now I am trying to take a step back and re-evaluate my life.... where the frickin heck am I headed to in this life? What on EARTH am I doing with my life?? What do I want to really, really do? It is depressing to realize that nothing much is going on in the career department. I am aware of the fact that I am completely responsible for that. Which is why I really feel like beating myself up.

3. I am hormonal right now. And my day earlier was pretty.. dark. In a sense that I felt so sad and depressed... god knows how many times I've cried. I was so restless on the inside that I thought nothing could make me feel better. Even the thought of things that would usually make me happy did not seem like it would make me feel better either. I lied in bed not wanting to get up, feeling absolutely helpless. I felt very alone. And then I started to hear & feel these lies in my head... you're hopeless/ you're not good enough/you're unimportant, a second priority, a second choice/ a disappointment to your parents/ a waste-of-space small-town lifer/ he doesn't love you.

It's crazy, so crazy =.= I mean, adaka? Hahaha.

And so I told my sister about it (who is also PMS-ing hahaha so she empathizes). She told me why not eat some carbs so that I would feel better...

And I boiled a potato later on for dinner..(I ALSO MADE DEEP FRIED CHICKEN WINGS OOH LA LA) and I felt SO MUCH BETTER after my potato, and that restlessness I was feeling earlier? It almost totally went away. Serotonin boost from the potato helped my mood too I believe!

This therefore concludes that I think PMS is really a biochemical thing. Which is why I'm looking into taking Evening Primrose Oil and Calcium + Magnesium to alleviate symptoms... I've never done that. Though my mum keeps on asking me to take EPO. But do I actually listen? hahahah I think it's about time that I actually did.

Stupid PMS and my boobies hurt.

4. And to conclude this post with my last thought...

I have been watching a lot of TedX videos on YouTube and mannnn these things ARE TOTALLY ma kind of thing yo. Refreshing insight and information that just..provokes your thoughts, opens and broadens your mind... I LOVE IT. YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.

Here's one of my favorites:

And here's an excerpt of her speech:

I still get very high and very low in life. Daily. But I finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made,
that I don't have to hide it..I don't have to fix it.

I'm not broken.

And I've actually started to wonder if maybe you're sensitive too. Maybe you feel great pain and deep joy, but you just
don't feel safe talking about it in the real world.

And so now instead of trying to make myself tougher, I write and I serve people to help create a world where sensitive people
don't need superhero capes. Where we can all just come out into the big bright messy world and tell the truth, and forgive each other
for being human and admit together that YES, life is really hard. But also insist that together we can do hard things"

"Life is beautiful. And life is brutal. Life is brutaful. All the time and every day. And only one thing has made the difference for me
and that is this...I used to numb my feelings and hide, and now I feel my feelings, and I share. That's the only difference.

This spoke a multitude of volumes to me because I am a very sensitive person myself, and I have been trying to deal with that all my life. It is just comforting how someone out there is telling you that it is okay to be sensitive, it is okay to feel the things you feel at such intensity.

I am not broken.

-Anthea ❤

Just another rant

Saturday, July 26, 2014 • 3:35 AM • 0 comments

Today was a hard day for me. There were way too many things that got on my nerve today, it is almost unbelievable. and I just wanted to explode from keeping it all inside. I am trying out this thing called 'MAINTAIN YOUR COMPOSURE AND DON'T REACT IRRATIONALLY. NO THIS DOESN'T BOTHER YOU. NO THIS DOESN'T IRRITATE YOU. NO THIS DOESN'T HURT YOUR FEELINGS". It is a tough thing to pull off and it becomes very overwhelming like you can't breathe.

PMS and being hormonal is horrible, absolutely horrendous.

I woke up today wanting to retreat and disengage from the world. I didn't want to deal with anything. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to withdraw from all social interaction. Yes on the very day that I had things to do and a potluck to attend, which demands that I interact actively with people.....

Right now I can finally take off all my masks and vent about how I really feel. Sometimes I wish the people around me would experience for themselves the gravity or the severity of the things I feel during PMS, so that they'd at least try to be more considerate, understanding and accommodating of my situation. But that's just selfish.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being angry. I hate being sad and anxious. I hate being pessimistic, cynical and unhopeful. I don't want to be. I didn't ask for any this. I wish I can make it all go away. I am not like this when I am not hormonal. Believe me when I say I'm trying so, so, SO hard to not let this affect me or the people in my life. It's not easy and it gets overwhelming.

It is so tiring to go through this every month. I just want to cry.

-Anthea ❤

Faith & Doubt

Tuesday, June 10, 2014 • 11:11 PM • 0 comments

I remember one time many years back, during my teens when I was super active in church... Melissa Nicholas, who was the coordinator of Lifeteen Ministry at the time, talked to us about our faith in God. I do not remember the exact words she said, but I remember perfectly what I interpreted.

It somewhat went along the lines of.."Yes, right now you are on fire for God. You are active in the church and your faith is soaring. You think that you will NEVER go astray. But will you still be, say 5 years down the line? There might come a time when you start to lose it all and go astray". And if i'm not mistaken, she went on to say something about how it is really important to cling to your faith and not go astray.

I remember that my initial reaction was.. no. no way will I ever lose touch with my faith. that's not possible. at all...(cause my faith then was rock solid).

So as I stumbled upon this recollection of thoughts in my mind earlier... I couldn't help but feel a bit fearful.

Because it's true.

Mel Nic was right. She was so right. She is right.

I have come to a point in my life where I have never doubted so strongly about my faith. That it almost feels like He is a complete stranger. I never had it this bad.

I'm so scared of losing my faith. I'm so scared of losing God.

What if I stray too far away...and never find my way back?

-Anthea ❤

The value of genuine friendship

Wednesday, June 4, 2014 • 1:21 AM • 0 comments

Janey Tracey Jimah! My TOP-NOTCH lifelong friend. I've known her since I was 8 (I am now 24), and we did a lot of things together since then and have been through many things together. Countless church camps & retreats, countless yam cha sessions and hang outs just doing random things like going to the movies and playing Dance Dance Revolution, or like that one time she came over to the house and we baked lasagne together. She knows me in ways many other people don't. and I think she has also known every single crush i've ever had during our teen days and knows how crazzzyyy I could get over those boys. Oh..those were the days. Hahahaha.

Nowadays we only get to meet once to thrice a year, since in the past years she has been studying in the west, and now working there too. But she recently came back to KK! For the festivities. We met up today (MADE HER TRY OUT CROSSFIT!! hahahaha) and it was as if no time has passed between us. You know how things get awkward after not meeting somebody for a long time? Yeah. That doesn't exist between us. We picked up right where we left off!

I had a wonderful time today :) Spending some time with Janey and a few of her other friends was exactly what I needed after a gruelling, absolutely DEBILITATING time of tension and distraught that has just come to pass (which I'm still trying to recover from). Just really feel at ease :) Spending time with Janey brought back feelings of being carefree and young, the kind of feeling you get during your childhood when you didn't have a care in the world and things were so much simpler. It was a taste of a time when we were all once younger with untainted innocence, free..and happy. which I miss.

Did a bit of catching up, exchanged life updates. I love how she knows how to listen intently, and I love how she always knows what to say. She knows when to speak up, when to keep quiet, and what body language to display...almost all the time without ever giving off a judgemental vibe. Which I so truly appreciate. I mean who the hell likes being judged or eyeballed when you are pouring out your sorrows and vulnerabilities? My point exactly.

Janey actually has quite a natural sense of deduction when it comes to assessing things like what people really mean when they say something or the motives of some people's actions...I've realized this a number of times over the years of our friendship. Haha. And sometimes it just feels like she really just understands, and you don't even have to explain a lot.

All in all, we just jive. Effortlessly. What I love the most about her? Her kind, selfless heart and HER WEIRDNESS. Hahahaha. Her weirdness is unlike any other; it's funny, entertaining, sometimes embarrassing (HAHAHA sorry janey) but mostly endearing in the most unique way. If you know her you would know what I'm talking about. Hahaha.

I think these kind of friendships are really hard to come by, which is why I truly treasure this and I will go absolutely out of my way to make time for these kind of friends and to continually nurture the friendship, and preserve what has been built over the years.

So I shall end this with a quote that i've always loved..which I believe rings so incredibly true. and I hope it would inspire you to cherish the friendships that mean a lot to you in your life.

"There’s no prize to be gained on this earth that’s greater than the prize of great relationships.

Be rich where it matters."

-Anthea ❤

The start of my 24th birthday

Thursday, May 29, 2014 • 8:25 AM • 0 comments

7.14am

It is the morning of my birthday and here I am sitting cross-legged on my bed feeling HUNGOVER AS HECK.

Damn it I drank too much last night...(actually it was only several hours ago LOL) and I find myself to be immersing in regret at this very moment. Who the heck wants to be hungover on their birthday?! I've never been hungover on my birthday seriously. But I'm guessing there is a first for everything. Hahahaha. And I absolutely cannot deny that last night WAS SO MUCH FUN. I was happy and I had a blast (well only up to the point where I started to get really dizzy and succumbed to puking in the end hahahaha). KDCA during Kaamatan is FREAKING AWESOME! I love it! (Yes it was actually my first time there when it is open for Kaamatan festivities)

I can BARELY remember the coherent flow of events last night, particularly after 12 midnight.

I do remember drinking a lot, that's a given. HAHA. A tequila shot...beer...some commercialized lihing in the flavors of pineapple and orange..(peach would've been really lovely HAHA). Bottoms up-ed almost everything. Damn. Making a mental note to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN...(yeah that's what I say every time but do I actually listen to myself? hahahah)

I do remember high five-ing almost everyone in my drunken state. HAHHAA. I do remember going to the toilet and I was already so dizzy and I was trying so hard to compose myself and not suddenly trip or something hahahaha. I do remember receiving a birthday hug and a kiss from my boyfriend just right after 12 midnight it was so lovely it made me feel happy :) OHHHHH and yeah of course i remember that everyone sang happy birthday for me! loudly. hahaha. That was so nice! :)

OH and clams. OMG I remember there were so many clams? As pusas. I tried some of it. It was horrid. Hahahaha. And nobody was eating it and I remember just sitting there looking at the clams questioning "why are there so many clams?"...hahahha. I do remember that this guy was trying to get my boyfriend to do something I totally forgot what but I think I probably didn't like it so I ended up giving him some sort of a death stare then this other guy said something like "ko tinguk dia punya mata tu laser" or was it "mata laser"..can't remember but keywords were "mata" and "laser" ahahaha it was funnnyyy.

I do remember Ann buying me water cause I was already so dizzy, she asked if I wanted water and she bought me water.. ahhh Ann she is awesome and such a sweet person I love her! Oh and I also remember Jordan who "jokingly" said that Roger was avoiding me and I was like "whaaaat whyyyyy" terus kena shoot balik "because you too clingy" hahahaha and I think I gave him the middle finger. HAHAHA. F you Jordan! And I think I was slightly affected by what he said (cause I do wonder if I'm too clingy sometimes hahahahaha) I almost wanted to tear up and then Roger said "He's just joking love". Terus tida jadi nangis hahahaha nasibbb. Doi gia urang mabuk ni. Emosi. Hahaha.

Oh and the gongs! I remember the guys went to pukul the gongs. Sounded pretty legit! Well in the beginning I think...and then it started to get a bit off beat? ahahhaa I don't know.

What else? OHHH and I do remember my nephew Phelan asking me if I was ok (yes I have a nephew just a few years younger than me isn't that awesome). I do not remember how I responded, or what I actually said. I'm guessing that it was typical drunk person response. HAHAHA. But I do remember that in the end Phelan was saying "Ok you should go home" or something like that and he was telling Roger that I should go home? Hahahha

And then we started to make a move to go home. I stood up, and felt the gravity of my drunkenness come upon me like a sudden thud. The world was f-ing SPINNING yo! Hahahah. Roger and I made our way out... but I think we were shaking hands and saying bye to a few people first. I do remember out of nowhere there was this guy whom I think was a friend of a friend, shook my hand and said "you're very pretty" hahahah that was sweet. Don't remember how he looks like all I know was he was somewhat shorter than me hahahahaa jahat oh sya.

Aha then I remember walking out of KDCA with Roger and I was not the most stable hahaha and I remember holding onto him for balance and thinking how lovely and wonderful it is to have somebody like this. It reminded me of how much I love him.

And we made our way to the car. Which was seberang the road. Luckily didn't get hit by any cars. Hahahaha. Reached the car and just before entering I felt the urge to puke. AND I PUKED. oh my goodness I puked. Hahaha. So horrendous. UGH. I have not puked because of alcohol in about 2 and a half years, because I have been sure to regulate my alcohol intake during drinking sessions so as to not reach such a HORRENDOUS state..(but it's my birthday this time so..hahhaa and I totally underestimated that damn lihing hahaha). The last time I went through something like this was December 2011. At a little get together at my house where we did tequila shots and finished the whole damn bottle of tequila. It was horrendous.

And then we went home. This was about 2am. Which was an hour past my curfew.

I remember trying to get my UTMOST shit together and putting on the greatest act of sobriety despite my apparent intoxication. Hahahha. Entered the house and my mum got out of the living room and wished me happy birthday. Made as little eye contact as possible because takut kedapatan mabuk hahahaa.

Well there are quite a lot of other things that I remember but of course I am not actually gonna write about it all over here hahahah.

Totally having an awesome birthday so far :) Definitely better than my birthday last year where it was spent mostly stressing about a literature review I had to write about the 2008 global financial crisis. Hahaha.. (I woke up at 7am to freaking write that lit review ok!)

So I guess that's it for now. I still have my 24th birthday to experience, it's only 8.23am now. Most probably gonna get more sleep! Then decide what to do later. All I'm thinking now is.. NEW WK DIM SUM, BASKIN ROBBINS ICE CREAM and GOOD COFFEE.

Hope it's gonna be a good day today!

-Anthea ❤

Dealing with PMS

Friday, May 23, 2014 • 5:29 PM • 0 comments

There comes a time in a woman's life that is deemed absolutely dreadful (which occurs repeatedly throughout her existence, but thankfully it is temporary) and that is the time when she inevitably succumbs to a case of Prehistoric Monster Syndrome or perhaps more commonly known as.. PMS (My boyfriend likes to call it Predator Mode though. hahahah).

Basically it is that time of the month when a girl's hormones kind of go out of whack..and she gets REALLY hungry almost ALL the time and she has all sorts of food cravings and her emotions go on overdrive. She gets overly-sensitive, angry..moody..disconnected..extremely irritable...and not very stable, to put it simply. LOL. She does not do this on purpose, as this is something she has no complete control over. Here's a little tip for the guys: NEVER, I repeat, NEVER say 'It's only in the mind' to a girl who is hormonal, BECAUSE IT IS NOT. It is the WORST thing to say, please trust me on this. If you do say that, oh things are not going to be very pretty for you my friend. And by 'not going to be very pretty' I do somewhat mean along the lines of 'summoning of an apocalypse'.

As a soon-to-be 24 year old female I have gone through COUNTLESS phases of PMS.

And I know what I like and DON'T like when I'm PMS-ing.

So I have come up with a list of things that personally eases this PMS thing for a bit. It varies from girl to girl and it isn't necessarily the same for all females. Hopefully this would provide some sort of insight for the XY chromosome-bearing population as well. Hahahaha. So lo and behold...

Top 5 soothing balms to the PMS-ing soul

1. DEEP FRIED CHICKEN
(or ANYTHING deep fried, really)

Deep fried chicken, calamari, french fries, potato wedges, ANYTHING deep-fried, preferably with a good crunch...YOU NAME IT.

This does it. Man, this just DOES IT. So gratifying you have no idea. HAHA.

But of course, such gratification is only temporary and the PMSing girl is very much likely to mull and beat herself up over the fact that she, due to a momentary lapse of reason, just deliberately consumed a million calories.

And the exact same thing happens with the next thing on this list. Which is....

2. ....ICE CREAM
(or any type of dessert, really)

Mint chocolate chip ice cream (all-time fave!)

Waffles and Ice Cream oh ma goodness

CHOCOLATE FONDANT. HOW CAN YOU NOT.

Nothing like a lovely affogato. I prefer the ice cream to be chocolate though!

I don't think I have to say much about this part. Dessert is a true winner! Yes even though I am not really that much of a sweet tooth (I prefer savory stuff, really). So I don't have dessert that often.

But still I have my moments and I am a complete sucker for ice cream.. I cannot and will not give it up, ever. hahaha. And still, PMSing or not PMSing, dessert totally puts me in a happy place and definitely calms my sense of being. I don't know why, this stuff is just MAGIC. Hahaha.

3. HART OF DIXIE

This is my all-time favorite TV show and I don't know why there is just something incredibly therapeutic about the whole small town in Alabama setting and the southern accent and everything. I just LOVE it. The script can be really funny and witty too!

This is also calms my state of being.

4. CUDDLING
(or anything low-key and quiet with the boyfriend, really)

This is probably the MOST SOOTHING balm to the PMSing soul EVER..(that is not food-related hahaha).

I love cuddling. It's the best thing in the world and it always makes me feel happy.

It's just nice knowing you are loved, that you have somebody and that you are not alone. Cause I'm telling ya some girls can get a wee bit needy during PMS and are seeking more attention than usual. Well I don't know that for sure really, maybe it's just me. HAHAHA. I think some girls would want to be just left alone. and sometimes I do want to be left alone and not talk/interact with anyone AT ALL... but most of the time during PMS I just really want my boyfriend. Hahaha.

Well bottomline is when a girl is PMSing there is a very high likelihood that she would feel sad or moody for no reason at all, and to just have someone hold her tenderly and affectionately would really make her feel okay again.

5. WRITING

Nothing much to say here. Writing is therapy. Therapy is writing. Expressing and writing how I feel is as good as pouring out to a confidant. Well for me at least.

annnnnd, we have come to the end!

Other soothing balms include.....

a time of meditation, a good run, a good laugh, a really good cry, a good conversation, doodling and sketching, listening to angry music if you're angry (because it validates and expresses how you feel hahaha), songwriting and composing music, watching recipe videos and trying the recipes out, watching the sunset, window shopping, retail therapy and so many more... it's all in the little things.

Well. A girl has gotta do what she's gotta do to cope and not let PMS get the best of her :)

-Anthea ❤