Twenty Ten

With just 9 days left before we welcome 2011, have you made the most out of your year?

2010 saw the birth of this blog, which is considered a big step for me into the plu circle. I now feel more in touch with all things plu thanks to the many interesting and educational posts from the huge number of bloggers out there! Had some fun, formed new friendships, gained a bro :) though he has been missing in action from the blogging world of late.

Had a handful of crushes this year, and as expected crushes only crush my heart. I'm sure everyone remembers the Eric catastrophe. Looking back at those months I can't believe I behave so inappropriately. I cannot explain it. At that time I was truly convinced that he was the love of my life, I was completely obsessed with him.... seriously unhealthy stuff!

And you know what's scary? The fact that I have absolutely NO feelings for him now, not even a tiny bit, goes to show that I really don't understand what LOVE is. Even after romancing with the other guy I talked about in October, I realize love CANNOT happen in a short time.
If you fall for someone in a short period of time, chances are that love will also only last a short period of time.

That's my latest theory. You can't just fall in love like in the movies. It takes an incredible amount of time to actually know someone enough to be in love. This theory completely conflicts with my previous belief that you can fall for someone without being regular friends first (as in directly from acquaintance to lover). This means you shouldn't be looking for lovers online, rather you should look at the friends you already have and build something from there!? Any sense to that?
So far I have yet to experience that. But I'm willing to patiently spend as long as it takes to fall in love with someone. :)

These are just thoughts I would like to note down before the year ends.
Have a blessed Christmas everyone!!! :D

So Hot

Never have I posted pics of semi naked men on my blog, but I'll have to make an exception because these guys are just way hot!!!

Hope this won't compromise my integrity. After all there's nothing wrong with admiring some hot bods, especially since I'm single and deprived now! Totally entitled to ogle ;)

The theme for this selection of pics is obvious - CK Underwear!
I kind of have a thing for men in underwear. Especially these tight fitting ones!

Look at those veins!

Yet Again

I cried again today. No biggie, just built up emotions that had to be released. Guess what, the last time it happened (see previous post) was exactly 1 month ago. Guess I have monthly mood swings, I have the male period LOL. Shedding tears once a month doesn't make me a cry baby right?

Apologies for being MIA lately. Got nothing to blog about. I have still been reading your blogs though, hope I won't be forgotten! :)

Few days ago I had a really awesome dream that ended wet. Mike Posner was in it. He was some sort of thug, I was walking in a quiet street at night, he was with his gang. He approached me with a knife wanting to rob me, so I ran for my life. Dreams don't really connect well, the next thing I remember was running up some stairs of an old, museum looking building with him chasing me. Suddenly we end up in bed, he's lying on his back and I sit right on top of his ahem and he pounds me hard over and over until he cums. By this time things get wet in real life.

I forgot to mention one thing. Halfway through it, I realized he's not fucking me, but a muscular looking Black shemale whore complete with a big blond wig and over the top make up. My dreams are intricate aren't they? ;)


Mike Posner is so sexy. I think men with shaved heads are so hot. Army boys! I would love to rub his head (not dick head, but the one above his neck!). And his voice is also a huge turn on. He can sing to me while making love. Mind blowing hot!

Mike Posner if you ever read this, I'm all yours! Take me any time hahaha

The Crying Game

I just cried. In my room. Alone. Pathetic.

An hour ago everything was fine. It just takes one incident to trigger the sadness. Then I start thinking about other sad things. Before you know it, you get overwhelmed with self pity and out comes the water works.

The eyes get red and the warm tears start running everywhere. The worst part is when the mucus builds up and the airway gets congested, so you have to start gasping for air like a panting dog. It's an ugly sight. No wonder I choose to cry only when alone.

But I do feel so much better after calming down and drying up. You may think it's emo and weak to sob, personally I think it's therapeutic and a way of dealing and managing your own emotions. Not that I cry every other day... it happens maybe like once a month or two? Not sure what the exact figure is. I don't keep track. It just happens.

Don't wanna talk about why I cried. Not blogging about my problems. Now that I think about it, it's not that big of a deal. Just caught in a moment I guess.

Good nite.

Grown Out Of It

It's hard to describe the state I'm in now. No despair, I feel normal actually, whatever 'normal' means.

I'm just as confused as you guys are about the things I said lately. One moment I want to be in love, and the next I want to stay far away from it. The best way for me to explain it is that I have grown out of it. No, I'm not referring to him, I still think he is a fantastic guy. Instead I think I have grown out of the phase of wanting to be in a relationship.

In the past, I have had LOTS of crushes. You guys have heard about MK and Eric. At that time, being with my dream guy was something I wanted so badly, or at least it was what I thought I wanted. But since they never felt the same way about me, I never knew what being in a relationship was like.

But this time it's different. With this guy I'm seeing now, he's showing affection and for the past week or so we have been treating each other as though we were in a relationship. It was fine at first, but turns out it scares me. I suddenly realize that I'm not ready.

As selfish as that sounds, I just don't have the heart to be someone's other half. I think it's weird that someone likes me. I don't know how to react. I enjoy seeing other couples being sweet and getting mushy, like when you guys blog about your relationships, I will go 'Awwww that's so damn sweet!'. But it's the opposite when a guy is sweet to me. Apparently I can't tolerate it. I'm like salt. Sweetness doesn't go well with me.

I think my explanation is clear. For once in my life, I genuinely want to be single. Every time I got over a crush I say that I want to be single and independent. This time I mean it. I don't want to look anymore. Being given the chance to experience love, I realize it's not what I'm looking for now. Perhaps my feelings will change next week, or next month or next year or even the next decade. I'm in no hurry.

For now I just want to celebrate and live my life! 3 Cheers for Independent power ;)

Cold Feet?

'Someone call a doctor, got a case of a love bi-polar. Stuck on a roller coaster, can't get off this ride...'

I should have known this would happen.
I'm emotionally incapable of love. It's in my genetics.
I'm now the bi-polar bitch. When I don't have someone, a relationship is all that I want. Now that I have someone, I find myself having second thoughts.

Is it like that for any of you?

I repulse people who care about me, possibly out of fear for commitment. I don't deserve someone's love because I think it's unfair for them as I cannot love back equally. It's like a mental block.

Dear if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I assure you this is not your fault, the problem is me.
The nicer you are to me, the greater the remorse I feel.
And since we have been entirely honest to each other, I think you should know how I feel.
I know we are already taking things slow, but all of this is still new territory for me.
I do like you and your company, but I guess I need time alone.

See I told you guys I was a loner. And I'm not a typical romantic, sweet lovey guy.
Hot and Cold. Go figure.

I Have Decided

Thanks guys for your support.

I don't have much experience when it comes to love and relationships, so listening to more opinions definitely helped me digest the situation in a more rational and sensible manner.

I know I may come across as naive, incapable of independent thought and selfish. Sometimes I get caught up with things related to me only, I forget the bigger picture. When I really had time to think about this, I realized it's actually not that big of a deal. So what if it doesn't work out, there are still things to look forward to in life besides seeking a lover. In retrospect there really wasn't a need for me to get so upset and emotional about this incident.

Well, after much consideration, we talked and decided to get back together for now. Like some of you said, I should cherish this relationship as it happens and not worry about the future because the uncertainty is just too great for anyone to predict.

Some of you may think this is a stupid decision, one that is made out of impulse. Well I just don't feel like letting go now. I'm aware of what I'm getting into, so I think that does make a difference, because even if it doesn't end well, I would have been better prepared for it. Like cushioning a fall. This is a shot at love, I just wanna grab the opportunity and experience it without fear. Should the journey end eventually, at least I can say I got to experience it. It won't go to waste coz life is about experiencing rite :)

So that's my current stand. Not sure if it will last, so we'll just have to see how it goes alright! Anger, frustration, doubt, sadness and regret take too much energy and effort. I know I sound so innocent and ridiculous, like a character out of a cheesy Disney fairy tale, but I just wanna live life and be happy hahaha!

Suck on that if you don't like it :D

Confessions of a Broken Heart

Guys, something traumatic happened last night and my heart is still aching now. The best way for me to recover is to talk about it with you guys. I hope you will spare me some wise words as your opinions collectively matter to me. I need a support system now.

Here's what happened...

You know that I have been seeing this new guy right. Well I have never encountered such a situation before, he's Bi. Or I think he's gay now but wants to be straight eventually.

I should have known this would happen right from the beginning and not allow myself to fall for him. The thing is, we have made a real connection this week and he has fallen for me as well. I somehow opened myself completely to him in such a short time because he just made me feel so comfortable and genuinely happy from the inside.

Truthfully he is the first guy that I like who has liked me back. It's a warm, fuzzy feeling. He's amazing, probably the most caring person I have met in a very long time. After Eric, I lost faith in love. I never thought that I would be loved by another person in this life time, I thought no one would accept me but then I met him. How rare is that.

Last night we were talking, and it ended up with me asking him what his long term life plan was. He was honest to say that he planned to get married and have kids. Apparently his philosophy is to be with a guy now, hopefully have some good memories of this phase in his life before he moves on, and he expects that guy to be happy for him.

When I heard this, I just froze. To be recognized as only a 'phase' in his life. Stunned. My body was trembling beyond control and it felt hard to breathe. My heart was hurting, literally. The chest pain was awful. Eventually I did cry.

So where does that leave us? We are both hurting now. He lives a complicated and conflicted life, coming from a religious background apparently of pastors. But he likes guys. He likes me. But he has no choice. We both want to be together now, but I know the longer we stay together, the more I will get hurt later. I can't make him choose me over his family and beliefs. But again the feelings we have are still so strong.

My logic is telling me that the decision is simple. I should just end things now. It will hurt a lot but it's the right thing to do.
My heart is telling me that as long as we both feel for each other, then we should just stay together for as long as that feeling lasts. After all, it's so hard to find love now.

Right now, I'm putting this aside first as it hurts too much. One of my best attributes is, despite the fact that I'm emotionally fragile, I was trained to be mentally tough under stress and pressure situations. Yeah I had some activities in the past which made it compulsory to be like that. So now, as long as I isolate my emotions, I can still function and perform daily activities using solely my mental strength.

But a conclusion needs to be reached eventually.

So guys, I'm asking you all to give me some constructive advice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Honestly.

Something New

Every now and then we meet someone online that clicks with us. :)

Sure it's rare, and I am still skeptical about forming true and sustainable bonds through the World Wide Web... but sometimes you just get proven wrong. Usually you can tell within the first conversation if there's chemistry or not. Amazing that when there is, things just move on so quickly... for me at least haha :)

I swear I wasn't really looking. I yearn for company, but certainly not begging for it now. Especially after recent events, I prefer to stick to myself. So it's really pleasant how life takes you by surprise.

OK maybe I'm exaggerating a little. I still don't know where this is going. From past experience, as well as my bro as an example ;P, I know I shouldn't rush things. Certainly no sending of crazy or emo messages or throwing myself at him. Also I need to distinguish carefully the difference between lust and love. I have learned my lesson and will use my previous mistakes to guide my future decisions!

That's the best part about growing older. You learn as life goes on.
And FYI, this person is not one of the bloggers just in case you were wondering ;)

Pissed

I hate it when people are dishonest or manipulative.
So annoying.

2 days ago a friend asked if I wanted to attend a "talk" about a new educational online service. Apparently some sort of e-learning tool. His friend was giving the talk. I asked for details but he wouldn't give it to me. He just kept on saying things like 'Just come listen, it's interesting' and 'what do you have to lose? just come'.

I'm never good at rejecting offers or requests from friends. If it were a stranger I would have said a big NO. But since we are friends (he's my junior), I thought what the heck, since it's an educational thing, just check it out rite...

So I went today. It wasn't a talk. More like a one on one discussion. That guy brought a laptop and started talking about their service. LOL it was actually for primary and secondary school students. He was describing how the program works, how parents would get a report on their child's progress, and the cost of the package, etc. So at this point, I thought, OK maybe the company is doing a survey on Uni students, to see if the product is useful since we used to be in high school not too long ago.

Turns out they were trying to get me to sign up for some sort of partnership. You know, as in selling their product for them. My immediate reaction was 'WTF? You have been beating around the bush for over 20 minutes... without a single hint that this is a sales thing', but of course all I did was smile even though I was raged. I did say some sarcastic things though. Like he said, it's important to network and communicate, otherwise what's the point of having a mouth. And my reply was, 'Erm, to eat?'.

This isn't too bad. I was more put off by that guy's attitude. He's only 19, a year younger than me. And he was saying how we should be independent and not rely on our parents for money, suggesting that I was a spoiled brat. He went on to say that he was 'successful', 'very mature' and parents that he talked to were 'impressed by his maturity'. When I heard that, I wanted to puke.
At times he raised his voice and spoke as though he was so great and I was stupid not to sign up.
We had a short debate, then I made an excuse that I had to leave and we said the insincere 'thanks and bye' to each other.

Sigh. Seriously. I was so put off by his methods. Using deception and aggression to promote your company is not wise at all. So much for maturity. And my friend, he knew what was going on because he actually signed up for it recently. He should have given the details to me straight up.

Now the 3 of us wasted our afternoon.
And yes, this is me bitching hahaha. :P

Solo

Usually I have no problem being alone. I embrace singlehood and the sense of independence that comes with it. In fact I don't even need the constant company of friends. I can be quite a loner. Spending too much time with other people irritates me. Especially if they don't stop talking. I avoid large crowds. I enjoy the moments spent alone, sitting at a cafe enjoying the view, or just at home listening to music. It's peaceful and relaxing.

However I'm not enjoying it as much lately. At times it feels too quiet. This has nothing to do with him. I'm already over it. For sure. I don't think about him on a daily basis anymore, don't think about looking at his facebook page anymore. Most importantly the feeling has faded. He made it go away.

Maybe it had something to do with stuff that happened last week. Being sick and kind of down, I felt even more low when my family kind of ditched me. Everyone had plans of their own, and they never considered to ask me to join in. Well actually I was busy with work so I wouldn't have gone with them anyway, but at least they could have asked. I had many meals last week on my own which kind of sucks.

Also I feel distant with my uni mates. We talk in class but I don't hang out with them. I just don't click with them beyond the classroom. They are nice people individually, but the gangs that they have formed... I just don't see myself fitting into any one, especially when they are already so close, I would feel like an outsider when hanging with them. I don't like to conform or change myself just to fit in. And you already know I'm weird and not exactly talkative :p

All the buddies that I can connect with are high school mates. But it's natural that we get more and more separated over time. We still have gatherings occasionally, and we are always happy to see each other and have loads of fun, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore.


So the summary for this post: I'm a lonely loner that isn't enjoying the loneliness alone.
You know I actually hate the word 'lone'. I prefer 'solo'. Sounds less desperate. But maybe that's what I am now.......

ill

It's bound to happen.
We all fall sick at some point no matter how fit you are or try to be.

I'm actually surprised how long I have managed to stay sick-free because last year I kept getting ill. Nothing serious, just the usual flu or fever. Hehe I must have good antibodies or T-cells or B-cells LOL.

Every time there is a wave, when I see people in Uni coughing their lungs out or sneezing till their noses turn red, I keep my fingers crossed that I don't get the bug. Well, guess I didn't cross hard enough this time. >.<

The flu and fever is easy to manage, just pop in some pills and you get some relief. But the part I dread is the lethargy and body aches. And also how food seems to become quite tasteless. It's worse when you have assignments to be done. Climbing up a hill is already hard, but now it feels like I'm doing it while carrying a heavy load on my back.

Sorry for being M.I.A. lately. I have been reading your blogs, just tired to comment. And I haven't been appearing much on msn either, but thanks to those who have talked to me! :) Hope I will be back on full force soon!

Have a nice weekend! :)

Social Experiment

I like to try new things.

So I have set up a new email account to get to know you guys a little better.
Yes I'm doing this because I feel lonely and occasionally horny lol. But this is not a call for random fun. Trying to meet someone genuine, whether it's for friendship or relationship we will see. I'm not looking for a rebound guy to get over him, so don't worry. In it for something real.

So whether you are a blogger or reader, you can write to me if you want to at:
[email protected]

Or maybe even MSN. I'll log in when I'm free :)
Please don't hesitate, I like having things to read and I'm generally friendly. Unless you only have nasty or cynical things to say... then don't bother because I will not entertain any of that :)

And please tell me who you are... esp if you are a fellow blogger.
And please don't lie or steal another person's identity because the truth will come out eventually.

Thanks very much guys, I really hope to hear from someone soon haha :)
Have a great day!

Rihanna Bisexual?

I have been listening to a lot of music to help with the healing.
Sad songs to cry it out, angry loud songs to release the tension, and lots of motivational tracks to lift my spirits. It definitely helps.

Have you seen the music video for Rihanna's Te Amo? Heard this song on Hitz.fm long ago but didn't know there was a video for it till today. And no wonder it wasn't played on TV. The theme for the video is quite clear. Nowadays artists will do just about anything to garner public attention.

I gotta admit Rihanna looks real hot with another woman. I wouldn't be surprised if she went wild once in a while, especially since the whole Chris Brown incident. I know she's dating men, but we will never know what happens behind closed doors rite haha. That's what makes it so exciting, the fantasy of what could be... that's how artists sell.




I like to stay up-to-date with the latest songs. Did you realize that dance music is becoming the new pop in America? Probably spearheaded by Lady Gaga, many artists are leaning towards the dance genre now. Think of songs like Flo Rida and David Guetta's Club Can't Handle Me, Taio Cruz's Dynamite and this hot dude Mike Posner with his song Cooler Than Me. Such a sexy and smooth voice! :)

Another guy with a great voice is Bruno Mars... his latest Just The Way You Are will probably serenade and melt the hearts of lots of ladies (and some of us hahaha).

In terms of crushes, I have always had a thing for Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine. So sexy, what a face *drools*. Don't you agree? Wasn't always a fan of his squeaky voice, but I eventually liked the band's songs like Makes Me Wonder and the latest Misery.


So glad the weekend is approaching. Need to have some fun! :)

The End of Eric

This is the last post about him. I probably will mention him in the future, but there will no longer be entire posts about him.

Before I continue embarking on my soul searching journey, I had to get a final word from him. I never had proper closure, he just stayed silent all this while. So he's always in my head. Never could get him out completely because in my mind, I somehow believed that there may still be hope.

You guys may not get it, but what I feel for him is real. The feeling has been lingering for so long so I know what it is. I'm quite sure it's not just lust and infatuation. I really feel like we would compliment each other well and he is a good guy you know. Serious about work and friendly and responsible. Good candidate for a husband you know.

So I sent him a message this evening. Will not post what I said here. But I think his response will be sufficient:
Aren't you persistent.
But seriously u gotta move on. I am not what you are looking for . I hope you found the right person one day . Bye and good luck for your exams.

He said it in a nice way. Notice that he said 'I am not what you are looking for' instead of 'You are not what I am looking for'. He's being polite. But I wish he would have said more. Like why not give me a chance, or what exactly was the problem. But it's enough. I don't need to hear anymore.

Oh well. There. This is closure. I was sad. Still a little sad now. Not angry at him. Not angry at the world. I think the fact that I have already been trying to forget him and moving on for weeks now is helpful. It's like cushioning the impact. So now I don't feel as bad. Maybe it's the numbness as well.

I got what I wanted. The truth. And he was sweet enough to deliver it in a thoughtful way. IT'S OFFICIALLY OVER.

Alright.. I'm just going to be sad for a little while now.... Tomorrow when I wake up, it will be a new day.

What am I now?

Don't roll your eyes, this is not another emo post.

Things have settled. It's been a week since I went emo again. Yes, I lied. Even when I claimed to be in the 'sexy period', there was one night that I just couldn't control myself, all the feelings for him came rushing back. Then I remembered that it was all in my head and he didn't want me. There were tears but it's fine coz I needed to let it out of my system.

I'm on the other side now. Finally taken another step away from him instead of constantly going back and forth. But sometimes I still turn my head back just to catch a glimpse of him. I know I can't have him, but that doesn't mean I don't still admire him. From a distance of course.

Alright enough of that. Now that the emotions are in control and the drama is over, I'm actually feeling bored! What a bitch right? The moment I get some inner peace I start to yawn hahaha. And FYI I didn't get laid ok. Successfully controlled my sexual urges. The horny dancing phase has passed. Not sure when it will be back though ;)

For the past 2 months I have went through many phases. Let's take a quick recap:
Crazy in love bitch -> Just plain crazy bitch -> Angry, bitter bitch -> Sad, heart broken bitch -> Ice cold bitch -> Back to sadness bitch -> Sexy, horny bitch -> Now what? bitch

None of the characters above felt true you know. And because I have not been myself for so long, I have forgotten what it means to be 'myself'. Having an identity crisis at the moment. Don't know how I should act or what I should feel. It's weird because nothing feels right and it scares me. Like I'm a blank canvas with no real personality. Hence the boredom.

Think I need to do some soul searching. Really dig deep and recall all the positive values I have learned as a human being for 20 years. There's gotta be something there right? I need to reinvent myself.

Deprived

What can I say?
I need sex.

What a statement. Look I know it's not a necessity and no one would die without it, but man do I feel deprived!!! Now I'm not just a bitch. I'm a horny bitch. GATAL! Well technically I have not done anything yet, but I feel like I'm heading there.

It's been too long. I can't remember exactly when was the last.
Dry. Ugghhh.

But I don't wanna engage in random/casual sex. But playing solo isn't doing it either.
When will I meet my man? I need to fall in love with someone that feels the same way about me. Once that happens, we can XXX :P. Yes I only wanna do it with that person. I don't want to be a whore. I wanna be exclusive. We'll do it A LOT of times. ALL the time. Everywhere. Morning. Night. In the car. In the shower. Yeah that would be so awesome. I don't just want sex, I want hot passionate, steamy, sensual love making. And I also want the cuddling part after the action.

Sexy dancing isn't helping. It only made me more hungry. I should stop before I go nuts.

And I think Eric has found someone. Saw his status update on Facebook today. I posted it on a comment on Skyhawk's post about jealousy. Some sweet, mushy stuff about someone that clearly wasn't me. *vomits*. I was sad at first, but then I told myself to snap out of it. I'm over him remember? *slaps self*

How long can you guys go without sex? Is this a sensitive question? Hope not.
Sorry for writing such a dirty post. Where's my dignity... But it's truly how I feel right now.

I'm Back

The old me is back! The person that I was between the period of after MK and before Eric.
Let's call it the sexy period. ;) LOL when I say period, it sounds like i'm talking about menstruation. I know I was never really gone, esp blogging so often this past month, but I was not really proud of who I was, ya know.

I figure the best way to move on and really get over him is to feel good about myself. No more depressing thoughts of why he finds me unattractive. Yeah, now I feel hot even though I'm not, but the important thing is that I believe or feel that I'm hot LOL. When I go out, I walk with a confident strut, esp if it's a long walkway in the mall, I like to go fast and use my long legs, breezing past the crowds. Do you guys ever imagine yourselves as models (male ones la) walking down a runway when u are walking in public? U know with the good posture and strong, firm steps? Haha I do that a lot LOL. It's fun!

Confidence is sexy right, and having a good sense of your body and all. Lately I have been feeling bitchier than ever. I think you can sense the bitchiness as well in this post. Sorry! :P

Don't know why I get these hot feelings. I'm not even attracted to anyone now. Maybe it's not having sex for too long. Oops I shouldn't say stuff like that (TMI). Don't worry I won't go for random sex anymore. It doesn't appeal to me now. Guess I'll be having a lot of ME time then ;)

Listening to sexy music really helps enhance the feeling. I mean sensually. With all the touching and swaying. OK I'm not sure if you guys do it, but sometimes I dance in my room or in the shower (with the doors locked of course)! I have never been to a club, so all my so called 'sexy & sensual' dance moves have only been seen by my soft toys hahaha.

This is an example of a song I 'sway and shake' to. Anybody wanna join me hahaha? I could be a slave for you LOL ;P

Thank You!

Just a quick post.
Thanks guys for your comments on the previous post, I especially like what Koala said :)

It was awkward as expected. I was so nervous walking into the room I felt like throwing up. The moment I walked through the door, he was there. We looked at each other for a micro second and went about doing our things. We were both uncomfortable. It was obvious. I could sense that he was avoiding me. And when I had to walk by him, I looked at a different direction.

Eventually things kind of settled. Because he is a senior and the role that he played, he had to talk to me at one point for reasons that I will not elaborate. Let's just say he had to... professionally. I guess there is no hate between us, but it's just strange and strained now. Oh and we can't look each other in the eye anymore. The moment there is any eye contact, we both turn away. So we were both looking at the table when we had to talk LOL.

I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. You don't just forget about someone and move on with the snap of a finger. It takes weeks, if not months. But it helps a lot if I don't run into him so often. Like the saying goes: Out of sight, out of mind! In a way I'm glad that this is the last Tuesday that I will see him. I think there is only one more session in this semester, and that's about a month from now. Plenty of time to get over him.


I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, YES YOU! I know this is corny, but I'm thankful for your support and all. Even if you don't comment it's fine :) The reason I started this blog was to be heard you know. A place to share my thoughts and release all the penned up emotions. Being discreet, I never talk to my family and friends about these issues. You guys are the only ones that I confide in!! Blogger friends are generally more sincere than those you meet on other sites. And it's amazing how kind some of you are despite not even knowing me in person!

Alright I'm done with the mushy stuff :)
Life goes on, Eric is history. Or I should say he will be history. Eventually.

Facing Reality

Crap. The day I dread is coming.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tuesday = Eric.
Last Tuesday was a national holiday so it's been exactly 2 weeks since I saw him.

But tomorrow will be the first time we face each other since I revealed my identity, since I said some crazy things, since he started to ignore me and since I got over him. Amazing how much has changed in 2 weeks.

I don't know what his reaction would be. I'm over him, but still... it's going to be extremely awkward. I don't think I can look him in the eye. It's best if we don't talk at all. I hope he ignores me and pretends nothing happened because that's my plan. Won't look at him. I just need to have thick skin. Gotta raise my shield and build a wall around me.

It feels like I made a fool out of myself the past 2 weeks. I wish I could take back some of the stuff I said to him. He must have the impression that I'm cheap and desperate. That must make him feel really good about himself. Like he's so great and desirable. Damn.

Oh no :(
I really wish I could just press the fast forward button and skip Tuesday.

What do you guys do when you're in the same room as an Ex or someone who rejected you or just someone that you're no longer on good terms with? Do you pretend not to see them and act happy and chatty with your friends? Or do you go up and talk to them on purpose just to show that you are fine?
Haha I hope he doesn't turn up tomorrow... that would save me a lot of trouble.

Post Emo

I'm over him. Not a 100% yet, but I think it gets better with time.

I still feel weak every now and then, especially when I see him online on Facebook.
Then I find myself stalking his Wall to see his activity.
He appears online briefly, then disappears. Maybe he's avoiding me. Maybe he came online to stalk someone else. Maybe he's already seeing a super hot guy.
He goes to the gym frequently. Celebrity Fitness I think. Probably meets lots of hotties and has lots of hot sex. Do all plu guys who go to the gym do that? I have no idea.

It's too tiring to guess. So I'd rather not. It's destroying my self esteem.

I'm fine.

It's been 3 days since I last wrote to him. Feels like an eternity.
I have really been itching to write again. So tempting to just ask how he is and all.
Credit to my bro Qboy who has been slapping me profusely every time I'm having a weak moment. Like a personal alarm clock that goes off every time my mind shifts to crazy gear again haha.

I think right now, if I have any self worth left I should stay as far away from him as possible. I mean Eric, not bro haha.. If Eric has even the slightest affection for me he should be the one who talks to me first. I don't want to be the desperate initiator anymore. It's cheap. And I want to give him the silent treatment for a change. Let's see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

I'm not gonna stalk his Facebook anymore. You know he is actually kind of boring. And cold. Cute and handsome but his personality is as dead as a rock. I should have seen it earlier. I need someone who gives me affection, someone who actually bothers to talk back to me and can keep up with my craziness. I need someone more exciting. Doesn't need to be a crazy rock star but pls lah not a rock that sits around all day and basks in the sun. Talking to Eric is like talking to a piece of log. Who knows? I might actually get a better response from the log LOL.

I'm officially back to celebrating singlehood. Who needs a man anyway? I can do everything on my own for now!!

Who Am I?

*This is an emo post. Be warned.*


I didn't realize how obsessed I am with Eric until I saw the long list of my previous entries. For the past month, he was all I talked about.

This August I have done some extreme things to get Eric's attention. The things I said were completely out of line. I just couldn't control myself. And I couldn't stop. Every time he stopped replying I just kept writing on and on, each time saying something more unhealthy until he HAD to say something. I was forcing him.

I think he knows how mentally fragile I have become, so he is just replying to prevent me from thinking too much and doing something stupid. Yeah, I almost hinted that my world would end if he ignored me.

How crazy is that?
Seriously I'm scared of the person that I have become. I was never like this before. I swear! He makes me feel so insecure, but at the same time all I want is him. Why do I feel so intense about him? I think about him every day, even dreamed about him.

There was an article in the newspaper today.. those advice column. Apparently this dude was going through the same thing as me. He was crazy about this girl, but the girl wasn't into him. They remained as friends, the girl subtly gave him hints that she wasn't interested, but the guy just didn't get it. So the advice given to him by the paper was to wake up, and realize that u can't actually love someone without getting to know them first. If it's a one way thing, then it's not considered love. It's just infatuation.

But the problem is... I only fall for guys that I barely know. It's my thing. I have never actually had feelings for a guy who was a friend first. OK there was one back in high school, after years of friendship I realized I really enjoyed his company but he is straight so it doesn't count. The point is, I'm only attracted to guys I just met. I fall in love immediately. Before the friendship stage. Do you get what I'm saying?

I'm feeling so lost. I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's time I let Eric go. Currently he is back to ignoring my messages. I don't think I should annoy him anymore.
If he's not interested, he's not interested. I can't make him like me.

But then how am I going to know what is real love? What is it? So far all the crushes on all the guys I have had.. that's not considered love right? So what is true love?

Facebook Education

Haha now that we know each other, the next logical thing for me to do was to add him as a friend using my real account. Thankfully he accepted my request :)

You can learn SO MUCH about a person from their Facebook page.

From his WALL, I can tell what type of applications he is in to. Not much. He doesn't write much either. Something else I discovered was he doesn't reply often. Like usually when a friend makes a comment on your post, you would at least say something like 'haha' or 'thanks' but he just leaves it there. Cool guy. Doesn't show much on the outside.

From his INFO tab... haha obviously his information! He listed all his siblings, so I went to their profiles and saw some of their family outing pics that he was not tagged in. So it was like a bonus :P
And my favourite part... RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE! Then again, plu guys usually put single rite, even if they are seeing someone special. Otherwise your family & friends will start questioning who's the 'girl' LOL. Other info like religon and education background... good to know but not much use.

From his PHOTOS tab... OMG this is the jackpot!!! He doesn't upload much photos, only 2 albums. BUT the photos that his friends tag him in... WHOA there was one high quality shot of his face close up that was so freaking adorable, I almost died of sweetness when I saw it! Those dreamy eyes looking straight through me :) :) :) I let out a soft scream of excitement whenever I see that pic.

And u really can learn about someone from their pictures. I can tell that he is quite an extrovert with his gang. Some of the poses were a bit extravagant LOL. He is playful around his friends. But he is still macho in my eyes. And he dresses decently also. Nice simple shirts, and I like that he wears his pants with the end of the belt hanging out a little in front.

From my description, I'm sure you can tell I still feverishly crave for Eric's affection.
But Eric ain't giving me any :(
Like I said he doesn't reply much, so sometimes when I write to him I don't know what he is thinking at all... It's hard. And just like my bro Qboy said, I cannot appear despo also. So I have to constraint myself from sending crazy 'I love you Eric' messages.

But I also want his attention. What am I supposed to do now?

Friend

I finally got a reply.. but it only came after I continued confronting him otherwise he would have stayed silent. I said some nasty things because I was so sick of waiting. Stuff like:

I give up.. i tried. i did. Sorry I even approached you. More sorry that I wasted so much of time. Yeah mine, not yours.. coz u probably don't give a fuck anyway...
and
Be a man, voice up. If u don't want me to talk to u anymore, that's fine. But give me a reason.

A bit harsh. I know. But it worked. He wrote back...
Apparently he wasn't impressed that I still hadn't introduce myself.
He also didn't like me talking about him to other ppl.. coz i mentioned talking to 'friends' which is actually you guys and he thought i was telling uni friends about him.
And finally he felt some of my previous messages were disturbing considering he didn't knew me. He was referring to that message where i volunteered to be fucked and asked if he wanted a blowjob. Yeah i know it was stupid.

But the last line made me feel better:
p/s we can be friends just chill and dont be so emo

OK so I knew what I had to do next. No more hiding. I said my name followed by a mini essay on myself.. I overcame my greatest fear of revealing my true self.. ignoring the consequences especially after all the crazy things i wrote to him.

I felt like i could trust him. Somehow i felt comfortable. It was time to come clean. Then i waited anxiously to see what he had to say...

see was that so hard ... anyway nice to meet you and good luck in your exams

OK the 'good luck in your exams' part is just super lame and sounds like something u say to someone u don't expect to talk to anytime soon.
But at least he is cool with me. the real me.

And you guys are right! All this while I expected him to have feelings for me but it was just in my head. I guess not everyone falls in love at first sight like me. I understand now.

Everything develops from a friendship right... We should get to know each other before anything can happen. So now I will try to cut down on the craziness and just be myself. Yeah, I'll relax and let my true character shine. Let him see me for who I am. Time will tell.

What's Wrong With Me?

Obviously I'm still blogging about Eric.

I don't know what is our relationship now. We are not strangers anymore, but we aren't exactly friends as well. I sent him a facebook message on Monday. He didn't reply. So I sent another yesterday. It was a really long message. You guys know how emo and direct I can get when writing to him. I said a lot of stuff, some things not entirely appropriate, kind of sexually suggestive actually...... I also gave him a huge hint as to my identity.

One reason why I did that was because I saw him as usual every Tuesday (as in yesterday). I felt he was nicer than usual to me, he came closer to me more often and even sang near me. Yeah he likes to sing in public apparently. Not loud singing, just softly but clear enough for others to hear... But he doesn't do this everywhere, usually near me. So I had this impression that he was serenading me in a way. I noticed this before, but yesterday really felt like he was directing it to me. So I immediately thought that he knew it was me writing to him. But of course I didn't say or do anything at that time. I did what I do best.. write to him when I got home!

But waiting for a reply is torture! On Monday and yesterday, I checked my facebook like every 10 minutes to see if he had replied. Today I can't do that anymore because there are 2 killer assignments due tomorrow! I have fallen behind in schedule as I was too emo last weekend to concentrate on work... So now I'm paying the price. It's going to be a sleepless night I think :(

I know he is very busy. But still, I think everyone would check their emails and facebook at least once a day right. I asked him some big questions, so why isn't he answering? :(

We're COOL!

After exchanging another 12 messages (most of them from me) we are finally cool :)
Come to think of it, I may have over reacted at some of my earlier responses.

Key points:
I apologized for outing him.
I thought he was mad at me but he wasn't.
I told him how I found his full name, email and facebook.
He didn't say much so I wasn't sure how he felt.
I said some mushy stuff, and kind of begged for a reply because there was a long moment of silence.
I was getting tensed and upset.
Finally he gave a very clear reply saying he was not mad and not going to force me to do anything. He told me to chill. He mentioned the club (Uni sport club where I got his details).
For a moment I misunderstood and thought he was talking about clubbing and was so turned off by the idea that he was a playboy/drinker/clubber.
Then he cleared it up. He said he doesn't club and I was immediately relieved and drawn back to him LOL :P
He asked if I was a member of the club.. I said no.
So he still doesn't know how I know him exactly... then he said:
"anyway, hello if i bump into you tomorrow and dun recognize who u are. gotta concentrate in my ******* project". And I replied with a cheeky comment :)

OWWWHHH so sweet rite... He said hello to me in advance, so friendly rite! And super duper charming and cute.

The moment he said he wasn't mad and told me to chill was the moment that I truly felt the tension go away. So maybe we can be web friends for a while, and when I feel comfortable enough, I will reveal myself :)

It's been a hell of an emotional-roller-coaster-ride-of-a weekend. But I'm glad things worked out! I feel so much more at peace now. And finally, my radar actually hit the spot!!! That's really an achievement for me!

thanks guys for hearing me out the past couple of days! :)

Confronting Him (Part 2!)

Berita terkini!
I just got a reply from him after I sent him a couple of messages over the last 2 days.

Me: Hey you're probably not going to reply... I realized how crazy this is. And it's selfish. So sorry. I'm embarrassed for myself.
When you like someone u do ridiculous things. I don't even know why I like you. So stupid rite...
You're a cool guy. I just need to distant myself from you now.

2 days later...

Me: Eric, i've been trying to forget u but i just can't. Can't concentrate on my work and it's bad.. because u leave me hanging there.
Can u give me another chance? Answer my question and i'll tell u how i know u.. I promise. I'm not introducing myself now coz I'm scared ok...
Actually the fact u didn't answer it right from the start already gives the answer. If you are straight you could have just said so. This would hurt but it's actually why I wrote to u. That's what i want to hear so i can move on. Sort of like closure.

If you're plu u can say so, coz I'm plu.. so there's no benefit in me telling other ppl becoz I'm on your side of the fence.
But then again my friends pointed that even if you're plu, chances are you won't even like me or know i exist, so it won't benefit me in that perspective.

So can u please just say you're straight out loud. The sooner I get crushed and heart broken, the sooner I can pick myself together. It's not fun to feel lonely and unwanted, many ppl don't write messages to their crushes like I do coz they fear rejection. I do too, but I'd rather hear the truth than linger on and suffer in my own thoughts.
Please and thank you


Him: I find it strange for a person to even remotely have an affinity towards someone that is not good looking, rich, athletic or even smart. Moreover, it doesnt make sense if u do not fear rejection then why are u not revealing yourself. Regarding your question, since you already have an answer why bother. I do not like labels. well there is your answer.
p/s:
if i find out that this is a prank and you are actually a close friend or relative of mine trying to pull a horrible joke i will find a way to get back to you
_________________


OK that was it... I don't know how to reply. Was actually hoping he was straight so I can force myself to move on. At least my radar is correct for once LOL! But knowing he's one of us doesn't make me feel better.

It feels like I forced him to come out to me. Not on his terms. So what do I do now? He's probably agitated with me already, so there's no chance of anything happening between us.

Any advice on how I should reply??
Well obviously I have to keep my part of the deal and tell him how I found his profile and stuff.
But then it's going to be so awkward in the future... Can we even be friends?

Gosh what have I done....

L.S.E. Day

Everyone experiences it once in a while, and it's happening to me today.
L.S.E. stands for low self esteem.

Maybe this has to do with the whole Eric incident, but I think it's been going on for as long as I remember. You know, generally I'm a confident person. I excel in studies, I'm not afraid to do presentations in front of the class, I'm not afraid to talk to strangers and acquaintances I meet outside. But I get all self conscious when it comes to love and guys.

I have never said this before, but deep down I don't think I'm attractive. I doubt I would appeal sexually to other guys. Especially in the plu world where appearance and presentation is vital.
Maybe this is why I don't approach guys... because I don't know how they will respond.

I avoid looking in mirrors because I don't really enjoy staring at myself.
I'm too thin. Have problems gaining weight so I look like a skeleton.
I'm not muscular and fit like the guys you see in the gym.
I have poor complexion. My skin is sensitive and breakout prone.
My hair is weird because I suck at styling it.
I think I'm too hairy. Like my arms and legs.
I think my forehead is too big.
My eyes are too small.
I wear specs. And I realized I only fall for guys who don't wear them.
Oh yeah and not to mention being gay. In the early years it was hard to accept being different, but now I'm comfortable to be plu. It's just the appearance part I haven't come into terms with.

Over the years I developed a defensive mechanism by ignoring the occasional glances from other people. But actually I'm thankful because no one has ever said anything nasty to my face. I was never bullied or teased in school so that does make me feel less crappy.

I don't think I'm ugly... meaning I won't scare people off when walking on the street. But I'm not good looking either. No one has ever said they found me attractive sexually.

I bet my market value is close to zero lol.

Confronting Him

Someone must have put high doses of 'Courage' into my food and drink, maybe it was 'Insanity'. I confronted Eric, not face to face, but through how I know best... Facebook! Actually what I did was cowardly, verging on crazy because I used my so called 'alternate' account, which had no real information about me, except gender...

Long story short, I sent him a message a couple of days ago thinking he would just treat it as spam. But today I saw a reply from him, so I replied and then he replied. Now I'm still waiting for a reply but I don't think I will get one. It went something like this:


Me: Eric, Can't stop thinking about you, and I hate it. Sorry for disturbing, that's my problem... I fall for ppl so easily. My radar tells me you're plu. Correct me if I'm wrong and help me get on my way.

Him: may i know who are u and how do u know me

Me: Sigh it doesn't matter. anyway thanks for replying.. wasn't expecting it. Btw u didn't answer my question. Think of it as helping me test the accuracy of my radar.. it has quite a bad track record LOL
Besides if you say you're not it will help me move on and I won't disturb you ever again.
Don't worry i promise i won't tell anyone, i'm not stupid.

Him: lol ...... seriously do u just jump into other people's lives thinking that it is appropriate without even introducing yourself

Me: Ermmm yea I'm a little crazy haha. See if you were plu you would understand my position. So maybe you aren't. There's so much more for me to lose for introducing myself, whereas you answering one question has virtually no risk.
I'm not a serial killer, not going to get your info and sell it or hack your accounts or anything lol. Just a hopeless romantic.
But then again you gotta point. I wouldn't reveal anything to someone i don't know either..... but it's just 1 question, if someone asks me i would probably answer.
OK never mind, i'm just talking to myself now...
Thanks for replying at least, you're nicer than i thought :p

___________

That was it. It's been 5 hours and no reply.
He isn't much of a talker, while I just blurt everything out.
But he didn't deny he was plu, or told me to fuck off. If he was straight he could have just said so right?
Why keep me hanging there? It's like slow torture...

I hope you guys don't think I'm crazy. I would never hurt him or do any scary stuff. Sending him mails might be disturbing, but it's decent content. No naked pictures or threats of any kind.
Haihhh I kind of regret doing it now.

Dreamy

My feelings for Eric are getting strong again.
My mood swings like a pendulum that oscillates from both extremes. What a bitch.

Saw him in the library today. Actually it was like spying. I was walking pass the shelves and saw him searching for books with a friend. So I purposely walked around the shelves pretending to look at books, like a shark circulating it's prey haha! Don't think he noticed me but it was so nice to see him!

My heart beats so much faster when he is in sight.
Whenever I see his pics on facebook, I feel like melting into a puddle of chocolate. He has really dreamy eyes, the type that you can stare at forever. Even as I'm typing this, I can feel the sweetness in my heart...

I thought of giving you guys a glimpse of him.. with the important features covered of course so that no one recognizes him. Hopefully I'm not breaking any rules or law :P




















Ain't he sexy? Too bad you can't see those killer DREAMY eyes :)

New Look

I didn't go for a make over, but my blog did :P

I realized the barb wire background was not the feel that I want my readers to get.
Sure my love life is depressing and all but worst things could have happened right.

I will try to be more optimistic about life, and who knows my prince might show up......
Can't believe I said that. It sounds nearly impossible, ridiculous. Even I'm not buying it.

OH WAIT... optimism!!!

The following is a shout out:

HEEEYYYY I'm over here, my knight in shining armor!
Did your horse break it's leg?
Do you need GPS to locate me?
I'm starting to get bored, and you won't like me when I'm bored!
Hurry before I get all old and wrinkly!!!

Psyching Myself

It's Tuesday again.
Means I got to see Eric today.
I don't feel as crazy as before, but every time we cross eyes I still feel something there. It's weird now.

Just when I decided to let him go, I start noticing signs that he's trying to get close to me.

It's strange how things work. Today he actually came up to me and we talked for like a few seconds (though it was work related). After some time, when we were all free and just chilling, I looked across the room and noticed he was staring at me (for sure). Even when he saw me looking at him, he continued looking at me, so I quickly looked away! =.= But there was no smile or flirty expression on his face. Just blank. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm no face reader haha.

Like I said it's weird. Somehow this time I feel something coming from him. Previously when I was all gaga about him, maybe I would have imagined that he was looking at me. But now that I feel more neutral about things, my senses should be sharper and less affected by emotions... so there is no bias in my perception lol. Therefore what I detect should be real right?

I'm starting to over think again. Time to sleep. Good night!

Feeling Alejandro

I think you guys can tell I haven't been exactly cheerful lately.

I really liked this song when the video first came out, but I feel the elements of the song so much more now. Guess you need to be in a dark place to truly appreciate it.

The message is not entirely clear, but I think that's part of the idea. To make it more intriguing, get people talking, keep fans guessing. It would be less effective if it were blatant.
Watching the video makes it more confusing. Which part is truly conveying the message, which part is just meant for cinematography, and which part is just for publicity (dressing as a nun)?

The first impression I got when I heard the lyrics was... Gaga having an affair with a married man, or someone who's clearly taken, so Gaga knows she has to let go. The line "she's got a halo round her finger, around you", the halo described should be a wedding ring, one that the man is wearing and so is his wife- hence making Gaga the third person.

More interesting (and controversial) theories I have read claim that Alejandro signifies God. The scene where she lies in bed dressed as a nun, she looks up to the sky when she said "Stop, please, just let me go, Alejandro". She raised both hands up when she called Alejandro. Several other signs in the video were reported as Gaga rejecting god, opting to empower herself instead.
Gaga fans out there please read this with an open mind, everyone has an opinion so I guess we should at least listen regardless if it's right or wrong, as long as you know your stand on it.

Personally I think the whole religion thing is just a publicity stunt, don't think she really is out to control everyone. But if you think about it, her meteoric rise to fame and how her fan base is growing in such a short period of time does make me wonder how or why it happened. It's not exactly normal.

Back to the song. Basically the theme is rejection. Doesn't matter if it was a break up, or if someone died, or if they were forced apart, it all comes to the same ending: loss of love.
I read a MTV interview where the director of the video said it was about "The pain of not being with your true love".

Look Somewhere Else

Sometimes the best way to stop yourself from hurting is to focus on something else.

I don't want to think about Eric anymore. Will stop dreaming about him, don't want to see his pictures on Facebook anymore. Don't want to guess his sexuality. Don't want to guess if he's interested in me or not.

Whatever happens, happens right... or "If it's meant to be, it will be".
They say love comes when you least expect it. *sigh* Yeah right, I'm still waiting for that to happen.

Over the years I think I try too hard. I realized being in a relationship is not that important. I won't die if I'm single. The feeling of loneliness comes every now and then, but it fades with time especially when I'm busy. So now I will immerse myself in studies. Channel all the energy on finishing work. I really need to do that to survive this semester.

Yeah I definitely feel better than that day. My mind is on track now.
I will not allow myself to get hurt.

Time to "get hard". My heart is hardened.

Horrible Turn

Today was a very very bad day.
One of the worst since I entered Uni.

So MANY things went wrong, it was a combination of bad luck and mistakes on my part.
Eric hardly paid any attention to me today. I was already feeling so low, yet he looked as if he couldn't be bothered.

As if things weren't bad enough I started feeling sick. Was a little unwell and couldn't pay attention in lab. I was agitated by all the things that went wrong.

Was supposed to meet a friend for lunch but because of the problems before, I was half an hour late. He was pissed but didn't show it. I know I would if you make me wait that long. In the end we ate in the cafeteria instead of going out because he had another class soon. I hate eating there. Very crowded and hot, made me feel even more uncomfortable.

Actually there's another 2 hours of lecture in the afternoon but I couldn't take it anymore. Felt like I was going to burst into tears so I rushed home. It's a rule of mine to NOT cry about personal matters in front of other people, even family members.

Usually crying helps make me feel better. But no tears are coming out now. I guess I have calmed down. I'm tired. Maybe I should take a nap before facing the pile of assignments that will be due soon. Sucks. Tired, lonely, sick and stressed.

And guess what.. I discovered Eric's real name by chance. Yeah it required some googling and smart thinking. Next was Facebook. He used his chinese name instead of Eric so no wonder I had no luck before. Not much info except his hometown. No D.O.B or relationship status. At least there were some pictures. He had like 400+ friends, only 1 mutual friend that was my high school mate.

I'm starting to sense that he isn't plu.
Even if he is, based on how he treated me today I'm sure he has no feelings for me.
I'm really starting to think that I should forget about him A.S.A.P. :(

Surprise!

Hehehe so happy today because I got to see Eric up close (no he wasn't naked) but still I got a good look at his arms and face.

Normally I see him every Tuesday, so today is like a bonus!
He was standing right at the other side of the door as I was about to enter the room. Once again there was eye contact. Darn I forgot to lick my lips like what Bravebear suggested. I was just so surprised to see him!!! *drools all over self*

If there was nobody else there I probably would have confessed my feelings to him. It was the perfect opportunity except there were 2 other girls in the room. One was my friend. So all I could do was STARE... He seems sexier now.

And I think he has a nice body after all. I noticed some muscles on his arms, but not bulging like a body builder of course. Maybe he works out a little. Guys who go to the gym are more likely to be gay right? OK I'm making assumptions to feel better about my chances LOL.


I can't wait to see him again tomorrow. But I don't know what to do. Would it be crazy if I asked him for his number? Nahh I don't think that's a good idea. Maybe I should stick to flirting with the eyes and try licking my lips if the chance comes up haha.

Or how about eating a banana in front of him LOL. I will bite it off slowly and look as if every bite in my mouth tasted so amazing that I would arch my back, tilt my head, close my eyes and make "Ohhhhh" sounds in the most sensual manner while caressing the remaining uneaten banana gently with both hands. OK sorry I'm bad at jokes. XD

Drowning

I hate this part right here. My heart aches, I can't concentrate on work.
I hate myself for not being able to control my emotions. Letting it get the best of me.
It's uncomfortable. Unsettled. Sad.

How can I feel so strongly about someone I barely know? It's supremely ridiculous!
I spent some time on Facebook trying to locate his profile. But without a full name I failed. Must have looked through hundreds of profiles. How stupid and crazy is that?

I want to stop thinking about him but it's not that easy. I wish he was in front of me right now so I could tell him how I feel and get it over with.

When I'm single I know I don't want to stay like that forever.
When I have a crush I feel like how I feel right now. Sick and desperate.
When I realize my crush is straight, I get heart broken.
Then the cycle repeats itself.

It's misery all the way. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? T_T

Confusion

Recent posts about bisexuality as well as roles (top/bottom/versatile) from fellow bloggers has been really interesting to read. Got me thinking a lot. To the extent of being confused.

Things I thought I knew turned out to be so much more complicated. So many things I never considered before. It's good in a way. This process will help me understand myself better. I just need to figure it out.

Recently I have been feeling extra lonely. I always feel like that when I have a crush on someone. Craving for his love, but knowing that you won't get it sucks.

I actually prefer the times when I'm happily single and not eyeing anyone. You feel strong and independent, like you don't need a man. Yes I would still be hungry for men but at least I won't feel lonely and weak. It would be more to hot, desperate & sexy haha.

Oh man my feelings for Eric is getting stronger by the day. It's ridiculous how fast I fall in love. I want him so badly. I can't stop picturing the image of us cuddling together while watching a scary movie, how it would feel to have his arms around me...............


God, I should get some sleep.

Eye Candy Eyeing Me

I like funny, catchy titles =)

Something interesting happened today. Can't describe the situation in detail but let's just say Eric and I were in a room (with lots of other ppl of course). Obviously I was checking him out A LOT, then I noticed sometimes when I looked at him, he was already looking at me.

Eye to eye... BAM!

Normally if someone doesn't catch your eye you won't even notice their presence right, let alone stare at them. Could this be something? Or just my imagination yet again? It's creepy how much this resembles the thing I had going on with MK. Remember I talked about how MK would look at me when I was looking at him? Turns out I was just plain nuts.

My radar tells me he's one of us... from his body language and speech. But physically he looks like a typical straight. But my radar is super horrible, guys I think are gay (or Bi.. something I learned recently from fellow bloggers) turn out to be straight straight, and guys I think are straight, drop the bomb at me. Sometimes the most straight looking ppl are the ones that join the sites I join.

I guess there's no real way of judging sexual preference without actually asking that person.
Unfortunately it's not something you talk about over a casual lunch right hahaha.

The problem now is that even if he's really interested in me, he probably wouldn't come up to me as well for the same reasons. I assume everyone in uni thinks I'm straight.

Suggestions?

Not So Dry

Just when I said it was getting boring, excitement was injected into my veins!
Spotted a new eye candy at school.

Let me give you a description......
OK well he's my senior, not sure how old he is but he looks matured, not old-looking mature because there is also a hint of little boy cuteness about his face. Not sure what that look is called, but I know for sure he is intelligent.

Totally not the outright screaming sexy type. He's more like the grounded, looks slightly geeky but not actually geeky type. He's not the guy you wanna fuck with instantly, rather the guy you would wanna know, maybe go on a date have a few laughs then fuck with.

On first look you might think he is cocky because there is this seriousness about his expression, like a little tensed but I think he's really a nice guy if you know him and will open up to you. Just guessing though, I don't actually know his personality.

Doesn't look like he works out so it's only an average body, but I would like to imagine he makes up for that with a larger than average tool and maybe excellent skills in bed LOL! Fantasies...

I know I should not have crushes on guys in uni, certainly don't want a repeat of the whole MK experience again. Every time I see him it's an eye sore. Really sucks. OH I forgot to mention this eye candy's name! It's Eric. Such a sweet name right? So far it's still at eye candy level, no crush or crazy feelings yet :P

Will let you know how it goes

Pooooff

So much for a comeback. It's been more than a month since my last post.
Sorry if I didn't respond to comments or posts, I'm just in a 'mentally lethargic' state.

Anyway there hasn't been anything worth blogging about.
My plu life has been dry. Like sand in your mouth dry. Basically I'm living the life of a straight single now.

Nobody catches my eye.
I don't catch anybody's eye.
That sums it up.

And I have been hesitant to blog about other things, like the daily stuff I do or enjoy.
Partly because I realized the plu circle is not that discreet. Through certain sites I have discovered that some people I know are plu. Friends of friends in high school or college. About 4 of them now.

It's interesting in a way, but then I wonder if they saw my profile and know as well. Then I think "what if the word gone out" and more of my friends knew. It's puzzling and I still wish to stay private so it's not easy for me to open up anywhere... including here.

I actually know a couple of bloggers here in 'real' life, so to speak. But of course I didn't tell them. I would guess they want to stay private too. I wonder if they know about me and this blog now.

The Wave

Something I would like to share.

Not sure if you guys join dating/buddy sites or whatever you call it. I noticed some sort of trend in terms of responses.

When you first join, responses are rather frequent being the newbie and all, after a while things slow down gradually and eventually it reaches a silent point. Sometimes I log in several times a day just to check if there are new messages or if anyone has viewed my profile. Yeah it's pathetic right LOL.

After that initial wave, responses come in bunches. Some days there's nothing, then some days there are several approaches! I joined 2 sites, so it can get quite messy when I'm getting on with a few guys at the same time. I tend to forget certain things.

But those are what I call lucky days. Rare in fact. Most days it's nothing. It can make you feel quite low. Sometimes I wonder how I can enhance my profile, like posting naughty pictures or notes. But that's not really being yourself right, it's like pretending or exaggerating just to seek attention. A profile should reflect who you are in a sincere manner.

It's so hard to find a man with substance. Maybe I'm looking at the wrong place. Almost every guy starts their conversation indicating desire for sex. OK maybe some start with a brief intro and small talk then ask for sex. Sometimes I entertain them when I'm horny but in the long run I know this is totally not what I want.

Even making genuine friends from these sites is hard. Most come and go. Some disappear when they know there's not gonna be any action, some disappear after one conversation. OK but there are a few nice people I don't regret meeting. Really helped me understand the gay world better.

And FYI regarding the previous post I was unsuccessful at going wild LOL. At that time I was in the process of meeting several guys for you-know-what, but somehow they all got turned down one way or another. I just didn't want to anymore.

Maybe I want to stay a good boy for now.
But if a nice, hot guy comes along then I won't hesitate to unleash the animal in me that's just dying to come out. Gonna drive him nuts. ;)

Comeback

If anyone is still reading this well I have returned!

After the disappointment of MK I isolated myself from love/relationships.

Now I return a little different. The faith I had for relationships is gone and truth be told all I wanna do now is to go wild. Revisiting the sites I abandoned for potential hook ups.

When you're horny you feel empowered over your body and it's just so sexy. It makes me wanna do all sorts of naughty things.

I do not know how long this feeling will last, maybe I might regret it later, but I'll deal with that when it happens.

Coincidentally this song perfectly describes my current situation.

Heal

They say time heals everything.

I know for sure nothing is going to happen between MK and I.
But I still see him so often, it makes it hard to forget him.
At times like this, I turn to music for some much needed healing.

Truth is out

One thing about facebook is how the truth can be revealed. Can be a good or bad thing.

I discovered that MK, the guy I have been dreaming about for almost a month is as STRAIGHT as an arrow. Sure his relationship status says 'single', but it's so obvious he isn't. There is this girl that's posting all the mushy stuff on his wall. Kisses and hugs, calling him 'dada'. And he responded by 'liking' all those posts.

What's wrong with me? How come I keep falling for straight men?

Perhaps the problem is NOT me.

What's wrong with straight men? How come they keep behaving/acting like gay guys? Why stare at me with your dreamy eyes? Why appear/walk in front of me so often? Why give me false hope?


I guess this is a good discovery. I can stop wasting time thinking about him and focus on more important things. Kelly Clarkson's Since You Been Gone is playing in my head now!

Bigger Than Big

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Ricky Martin comes out

That's right, Ricky Martin has finally come out of the closet.

After years of speculation, he finally posted a statement on his website yesterday.
What he said was inspiring, and I have always thought he was super hot!!!

http://rickymartinmusic.com/portal/news/news.asp?item=114532


LOVE YOU RICKY!

Technically Friends

He accepted my friend request on facebook.

It took a lot of courage for me to add him... but I really want to get to know him. Or at least view his full profile (PICS!!!) haha.

So many thoughts in my head as I considered clicking the 'add as friend' button. What are the consequences of my action?

First of all, I'm sure he must wonder how I know his name.
Secondly, why I added him since we don't know each other.

My feelings for him are too strong I just couldn't care about the consequences anymore.
If he has feelings for me, then I'm sure now he will know how I feel and we can have some progress!
If he doesn't, well then maybe he will see me as a crazy stalker, so I better come up with a good excuse for adding him if he confronts me.

I will definitely run into him tomorrow. My plan is just to pretend nothing happened. Hopefully I won't be embarrassed!

Super Stalker

I now know his name (without asking)!

It was a long process, I feel like a crazy stalker. During last week's lab session, we had to write our names on an attendance list. We were almost the last to leave, he wrote his name minutes before me. So I looked through the list, narrowed it down to 2 possible unfamiliar guy names based on hand writing and student ID.

I was just guessing.
So I went home and searched the names on facebook. And what do you know, I hit jackpot!
But his profile is restricted, only got to see his profile pic and limited info. Everyone should do that to prevent psychos from stalking lol.

BUT at least New Hottie has a name now... Let's call him MK for short.


This situation reminds me of Lady Gaga's Paparazzi.
"I'm your biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me... Promise I'll be kind, but I won't stop until that boy is mine, baby you'll be famous chase you down until you love ME"

Still Him

About him again.

Can't stop thinking of him. The fact that I run into him everyday doesn't help. This week has been interesting. We spoke for the first time, only briefly though about something totally random. I didn't get his name. So no facebook stalking LOL.

I feel like he's trying to approach me but is holding back. Just like me. Neither one of us wants to make the first move. But we like to hang around near each other. I sense that he feels the same way about me through eye contact. When you like someone, you look at them differently. It's like you look at the person but not directly in the eye for too long.

The reason I don't want to approach him is because I have been wrong many times before. So far, all the guys I had feelings for were straight. I always end up disappointed. Apparently my radar is broken. Can someone fix it for me?

I even dreamt about him a couple of days ago. Nothing sexual. In fact it was with a group of friends discussing assignments. Lately the work load is insane. Under pressure everyday.

I could really use a hug from him now!

Standstill

I have yet to make a connection with new hottie. I'm a failure T_T

Yesterday I started to feel that it's all in my head, he doesn't give a crap about me. So I tell myself to ignore him and just focus on other things.

But today he appears right behind me while I was walking into the lecture hall. I wasn't even trying to spot him. There are tons of people in my class, why must he come in RIGHT behind me?

Coincidence?
What did I tell you about the mind games LOL... He always seems to be nearby. Is he trying to approach me? Or is this just god messing with me???


Sigh........

New Hottie Part 2

We had another MOMENT.
Actually it could be my imagination hahaha.


I was disappointed that I couldn't see him in the lecture hall. That was the only chance to spy on him today. So my friends and I walked out the hall and... THERE HE WAS, just standing outside as though he was waiting for me!

We looked into each others eyes for like 2 seconds, then he turned away and left, like he was waiting to see me and right after that he walked away. I was headed elsewhere so we went opposite directions.

He was wearing a tight yellow shirt today, I didn't realize his body was toned, I bet he works out!!! *drools*


This is probably just in my head. My mind likes to play tricks on me when I have a crush on someone. This feeling is just insane. I feel like throwing my body on him and just beg him to kiss me. Arghh I can't stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!

New Hottie!

There's a new guy in my course and I have another crush!

OMG don't know where he came from, don't even know his name yet. But he is hot... and cute! A bit of facial hair also... so sexy! No movie star good looks but still totally my type. I'm drooling just thinking about him.

First saw him last Friday during morning lecture. I was early so I went into the lecture theater and he walked in just before me. That was the first time we crossed eyes! My heart instantly skipped a beat.

I thought that was the only common class we shared. But today I discovered he was in the same Chemistry lab as me! Throughout the entire lab session I kept looking at him, and even walked past him intentionally a few times.

I get all self conscious around guys I like. The behaviour is so unnatural LOL.
I wonder if he notices me at all...

So far he has been keeping to himself, hasn't really joined any gangs yet.
I feel like talking to him but I'm shy. Besides there is a huge chance that he is straight.


God I feel like a stalker.

Pubic Hair

Forget about my miserable life for a moment, I got a question.
Yes, about pubic hair lol.

Do you guys shave? Or trim it at least?

I'm curious what happens if you don't... will it grow longer and longer continuously just like the hair on your head? Or is there a limit?

What about armpit hair? Won't it become a hanging forest if it grows forever?

Sorry for being gross.
I'm a curious person. I ask a lot of questions.
Can someone please answer them, pretty please with sugar on top? :)

Lonely

Lonely is such a pathetic word. Yet that's exactly how I feel now.
I have family & friends. Yet I still feel empty.

No one truly gets me. Sometimes even I don't get me.
Every now and then I feel isolated. Disconnected from everyone else.

I can be independent. I'm not looking for someone to take care of me.
That's not what I need.

I'm not looking for someone to talk to. I have friends for that.
I'm not much of a talker anyway.

I'm not looking for casual sex. It doesn't get me anywhere.
It's not as pleasurable as I imagined.

I guess I'm lonely because I have yet to meet my soul mate.
There are many guys on the web, yet I can't find a match.
Someone who understands me. Someone who wants the same things as me.
I have yet to experience true love.

I feel it's impossible to find "THE ONE" through the Internet because it's just different from meeting someone in your daily life, someone that you already know or always see, you know like the guy from college that you have a crush on.

It's just hard to be attracted to someone that you have not met in person in the first place. People who seek love online already have the intention when they chat with strangers. So it's not like you fall in love naturally because you are genuinely attracted to that person, you know what I mean?

Ain't easy finding someone online who is from your social circle, who can identify with your background and lifestyle. In a way it's easier to look in "real life", the people who hang with us, people that we can relate to in other aspects. Unfortunately it's also not easy to tell if they are interested in us... After all you can't just tell your friend that you like him and ask if he is gay.

Either way it's difficult. No wonder I'm still alone now........