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for henry...

we gathered again

on the 10th of august

for an evening at our happy place-

the beach.

with our people.

dinner and wine (with the most perfect name).

cake.
decorated with love, for the boy we celebrated.
...

wishes and prayers

we wrote
and sent-

happy birthday 

we sang

up to heaven

for our boy

henry patrick waldo jagger

smiles

and kisses

and tears
love and gratitude
...

two. xo

(last year)

august, fully loaded...

just when we get

deep into the delicious ease of july-

that sandy, joyful, barefoot, afternoon-napping bit of summer...

august arrives-

uninvited.

august is...

hard.

and fast... too fast...

heavy rememberances

dreaded goodbyes

twisted and mixed up with

joyful celebrations

 wham! bam!

and it's over-

like a tornado

through your soul

and then...

there your are.

exhausted. 

battered. 

and standing, yes... standing...

but alone

on an empty beach

everyone gone

but so not forgotten...

and every year it just feels harder-

this deep-in-your-bones emptiness

and here we are

home

but so.very. homesick.

for our tribe.

and those summer days

we wait all year for...

all of a sudden, we are here...

sitting on the edge of fall

not ready for the jump-

but before we can even take one last breath

school and meetings and a calendar full of appointments

are pushing us in.

here. back, again...

well...

i guess that's what i went ahead and did-

submerged.

it's been nearly 10 months since i've checked in here

and i'm not sure if there is anyone still out there

but i do hope so

and i thank you. thank you, for coming back

the time away has been good to me

so, so very good to me

and i've found myself craving a return-

there is so much to share

(and a new look, coming soon

which feels so right and so good)

but for now, i'm ready

for the long over-due

dive back in
...

this.

nursing this babe

in a jumble of pillows

our bare skin

golden

in the milky early morning sun

a coolness of fall, nearly begun

and raindrops 

whispering good morning

while lulling us

back to sleep

...

these moments.

of motherhood

motherhood !

they are thick with joy

but they are going. too. fast.

i'm feeling desperate

to pause.

submerge.

and float around in each second.

i've always been

running ahead

always waiting and wanting for the next day, year, milestone...

my mum used to warn me not to "wish my life away"-

at three i was begging for kindergarten and soon after, for so long, all i wanted was to turn 30 (!)

to get married, to own a home, for babies...

but now

here i am-

a baby

our baby

deep asleep on my chest

and

life feels 

just. right.

it feels

like what i've been waiting 

my whole life for...

celebrating henry

throughout this past pregnancy

i kept peaking ahead

to this month-

august

with a scramble of emotions-

love, fear, anxiety, pain, excitement

the birthday of our boy

the due date of our daughter

the anniversary of losing henry

i needed to find a way

to remember our sweet son

and the excitement i felt

on the day he was born-

the day i became a mom

in a way
that wasn't totally 

sad

or 

scary

i needed a celebration.

to find a way to honor 

what a joy he was

in our lives

even

if it was only for just 

11 days

.

something to share 

with our family

who felt the loss of henry

almost as completely as we did

a new tradition

that our future children

would love 

so...

we planned a birthday beach night-

our favorite kind of easy summer celebration

a sand-side picnic

our favorite people

mama-decorated birthday cake

taps at sunset

...

and then

after the sun had gone down

we sent paper lanterns

into the night sky

decorated with our 

wishes + prayers

for henry patrick

on his first birthday

and it was

a celebration

...

with love and thanks

xo

she

emily waldo jagger

arrived thursday

august 8th

at 9:40am

oh, oh...

there is so very much to share

and i will

but i'm completely distracted

by her milky, deep-sleep sighs 

on my chest

it's been almost exactly a month

since i've posted

and it's been a bursting one for sure-

a roller coaster 

of summer goodness

paralyzing anxiety

and love

love. love. love.

with each 

long-awaited 

deep, deep breath 

that i take

weighted only by 6lbs 12oz

of slumbering sweetness

i can feel 

my heart

being stitched 

from the bottom 

up...

welcome

sweet birdie

welcome

xoxo


photos: orchardcove