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So I have spent the majority of the weekend asleep. It has been bliss and an escapism from pain.

Ben has been here so able ot Mima wrangle in order ot allow me the privilege and luxury of sleep, burt whilst asleep I am mindful that in a weeks time (sept 4th) Mima starts actual school, n that is a mix of omg wow n sheer terror.

Praying the education system doesnt remove the feisty, headstrong, stuborn, opinionated lil human she is and has become over the past 4 n half years, so many fears so many hopes, so many aspirations n dreams.

She is ready for school, me however .....

Current Mood: thoughtful

This was initaly something I wrote in response to the talking behind my back in the pre school playground so figured Id share it here too

Dear parent stood in the school playground,

When you see me waiting for my daughter, I am curious to what you see? Do you see the parent who is stood holding a cane to guide their vision, a parent who has lost most of their sight over the past decade, the parent who holds a degree and craves to get back to the Masters level education they were receiving prior to falling pregnant? Do you see a parent who like you has a young small person in school, receiving a education in which they are constantly reminded they can and they will succeed? To ask questions when unsure to gain a better comprehension of the world around?

Do you see obstacles in my journey? which you add to by not assisting when out n about, by talking about “that white stick, why does she have it?” questioning all but me?! Does the fact my sight is impaired actually cause you to challenge your own perception of disability in a way that you never actually gave much thought previously?

When our children are attending a friends party and I ask you where my daughter is, it is not simply a case of if I wore glasses I would be able to see her, or if my phone was in my bag shed have my attention. Or you pointing and informing me “she is over there”. Wearing glasses wont actually “fix” my vision, if they would has it not occured to you I would have begun to wear them long ago? and as for my phone I actually use it to magnify to aid me so that I have a vague idea of what my daughter is upto, but when I ask you it is because I have assumed you might be in a place where your vision is better than mine and you can use words to describe my daughters actions to me and in turn enable me to see all which she and her peers are doing. Words used by others can and do become my eyes, describe all to me even what may to you be mundane as it is the detail which I adore and lust after which enables me to see and appriciate the detail of every day occurrences which you take for granted. Please don’t simply point as I can not see where you are pointing and as such you are not actually answering my question, but instead you will cause me to ask more from you.

My daughter is incredible, at four years young she is able to confidently describe her world, guide me when we walk so “mummy careful their is a bin in your way” so I dont walk into it, she has the confidence to explain to people “her eyes are a little broken but she is still MY mummy and I love her because she is MY mummy” she is a cheeky girl with a incredible fearless passion for life, she has a enchanting sense of humour which attracts friendships around her, I am proud of her every moment of every day just because she is herself. Yet at the same time she does more than some other children of her age, she knows already how to cook simple things, to place food on a oven tray to pass to me to cook her dinner, how to make a simple sandwhich, what to do to run a bath, where things needed for day to day tasks are, as before we leave the house “have you got your cane, do you need different sunglasses to protect you as the sun is strong”. She knows how to with confidence and assertion answer basic questions about why her mummy is disabled and to answer them in a way which as a adult you are heard to say is “challenging”. But perhaps instead of finding it challenging, have the guts to come to me, talk to me, find out more about me and how my world is, and be a friend not only to my daughter but me as well, and then dear parent in the school playground you will realise I might be blind but their is far more to me than that.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: The State I Am In - Belle and Sebastian

For those who have been asking me for the jaffacake brownie recipe here it is:

Chocolate Brownies

4 eggs

250 g light brown sugar + 250g caster sugar

325g unsalted butter/ marg

125g cocoa powder

1 teaspoon vanilla essence

250g plain flour, sifted

2 packs of jaffacakes

zest of 3 fresh oranges

juice of one of the oranges

4 table spoons orange marmalade

Oven 150

1. Beat eggs & sugar until pale

2. Melt butter in pan, gentle heat

3.  Take of heat - stir in cocoa

4. Stir into egg/sugar mixture

5. Fold in flour

6. Add vanilla

7. Add orange zest

8. In a lined tray add the jaffacakes

9. Pour mix on top

10. Bake approx 20-30 mins (depending on your tin size & oven)

11.  Whilst warm prick a fork over the top of the brownies

12.  Combine the orange juice and marmalade, heating until combined well, then leave a few moments to cool before drizzling liberally over the top of the brownies

13.  Leave to fully cool before slicing (it is easier if it has been in the fridge)

nb.  The only difference between these and the honeycomb is I smashed up and crumbled 4 crunchie bars into the mix of the brownies n omitted the orange bits then before putting in the oven added another 2 smashed n crumbled crunchies to the top for the honey comb ones,

and again only difference for the rocky road was I added crumbled digestive biscuits, vegetarian marsh mellows and chocolate chips for the rocky road.

Current Mood: creative
Current Music: The Day We Caught The Train - Ocean Colour Scene

So, another year has passed and another BiCon has happened.

This year BiCon was just under 3 miles from my front door, I didn't realise how handy this would be at the time that it was announced but ...

Thursday was spent having a lovely curry at Akbars with a couple of people and other than that all I did was catch up with a few friends whom I haven/t seen in a fair while (probably last years BiCon)

My plan was to stay on site, which was rather awesome that they had a Bi flag flying over one of the buildings. Plan was to stay on site to save spoons for sessions and to generally be around people, I didn't envisage how problematic this would be until I attempted to sleep, I say attempt cos I spent over a hour moving about on a mattress which at best could be described as trying to get comfortable on a upturned plug or fork, and at worse felt like non consenting nails and hooks were penetrating every part of my being, so at 130am I made the decision to get a cab home, this was not a decision I made lightly, but after much thought I concluded that it was actually ok to get a cab home and sleep here as sleeping or trying to on a mattress not fit for humans would deplete my spoons and thus make me unwell n generally cranky to be around.

Friday I made my way over to site about 10am as I had underestimated just how tired I actually was, I made it at some point to the Sex and Disability session which I have been at the last couple of years and it was wonderful to chat about issues with so many people to try come up with solutions or at least listen and share our experiences.

I spent the rest of my friday chatting to people and being sociable, I have no memory as to what if anything I ate friday evening as brain fog is starting to kick in rather badly.

Friday night I again opted to sleep at home, and had a rather lovely lay in which as a parent (although Mima was staying at my parents for the duration of BiCon it was wonderful being able to relax n sleep in)

Oh yeah Friday along with a BiConer and my partner we got a curry take out.

Saturday I made it over to the site earlier than Friday, as I was facilitating the Survivors Safe Space session, despite having the room changed on us at what appeared to be the last moment their was about half a dozen of us and we had a powerful session of sharing but also supporting one another and it was beautiful to hold that space with some incredible strong people, n the message I got on my Facebook Inbox this morning made me realise how valuable the session was and that it is much needed each year to have that space offered.

Saturday afternoon I co facilitated a session on Bi+ Parenting which went rather well, incredibly uplifting to hear so many people once again support one and other and also managed to get a plug in for Pride and Joy which still has me incredible humbled that I was able to submit and have published material for.

Saturday evening was spent eating Italian food with some lovelies at Girgios and drinking a lil too much red wine due to my little sister of choice deciding she was going to fund two bottles of a rather yummy red between the pair of us.

Sunday morning I woke without a headache but Fibro pain all over so decided that I lacked the spoons to head back to site to say my goodbyes and opted for more much needed sleep.

BiCon as always you have been incredible, full of emotion, gentle safe warming hugs and friendships rekindled and new ones lit.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Purple Rain - Prince

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