New Job, New Hot Boss

Hello! Haven't been here in a while, and just going round reading some blogs, feels like I've been MIA for the past couple of months.

That comes down to me being occupied with my new job - Yes, after several months off and enjoying the good life, I've finally had to face reality... which isn't so bad actually. This new job (only my 2nd full time employment) pays better, has a more structured and organised working culture and environment, and the job role seems to fit me better, requiring more creative flair (at least that's how I feel for now). I'm still in the same industry (sciency + foody) haha but now I no longer work in the lab, and I also seem to have more authority, because I have juniors to order around guide.  

My manager, let's call him K - who also happens to be the boss' son (It's a family business), is next in line to take over the company when his daddy retires. I report to K directly, and let's just say he is fucking hot. Like I'm not even exaggerating. He is handsome + muscular arms + gym fit body + tall + speaks English as his first language (coz he's a total banana) + well mannered + charming and is a total gentleman. 

Whenever we are at a door, he will hold it open for me and let me through first.. like I just want to melt into a puddle and die haha!! We often have lengthy one-on-one work discussions and when I look into those dreamy eyes I just feel a shockwave go through me... He's 30 this year, and from gossiping with colleagues he doesn't seem to have a girlfriend or ever talk about it, which is very strange for such an eligible bachelor. 

During the job interview I already got the vibe that he's gay, because he's the typical hot guy who spends a lot of effort on grooming and going to the gym very regularly.... typical signs of gayness, especially when there is no girlfriend in sight, and his fb and whatsapp (don't ask me how I know) is mostly males haha..

So I've been discreetly flirting with him both in person and also on whatsapp by saying certain things, but I can't really tell from his responses because he generally doesn't give much reaction. But he's not put off or annoyed by my advances as well. It's like talking to a log sometimes. But then there are also times where he's super nice to me, and the way he says things sometimes doesn't seem typical of a boss-employee relationship, so I'm getting mixed signals.

My gut is telling me that this is way too good to be true, and a hunk like him is probably attached. My guess is he has a super awesome boyfriend who is equally fit and good looking, and they probably have raging hot sex every weekend in a fancy hotel / rented serviced apartment (because they're both filthy rich) hahahaha...

OK OK I should not think so much... Will keep you all posted if there's any development :P

XOXO

J-boy

STD Report :O

Finally did a full check up this week and given the all clear! *phew*

Some of you may know I not-so-accidentally engaged in some unsafe activities back in January... I know, I know, what was I thinking, shouldn't I practice what I preach, you stupid hoe...

I've said it many times, my 3 Golden Rules for sex (esp casual ones) are:
1. No condom, no fuck
2. Anything that has been inside the ass doesn't go into the mouth
3. Don't swallow

In fact, this is something I recite to myself right before I'm about to go down to town with someone haha. And I'm glad I stuck to these rules all these years until that 1 stupid evening, which is all it takes to undermine years of relatively careful practice.

So, apart from that particular exposure, another concern that prompted a check up was that I noticed an unfamiliar white bump on the underside of the glans, visible after rolling down the foreskin. I was pretty sure it wasn't a genital wart, but given it was something that developed recently, I felt the need to have it looked at.

Now I know going to a clinic / health center for a STD check up can be daunting, as it was for me.. which is why I hesitated for so long. But if you really think about it, your health and well being is worth way more than whatever embarrassment or potential judgment you think you might face.

After doing some research and reading positive reviews, I decided to head to Klinik Bangsar South, which specializes in STD checks & treatment, and they are known for efficient service, discretion and no judgment. No appointments necessary, just walk in. The doctor I met was well informed, experienced and diminished any awkwardness I felt. The whole process was done in about 30 minutes and I received an email the next day with my test results and explanation from the nice doc. All of the info can be found on their site:
http://klinikbangsarsouth.com/index.html

And the doctor agreed that the white bump on my dick wasn't a wart, which is a relief haha! The comprehensive blood test which covers HIV, Hep B, Chlamydia, Syphilis, Herpes costs RM250, and consultation ranges from RM40-60. Not sure if the rate is fair, but given the speed, efficiency and discretion, I would say it's acceptable for an annual check up.

If anyone would like to know more about the clinic or my experience, feel free to leave a comment! :)

Happy Thoughts
XOXO

Single

It's been more than a year since the whole incident with my guy, I think I'm finally ready to admit I'm currently single, but not sure whether I'm available.

Looking back at my entire adult life haha, I honestly think I'm the happiest when I'm single and not actively looking for someone to date. I'm generally miserable when I have a crush on someone, miserable when I'm with someone, and miserable when I'm seeking someone new.

If you look around, there are so many people who are in relationships that aren't happy and have all kinds of issues, only a rare few who are genuinely happy with who they are with in the circumstances that they are in, and I totally respect that. But to meet someone who gets you and fits you who just so happens to love you too is extremely rare. I had experienced that once but it wasn't meant to be, not in this lifetime at least...

My point is, we shouldn't be actively seeking or feel lonely about being single. I know some people who can't stay single for long, and it amazes me how they get into a new relationship so soon... I'm not judging, everyone has different needs and ways of coping and living, so just do whatever works for you right?

Just saying I'm not like that, and I don't think I will meet someone like the guy I just lost, someone who made me feel like I found the missing half of the puzzle that just made me feel complete in the most fuzzy and nauseating way, something that you wouldn't know was possible until you experienced it and you go 'Ohhhh, so that's what love feels like'.

And even with him, I wasn't actually looking at that time. I was at that point where I had accepted I was probably going to be single indefinitely after coming back from my Tokyo trip and I had this strange sense of erm independence and clarity. Then he just randomly popped up and we just hit it off from Day 1. It really sounds too good to be true, but it happened and I'm glad I got the chance to love, and be loved.

Moving forward, I'm now done with the final stages of mourning, and right now I'm just happy to be living and still be alive LOL. I believe he would want that for me. So glad I didn't do anything stupid during those dark and weak moments last year.

Now let's see who I not intentionally meet hahaha.

Happy thoughts
XOXO

Addicted to Addicted

I can't believe I'm saying this, but yeah the 15 episode web series Addicted is really addictive.

I don't normally follow or watch Chinese shows, but if you're gay I'm sure you would have heard of or seen it mentioned on fb by your liked minded friends hahaha, unless you've been living in a cave :P

I read an article that says this web series was recently banned on streaming sites in China, leaving many fans of the show in the country furious. That just shows how long more Asia has to go in terms of truly accepting homosexuality and its portrayal / presence in pop culture.
 
Luckily for the rest of the world, the series is easily available on YouTube (also banned in China LOL), though the subtitles put in by fans isn't entirely spot on, but I was still able to understand it with my limited longkang Mandarin :)

I admit the plot is borderline cheesy, but the acting was surprisingly really well, especially by the hunky guy that plays Gu Hai (so fucking hot!!). Be warned though, watching this series leaves you with a strange feeling of gleefulness and loneliness at the same time, especially if you're single when watching it.

It's very much like when people tell little girls not to believe in Disney fairy tales where the princess magically finds prince charming and lives happily forever after. Likewise, Addicted's Gu Hai character is just way too caring, loving, charming, macho and he's like the perfect boyfriend that checks all the right boxes.... which means he doesn't exist in real life.

Either that, or I just haven't met one like that. :P

XOXO
Happy thoughts    

2016!

*wipes off thick layer of dust*

Happy new year everyone!

If you're still reading blogs in 2016, kudos to you! I know I haven't, and I just did a round in the blogosphere and I'm surprised to still see active bloggers around :)

2015 wasn't great by a long shot, mostly because I was wrapped up in my own thoughts, but it wasn't bad if I look at it from a wider perspective. It's all in the mind.

It's a new year, I just wanna move on and be happy. There's so much that I still wanna do. Special shoutout to the group known to me as the "G.B." hahaha, 2015 wouldn't have been the same without your awesomeness and support, from cooking together to catching movies, birthday celebrations and going on a fancy staycation haha.

Definitely learned to interact more and get to know more friends, and that's something I intend to develop further :)

Here's to a happy, drama free 2016!!

XOXO
J-boy

Ohhh the tagline for this year is.... Happy Thoughts ;)

Wait, What?

Been almost 10 months since we lost contact... the sparse updates I get from the cousin only fill me with more doubt. It has reached the point where I no longer know who or what to believe.

I say I have kind of moved on, but those emotions are only buried temporarily in my mind. The slightest trigger is all it takes to mess with my sanity again.

On 3rd October.... for the first time ever, he responded to all those messages I left him on FB.

All he said was:

Thank you
I love you
I am sorry for leaving you

That's all I get after 10 months. I texted back, but he hasn't been online since. It's highly suspicious. For starters, the time the message was sent was 5am in Canada, which doesn't make sense because the last I heard in August, he was still unwell in the hospital and probably doesn't have access to the Internet. If it were someone from his family, they probably wouldn't be crazy enough to text me at 5am also right?

So who was it that accessed his Facebook? Is it the same person who logged in on Valentine's and again on my birthday? Why wait so long to text me? Why tell me such things now?

The message is so cryptic. Is it a farewell note? Or was he merely apologizing for leaving me in those months? Or is he saying he's leaving me now? Shouldn't he say 'I am sorry I left you'? Or something along the lines of 'I am sorry for leaving you, but I'm here now.... If he really is reaching out to me, shouldn't he be expecting my reply and logging in to check more often?

None of this makes sense. And it only messes with my head.
What the hell.

Well, Life Goes On

Here to update everyone...

The situation with my guy hasn't improved, barely getting updates from Canada now because his family has remained silent. Even their relatives here in Malaysia are kept out. I do know that his mum has read my super long email and has refused to allow me to reach out to him and be involved in his treatment, but at least she didn't say mean things or tell me to stay the hell away from her son, etc.. So I don't think they hate me. I respect that they want some privacy and they don't want anyone or anything that can agitate him further at the moment.

Regardless of what happens, I know I have done everything I can. The email shows them my sincerity, my character, and how much he means to me. Don't think I have ever spent so much effort to craft such a heartfelt and genuine piece. I cried writing it, and I cried reading it. At least now they have a more clear and real impression of me, and hopefully some day they will let me in. Now all I can do is wait. He needs time. His mind is still in a very bad place now.

Time has definitely helped me with the pain, that and really great support from awesome people. Still can't believe I came out to my family (except dad) and everyone is so cool about it. My mum asks me weird questions about gays from time to time that are really awkward to answer haha, but the important thing is that she accepts me, and I can tell she tries hard to understand what being gay means, even though she still doesn't really get it haha. My mum said she doesn't care whether I end up dating guys or girls, the most important thing is to be careful and don't get drugged and stuff because she has this misguided impression that MOST gays do drugs and participate in shady behaviour LOL!!

It's been 3 months now. Still don't know how I managed to get through those weeks. I was extremely emotional, contemplated suicide once, cried every single day to the point that my eyes were puffy and I lost about 5 kilos from a lack of appetite. Seeking therapy with a psychologist definitely helped. Even though he was telling me things I kind of already know, but hearing it from a professional really helps to put things in perspective. They have some skills in unlocking realizations. So don't have second thoughts about seeking therapy if something bad is bothering your life.

To the awesome friends that have stayed by my side and endured my crazy, I really do thank you guys!! I really think we have bonded under such tragic circumstances. I know it sounds stupid, but my tragedy has brought me closer to a lot of people, and I'm thankful for everyone in my life. Shoutout to Tuls for being my main pillar and venting outlet, Daniel for sharing so much with me, and KeLexie hahaha for good food and getting sprayed with pee (not human) together hahaha! And to my one and only nun sister, you're irreplaceable, I will always care about you, so glad we met up before you went back to Aussieland haha!

To those who think it's silly of me to be suffering so much over a guy, I'd say 'Fuck you, you don't know what it feels like to have the person you love ripped away from you so tragically until it actually happens to you.' I'm not sad because I feel bad for myself, I'm sad because I feel very sorry that something so unbelievable and horrible can happen to someone so decent and kind and sensitive, and not be able to reach him or do anything to help or comfort him really hurts... To see the person you love suffer and have his mind and soul tortured, and to know he feels strongly about you and wants you too, yet be kept away by his family... To miss someone so severely I didn't think it was possible for me to care about someone more than I care about myself... I would gladly suffer/die in his place if it could bring him his happiness and health back... It just hurts too much to see a loved one suffer.

I'm better now, and I continue to stay hopeful. Life goes on.