Last ditch effort to improve your paper If you have exhausted yourself  trying to improve your paper, you should try the babel transform before taking your life! Simply ask babelfish or google to translate your paper into Finnish or Hindi and translate it back  to English. If you are lucky it might just work! What's more, there is an unlimited set of possibilities: you can translate first to Chinese, then to Swahili then to Dutch and back to English. If that does not work try a different  set of languages! There is always a new choice available. Please make sure you filter out any vulgarities  introduced during the babel transform. In case you are wondering, yes, modern abstract art is created by a similar process. How to wake up a person pretending to be asleep There is a saying that you cannot wake up a person pretending to be asleep. But now we can elegantly leverage the advances in science and technology to wake up a person no matter how hard they pretend to be asleep. Just say in the hearing of the person that there is a scientific way to show that the person is awake (emphasize scientific). This usually works because most people are convinced of the awesome powers of  anything with the word "science" in it. If the person you are trying to wake up has read this web-page and is immune to this trick fall back to crude low tech and just say you are going to spill some hot coffee on them.