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Today's traffic: Emasculating
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Sunday, September 29, 2024, 04:39 (UTC)
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  Weird is all the
 THREE MILE ISLAND, PENNSYLVANIA -- We may be closer to witnessing Skynet causing nuclear Armageddon after all.
Moments after a massive firmware update and activation of a new supercomputer for Microsoft Copilot, the dormant Three Mile Island Nuclear power plant, inactive for years since, well, y'know, mysteriously hummed back to life despite no nuclear fuel present in the reactor core, or so we thought. Radiation levels immediately shot up in the nearby Harrisburg metropolitan area. A hasty troubleshooting effort from the State of Pennsylvania and CrowdStrike found "metadata and network activity between the new Copilot datacenter and Three Mile's badly outdated computers," allegedly untouched since the accident in the 80s. CrowdStrike offered some more firmware updates to prevent another mysterious incident such as this, but the state of Pennsylvania refused, calling their anti-virus updates the "biggest virus of them all". "See, I TOLD y'all not to use AI. We're doomed! DOOOOMED!" lamented Billy Waterfall, the main spokesperson for Greenpeace. Waterfall was wearing a tinfoil hat when we interviewed him.  WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA -- Another day, another bizarre crime occured in the state of Florida, but this time, some deranged local lunatic got close enough to take another shot at former US President and Republican candidate Donald Trump.
Naturally, like any other crime committed by "Florida Man", the general public simply batted an eye due to the bizarre being considered the norm in a state called "America's schlong". Even Trump was unimpressed by the would-be assassination attempt. "If you're gonna try and take me out, at least do it properly! Who the hell tries to assassinate someone with a golf club for crying out loud?? More pathetic than the last guy." Trump then recanted his statement and asked for more protection after he was told to take it more seriously by Florida governor Ron DeSantis and other Republicans.
 As recently announced on Twitter (latterly X), the unstoppable combo of Logan Paul, Mr Beast, KSI and pure colombian cocaine came together once again, this time to announce "Lunchly", a front for Jimmy Dollarson's lifelong dream of infecting the blood of children with the radioactive waste leftover from his cobalt mines.
 LONDON, ENGLAND-- Following the death of Queen Elizabeth II 2 years ago, the infamous Spirit Halloween has moved into Buckingham Palace. The store is going to be the "biggest one yet" claims CEO Steven Silverstein. However, security guards reported the animatronics moving at night and trying to open the office door. Here is an interview with said nightguard.
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: You laugh in the face of death, but then you also laugh at Adam Sandler movies. You are just very easily amused.
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