My New Year wish to myself...

Happy New Year again.....here we go in 2020! 

Different day in different year. As time goes by nothing much I could remember. Year 2019 really not meant for me in every aspect, everything is too challenging but life have to go on. I have no tears to cry over everything, no complains nor unhappy mumbling. Spending soo much time on my illness makes me tired day and night, only if I could write just to describe more how it feels. It's gonna be a long never ending essay!

All if can I say, the pain is back but in different way. I knew, something is not right. The pain should be gone after the surgery but it seems like only for few months. Last June, I have completed 1Y6M recovery period after the surgery. Nothing seems better, late night pain came on and off. I can feel my shoulder doesn't like before, too weak. I was unable to sleep well every night, the nagging pain really disturbing my night sleep. Im too weak to stick on one position while on my bed, every movement cause pain on my upper shoulder all night long....

I was scared to see the doctor again after the recovery period, Im not strong enough for the outcomes. The pain won't remain if everything is getting better, I won't be suffered every night holding my shoulder. Wrapping my body with blanket and forcing my eyes to sleep...thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn't have stumbled across my strength. Nothing seems soo easy but yet too difficult. All I wanted everyday a good start for everything, I keep myself away from all people that doesn't deserves to be around me. I realised I was unable to tolerate with negativity around me, its okay to have less friend than usual as long as I can keep my mind in peace without unnecessary headache. People come and go, but nothing will remain forever unless they're really meaningful for me. 

I will comeback tomorrow, the pain starting nagging me again. Love.       

Be good...

I have tweeted this earlier...but I still want to make a copy here due to the limitation on twitter.

I learned something here, something really meaningful.

On my way back home in the train, theres one indian baby around 1/2yrs old nonstop crying which I don't know why. All passengers staring at each other, they might be disturbing. The train was full with people, no space to move around. Not even a small room for a small body to squeeze positions. Everybody seemed to be really disturbed by the crying baby, the father holding her and trying to make her calm. She must feel uncomfy surrounded with a bunch of people around her. Nobody bothers to come closer to help including myself, I feel bad actually but the fact was I'm not handling kids. I rather surrendering! 

Near the door theres one old malay makcik standing with her old luggage, she moves slowly until she gets closer to the baby. A bunch of people in the train keep eyes on her as if she's trying to create a drama kind of things. Some just give one kind of look while she's trying to move her positions. Once she gets closer to the baby, she slowly put her hand into her handbag and took a bread out then give to the baby straightaway. I can see clearly how everyone look at her, even the father of the baby lost his words by looking at her behaviour. 

Amazingly, just one touched the baby stopped crying and smile, she took the bread and kissed the makcik. I noticed some starts wiping tears seeing what just happened and how struggled the parents trying to stop the baby from crying since the train starts moving.Suddenly everybody smiles and back to positions, some chinese and malays starts play with the baby. The baby was so calm and happily playing with her bread. I couldn't hear what was the conversation between the makcik and the father but all I can say they looked happy. 

To those who still thinking that people are hating each other due to colors, you're fucking wrong! There's still people out there with good heart even they look like a homeless. We are all the same and and nothing could deny it. Please stop hating people just because they're different than yourselves. No matter your social status or how powerful you feel you are, we're all equal. No one is born hating another person because of his/her skin color, background or religious. People learn to hate and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love for comes naturally to human heart than its opposite. God has made us like this, no one has the ability to choose what color they wanted to be. Racism is nonsense! You're good because the way you are, not because the way you looked. 

Aside I've received a comment on my tweet from our Queen DYMM Permaisuri Agong....what a heartwarming experience and yes it's really make my day and again my tweet get a bunch of hit for almost 4days nonstop! hahahaah am a happy girl :D

It’s mom’s birthday

It’s mom's birthday today, I’m sending her a text wishing her birthday and pray for her. I won’t be able to be with her on her birthday, but I’m glad the rest of my siblings are arranging something for her tonight. Deep inside I just want to see her smile like before and enjoying her life while she can.

She’s getting older day by day, I don’t know how long time left that we have to be with her. Thinking about her always makes me feel to cry, there will never enough words to convey how deeply and grateful I am that have a mom like her. She’s such an overachiever, the only person that don’t just go through the motions of parenthood. She’d go above  and way beyond, thank you for always loving, supporting and caring for us even when it cost you to so. 

I knew I wasn't a good daughter to her, but I just hope I could have the same strength as her, the ability to find joy and happiness in even the smallest things. May every sadness in her heart be turned to happiness and may everything that has taken away from her be restored by Allah and may you be blessed always mom. I love you so much.