arknes | Recent Entries

WELCOME.

This is an account oriented towards posting the not-so-nice shit, the nice shit, and everything else in between. This is a Choose Not to Warn experience. Proceed with caution.

( about me )

Oh how time passes. I guess I've matured in the ways that matter and the ways that don't. I'm calmer about things, more mature; spending time away, moving to a different store, considering different career options and actually pursuing these options. That's the good thing; hell, I'm even working on passion projects again.

But reading my old journals has me upset - did it take me so long to be this mature? To disregard everything and abandon ego? I guess I'm being unspecific, but it seriously bothers me that I did the same thing for two years or more, the same obsessional thing I've always done and now I'm changed. But change is good - I'm genuinely at peace with myself, with how I'm going, if things change, and happy in the present.

But seriously, I need to do more. That's the one thing I need to do. More. Less work, more... living. I'm moving to the inner city, and I'm honestly excited. I keep on saying "this move" over and over

but it IS this move. i'm not in bumfuck suburbia with no bus.

i can get around, i can go LIVE

and i can do it independently or with the person i love. that shit counts

anyway, update gimme replies

peace feels good. not to jinx it though, i hope to keep my life this good. 2026 is gonna be my fucking year fr

If you didn't know that I think I have issues, you're in for a big surprise. Because no matter what I tell myself, how much my body needs water, I'm not going to listen to impulse. I'm stupid that way. I want to stay up like I used to -- I work. 9 hours. I have an exam. I wake up in 5 hours. I might as well drink fifteen redbulls and cram while I can, right? Cramming works. It's better than not studying, haha. Braum's is getting Red Bull.

It gives you wings...

I'm thirsty; I crave water. My cats are cute. School is okay. I have a 75 in bio; the rest are A's. Smooth sailing. I really have to stop diddle-dallying with bullshit and actually commit to the bit. And honestly, I kinda want to write fanfiction now, so there's that.

Back to Ayatsuri Sakon--I'm BACKKKKKKK. Reading AI generated fanfiction and generally having a good time. Fuck being orderly, chaotic shit ftw fr. my jaw hurts because i have to resist the urge to jut it out.

life? boo.

does anyone remember F.U.C.K? the thing called fucked up college kids by attrition.org - whatever, whatever. maybe ill call myself diet coke. im writing this at work just to ponder some shit. is anything i do gonna be worthwhile? will i end up filling perscriptions for pillheads and addicts? can i spell correctly? 3 minutes left. womp womp.

sigh fr. my boss' boss' boss brought a wagon, a literal fucking wagon, of paperwork. thats cray. im tired. i gotta time manage better. apparently my absorption of information is severely lacking. i actually have to study?! what?! well, this time, i will. i'm gonna catch up, yo yo.

...don't think, just do.

me when i lose touch with reality for the final time before sending myself off a fucking cliff

yo hahahahaha

but really though. my whole goal this year was to, in a sense, slow time down and start enjoying myself more. whether its through the big or small things, i truly have to savor this life for all it's worth. i only have one. i know i'm busy and going between a 16 credit load and 45 hours of work but,, i think i can work on genuinely just,,, chilling. like... be happy. savor every moment. have fun with everything. explore.

i'm getting back into south park. yes, i'm a style shipper... and the point is??? they're so cute fr. i want to draw some fanart when im done w my schoolwork lowkey>>

my goals are not only just doing decently in school, well, w e l l in school, but writing fanfic and doing fan art. i've just got to have touch with life and just take it slow. everyone else feels like a million things are happening, and well, i'm just the same as ever. i will not be the same as i was.

Well, honestly, life is going.

In the moments that I'm not consistently busy and blinding my self with monotonous work, I feel a deep, disturbing revelation: what am I doing with my time? And am I enjoying it? It's already January 27th, one month into the new Year, and it feels like instead of enjoying my time for what it is and savoring every moment, I'm stressing. I'm in my 20's, I ought to enjoy myself. As of lately though, it's been bills and bills, money money money. I have to pay about 900 out of my check when I get it, but I'll have 400 left over to do with what I please. I think, well, that's relaxing. Or maybe 200 when I consider groceries.

I have savings I want to pull from in order to buy myself the nice things I've been wanting. My boyfriend promises to pay me back, and I know he will, but I just wish I had the 3000 or so I've given him in my pocket. It's stressing me out... if I had that money, I wouldn't need to worry about much financially. I worked my butt off for it.

But enough with the stress. Life goes on. I want to start treasuring every moment as if it was my last, from the buttering of my toast to the avocado on top. Cherry tomatoes and jam, and other things. I think investing in the simpler things in life, enjoying the small and lazy moments in the morning, sleeping in less and waking earlier, following that impulse to rise at 8am, will get me places. Not just places, closer to fulfillment. I need to remind myself: it's okay.

Life is okay. I'm not behind; I'm right on time. Listen to more music. Read more fanfiction. Grind more work. Enjoy things to the fullest and more. Every moment is one to savor. Hold onto.

There's a slight anxiety in my stomach. I really ought to chill. Today, I've made a really shitty breakfast of microwaved dumplings and.. yeah, that's it. My boyfriend is cutting me apple slices, though - it's sweet. He's been doing that for me, and it makes eating fruit a little easier since I'm not a fruit person. He's been making us smoothies, too. They're yummy - yummy. I'm nervous for my first real semester in college, since I decided to go full idiot mode and take 16 credit hours while working 45 hours a week. If I'll have to, though, despite my progress, I'll find a new job.

But I'm happy where I am. I want to get a new wardrobe, and some of my new work shirts arrived today. I'm excited to see everything I ordered, since honestly, I forgot. I get paid in two days, and I want to pay ahead on my bills, then... start paying on my student courses. Expensive, yes, but not terrible. To balance it, I'll have to fill out scholarships!

My next off day, or perhaps tonight, I'm actually sitting down and writing for scholarships. It's hard finding them though. It's all fucking different state scholarships! AAAAAAAAAAAAA.

But I'll find a couple today and we'll go from there. I'm looking into a more soft, almost coquette style.. but not quite. Sophisticated but not childish, but flowery. Or maybe, I'll get things I gravitate towards. Boyfriend wants to take me on a shopping spree soon, and I'm very excited. In the mean time, I can actually formulate some design. I head to work in 30... sigh. I should do some yoga. But just because I'm working doesn't mean I can't fit in other things and enjoy my time, even at work. I can think of fandom, and good things. I ought to make some fandom friends!

...now where do I look?

The snow is going away, and with it comes that little bit of melancholy watching the seasons change. The weather, ephemeral, as any things go. Where I live, it rarely snows; it's a once a year, twice a year thing, but when it does it's absolutely beautiful and takes my breathe away.

As far as positive goes, I've been trying to spin everything into a positive. Despite waking up late, I did more in my day than I usually do: laundry, dishes, yoga, and writing for scholarships. With 16 credits, I hope I can balance well and make things easy on myself - and I hope to be happy.

Me and my boyfriend played in the snow. We slung snowballs, took a walk through our little dogpark at our apartment and went to check the mail and every moment of it felt beautiful. I felt happy spending time with him, and 10 days into the year, everything isn't so bad. GTG!

I'm tired of watching self-help videos and expecting them to help; half of the people I'm watching seem like crackheads or like vanilla robots themselves. Unfortunately, to the detriment of whoever wanders upon my lunatic ramblings or sad girl shit, I have been persuaded back to Dreamwidth by a IRL friend - whom I have a complicated relationship with - to journal. Life has changed since the last time I journaled, I fell out with people, I left that one guy, left another guy, got a year long relationship and two cats and got properly enrolled in college. That's not much change for two years.

And honestly, the subject bothers me. Change. The world is turning and changing around me, and now my little cousins are growing into adults and I turn 21 this year, and my shit still isn't together. I'm wondering if as a twenty-something, you keep that feeling until you get kids and a family. Well, it'll be a long wait on that. On a positive note, the changes I've undergone is finding a career I can be legitimately serious about: forensic pathology. A tiny, tiny dream from when I was little - I wanted it since I was ten. Now, years later, I find myself gravitating towards what I could've pursued all along.

I'm not going to lie, I never achieved my past New Years resolutions. I doubt I'll be able to reverse time and do so, but what I can do is just... go forward. Life sucks, boo hoo, move on and get up and pursue everything you want to. Every day is limited, and sleeping in instead of getting up and pounding the pavement will never work. I want to feel happy and fulfilled. So, I'll get there in a couple of phases.

Start college, workout with momma weekly, pursue a side hobby like journaling or writing, try to learn a language, and get a fucking wardrobe change. I feel a sense of dread writing this, because what if sending it off into the universe or somebody seeing this means it won't be able to happen? But at the end of the day, it's my responsibility and this is my battle plan. I can't go about life wandering aimlessly like the rest of the retards I work with. I just have to go forward and.. go forward.

I'm going to be the person I want to be.

...and now on a way less serious note, I've gotta find some music! Ashes by Bones, great, Why Do Shorties Write Rhymes by Konokoku, also great. But other than that? I need more. I liked Denial Is A River by Doechii, but I've got to find like.. a music recommender. I want to learn Spanish! I've actually got farther, since I actually speak it a little. Cool.

Next journal, I'll post a little update on my wardrobe change.

Dear Self,

( Woes, warning for subject matter )

Title: Gentle Handling
Day/Prompt: if we could meet for just a night/12-15-22
Fandom: Gears of War
Character/Pairing: Baird/Marcus
Rating/Warning(s): Explicit content.
Word Count: 425
Summary: Marcus isn't a bitch. Baird ain't gonna treat him like one.
( Gentle Handling )

Title: Reverse
Day/Prompt: the further I travel, the more I long for the place from whence I have come/12-15-22
Fandom: Top Gun: Maverick
Character/Pairing: Rooster/Hangman
Rating/Warning(s): Mentions of suicide, but not serious.
Word Count: 271
Summary: Hangman and Rooster, curses and alternate realities.
( Reverse )

Title: Cemetery Fever
Day/Prompt: Time To Risk Your Life/11-24-22
Fandom: All The Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006)
Character/Pairing: Garth/His Unnamed Wife, Garth/Mandy
Rating/Warning(s): Mature just in case. Underage character.
Word Count: 279
Summary: Garth visits his wife. He ends up discussing Mandy Lane.
( Cemetery Fever )

Title: Protection
Date/Prompt: "Pure entertainment"/09-25-22
Fandom: Saw
Character: Peter Strahm/Lindsey Perez
Ratings/Warning: 191wc.
( He could be dangerous. )

Title: Iron
Fandom: Euphoria (2019)
Characters: Fezco/Lexi
( Iron )

Jesus H. Christ,

Youth is fleeting, time is nothing, everything is happening, and I'm more like Rory Gilmore than I thought I was. (Hint, your second official boyfriend is the worst.) Isn't that a strange thing? I swear, I'll have to get a personal journal on here, instead of this, because I reallllly shouldn't be posting my personal life where I post my racy, saucyyyy fics. But since nobody sees my posts anyway, what does it matter? I'm yelling into the abyss, throwing rocks into the empty cave.

I fell into a bad, bad relationship that gave me a taste of toxicity that my first relationship didn't and my other situationships hadn't. I've read up about grants and how there's ones for everything, so I'm looking into applying for grants. And applying for scholarships.

I've been exploring spirituality and self-help because apparently they are one in the same now, and really, meditation is nice, laying in the grass is fun, and chilling out is cool. I feel a bit down on myself because I'm both jobless and school-less, but I'm applying for jobs and I'll (hopefully) be in school next semester. Being a young fast food manager at a taco place and a burger place wasn't for me, so maybe warehouse work works. Maybe.

I've found kinship in Lorelai and Rory Gilmore, which honestly sucks because I find them both unbearable, but relatable. Ish. I have mixed feelings. I read a Dean/Jess fic, and now I'm hooked on Dino Jr's You're Living All Over Me (1987). I confided in my older brother about not really knowing what to do with my life, and he said to fuck around in every career I want, every job I want. He's a bit older, and considering he still doesn't know what he wants, I'll take the advice. Honestly, would it be weird if I said my aspiration is to be the Real-Life Barbie? Not the whole tall valley-girl schtick but the do every job possible schtick. I think it would be nice.

I've been into pop-culture, kinda. I'm slowly catching up on everything I should be, and no lie, it's fun. I watched Euphoria, I'm watching Better Call Saul, same with Breaking Bad, and I'm gonna read some manga. There's a challenge for reading every book referenced in GG, and I'm totally doing it. Do I have a bunch of goals? Yes.

I had to quit my internet moderator position, but I'll be back soon. Soon. Hopefully, they take me back.

My goals:

Progress in Spanish (no.)
Progress in Japanese (yes, plenty!)
Complete 3 courses through Coursera (I'm on one. Two more to go?)
250K written by the end of the year (Absolutely not. I'm trying though.)

I did get the headphones ordered and did a skincare haul. I'm going to look into investing and whatnot. I don't know, really. If you have any advice for a young person, you can throw it my way. I seriously don't mind. My skin is clear, mega clear, but I want to invest in a corset and exercising for my body. It's not too bad though. I'm just under a 100 at five feet, but I've got that South Asian gut. Cutting carbs, ASAP. I've been investing into my looks, so I'm going to get my brows waxed and darkened the coming Monday, and I bought two full small laser hair removal treatments. Korean skincare is cheap, so I just get my stuff shipped. I can wear a facemask every goddamn night, now.

Anyway, I've done some manifesting, gotten into astrology too.

Since my last goal post, I've definitely made leeway on some of them. I'm completing a Coursera course, I'm learning Japanese still, but severely lacking in the Spanish department. I'm thinking of maybe starting FreeCodeCamp again, and I'd honestly like to start coding games again. I miss it dearly. (I will.)

None of my wants have been done yet, but they'll be done soon.

I miss my friend from Aussie. Tyson, you're cool, and maybe five years of knowing me means you'll text back, you absolute cunt.

Life's a bitch. C, if you ever find this, I hope you burn in a fire. You and your fucked up family.

Out of context, but he well and truly deserves it.

Happy b-day, Gran.

I think I'll just write more in the next journal.

—whatever you know me by

Title: Particularism
Fandom: Gilmore Girls
Rating, Warning: G, 100wc
Characters: Emily Gilmore, Lorelai Gilmore,
( Emily set her intentions. )

Title: Moves
Date/Prompt: "Stop calling me cringe, damn it!"/09-23-22
Fandom: Gilmore Girls
Character: Luke Danes/Lorelai Gilmore, Jess Mariano
Ratings/Warning: 300wc.
( "She caught you staring, Uncle Luke." )

Title: Video Games
Date/Prompt: "Please play minecraft with me!"/09-16-22
Fandom: Saw
Character: Peter Strahm
Ratings/Warning: 110wc.
( Video Games )

Title: Ought
Date/Prompt: "Where's the rest of them?"/09-14-22
Fandom: Gilmore Girls
Character: Rory Gilmore
Ratings/Warning: 172wc.
( Ought )

Title: Ringing
Date/Prompt: "restroom time"/09-12-22
Fandom: Saw
Character: Peter Strahm/ Lindsey Perez
Ratings/Warning: PTSD, 322wc.
( Strahm never refuses her. He knows her knocks. He never takes long to answer, either. )

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love me

because nobody can love like i do

Recent Entries

Sticky: STICKY POST

oh time [nov-13-2025]

jawhurts [Mar-25-2025]

attrition [Feb-26-2025]

FUCK [Feb-20-2025]

[27-January-2025] Change is Never Easy

[14-January-2025] Oh, Oh

[10-January-2025] Change is Never Easy

[8-January-2025] Change is Never Easy

January 4th, 2023: Journal

[20-Dec-2022][Gears of War] Gentle Handling

[15-Dec-2022][Top Gun: Maverick] Reverse

[24-Nov-2022][All the Boys Love Mandy Lane] Cemetery Fever

[25-Sep-2022][Saw] Protection

[Iron is forged] Euphoria (2019) - Iron

September 23rd, 2022: Journal #8

[23-Sep-2022][Gilmore Girls] Particularism

[23-Sep-2022][Gilmore Girls] Moves

[16-Sep-2022][Saw] Video Games

[14-Sep-2022][Gilmore Girls] Ought

[12-Sep-2022][Saw] Ringing