Andelila

me bzbee…

buzzz buzzz buzzz…
me-pretend-to-be-busybee….
no time to update
any news?
no!!!
no gaji yet.
no money also…
what a loser me…
*cry *cry
recently the company where i work faced a major problem… things happened after 3 years of existence.
me being a new comer there have this feelings… ‘am i like a jinx or something???’
*dush *dush
*bodoh la you! so superstitious arrr?

emptiness

salam…

emptiness is filling me… i don’t know how but that is what i feel… i am still fragile when the thought of amin being away. it is hard for me. we met on saturday. and we both put aside of ‘distance’ thing and enjoy the day like we used to. me in the bookshop, then bowling then we had ice cream or waffles… things like that. we ended our date with ice cream this time. our favorite is the plain McDonald’s ice cream. he finished his first and looked at me. or stared. may be. he took out his hp and started taking my picture. i smiled and posed. it was a long pause. so i asked him, ‘are you recording me?’

he smiled. ‘how is it like when i was not here?’ he asked me.

i chuckled. then i was about to break into tears. ‘don’t ask me that question when you know the answer…’ i said and wiped the streaming tears away. then i smiled.

i thought i was strong. deep down, i am not…

‘Ya Allah! Aku ini hamba yang kalah. Balunlah hatiku yang terbelah, juga terpisah-pisah. Ya Allah, hanya padaMu aku mengharap, dan padaMu jualah aku meminta, tabahkanlah hatiku…’ – petikan Kiamat Sudah Dekat.

new environment

salam…

last monday was my first day at ** Manufacturing as a microbiologist.  On that day, i was just gone thru some documents as on tuesday and wednesday, the factory was audited by NPCB.  huhuhhuuh….  i was blur on that day, not knowing what should i do or not to do.  so i was just there and being pretty and dumb.  or being pretty dumb?? pretty konon! perasan!

about amin being away, i think i ought to be used to it…  have to!sob! sob!

sedih tu, memang la sedih.  in fact, when people mentioned or asked me  about him, tears would come out just like that.   i cannot remember how fragile i was when i heard ‘amin’.

now… i think i’m getting better.  hopefully…

ada seseorang pernah nasihatkan saya, yang orang perempuan kena pandai hidup sendiri tanpa bergantung sangat dgn orang lain.  sebab takdir Allah tu tak siapa yang tahu.

dan seseorang juga pernah kata pada saya, orang perempuan sekarang perlu bekerja.  bukan sekadar bantu suami, tapi untuk anak2 dan diri sendiri.  dgn duit kita sendiri la kita nak tolong famili.

kedua2 nya adalah ibu.  kata2 mereka sangat menusuk hati saya.  saya mudah dgn kata2 yang lembut dan bermakna.  tapi selalu kata2 itu tidak dari insan2 kesayangan saya.  sedih nya…  bila saya sedih, orang lain yang nampak bukan orang2 kesayangan saya.  i think i’m transparent.  sebab orang lain nampak, kenapa mereka tak nampak?  atau mungkin mereka nampak, tapi….. tak tahu la…

semasa saya driving balik ke rumah, kata2 seumpama ini datang kepada saya,

kalaulah dapat kutahu

apa rasa hatiku

patah atau hancur?

derai?

berlumur lumpur?

kerna yang benar-benar aku rasa..

hatiku patah

hatiku remuk hancur

hatiku berderai

dilumur lumpur

3 Dec 2008