Facebook Education

Haha now that we know each other, the next logical thing for me to do was to add him as a friend using my real account. Thankfully he accepted my request :)

You can learn SO MUCH about a person from their Facebook page.

From his WALL, I can tell what type of applications he is in to. Not much. He doesn't write much either. Something else I discovered was he doesn't reply often. Like usually when a friend makes a comment on your post, you would at least say something like 'haha' or 'thanks' but he just leaves it there. Cool guy. Doesn't show much on the outside.

From his INFO tab... haha obviously his information! He listed all his siblings, so I went to their profiles and saw some of their family outing pics that he was not tagged in. So it was like a bonus :P
And my favourite part... RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE! Then again, plu guys usually put single rite, even if they are seeing someone special. Otherwise your family & friends will start questioning who's the 'girl' LOL. Other info like religon and education background... good to know but not much use.

From his PHOTOS tab... OMG this is the jackpot!!! He doesn't upload much photos, only 2 albums. BUT the photos that his friends tag him in... WHOA there was one high quality shot of his face close up that was so freaking adorable, I almost died of sweetness when I saw it! Those dreamy eyes looking straight through me :) :) :) I let out a soft scream of excitement whenever I see that pic.

And u really can learn about someone from their pictures. I can tell that he is quite an extrovert with his gang. Some of the poses were a bit extravagant LOL. He is playful around his friends. But he is still macho in my eyes. And he dresses decently also. Nice simple shirts, and I like that he wears his pants with the end of the belt hanging out a little in front.

From my description, I'm sure you can tell I still feverishly crave for Eric's affection.
But Eric ain't giving me any :(
Like I said he doesn't reply much, so sometimes when I write to him I don't know what he is thinking at all... It's hard. And just like my bro Qboy said, I cannot appear despo also. So I have to constraint myself from sending crazy 'I love you Eric' messages.

But I also want his attention. What am I supposed to do now?

Friend

I finally got a reply.. but it only came after I continued confronting him otherwise he would have stayed silent. I said some nasty things because I was so sick of waiting. Stuff like:

I give up.. i tried. i did. Sorry I even approached you. More sorry that I wasted so much of time. Yeah mine, not yours.. coz u probably don't give a fuck anyway...
and
Be a man, voice up. If u don't want me to talk to u anymore, that's fine. But give me a reason.

A bit harsh. I know. But it worked. He wrote back...
Apparently he wasn't impressed that I still hadn't introduce myself.
He also didn't like me talking about him to other ppl.. coz i mentioned talking to 'friends' which is actually you guys and he thought i was telling uni friends about him.
And finally he felt some of my previous messages were disturbing considering he didn't knew me. He was referring to that message where i volunteered to be fucked and asked if he wanted a blowjob. Yeah i know it was stupid.

But the last line made me feel better:
p/s we can be friends just chill and dont be so emo

OK so I knew what I had to do next. No more hiding. I said my name followed by a mini essay on myself.. I overcame my greatest fear of revealing my true self.. ignoring the consequences especially after all the crazy things i wrote to him.

I felt like i could trust him. Somehow i felt comfortable. It was time to come clean. Then i waited anxiously to see what he had to say...

see was that so hard ... anyway nice to meet you and good luck in your exams

OK the 'good luck in your exams' part is just super lame and sounds like something u say to someone u don't expect to talk to anytime soon.
But at least he is cool with me. the real me.

And you guys are right! All this while I expected him to have feelings for me but it was just in my head. I guess not everyone falls in love at first sight like me. I understand now.

Everything develops from a friendship right... We should get to know each other before anything can happen. So now I will try to cut down on the craziness and just be myself. Yeah, I'll relax and let my true character shine. Let him see me for who I am. Time will tell.

What's Wrong With Me?

Obviously I'm still blogging about Eric.

I don't know what is our relationship now. We are not strangers anymore, but we aren't exactly friends as well. I sent him a facebook message on Monday. He didn't reply. So I sent another yesterday. It was a really long message. You guys know how emo and direct I can get when writing to him. I said a lot of stuff, some things not entirely appropriate, kind of sexually suggestive actually...... I also gave him a huge hint as to my identity.

One reason why I did that was because I saw him as usual every Tuesday (as in yesterday). I felt he was nicer than usual to me, he came closer to me more often and even sang near me. Yeah he likes to sing in public apparently. Not loud singing, just softly but clear enough for others to hear... But he doesn't do this everywhere, usually near me. So I had this impression that he was serenading me in a way. I noticed this before, but yesterday really felt like he was directing it to me. So I immediately thought that he knew it was me writing to him. But of course I didn't say or do anything at that time. I did what I do best.. write to him when I got home!

But waiting for a reply is torture! On Monday and yesterday, I checked my facebook like every 10 minutes to see if he had replied. Today I can't do that anymore because there are 2 killer assignments due tomorrow! I have fallen behind in schedule as I was too emo last weekend to concentrate on work... So now I'm paying the price. It's going to be a sleepless night I think :(

I know he is very busy. But still, I think everyone would check their emails and facebook at least once a day right. I asked him some big questions, so why isn't he answering? :(

We're COOL!

After exchanging another 12 messages (most of them from me) we are finally cool :)
Come to think of it, I may have over reacted at some of my earlier responses.

Key points:
I apologized for outing him.
I thought he was mad at me but he wasn't.
I told him how I found his full name, email and facebook.
He didn't say much so I wasn't sure how he felt.
I said some mushy stuff, and kind of begged for a reply because there was a long moment of silence.
I was getting tensed and upset.
Finally he gave a very clear reply saying he was not mad and not going to force me to do anything. He told me to chill. He mentioned the club (Uni sport club where I got his details).
For a moment I misunderstood and thought he was talking about clubbing and was so turned off by the idea that he was a playboy/drinker/clubber.
Then he cleared it up. He said he doesn't club and I was immediately relieved and drawn back to him LOL :P
He asked if I was a member of the club.. I said no.
So he still doesn't know how I know him exactly... then he said:
"anyway, hello if i bump into you tomorrow and dun recognize who u are. gotta concentrate in my ******* project". And I replied with a cheeky comment :)

OWWWHHH so sweet rite... He said hello to me in advance, so friendly rite! And super duper charming and cute.

The moment he said he wasn't mad and told me to chill was the moment that I truly felt the tension go away. So maybe we can be web friends for a while, and when I feel comfortable enough, I will reveal myself :)

It's been a hell of an emotional-roller-coaster-ride-of-a weekend. But I'm glad things worked out! I feel so much more at peace now. And finally, my radar actually hit the spot!!! That's really an achievement for me!

thanks guys for hearing me out the past couple of days! :)

Confronting Him (Part 2!)

Berita terkini!
I just got a reply from him after I sent him a couple of messages over the last 2 days.

Me: Hey you're probably not going to reply... I realized how crazy this is. And it's selfish. So sorry. I'm embarrassed for myself.
When you like someone u do ridiculous things. I don't even know why I like you. So stupid rite...
You're a cool guy. I just need to distant myself from you now.

2 days later...

Me: Eric, i've been trying to forget u but i just can't. Can't concentrate on my work and it's bad.. because u leave me hanging there.
Can u give me another chance? Answer my question and i'll tell u how i know u.. I promise. I'm not introducing myself now coz I'm scared ok...
Actually the fact u didn't answer it right from the start already gives the answer. If you are straight you could have just said so. This would hurt but it's actually why I wrote to u. That's what i want to hear so i can move on. Sort of like closure.

If you're plu u can say so, coz I'm plu.. so there's no benefit in me telling other ppl becoz I'm on your side of the fence.
But then again my friends pointed that even if you're plu, chances are you won't even like me or know i exist, so it won't benefit me in that perspective.

So can u please just say you're straight out loud. The sooner I get crushed and heart broken, the sooner I can pick myself together. It's not fun to feel lonely and unwanted, many ppl don't write messages to their crushes like I do coz they fear rejection. I do too, but I'd rather hear the truth than linger on and suffer in my own thoughts.
Please and thank you


Him: I find it strange for a person to even remotely have an affinity towards someone that is not good looking, rich, athletic or even smart. Moreover, it doesnt make sense if u do not fear rejection then why are u not revealing yourself. Regarding your question, since you already have an answer why bother. I do not like labels. well there is your answer.
p/s:
if i find out that this is a prank and you are actually a close friend or relative of mine trying to pull a horrible joke i will find a way to get back to you
_________________


OK that was it... I don't know how to reply. Was actually hoping he was straight so I can force myself to move on. At least my radar is correct for once LOL! But knowing he's one of us doesn't make me feel better.

It feels like I forced him to come out to me. Not on his terms. So what do I do now? He's probably agitated with me already, so there's no chance of anything happening between us.

Any advice on how I should reply??
Well obviously I have to keep my part of the deal and tell him how I found his profile and stuff.
But then it's going to be so awkward in the future... Can we even be friends?

Gosh what have I done....

L.S.E. Day

Everyone experiences it once in a while, and it's happening to me today.
L.S.E. stands for low self esteem.

Maybe this has to do with the whole Eric incident, but I think it's been going on for as long as I remember. You know, generally I'm a confident person. I excel in studies, I'm not afraid to do presentations in front of the class, I'm not afraid to talk to strangers and acquaintances I meet outside. But I get all self conscious when it comes to love and guys.

I have never said this before, but deep down I don't think I'm attractive. I doubt I would appeal sexually to other guys. Especially in the plu world where appearance and presentation is vital.
Maybe this is why I don't approach guys... because I don't know how they will respond.

I avoid looking in mirrors because I don't really enjoy staring at myself.
I'm too thin. Have problems gaining weight so I look like a skeleton.
I'm not muscular and fit like the guys you see in the gym.
I have poor complexion. My skin is sensitive and breakout prone.
My hair is weird because I suck at styling it.
I think I'm too hairy. Like my arms and legs.
I think my forehead is too big.
My eyes are too small.
I wear specs. And I realized I only fall for guys who don't wear them.
Oh yeah and not to mention being gay. In the early years it was hard to accept being different, but now I'm comfortable to be plu. It's just the appearance part I haven't come into terms with.

Over the years I developed a defensive mechanism by ignoring the occasional glances from other people. But actually I'm thankful because no one has ever said anything nasty to my face. I was never bullied or teased in school so that does make me feel less crappy.

I don't think I'm ugly... meaning I won't scare people off when walking on the street. But I'm not good looking either. No one has ever said they found me attractive sexually.

I bet my market value is close to zero lol.

Confronting Him

Someone must have put high doses of 'Courage' into my food and drink, maybe it was 'Insanity'. I confronted Eric, not face to face, but through how I know best... Facebook! Actually what I did was cowardly, verging on crazy because I used my so called 'alternate' account, which had no real information about me, except gender...

Long story short, I sent him a message a couple of days ago thinking he would just treat it as spam. But today I saw a reply from him, so I replied and then he replied. Now I'm still waiting for a reply but I don't think I will get one. It went something like this:


Me: Eric, Can't stop thinking about you, and I hate it. Sorry for disturbing, that's my problem... I fall for ppl so easily. My radar tells me you're plu. Correct me if I'm wrong and help me get on my way.

Him: may i know who are u and how do u know me

Me: Sigh it doesn't matter. anyway thanks for replying.. wasn't expecting it. Btw u didn't answer my question. Think of it as helping me test the accuracy of my radar.. it has quite a bad track record LOL
Besides if you say you're not it will help me move on and I won't disturb you ever again.
Don't worry i promise i won't tell anyone, i'm not stupid.

Him: lol ...... seriously do u just jump into other people's lives thinking that it is appropriate without even introducing yourself

Me: Ermmm yea I'm a little crazy haha. See if you were plu you would understand my position. So maybe you aren't. There's so much more for me to lose for introducing myself, whereas you answering one question has virtually no risk.
I'm not a serial killer, not going to get your info and sell it or hack your accounts or anything lol. Just a hopeless romantic.
But then again you gotta point. I wouldn't reveal anything to someone i don't know either..... but it's just 1 question, if someone asks me i would probably answer.
OK never mind, i'm just talking to myself now...
Thanks for replying at least, you're nicer than i thought :p

___________

That was it. It's been 5 hours and no reply.
He isn't much of a talker, while I just blurt everything out.
But he didn't deny he was plu, or told me to fuck off. If he was straight he could have just said so right?
Why keep me hanging there? It's like slow torture...

I hope you guys don't think I'm crazy. I would never hurt him or do any scary stuff. Sending him mails might be disturbing, but it's decent content. No naked pictures or threats of any kind.
Haihhh I kind of regret doing it now.

Dreamy

My feelings for Eric are getting strong again.
My mood swings like a pendulum that oscillates from both extremes. What a bitch.

Saw him in the library today. Actually it was like spying. I was walking pass the shelves and saw him searching for books with a friend. So I purposely walked around the shelves pretending to look at books, like a shark circulating it's prey haha! Don't think he noticed me but it was so nice to see him!

My heart beats so much faster when he is in sight.
Whenever I see his pics on facebook, I feel like melting into a puddle of chocolate. He has really dreamy eyes, the type that you can stare at forever. Even as I'm typing this, I can feel the sweetness in my heart...

I thought of giving you guys a glimpse of him.. with the important features covered of course so that no one recognizes him. Hopefully I'm not breaking any rules or law :P




















Ain't he sexy? Too bad you can't see those killer DREAMY eyes :)

New Look

I didn't go for a make over, but my blog did :P

I realized the barb wire background was not the feel that I want my readers to get.
Sure my love life is depressing and all but worst things could have happened right.

I will try to be more optimistic about life, and who knows my prince might show up......
Can't believe I said that. It sounds nearly impossible, ridiculous. Even I'm not buying it.

OH WAIT... optimism!!!

The following is a shout out:

HEEEYYYY I'm over here, my knight in shining armor!
Did your horse break it's leg?
Do you need GPS to locate me?
I'm starting to get bored, and you won't like me when I'm bored!
Hurry before I get all old and wrinkly!!!

Psyching Myself

It's Tuesday again.
Means I got to see Eric today.
I don't feel as crazy as before, but every time we cross eyes I still feel something there. It's weird now.

Just when I decided to let him go, I start noticing signs that he's trying to get close to me.

It's strange how things work. Today he actually came up to me and we talked for like a few seconds (though it was work related). After some time, when we were all free and just chilling, I looked across the room and noticed he was staring at me (for sure). Even when he saw me looking at him, he continued looking at me, so I quickly looked away! =.= But there was no smile or flirty expression on his face. Just blank. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm no face reader haha.

Like I said it's weird. Somehow this time I feel something coming from him. Previously when I was all gaga about him, maybe I would have imagined that he was looking at me. But now that I feel more neutral about things, my senses should be sharper and less affected by emotions... so there is no bias in my perception lol. Therefore what I detect should be real right?

I'm starting to over think again. Time to sleep. Good night!

Feeling Alejandro

I think you guys can tell I haven't been exactly cheerful lately.

I really liked this song when the video first came out, but I feel the elements of the song so much more now. Guess you need to be in a dark place to truly appreciate it.

The message is not entirely clear, but I think that's part of the idea. To make it more intriguing, get people talking, keep fans guessing. It would be less effective if it were blatant.
Watching the video makes it more confusing. Which part is truly conveying the message, which part is just meant for cinematography, and which part is just for publicity (dressing as a nun)?

The first impression I got when I heard the lyrics was... Gaga having an affair with a married man, or someone who's clearly taken, so Gaga knows she has to let go. The line "she's got a halo round her finger, around you", the halo described should be a wedding ring, one that the man is wearing and so is his wife- hence making Gaga the third person.

More interesting (and controversial) theories I have read claim that Alejandro signifies God. The scene where she lies in bed dressed as a nun, she looks up to the sky when she said "Stop, please, just let me go, Alejandro". She raised both hands up when she called Alejandro. Several other signs in the video were reported as Gaga rejecting god, opting to empower herself instead.
Gaga fans out there please read this with an open mind, everyone has an opinion so I guess we should at least listen regardless if it's right or wrong, as long as you know your stand on it.

Personally I think the whole religion thing is just a publicity stunt, don't think she really is out to control everyone. But if you think about it, her meteoric rise to fame and how her fan base is growing in such a short period of time does make me wonder how or why it happened. It's not exactly normal.

Back to the song. Basically the theme is rejection. Doesn't matter if it was a break up, or if someone died, or if they were forced apart, it all comes to the same ending: loss of love.
I read a MTV interview where the director of the video said it was about "The pain of not being with your true love".

Look Somewhere Else

Sometimes the best way to stop yourself from hurting is to focus on something else.

I don't want to think about Eric anymore. Will stop dreaming about him, don't want to see his pictures on Facebook anymore. Don't want to guess his sexuality. Don't want to guess if he's interested in me or not.

Whatever happens, happens right... or "If it's meant to be, it will be".
They say love comes when you least expect it. *sigh* Yeah right, I'm still waiting for that to happen.

Over the years I think I try too hard. I realized being in a relationship is not that important. I won't die if I'm single. The feeling of loneliness comes every now and then, but it fades with time especially when I'm busy. So now I will immerse myself in studies. Channel all the energy on finishing work. I really need to do that to survive this semester.

Yeah I definitely feel better than that day. My mind is on track now.
I will not allow myself to get hurt.

Time to "get hard". My heart is hardened.

Horrible Turn

Today was a very very bad day.
One of the worst since I entered Uni.

So MANY things went wrong, it was a combination of bad luck and mistakes on my part.
Eric hardly paid any attention to me today. I was already feeling so low, yet he looked as if he couldn't be bothered.

As if things weren't bad enough I started feeling sick. Was a little unwell and couldn't pay attention in lab. I was agitated by all the things that went wrong.

Was supposed to meet a friend for lunch but because of the problems before, I was half an hour late. He was pissed but didn't show it. I know I would if you make me wait that long. In the end we ate in the cafeteria instead of going out because he had another class soon. I hate eating there. Very crowded and hot, made me feel even more uncomfortable.

Actually there's another 2 hours of lecture in the afternoon but I couldn't take it anymore. Felt like I was going to burst into tears so I rushed home. It's a rule of mine to NOT cry about personal matters in front of other people, even family members.

Usually crying helps make me feel better. But no tears are coming out now. I guess I have calmed down. I'm tired. Maybe I should take a nap before facing the pile of assignments that will be due soon. Sucks. Tired, lonely, sick and stressed.

And guess what.. I discovered Eric's real name by chance. Yeah it required some googling and smart thinking. Next was Facebook. He used his chinese name instead of Eric so no wonder I had no luck before. Not much info except his hometown. No D.O.B or relationship status. At least there were some pictures. He had like 400+ friends, only 1 mutual friend that was my high school mate.

I'm starting to sense that he isn't plu.
Even if he is, based on how he treated me today I'm sure he has no feelings for me.
I'm really starting to think that I should forget about him A.S.A.P. :(

Surprise!

Hehehe so happy today because I got to see Eric up close (no he wasn't naked) but still I got a good look at his arms and face.

Normally I see him every Tuesday, so today is like a bonus!
He was standing right at the other side of the door as I was about to enter the room. Once again there was eye contact. Darn I forgot to lick my lips like what Bravebear suggested. I was just so surprised to see him!!! *drools all over self*

If there was nobody else there I probably would have confessed my feelings to him. It was the perfect opportunity except there were 2 other girls in the room. One was my friend. So all I could do was STARE... He seems sexier now.

And I think he has a nice body after all. I noticed some muscles on his arms, but not bulging like a body builder of course. Maybe he works out a little. Guys who go to the gym are more likely to be gay right? OK I'm making assumptions to feel better about my chances LOL.


I can't wait to see him again tomorrow. But I don't know what to do. Would it be crazy if I asked him for his number? Nahh I don't think that's a good idea. Maybe I should stick to flirting with the eyes and try licking my lips if the chance comes up haha.

Or how about eating a banana in front of him LOL. I will bite it off slowly and look as if every bite in my mouth tasted so amazing that I would arch my back, tilt my head, close my eyes and make "Ohhhhh" sounds in the most sensual manner while caressing the remaining uneaten banana gently with both hands. OK sorry I'm bad at jokes. XD