Now THAT'S funny!

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529K views · 102K reactions | Which of these did you get? #math #maths #teacher #numbers #standup #mathjokes #nerd | Sammy Obeid | sammyobeid · Original audio

Anjelah Johnson-Reyes Realizes She's Getting Older | Say I Won't | Anjelah shops at age-appropriate stores and loves it. 🎥: Anjelah Johnson-Reyes, "Say I Won't" #anjelahjohnson #sayiwont #standup #comedy #jokes | By 800 Pound Gorilla Media | I've been doing standup comedy since I was 24 years old. I am now 40. Aw, thank you for cheering for that part. I'm getting older. I'll be honest, having a hard time with it. I thought I was gonna be the girl that no matter what age I was, I was just gonna embrace it, like, "That's me. Yes, queen, yes." Turns out that's something you say in your 20s. Then you get to your 40s and you're like, "Ooh, no queen. What happened? Oh no. That's too much eyelid." It's scary getting older. It's scary for women getting older because men, if you get gray hair, that's sexy. That's salt and pepper, eh. Women, we get gray hair and it's like, "Oh." "What happened?" That's not fair. I gotta start changing some things about my life. I can't keep shopping at the same stores I used to shop at like Forever 21. No, you're not. Turns out that was a lie. I cannot be in line behind some 21-year-old buying the same dress as her. She's out here living her best life. I'm trying to remember to take my vitamins. We like the same dress for different reasons. She's like, "Ooh, has pockets for my ID." I'm like, "Ooh, pockets for my Tums." You gotta put that down. Go to Ann Taylor Loft where we belong. Go to White House Black Market. Do a loop-de-loop at Talbots. Pass by J. Jill. Peek your head in at Chicos. And then go home 'cause your feet hurt. I'm approaching the age where I'm gonna start getting my clothes at the same place I get my groceries. Say I won't. You will catch me at Costco. Yes. About to get them Kirkland Jeans, them Kirkland socks, that Kirkland body wash. Hey, this Kirkland Gang Gang, what? It's about to be my new Tuesday. I'm gonna start out front, gimme a hotdog and a soda for a dollar 50. Then I'll flash my VIP card and bozy on in. I start with a lap of samples. Then I take my hair outta my ponytail. Make a lap in the other direction. Round two. Hey, but if you come in for a second sample at Costco, be warned. These sample ladies get offended. They act a type of way, if you come in for a second sample, like they have been baking from scratch all day long. Like really, Beth? Just gimme another chicken tender. Why you gotta do this? It's embarrassing enough just asking for a sample. It's embarrassing, right? Because you have to pretend like you've never heard of this product before. You said it's a tender? And you dip it. Sure, I'll try one. I be coming up with lies just to get a second sample. I do, I'll be like, "I'm sorry, can I get another one for my husband is really hungry." Where is he, oh he's at home. I forget that I'm a little bit famous and sometimes people recognize me because one time I came in for a second sample and the sample lady was like, "I've seen you." I was like, "On TV?" She goes, "No, this is your third time." Mind your business, Beth. It's hard getting older. There's too many acronyms to keep up with now. Like my friend text me the other day, she was like, TLDR. I was like, what's that? She said, "Too long, didn't read." I was like, "Oh, well, too short, didn't understand." I know BRB and LOL, that's it. And I have come to realize that I am far too generous with my LOLs. LOL has become a common courtesy. It's just a thing you say. Like another common courtesy. If somebody's next to you and they sneeze, what do you say? - [All] Bless you. - But are you really blessing them from God? No, it's just a thing you say. When your friend texts you and they're trying to be funny. What do you say? - [All] LOL. - Did you really laugh out loud? No, you didn't. At this point LOL just means I have received your text. If I reply to your text with LOL, at most, a little bit of air came out my nostril. If I replied to your text with LOL, this is how I read your text. Like it was funny, but I don't know how to type back. If I reply to your text with ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, that's funny. If I reply to your text with bwa-ha-ha-ha, like B-W-H-A-H-A, that means that was so funny I had to spit something out my mouth. If I reply to your text with rows of ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I start using other letters like hhak-ha-ha-ha-q- r-s-t-ha-ha, That means that I said something funny and I'm really proud of myself. It's hard getting older, but no matter how old I get, I will always be younger than my sister, okay? I'm my sister's little sister. Any other little sisters here tonight? Little sisters. Dare I say the little sister is the best sister? Probably because the older sister is exhausted from having to raise the rest of us, right? Because when mom was at work, she had to cook, she had to clean, she gave herself spanking privileges. My sister was stressed out by the time she was 13. We'd catch her on the side of the house smoking those candy cigarettes. There was a dark period of time where she was going through about six packs a day. Probably 'cause those things only had one puff of smoke in each cigarette. Those were some wild times, man. We'd be at the ice cream truck ordering fake cigarettes, fake chewing tobacco. I was nine years old doing lines of lemon salt on my hand. Wild. I am my sister's little sister. We grew up best friends, we're still best friends. I talk to my sister like five times a day, which is great for me. Not so much for her 'cause she has a real job. And I call her when she's at work, so she answers the phone in her work voice. Hello? I go, "Hi, what's up?" Oh, nothing, what are you doing? I'm working. Dang, you work every day? All right then. Anyway, I was watching this show last night. It was real good. But then I fell asleep and I had the craziest dream. I was hiking up this mountain and there were these little birds in my shoe that kept chirping at me. Then I get to the top of the mountain and grandma's house is there, but not grandma from San Jose, grandma from Reno. And I was like, "Dang, that's crazy." Anyway, what are you doing? Still working. Oh, okay, call me later. Bye. Then I hang up. Only she doesn't call me later, so I have to call her later. But she's at work, I don't wanna be a pest. So I give it like at least an hour and I call her back. Now she answers the phone, no more work voice. Now she has deadlines, she has things to do. Now she answers the phone, "What's up?" Oh, real quick. Do you remember when dad used to take us camping? Yeah. And remember how we always used to have those Dorito sandwiches with pickles in the middle? Yeah. Those are good, huh? And you'd think she'd be pissed 'cause I'm wasting her time. But now we're talking about food and food is our jam. So she participates. Those were so good, I haven't thought about those in forever. I know, do you ever think about Chef Boyardee raviolis? Yeah. Do you ever think about fish sticks? Yeah. Okay, I'll call you later, bye. If I ever call my sister and she doesn't answer the phone, I automatically assume it was a mistake. She left her phone in the bathroom, I should definitely call her right back. And if she still doesn't answer the phone, then I wait for the text message from her that says on a conference call, what's up? If I don't get the on a conference call, what's up text that I know for a fact she's probably being attacked and I should definitely call her until she answers the phone. But she loves it though. You know what I mean? Especially when she's real busy at work. I'm like a breath of fresh air. Sometimes I call my sister and we don't say anything at all. We're just on the phone and my husband doesn't get it. He's like, "What are you doing? Hang up the phone." I'm talking to my sister. But neither one of you're saying anything. Yeah, because we're thinking about what we're gonna say next.

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