Minimum Age to Have a Baby?

My daughter has been asking all kinds of curious questions lately.

I’m not exactly sure what’s sparked the interest these past few weeks - maybe kids just get extra inquisitive towards the end of the school year. I keep wondering if, while they play around in the sand discuss things like, “What do you think Microsoft is going to do with Skype after the acquisition?” Or “What about those Medicare costs?” or maybe even, “Why doesn’t your Dad like the Beatles or Kevin Costner?”

All easily answerable, but yesterday she threw me through me off a bit:

Daughter: “Daddy, when can I have a baby?”

I stopped for a second, literally put my index finger to my chin, and looked up as if the answer where written somewhere on the ceiling.
My immediate thought was definitely not like most of my cousins on my biological mother’s side of the family – but we see them on occasion and that would be really awkward if she happened to say anything about that conversation.
While waiting she followed up with something more specific:

Daughter: “Like, how old do I have to be?"

Me: “At least 30. And you have to have graduated from college, have a good job, and be married to somebody I say is OK to marry. All in that order. Now let’s go get some ice cream!”

Then while eating Popsicles she asked why Daisy Dukes with bikinis on top melted Popsicles.

I told her it was Mommy’s turn to answer a question.

Weird questions? I’ve Got Answers

Some of the searches that end up here are getting stranger by the day.
Most of them are in the form of questions looking for help or expert advice. I find it odd that they end up here since the closest thing I have to a Ph.D is a DVD or BVD’s.

However, these people are looking for answers so I’m going to respond to them. Why? Because that’s just how I roll.

The Questions:
what is lionel richie doing this year for thanksgiving? – Let me ask. Spending it at Dollywood.
ideas for writing birthday invitations for a party at chuck e cheese – Start with “I’m so sorry but, this wasn’t my idea…”
why does my dad stay up late – To play Words with Friends on the iPhone. But not with Sci Fi Dad (because he cheats....!!)
why do we have butt cracks – Because they’re funny
do midgets have small poop – Let me check. Yes.
where can i get a monkey to perform at my daughters birthday party? -- In Thailand or Lancaster.
i drank my wife's breast milk yesterday – Hopefully because you ran out of regular milk and not because you like it and are just really weird.
my son doesn't have a date for prom? Put an ad on Craigslist
creative way to tell husband that you are expecting -- Don’t start it by saying “remember that business trip …”
when does a baby mullet grow? – At 5 months, start playing Michael Bolton songs. At 6 months start showing Macgyver reruns or visit Georgia.
wierdest thing about lionel ritchie -- If his mustache is ever removed, he loses all magical powers.
what is it called if you have an obsession with poop – Poopalicious.
my five year old who refuses to go to the potty! -- Take him/her back to the store for a refund.
i called poison control 4 times in one week what's going to happen to me – Protective services should be arriving at your door any minute.
why do little kids pick their noses – The same reason why old people do, because they're bored and have nothing to play with.

Questions? I’ve Got Answers

I get lots of searches in the form of questions primarily by parents looking for expert answers. Which is odd since the only thing I’m really an expert on is fried chicken.
Nonetheless these people are looking for answers, so like the model citizen that I am, I’m going to answer them.

All while eating fried chicken.

The Questions:

How to get toddler to sit and eat at the table? Duct tape usually does the trick. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

How can i make my chicken taste like kentucky fried chicken? Wear a white suit, put the chicken in a bucket, and yell in a southern accent "this here chick'n is finger lick'n good!"

What can i teach to my 1year old baby? Not to eat things off the floor and give them crayons to scribble with. I did that with my daughter, she now scribbles on the floor and thankfully doesn’t eat anything off of it.

What do you when your 4yr old swears? Duct tape usually does the trick. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

How to make santa claus fart? Buy him a gift card to Popeyes chicken.

What are mullet hair styles for boys? "The Richard Marx", "The McGyver", "The Billy Ray", "The Don Johnson."

How to remove booger on the wall? Use a water hose, lemon slices, or battery acid.

Does picking your nose cause more boogers to grow? Yes.

Can you get into chuck e cheese without a kid? Yes. Unless you have a mustache and/or chest hair.

What can an 18 month old draw? Scribbles and lines. But if you pass it off as your own and get a good agent, you could make millions in the lowbrow art movement.

My child picked his butt and has the poop on his finger now? Wrap yourself in a plastic tarp, wrestle the child onto the floor, but be careful of the offending finger. Tie him up and drop him off in Nebraska. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

Is The Cure concert appropriate for kids? Only if they’re wearing makeup.

Is wicked the musical ok for children? If I had to guess an age, I would say around 9. Or maybe a mature 7 year old (or adult) that can sit still for a few hours and resist laughing at the ridiculous ending.

What type of animals can be trained? Dogs and Unicorns.

My 5 year old has an interview in private school what should i do? Rob a bank just in case he/she gets in.

Is it ok to spank your maid? In California, yes. Children, no.

Teenager's in the 1980's what did they do for fun? “We” woke up at the crack of dawn, milked the cows, and tilled the fields. Then played gin rummy after supper by candlelight while drinking Sarsaparilla and listening to Depeche Mode.

Why is it so loud at chuckie e cheeses? Because Satan himself created that horrible place to torture good people.

We had a bat in our house and now my child has a fever! He's going to turn into a vampire -- so do this quickly: Run into the garage and get a piece of sharp wood, chant in latin over tap water, and run into a nearby dark Forrest.
But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use positive healing methods such as hugs and candy.

The Questions 2-Year Olds Ask And How NOT To Answer

My daughter has been very inquisitive these days - she's always asking me questions such as “What are you doing Dad-DEE?”, “What’s that Dad-DEE?” It’s almost like having my own Cousin Balki. A few of my recent favorites:

Daughter: (pointing to the evening sky) What’s that, Dad-DEE?
Me: That’s a star. And it’s not in rehab
Daughter: A TAR!?! (excited)

Daughter: (pointing to a person) What’s that, Dad-DEE?
Me: That’s a man wearing a dress, you can tell because he has an Adams apple and mustache.
Daughter: A MUSTACHE!? (excited)

Daughter: (pointing to Christmas decorations at the mall - in October!!) What’s that, Dad-DEE?
Me: That’s Santa Claus. He brings presents on Christmas for everybody that goes pee-pee and poopy on the potty
Daughter: PRESS-ANTS!? (excited)

Daughter: What are you doing Dad-DEE? (playing this new Pirates game on the computer)
Me: If mommy asks, I’m paying bills
Daughter: BILLS!? (excited)

Daughter: What are you doing Dad-DEE? (honking the horn at some car that almost hit me)
Me: I’m honking the horn at that lady because she’s on crack!
Daughter: CRACK?

If she starts telling people they’re on crack the wife is going to shoot me…(again)