Must. Come. Back.

Not sure what will come of this, but it is time for me to put FB away, and find my way back to this.

More to come.

WTF Time just rockets by

I cannot believe how the time passes. I cannot believe I started blogging in late 2006 (under an different name), and it feels like a few months ago. I was a stay-at-home single mom of three. I had survived a divorce, a cross country move, my mom's death, a flood, a year of undiagnosed fatigue. I re coated the roof, I built a pool, I tackled projects most men wouldn't touch.... I've survived the recession, I was blindsided by a typical teenage daughter, and I'm back in the workforce...

Man, some of it is gone because my old blog was deleted. Some of it is back there somewhere in this blog... and some of it has happened while I haven't blogged.

I'm back. I'm still in awe of how our lives take us through twists and turns, and I'm finally appreciating why a journal, a chronology, or a blog enriches our experience. It gives us perspective. It makes is stand back and see a bigger picture.

Where to begin again?

For anyone that knew me in the past, here are some headlines:

Thing 1 is finishing her sophomore year in college. She has a great academic scholarship, and I have augmented her hard work, scholarship, aid financial aid to make it happen. Mr. Ex has basically denied all responsibility for support. Some things don't change, including how amazing my first born is.

Thing 2 threw me a curve. Thing 2 is very normal - a typical teen. I was thrown a curve because Thing 1 is not so typical. Couple the fact that I was painfully unprepared for a typical 16 year-old with the stress of being unemployed during the great recession, and very near the end of the alimony stretch agreed to in the divorce... it was a recipe for disaster. I came the closest to a breakdown I have ever been. Scary.

Thing 2 is finishing high school in Connecticut. She lives with her dad. She has an outstanding therapist, which isn't easy to find, and a Godsend. I'm proud of her and how she has grown, and I'm grateful there was somewhere to send her when she began making life altering choices and I could not influence her otherwise. I miss her terribly, but I know that what happened was best for her long-term.

Thing 3 will be in high school next year. He is mostly a mystery to me. Still a loving, sweet, kind young man. Won't ever be a jock. Smart as a whip.

I was blessed in late November to get a job that I love. I am the Controller for a multi-unit franchisee that represents two major brands. The owners are both female, and they are amazing. Very high standards and expectations, so I fit right in.

The four dogs are getting old. We've been through so many cats. Our oldest cat, Tammy, who traveled here from Connecticut, finally was taken by the desert predators. She was a good old girl. We have three cats now. Two young ones that we try to keep indoors, and Dakota -- the kitten that picked me one day by the way she made eye contact.

The chickens are part of our colorful past. What great memories! I miss so much about them, but not the work or responsibility. Mostly, I miss the taste of the fresh eggs.

The roof needs replacement, the pool has been sucking me dry with 5-6 year maintenance issues, the garage door is broken, the weeds are taking over, I remodeled my master bath and it is AWESOME... ceramic tile shower, slate floor... I'm here for the long haul. I bought this place to raise my family, and it is doing the trick. I am one of the few beneficiaries of the Obama Making Home Affordable program. My mortgage payment was sliced in half, although I had to fight every step of the way. If I need to move, my mortgage payment makes my home easily rent able.

Life is good. Not all is perfect. Mr. Ex continues to be a burden. It must be my lot in life. I'm supposed to learn something from him besides home repair and maintenance. Perhaps it is tolerance for ignorance. Still figuring it out.

Thanks for stopping by, and I'll be back again real soon!

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Day One - facing not-so-great habits...

Day one since my big decision to change up my emotional life.

I posted a little bit about what is going on for me on Friday. I've decided to make some changes in my life, had to remove the post... but I want to say thanks to Some Guy, Kirby, and Sans for your words of encouragement in the comments you left. You might not realize how much your comments helped me that day. I think that we, as humans, often fail to realize how much of a difference our words and actions of encouragement and love have on others. I deeply appreciate you, my friends.

So, on to the progress made on day one...

The biggest decision I have made is to stop drinking alcohol on a daily basis. This habit started harmlessly enough, but with each trauma and drama that has made its way into my life, I have increased my intake. Based on my discussion with a professional on Saturday, my intake is high (as I knew), not off the charts, but beyond a healthy range, and the trend hasn't been headed in the right direction. I can't say I'm off the sauce for good, just that my daily habits are going to change. I'll take it from there based on my level of success.

My greatest motivation has been Thing 3, my 13 year old son. Not only do I think he will benefit from seeing me do something that is healthy, I also hope to role model having the initiative to change oneself.

Thing 3 has loved video games since he could sit up in an infant seat (really!). He was given a broken controller by the older kids (both mine and our baby sitter's) when he whined about playing. Eventually he figured out that his controller wasn't plugged in, so they told him there was a secret plug in the back of the unit... and so it went. He eventually figured out how to play, and got really, really good at it. When he was a preschooler his motivation to read was because he hated waiting for someone to read him the messages from the game he was trying to beat. When he was three he would wake up in the morning and ask if he could go beat a level in his game before breakfast. I admired the goal setting at such an early age, but the signs were all there.

Thing 3 still loves the games. So much so that he, like me and my beer, has hit the not-so-great amount of enjoyment each day point. I've proposed that he either sign up for something - anything, like the swimming league, golf lessons, tennis league, or else I'll impose time restrictions, which will drive him crazy with boredom. He is not happy about this, but he is carefully considering his options and will choose in the next day or so. I was careful to propose this with respect and love, just as I would have wanted to approach me if someone were trying to motivate me to change. He has a choice - self-limiting by getting into some other activities, or imposed limiting. I prefer the former, I hope he does, also.

I'm excited about this because it helping me be motivated to change me. I want to role model changing myself for my son. I know it would be better if I was motivated to change me because I care enough about myself to do it for just for me... but at least this gets me going in the right direction, right?

This first day has not been that bad (going without my daily cocktails), however, I can't sleep at all. It's 3 a.m. and I'm blogging. It's good to be back to the blog and I'm remembering how much it helped me and why I used to do it. If you have stopped by, thanks for the visit! I appreciate you "listening".

Had to remove my last post

I had to remove my last post about how I spent my day today. I guess Mr. Ex has found out what is going on... and I can't give him any ammunition. He's already made veiled threats to take Thing 3 away.

Also, as accurately predicted by the very good therapist I spoke with today, Mr. Ex is already enjoying talking about how happy Thing 2 is now... Thank God he got her away from me, huh? (dripping sarcasm)

I'm feeling a lot better after speaking with a professional just once. I only had to describe a couple of the behaviors I lived with for 23 years, and not only could this guy describe Mr. Ex right back to me perfectly, he also predicted how things were going to be now that Thing 2 is living with him. Time will tell if he is right.

Mr. Ex is the biggest Asshat in history... but that isn't news to my blog readers, is it?

Where did the time go?

My second born, Thing 2, turned 16 years old, about 18 minutes ago.

It was a wonderful day. I have such pleasant memories.

I'm struggling with where my life has come.

Remember when you wished your life away? You wanted to be nine. You wanted to be 12. You wanted to be 16, 18, 21...

Somewhere in there, there was a period that there was no thought about age. I don't remember it, I think I was too busy working hard.

Now, I've come to a time where I'm not sure how to feel! There are several ways for me to look at this...

On the one hand I want time to stop. I know how precious time is. When I look back I feel I've missed so much. My little girls - now they are women. My little boy is rapidly becoming a man. What happened? Time has to stop so I don't miss another moment of this life.

On another hand... I want time to go back. A mother holds that baby in the middle of the night. It cries, it won't stop crying, and mom wants to go to sleep. That's reality. But now... I want to go back, I want time to stop. I want to comfort that baby. I know so much more now, and I want to tell that baby that life is tough, life will always be this way, but I'll be here. I'm here now, I'll be there as long as I can, and PLEEEEEEZE go to sleep. THEN, I want to smell that baby's head. Again, again, and again. I want to hold that baby and see that miracle in my arms. I want to see it again. I want to smell it again. Let me go back.

Then another hand... I want time to move forward. I want to be responsible for ONLY ME. I want to live in an apartment - small, cozy, comfy. I want to come and go as I please. I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel like I should do more. I don't want to worry (like that will ever happen again!).

BUT then, I start wishing time away! I can't wait to watch my daughters grow babies in their own bodies. I can't wait hold those babies and smell their sweet little heads. I can't wait to see those babies smile, walk, talk, and even hear them cry.

BUT, I don't want to be old! I don't want my body to change. I don't want to slow down. I don't want to be less attractive to men! I don't want to be a cliche! Ugh.

Can't fight it. Just can't fight it. Accept. That is what we must do. We can't change the past. We must do our best today, and hope for tomorrow.

SIXTEEN F'ing years ago my SECOND child was born.

It passed by in a flash, but try to tell that to a 15 year old!

That's all I've got tonight, but it feels pretty significant.

Peace.

Help Thing One Win

VOTE FOR THING 1!!!!

Thing One is competing neck and neck in a prom dress manufacturer's competition. She is in the top ten, and the finalist will be selected by internet votes. First prize is a $2500 scholarship, a trip for two to Chicago, and more.

Please, please, please help us out with a vote or several votes. If you follow the link below you can set up an account that verifies your email address, and then you can vote one time per day, per email address until July 15. Her name is Jacqu**ine Pr**hut.

http://www.jasminebridal.com/actions/prom_usa_0701/contestants.aspx?key=1008

If you know anyone that would feel good about helping a really great and deserving kid win, please pass info along to friends and family.

Help her win. She deserves it very much!

Some Things Never Change

Life has done what it does. It goes on. Life goes on.

I somehow survived the darkest, absolutely darkest, times of my life... so far. I've learned to accept that the people you think will be there - they might not be there. I've learned that people come out of freaking no where - and they are there for you.

I have a job. A job a love. How many people love their job? I don't get paid very well, I have no benefits, but a great (and I mean great) office.

I still have a home. After all the economic misery, I'm part of the fortunates that still have my home. Too many have lost their home. I don't care if people took on too much, I don't care. I just feel for people that need to work, can't find work, and their homes are worth less than they owe, and the banks don't give a crap. Even when the government kicks in a bundle, the banks squander it driving up costs. The banks have to prove that they are doing "due diligence"... all the while burning up government funds intended to go to the stuggling public. It's so damn obvious - yet, they get away with it.

I have a wonderful family. Thing One gradutated from High School. She spoke at graduation, she sang in the Honors Choir at graduation, and mad her mom so, so proud. She was beaming.
Thing 2 marches on, and in spite of having to live in the shadow of her big sister, she proves herself. She and her big sister are so different. They don't believe in the same "social class" issues that plague teens, they aren't the same when it comes to neatness, tidiness, responsibility... or anything else. I just pray that some day they will be there for each other. They are both such amazing, fabulous, wonderful people. Seriously. If you met them you would like them. Really.

Thing Three is becoming such a fun person. He is really funny! Not funny in a stupid way - funny in a really clever way. He worries me when he obsesses over video games, but then I watch him with his chickens, ducks, the rabbits, the dogs, and the cats, and I see that he has a very diverse and full childhood. A childhood that is being swallowed up by puberty.

I'm so proud. I'm very stressed, tired, over-worked, and sometimes cranky. But I'm genuinely happy. It has been a long time coming. I deserve it, and I'm appreciating it.

Things are sort of working out with the County. Can you imagine??? I'll believe it all when I see it.

I still have too many animals, in spite of losses. We've lost two of the four most recent cats. So sad. Yet, our first cat, the one that we picked out at the shelter in Connecticut, the one that drove to Chicago with me, the one that flew from Chicago to Phoenix with me... she is still here.

All four dogs are still around. I have a story, a real good one, about runaway dogs, Arizona law, and my visit to court. I'll save it - but my life is a collage of stories that make you scratch your head, I assure you.

We got a rabbit named Lilly.

Life is quite good, and I have missed my blog life. When I think of my blog life I feel warm and safe and welcome inside. I feel supported. I feel appreciative.

Thanks, and I'm so glad to be back. Back home. I have been enjoying the process of catching up, and I have plenty of that to do.