Time For A Change

On December 9, 2013 By GratefulGranIn 'bout me, change, growing, Moving on7 Comments

I started this blog in January 2007. Right now that seems way more than a lifetime ago. So much has happened in these last seven years. The vast majority has been really good, but there have been some tough times as well. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I have been very happy and fortunate to share it with those of you who have been interested enough to keep reading. You know who you are, and thank you!

I’ve always moved in intuitive seven-year cycles. Right now, I’ve been doing this blog for seven years, I’ve been in medical transcription for seven years, and a few other things. I’m feeling a need for motion and growth, nothing drastic that requires immediate or explosive action, but tiny ripples underneath the surface, like a catfish traveling along the silty bottom of a lake, stirring things up. When the silt settles, the water will be clear again, and maybe showing something shiny and new that turned up.

I’ve learned a lot about going with the flow in seven years. I’ve learned that sometimes the best plan is no plan, but just an attitude of openness and an ability to receive. I’ve learned that there is no bad flow, just a willingness to go with it or to hold yourself back from it. Everything in its own time. Some things I hold as certain knowledge today are things I couldn’t have imagined seven years ago. I can only hope the next seven years brings even more clarity and blessings.

I realized a couple of weeks ago that it’s time to move on from this place. It’s time for me to stop being “Grumpy Granny.” Yep. It hit me the other day that I can’t call myself grumpy and be grateful at the same time. Although I’m not really all that grumpy most of the time, I need to let that monniker go, even in my thoughts. It’s hard because I’ll part of me will always be the young grumpy granny, the 43-year-old traveler who met a kind Australian man in Edinburgh, Scotland. I told him my troubles and he gave me a nickname that’s stuck for 13 years. So, yes, I’m going to keep on being GG, but in a different form.

I’m building a new house out here in cyberspace, and I’m already starting to like it. This place will remain up for a while–maybe a very long time. So, if you want to see the pictures, find the recipes, and gain a little insight into what got me to this place, feel free to look back over the past seven years. I may come back to visit from time to time myself, but right now, I’m looking forward, eager to create a new life full of gratitude and blessings. The last couple of weeks has been incredibly enlightening, and I can only hope the coming days will be as good. I’d love to have you along for the ride if you want to join me!

Happy days, my friends, happy days!

It’s A Long Story…

On November 5, 2013 By GratefulGranIn 'bout me, adjustment, change4 Comments

…and I don’t have time right now to go into it. Suffice to say that in the thirty minutes I’ve given myself right now to start cleaning/reorganizing/de-cluttering my office, I found a little affirmation kit that G was going to ditch a while back.

I asked her for it and promptly set on my desk to start catching dust. I pulled it over to decide if I was going to really use it or if I should toss it or re-gift it or whatever.

This card was on top:

“I release the need to blame anyone, including myself. We are all doing the best we can with the understanding, knowledge, and awareness we have.”

I feel like I just lost about a hundred pounds.

I’m keeping the kit.

Practicing Gratitude

On August 9, 2013 By GratefulGranIn 'bout me, adjustment, change, gratitude4 Comments

I’ve been having a really hard time over the last weeks, months…long period of time. It started gradually. I think maybe it began after I got back from SF in fall 2011, so it’s been creeping up for a while. Insidious, like alcoholism. I stopped swimming for a long time. I don’t know why. Then we joined the gym and that was good, but then my shoulder started acting up, but it started to get better, then I hurt it again, and then my ankle acted up, and here we are. That’s a very simplistic and compressed timeline, but sort of a capsule of physical stuff going on. During that time, I’ve really tried to watch what I’ve eaten and I think I’ve been fairly successful because I put on a pair of slacks the other day that I wore when I was in the law office, which I left in late 2006 and they fit the same. I’m trying to be more aware of when and how much I eat, and why. That’s an ongoing battle and probably always will be. I look at E, who has, according to his last doctor visit, a BMI of 18%, long, lean, whipcord slim and nothing but muscle, bone and sinew, and wonder, what on EARTH could that feel like? I will never know, that’s for sure.

I’ve also been dealing with (or not dealing with, according to G) a terrible sense of general malaise/ennui. Much of the time, I just have no energy. Right now, I’m chalking it up to the heat (although at the moment it is a perfect 64 degrees and I feel great, which is why I’m blogging). I’ve stopped doing things. Rode my bike this weekend for the first time in ages. Haven’t swum. Haven’t really walked, except around the park. I actually got a call this week from my old t’ai chi teacher (I had been thinking about her) asking how we were doing (via message) and letting me know she’s teaching another class on Thursdays that might be about where we left off in private lessons so long ago. Before Alcatraz. Wow. I don’t know why this is happening. I can attribute some of it to my financial situation and the evil of comparison. Comparing myself to people who make way more money, who made better career choices, who like what they do better, who have more financial freedom to travel, to play, etc. But that’s not all of it. Still trying to figure it out. Hormonal? Could be, but I despise that catch all, “Oh, it’s just your hormones.” Like you can’t really FEEL anything unless it’s related to your period or lack thereof.

I finally broke down and did a Tarot reading for myself the other day, another thing that I quit doing. Of course, it was gut-wrenchingly spot on. So much so that I think I’ll write it up and post it here. When I get around to it. If I do. See? That’s just how I feel all the time.

This is really taking a toll on our relationship. Not that it’s all me, it isn’t. G seems to have become SO rigid, SO negative, SO judgmental over this same time. Everything she looks at seems to be WRONG. She doesn’t see it that way, of course, but we can’t even ride down the street without her going on about trash, litter, someone’s leaves, a car up on blocks, kids playing in the street who might get hit, the paint being chipped on the car (Oh, my dear GOD), whatever. She doesn’t see it as negative, just “noticing.” She notices everything. I, apparently, notice nothing. We go outside in the yard and I’m watching the hummingbirds and butterflies; she’s got her nose out for drug deals and child molesters in the park across the street. I’m not Pollyanna. I know that stuff goes on. Hell, I’ve stood in the window and taken pictures of it and sent them to the cops. But that’s NOT what I want to focus on. The dichotomy of our natures seems to be getting larger and larger and it’s getting harder and harder to be who I am and who I want to be with her. She seems to feel the same way. I’m not exactly sure how to get it back. Maybe we can’t. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Of course, tossing E in the picture hasn’t helped–or maybe it IS helping, I don’t know. But his presence didn’t cause this, just caused it to come clear, the way those last straws so often do. This might be a good thing.

I got up really early this morning (4 am), paid my bills. Hello paycheck, good-bye paycheck. Worked for an hour–maybe bigger paycheck next time. Then I went upstairs, made coffee and breakfast–tofu veggie scramble. Yes, dear God, I’ve descended to tofu for breakfast. But hey, it’s pretty good and the squash has to go somewhere, right?

I was thinking about gratitude as I sat on the porch with incense burning to ward off the mosquitoes. I suddenly realized I should be grateful for all this. It’s pushing me somewhere. I’m not sure just where yet, but there’s an underlying purpose to it. If I can let go of the angst of it and just feel it, then I know (past experience) that I will come out on the other side and my compass will re-engage.

So I’m going to practice. Practice gratitude. Practice saying thank you. Last week in our parenting classes, we talked about praise. We were supposed to praise someone twice a day for the week until the next class. I think I did, but I don’t feel like I got any praise. That’s okay. I can be grateful for not feeling praised. Maybe I should praise myself. Maybe that’s part of the problem. If I don’t feel like I deserve praise, why should anyone give me praise?

I don’t think we’re going to fall apart, and I’m grateful for that. I think we both have enough invested and there’s still a lot of love and caring. Maybe it’s taken nearly 11 years for the honeymoon to wear off. If so, that’s a LOT to be grateful for. So, I’m going upstairs now and have coffee with her and tell her about my plan. I’m grateful to be able to do that.

Small Goals Are Still Goals

On January 9, 2013 By GratefulGranIn 'bout me, 'round Colorado, change, goals6 Comments

I’ve been reading some different blogs lately, a couple of which are over there on my blogroll. The other day, one of them had a post about getting out of debt, things to do, etc. I was all set to reply with a whiny comment about how little money I make, the difficulty of saving, blah, blah, blah. Then, I couldn’t do it. I thought about everything I’ve written about being positive, MBOs, blessings, all of it. I thought about how, regardless of how little cash I might have had at times in my life, that I always managed to find a way through things, and even though I carry some debt, I am so much better off than most of the people in the world, and quite a few people in this country, the land of plenty. And I thought, the more I justify why I can’t do something, the more it will come true.

So, I decided to focus on goals instead. I used to put a certain amount of money in my savings account when I got paid. With the last job, I quit doing that. Now, I’ve decided I need to do that again. It won’t be as much, but that doesn’t matter. Any amount is good. When I can, I will increase the amount. The main thing is just doing it each pay period and letting it add up. Any amount will add up to more than nothing, right?

The trouble with saving or losing weight or any sort of long-term goal is, as always, fear. Fear that you won’t make the goal, that you can’t save three thousand dollars or lose a hundred pounds. The trick is break that ultimate, seemingly unreachable goal down into small steps you CAN make. If I think of saving, say, a thousand dollars, I get really freaked out. But if I think about putting ten dollars away each week, well, that’s just a couple of lattes that I have to forego. I can do that, easy. One day, one dollar at a time, the goal becomes more real and more reachable. If you can rephrase a goal into language that is simple, it becomes easier.

I’m going to work on these little goals and watch them add up. If I want to clean up my office, I don’t have to take four whole days and clean the entire office at once. I can pick one area, one in box, one shelf or even part of a shelf and get that situated. Looking at that will make me want to do more. Also, I can follow through. I have several piles of papers in my office right now that are destined to be shredded, but I haven’t taken them upstairs to the shredder. I need to follow through. Clean the area, sort out the papers and then, when I go upstairs, TAKE THEM WITH ME. That’s definitely an area I can improve on. Finish what I start. Rest assured, when I leave the office after writing this, I will have a sheaf of papers in my hands! When I worked at the Marriott, my boss taught me never to enter or leave a room without something in my hands. It was good advice in the banquet business and it’s good advice now.

Don’t be afraid of small goals. They’re still goals, and they’re worthwhile. Set them, follow through and then brag about it. In fact, if you’ve set some goals and are achieving them step by step, I’d love to hear about it here, so take a minute and share your success. Good job!

My Own Sea Change

On December 29, 2012 By GratefulGranIn 'bout me, change, clean slate3 Comments

As you can see, I’ve undergone a bit of a sea change here myself. I’ve been feeling the need lately, something of a clean slate. I’m not sure what direction this blog may go in the new year, but I definitely want to take a new road. Hence, for the time being, a cleaner, whiter palette. There may still be photos, or I might start a separate blog or Tumblr, if I can figure out what exactly Tumblr is. 😉 Other changes are in the works, off the blog.

In the meantime, I’m here. Boys are here, and they’re being good. We discovered we can check Wii games out of the library! The extra time off is really nice right now, though I’m working the next few days. I’ve been able to spend some time alone with each of them. GS1 grew another inch since he left and GS2 (2 years younger) is exactly the same height his brother was 2 years ago, I mean within days, so we’re expecting a growth spurt.

In other news, apparently, the daughter’s boyfriend’s car was stolen a couple of days ago. They’re a 1-car family, so no idea what’s going to happen there, as they only had liability coverage. But, they would have HAD to get another one anyway with the baby coming. No way could they put 2 nearly-grown boys and a baby seat in a 2-door Honda Civic. At least, not sanely. So, we will see what happens. Other than the message about the car, haven’t heard anything else. I am remaining uninvested in this situation. Boys walk to school and she gets to work w/o a car now, so.

For me, I’m seeking out the simple, and here is a great place to start. If I don’t get back here before 2013, I wish you all a simple, prosperous, and grateful New Year.

Haiku Monday – 12/31/12 – Sea Change

On December 21, 2012January 2, 2013 By GratefulGranIn 'round Colorado, change, Haiku Monday, poetry7 Comments

Good morning and Happy Solstice! The news today is that Moi at Bite The Apple saw fit to choose me as winner for my haiku about resolution and my Camino challenge. To say I’m flattered does not convey my surprise and joy at being chosen winner of this friendly competition for a third time. Wow!

Now, I get to pick the next theme, and given the comments I’ve decided the deadline will be midnight on New Year’s Eve. It’s obvious that we’re all going to be here–barring the usual risks of living in this crazy world–as 12/21/12 is already over for some folks in the world, and yet, here we are, still turning around the sun.

However. That doesn’t mean that this old world couldn’t do with some vast improvement, not least in human behavior. Linking with Moi’s theme of resolution, which always puts us in mind of a new year, my choice for the last Haiku Monday of 2012 is Sea Change.

A sea change is not just about doing something differently. It’s a complete transformation of heart, thought, even belief. Someone who has experienced a near-death event, be it on the operating table, walking away from a horrible car accident or surviving a natural disaster almost always comes away with a completely different take on their life and life in general. A sea change. We need this kind of change–in our government, our views about other countries and cultures, in our own habits of consumption and consumerism. But any real change must come from within. What sea changes have you undergone in your life? How did they affect you? How are you different? Who are you now? Those are the questions I ask with this haiku challenge.

The usual rules apply: 5-7-5, seasonal reference optional, visuals always welcome but not required. You can post your haikus in the comments section of this post, which I will leave as the top post. Those of you who read the blog but don’t play Haiku Monday can scroll down for other posts.

We’re on the edge of something here, people. We can either fall over the cliff and plummet to certain death or we can open our hearts, jump blissfully, and grow our wings on the way down. I look forward to everyone’s brilliant contributions.

Merry Christmas, Blessed Solstice, and a very happy New Year!