Eat Your Heart Out

OK, first order of business.

I apologize if the new blog header offends you, or took you by surprised. I sure hope you weren't in a public place or in the office when you viewed my blog hehehe.

Let me know if it's too much. I'll remove it.... eventually.

I just felt like doing it..... I mean taking skanky pics of myself. This is the post-break up (even though Joe and I weren't ever together) sexy, crazy acting out phase. Showing Joe what he's missing even though he won't probably ever see this.

As for my blog readers, I guess I have never really showed you any pics of myself or body LOL, so here's something for you.....

Again I apologize if this is not what you wanted to see! This is just a one off thing, I won't be doing this in the next few posts! *promise*

OK, am I wrong for saying I have a nice ass?
It appears tight and shapely mostly due to the tightness of the briefs haha.

And I don't actually look that tanned. I edited the colour, brightness and contrast. In real life, I'm fair as a vampire.

And yup, I'm sucking in my tummy hahaha. That's the one area of my body I dislike :S

I tried taking pics of my chest from several angles (OK that sounds bloody vain), to try to show the shape and define-ness *cough cough*, but in the end couldn't find the right angle so just took a frontal shot :3

Please don't hate me k!

XOXO

Liberation

OK bitches, J-boy is back. Move over.

OK... sorry for the dramatic opening statement lol....

I had an awesome day... started out with gym (didn't see him, don't really care either), then watched a movie on dvd while enjoying a Sub, then I drove over to mandi manda and you know what happens, then I had McD for supper haha.

For the past couple of months, I have been a saint. Saving myself, sexually and spiritually for Joe. It was like I was a virgin again LOL. You might think that's stupid, but I thought it was noble of me to keep myself pure for him, I wanted to be exclusive for him. I put myself on a platter JUST for him.

But fuck that thought now. Joe, it's your lost. All of this hotness and the banging bod of mine is something you will never know and touch. Forgive me for the following hyper vain statement, but I looked in the mirror just now and I realized I'm more attractive than I give myself credit for, and my body is probably in the best shape it has ever been. So I shouldn't feel like I'm not good enough.

And if you thought I was losing my mojo, the attention I got at the sauna tonight would prove you wrong. Sure, I agree most guys there are just perverts wanting a good time, but the fact that I can get their attention despite the large crowd shows I have appeal. And it was a good crowd tonight. I was there at 8, I have never seen so many guys there (today is naked night), most are in shape and young, with very few uncles or large tummies. So it felt good to know I still got game despite the above average crowd.

Maybe the reason I have been so crazy and emotionally unstable for the past 2 months was because I wasn't having sex hahahaha. I mean, I have been so fucking deprived lately, that today's session felt so damn good, and the moment this guy touched me and used his tongue on me..... I felt incredibly sensitized, it was almost too overwhelming and I had to push his head away for a while, like it was my first time having sex again haha.... My body seemed to have forgotten the sensation, and how good it feels to be licked, sucked and rimmed. Or maybe this guy really had a great tongue. I don't know. I don't care. All I know is........... today was incredibly satisfying and much needed.

I did feel a bit dirty afterwards though. I had a thorough bath and scrubbing.... maybe it's been too long since I've been a whore. And the thought of an STD definitely went through my mind. But I did take the precautions, the golden rule still applies. But yeah, casual sex has its risks.

Don't think I will be having sex and visiting saunas again every other week, because for now I feel satisfied and tamed. Let's see how long it will last ;)

XOXO

Joe Journal: Do I See Light at the End of the Tunnel?

This Joe thing is just leaving me horribly empty on the inside.

Things were getting better. Saw him on Tuesday. Saw him today. I no longer feel so strongly about him because I'm already sensing that he feels impartial/neutral about me. He no longer looks at me.  He's just another guy at the gym. A very attractive guy in my eyes.

I'm starting to get over him, though its a day by day thing. My feelings for him oscillates, one moment I feel like I'm recovering, the next I sorely miss him.

Either way, the only word I can think of to describe how I feel is EMPTINESS.
Hollow on the inside. I'm neither happy nor upset. Just empty. Empty.

At least I'm finally starting to move on......... just need to get through this phase.

I think I see a little light at the end, though it's still a distance away.
Right now I'm surrounded by darkness. Can't see clearly. Can't hear a thing.
It sucks to be here.

Just need to keep walking.... 


XOXO

Joe Journal: Escalator

Been exactly another week since I ran into Joe again. It seems I only see him on Mondays now.

The gym was so crowded. He was working out and chatting with some friends. When I arrived, I knew he kinda saw me. Apart from that, the rest of the night was cold. He didn't bother to look at me at all, even as I walked by. No chance for me to smile, say hi or just have eye contact. I was left feeling high and dry.

Being left to lick my wounds, I left after showering and I saw he was doing some post workout stretching. I went upstairs to Subway to 'tapao' dinner/supper. On my way down, I saw him walking out of the gym. He didn't see me. I was heading down to the carpark. I intentionally slowed down so that he would catch up with me. I was lucky he was going to the same place as me. 

He was literally standing behind me on the escalator/walkalator. I didn't turn back, but I knew he was standing behind me. And it so happened we both parked on level B2. So he tailed me all the way to the autopay machine. When I was paying, he was waiting behind me. Then when I left, I saw him paying at the same machine I did.

In retrospect, I should have turned to say hi. Don't know why I didn't think of doing it at all. That was the perfect opportunity. Isolated, just us, no on lookers. I could have just gave him my name card or something. Even if I made a fool of myself and he wasn't interested, at least it was isolated.

Another way of looking at it, the fact he didn't make any move even though I was just in front of him at a quiet place..... that just shows he's not interested. Or, he's super closeted to the point he just doesn't have the guts to hit on another guy. OK the first reason makes more sense.

So you guys were right to think I am crazy and totally imagining things. For a moment, it all felt so real. Honestly. The way he looked at me. I didn't initiate it. He looked at me a certain way, and it gave me the impression. Fuck.

And this painfully reminds me of the whole Eric saga. I mean, if you read back all my old posts related to crushes, I'm sure you will find that I wrote similar things, like thinking it was all so real.

I just feel like such an idiot hahaha..... and I guess I have had a bit of closure now? It's just such a pity, because he's so fucking gorgeous and his cool and calm personality just makes him so much hotter............ OK, fine.... you guys can roll your eyes now..

I'm hurt, and left feeling horribly empty inside now... All the feelings and time and emotions that I invested into Joe, only to be slapped in the face. But I will recover. Just not tonight. Maybe in a few days. Or weeks.

XOXO

Joe: So What Does This Mean?

Breakthrough!

Just when I start beating myself up for falling for him, and getting all emo for weeks, I think he's starting to show some signs.

Like what the hell!?!?! Why now, after the emotional roller coaster ride I put myself through.... this only confuses me so much more....

I NEED YOUR HELP to interpret today's incident! Come, let's play detective / mystery solver together!! :P

So we haven't seen each other in a week. I miss him like crazy. When I reached the gym, I saw him, or his back. He was walking to the water dispenser and taking a drink. When he was done, he turned to chat with someone, then when I walked past him, I could see him turning his head all the way just to look at me walk into the locker room. I was just happy to see him again!

When I came out, I was walking to the treadmill, will pass by the weights area, which I know he will be around there. He was seated by the walkway, when I walked past him, again I could sense that he turned to look at me. But for some fucking reason, I just didn't have the guts to look him in the eye today, so I just kept looking forward and walking. So if he was indeed looking at me, he must have thought I didn't care. Fuck, what's wrong with me????

OK, so it could all just be in my head. Coz after that, when we were both doing our workouts, occasionally I would glance at him from a distance, but he just looked focused, and didn't look around like he was looking for me.

Then when he was about to leave after washing his protein shaker (yes I know his routines already), I was actually also in the locker room about to head out. I was literally just seconds before him, so he was tailing behind me (maybe admiring my ass? hahaha). I stopped at the abs machine, and when I turned around, I noticed him looking at me, again. But again, I was too chicken to look at him, so I just stared at the machine and pretend not to see him. Arghhhh why am I such a cold bitch????

Then he left, I turned to see his back, disappearing from sight slowly.

And it's amazing how much his hair has grown, I mean it's only been a week. Now, he's no longer shaved head Joe. He's short spiky hair Joe.... which is actually even sexier, like a footballer. I mean, good God, he probably looks good even with an afro hahaha.... And his bright yellow shirt today is refreshing, different from what he normally wears.

So what do you guys think? Why did he stare at me, which I'm quite sure happened:

A. He's just bored and decided to look around, and just saw you as you appeared in his line of sight
B. He's looking at you because you're weird, ugly and skinny, and wondering why this guy appears so often at the gym but never really seems to bulk up much
C. Duh! He's clearly into you but maybe too shy to come speak to you, just like how you're too shy to say hi to him
D. He wasn't staring at you. Honestly, you're just a crazy nut job and imagining things subconsciously because you want it so badly

For my sake, I hope you guys don't think it's D. hahahaha.... Maybe the next time I see him, I just shouldn't be so cold or chicken out. I should just freaking smile or wink at him.

XOXO